LNH/LNHY/Superfreaks: Crisis on Three Earths

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Sun Jun 17 20:29:16 PDT 2007


LNHY Looniverse, May 20th, 2006

  Michel Peugot smiled, knowing he had made a friend.
  "So, no hard feelings, eh?"
  Matthew Pauli shook his head.
  "No, everything's fine," he said.

  Just then, God arrived and, without saying a word,
he struck Michel down and disintegrated him.
  "No!" Matthew said.
  "You Matthews were all supposed to give up your
powers and return them to me!" God said.  "You
deceived me!  For that you shall die!"
  Matthew braced himself for the killing blow.

  That killing blow never came.
  "What?" God asked.  "There is some barrier here
preventing me from harming you.  Are you doing this?"
  "No," Matthew said.
  "It's my doing," somebody said.
  "Who are you?" God and Matthew bothe asked.
  The stranger smiled.  "I am... Deja Dude.  I have
come from another Looniverse."
  "Why?" Matthew asked.
  "Because a full length LNHY story hasn't been posted
in over a year (not since this one in fact) and also
because Looniverse Y was created back in August of
2004 and Arthur said that there wouldn't be any
crossovers with the LNH until after 'at least a year'
and that was almost three years ago so, hey, I'm here
and this is it.  Tada!"
  "Okay."
  "You dare challenge God?" God asked.
  Deja Dude asked.  "You're not God."
  Matthew smiled.  "Aha!  I knew it!"
  "Blasphemy!  If I am not God then who am I?"
  "You're one of Arthur Spitzer's WCs," Deja Dude
explained.  "That's how you can honestly claim to have
created this Looniverse when the Before God Guys
existed first.  See, otherwise it doesn't make any
sense."
  "To you mortals it makes no sense but to God--!"
  "Yadda yadda yadda," Deja Dude said.  "I've heard it
all before."
  "Such insolence!" God said.  "For that you will feel
my power."  God lashed out at Deja Dude but... nothing
happened to him.  "How can this be?  Not even Satan
himself could stand against my raw power."
  Deja Dude smiled.  "If you were truly omniscient
then you wouldn't have to ask questions, would you?"
  God pondered the point.  "Perhaps it just amuses me
to do so."
  "Yeah.  Sure."  Deja Dude reached out to touch God.
  "I'm doing what Psykeye did to Q in Trekmate and
stealing your powers."
  "NO!" screamed God as all his powers were transfered
into Deja Dude.  He then passed out.  Deja Dude
graciously made it so that he fell softly to the
floor.
  "Wait," Matthew said.  "By 'Q' do you mean that guy
from the James Bond movies?"
  "No," Deja Dude said, "I mean that guy from the Star
Trek: The Next Generation TV series.  I should point
out (in case Tom Russell is reading this) that
Trekmate was Drizzt's idea and basic plot and that I
actually cut out the part where the LNH met the people
from ST:TNG, something which Drizzt didn't like at the
time but when he had the Drizzt Defenders meet them
later it really sucked and Drizzt regretted doing it."
  "But Star Trek was a TV series," Matthew pointed
out, "and this is reality.  Isn't it?"
  "Don't let it bother you," Deja Dude said.
  "Okay," Matthew said.  "So now that you've absorbed
God's powers what are you going to do with them?"
  Deja Dude though for a moment.  "Hmm.  I don't know.
 I mean, God was really, really powerful so now I've
got more power than I can really deal with right now."
  "So...?"
  "So I think I should give up some of my power and
with it the desire to do evil."  Deja Dude
concentrated and then glowed for a moment before
returning to normal.  "It's done."
  "That won't be enough," Matthew told him.
  "It won't?"
  "No," Matthew said.  "You must also divest yourself
of your childlike urges to do mischief and act on
impulses.  Such urges are not evil per se but you must
be sure that whatever actions you take with your
powers are only taken when you have given due
consideration to their consequences."
  "Quite right."  Deja Dude concentrated again and
then glowed for a moment once more before returning to
normal again.  "Okay." 
  "So where did it all go?"
  "Where did what go?"
  "The excess power and your urges to be evil or
childish?"
  Deja Dude shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know. 
Dissipated into nothing I guess."

  LNH, LNHY and Superfreaks presents

  The LNH / LNHY / Superfreaks crossover

                CRISIS ON THREE EARTHS

The Superfreaks Universe.  October, 2007.

  "Where are we?" Extreme asked.
  "We appear to be in another dimension," Amazing
Woman said.
  "Or at least another planet," the Human Spider said.
  "How come we can breathe then?" Mr. G asked.
  "We're not alone," Weapon Alpha said as he sniffed
the air.
  "Hey, guys!"
  "Harry Roy?  Is that you?" Water Lord asked.
  "I'm here too!" Allen Barry aka Quick Kid told him.
  "It's like a reunion of the Extreme Force Six and
the Electric Youth!" Extreme said.
  "Look!" the Human Spider said.  "There's more!"
  "Where are we?" Scott Grey asked.
  "Scott?  Who's looking after the baby?" his wife
Jean asked.
  "My teleportataion powers don't work here," Kurt
Rasputin said.  "I can't take us back to Earth."
  "And why am I here?" Katheryn Phelps asked.  "All I
can do is read minds."
  "YOU ARE ALL HERE BECAUSE I BROUGHT YOU HERE!" a
booming voice announced.
  "Who are you?" Extreme asked.
  "I AM THE BEYONITOR!  I HAVE BEEN MONITORING YOUR
WORLD FROM BEYOND!"
  "Why have you brought us here?"
  "YOU ARE HERE TO DO BATTLE WITH YOUR ENEMIES. 
BEHOLD: SNAKE, MADAME SCARLET, DON NAVARRO, GENERAL
LEE, COCKROACH, THE CRIMSON CAPE, MR. UOYKCUF, THE
INSOMNIAC, DOCTOR PLATYPUS, ZON, DEVASTUS AND
HERACLES."
  "So what do you expect us to do?"
  "I EXPECT YOU TO DESTROY YOUR ENEMIES."
  "And if we refuse?"
  "THEN YOU WILL DIE.  SUCCEED AND YOU WILL BE SENT
BACK HOME."

The LNHY Looniverse, December, 2007

  "You guys wanted to speak to me?" Deja Dude asked.
  "It was actually Mading who wanted to speak to you,"
Matthew said.
  "Okay.  What's up?"
  Mading spoke slowly and deliberately.  "A powerful
being known as the Beyonitor has come to our universe.
 I discovered that it originated from here, from this
very spot, roughly a year ago."
  "Okay.  So?"
  "So it would stand to reason that when you divested
yourself of most of your Godly powers that those
powers became sentient and formed the powerful being
known as the Beyonitor."
  "Okay.  So is this Beyonitor evil?"
  "Not entirely," Mading admitted, "but it seems
strangely childlike and naive for something so
powerful.  It seems to act on impulses."
  "Okay.  Such as?"
  "A month ago it snatched a dozen heroes and a dozen
villains from our universe and had then battle each
other.  When the heroes won but refused to destroy the
villains, the Beyonitor threatened to destroy them all
but then the heroes and villains joined forces and
defeated the Beyonitor and forced him to send them all
back home."
  "Okay."
  "More recently, the Beyonitor came to Earth and took
the form of a forty year old man, appearing much like
any of the three of us by the way.  The heroes and
villains all tried to get their revenge against the
Beyonitor but this Beyonitor seemed much more relaxed
and, instead, decided to buy pizza for everybody.  And
I mean everybody: every single person on Earth.  It
took a full month for him to get round to everybody."
  "That doesn't sound so bad."
  "There's more," Matthew said.
  "My calculations indicate that when the Beyonitor
was created, a second being was also created almost at
the same time."
  "Really?"
  Matthew nodded.  "And if this Beyonitor is naive and
stupid then the other one must be pure evil!"

Meanwhile, in the LNH Looniverse...

  The LNH had assumed that Dekay and Diskolor (the
Bryttle Brothers) were all they had to worry about
until April.
  They were wrong.
  The Anti-Beyoniter grabbed Ultimate Ninja by the
throat.
  "Psykeye?" Ultimate Ninja asked.
  "No," the Anti-Beyonder said.  "Not Psykeye. 
Something far worse."

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Extreme Fans Headquarters
in the Superfreaks universe...

  "Hey, guys, I'm back!" the Beyonitor said.
  "Nice to see you back," Master Ninja said.
  "Yeah," Gun Guy said.  "Thanks again for the pizza,
by the way."
  "It was nice of you to by us all pizza," Psychic
Girl said.  "We all appreciated it."
  "But next time I don't want any anchovies," Ultimate
Man complained.
  "At least it was hot," Raymond Heck said.  "Cold
pizza is the worst."
  "I'm afraid I suffered from food poisoning and
died," Chess pawn said, "but I got better."
  Just then, this universe's Adam Evers came rushing
in.  "Guys!  Guys!  There's a portal about to open
up!"
  "How can you be so sure?" Ultimate Man asked.
  "I just am."
  "I mean did you detect some sort of unique radiation
that indicated that a portal was about to open up."
  "Look!" Adam said.  "I just know.  Okay?  I know
about these things and that's it.  Okay."
  Just then a portal opened up.
  "See?!"
  Seven figures emerged from the portal: Ultimate
Ninja, Sister State-the-Obvious, Master Blaster,
wReamHack, Cannon Fodder and the Mimic with the
Anti-Beyonitor standing in the middle.  He was clearly
in control of these legionaires: their eyes were
glazed over and they stood there passively like
zombies.
  "That's it!" Adam said.  "I'm out of here!"  He
left.
  The Anti-Beyonitor smiled.  "My legion against
yours, Beyonitor?  Who'd win?"  The Anti-Beynitor
snapped his fingers and each matching pair was sent to
different locations.

The Ultimate Ninja vs. the Master Ninja

  "You can't defeat me!" Ultimate Ninja said as he
drew his Ginsu Katana Blade.  "I am the Ultimate
Ninja!"
  "I was going to say pretty much the same thing,"
Master Ninja said as he drew his own Ginsu Katana
Blade.  "Look, we don't need to fight."
  "Fight or die!" Ultimate Ninja said.

Sister State-the-Obvious vs. Psychic Girl

  "We're supposed to fight," Sister State-the-Obvious
said.
  "So it would seem," Psychic Girl said.
  "I don't want to fight."
  "Me neither."
  "You look like me."
  "And you look like me."
  "What are you called?"
  "Psychic Girl."
  "So that means you are psychic."
  "I am."
  "So you can see the future."
  "Not exactly.  I just can sort of look at any
situation and pick out what is going on."
  "So you just state the obvious like me then."
  "Pretty much, yeah."

Master Blaster vs. Gun Guy

  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  BLAM BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!
  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  "Ha!  You missed me!"
  "You too!"
  "Want to go for a beer?"
  Master Blaster shrugged his shoulders.  "I'm
supposed to kill you first.  Maybe later."

wReamHack vs. Raymond Heck

  "I'm supposed to kill you," wReamHack said.
  "How are you supposed to do that?" Raymond Heck
asked.  "Do you have any powers?  BecauseI don't?"
  wReamHack thought for a moment.  "If I defeat you
playing Mortal Kombat then perhaps my master will be
satisfied."
  "It's worth a try.  Any computers around here with
the PC version installed?"
  "No."
  "How about a TV with the X-Box version available?"
  "Not as far as I can see, no."
  "Maybe your master will be satisfied if you just
defeat me in rock-paper-scissors."

Cannon Fodder vs. Chess Pawn

  "Die foul doppelganger!" Cannon Fodder said as he
grabbed Chess Pawn's throat.  There was a sickening
cracking sound and Chess Pawn went limp.
  Realising what he had done, Cannon Fodder came back
to his senses.  "What have I done?" Cannon Fodder
asked.
  Just then, Chess Pawn woke up and grabbed Cannon
Fodder by the throat.  Cannon Fodder tried to protest
but he couldn't speak with Chess Pawn's hands around
his throat.  It was now his turn to die.

Mimic vs. Ultimate Man

  "Anything you can do I can do better!" Mimic said.
  "Me too!" Ultimate Man said.
  "So what _can_ you do?"
  "I can mimic other people's powers!"
  "Aha!  So can I!  But I can do it better!"
  "Prove it!  Mimic my powers!"
  "I am mimicing your powers.  That's what I do!"
  "Then actually do something!"
  "You first!"

Deja Dude vs. Ultimate Ninja and Master Ninja

  Deja Dude arrived just in time to prevent the two
expert ninjas from killing each other.
  "Okay, guys, that's enough."
  Ultimate Ninja and Master Ninja kept on fighting.
  "I said 'that's enough'."
  They kept on fighting.
  "You know, you too are like a couple of kids."
  Both of them, their pride insulted, turned on Deja
Dude and sliced him into little pieces.
  Seeing his friend sliced into little pieces,
Ultimate Ninja came back to his senses.  "Deja Dude,
I'm sorry."
  "Never mind that," the disembodied head of Deja Dude
said.  "Will the two of you please put me back
together so my healing factor can go into effect?"

Matthew vs. Master Blaster and Gun Guy

  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  BLAM BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!
  "Okay, guys, that's enough," Matthew said.
  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  BLAM BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!
  "I said, 'that's enough'."
  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  BLAM BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!
  "Are you too losers going to listen to me or what?"
  Master Blaster and Gun Guy both turned on Matthew.
  RAT A TAT TAT!  RAT A TAT TAT!
  BLAM BLAM!  BLAM BLAM!
  "Ow," Matthew said.
  Seeing that he thought was his friend, Deja Dude,
getting shot, Master Blaster came back to his senses.
  "Deja Dude, are you okay?"
  Matthew nodded.  "I'll be fine.  And I'm not Deja
Dude.  I'm Matthew Pauli."
  "Nice to meet you," Master Blaster and Gun Guy both
said.

Mading vs. Cannon Fodder and Chess Pawn

  "Stand back!" Mading said.
  "It was self defense!" Chess Pawn said.  "He was
trying to kill me!"
  "You always come back from the dead," Mading said.
  "It still hurts."
  Mading ignored him and instead focused his attention
on the dead Cannon Fodder.
  "Cannon Fodder?  Can you hear me?"
  Cannon Fodder woke up and immediately grabbed Mading
by the throat.  He then realised that it wasn't Chess
Pawn.
  "Who are you?"
  "I am Mading," Mading told him.
  "You look like the Beyonitor."
  "Yes," Mading said.  "Visually this story is Hell to
read because there are about six different characters
who look roughly the same, half a dozen pairs of
identical legionaires."
  "Huh?" Chess Pawn asked.
  "Don't worry about it."

Soon, back at Legion Headquarters...

  "So you guys are all friends now?" Deja Dude asked.
  Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "We appear to have all
gotten over the conditioning that the Anti-Beyonitor
placed upon us."  He thought for a moment.  "Where did
the Anti-Beyonitor go anyway?"
  "And where is the Beyonitor?"

The Anti-Beyonitor vs. the Beyonitor

  "My legion will destroy your legion and it will all
be your fault!  Ha ha ha ha!"
  "How is this possible?" the Beyonitor asked.
  "We were both created by accident: I was created as
the ultimate in evil and you were created to be this
pathetic, child-like thing!"
  "So we are opposites then?"
  "Pretty much."
  "And opposites cancel each other out, don't they?"
  "What do you mean?"
  The Beyonitor grabbed the Anti-Beyonitor.  "I mean
if I cancel you out then that could be the one way to
destroy you!"
  "NO!" the Anti-Beyonitor screamed.
  The Anti-Beyonitor and the Beyonitor were no more.

  But all that power had to go _somewhere_.

LNHY Looniverse

  God, who had been in a coma for a year, awoke with a
smile.
  "I'm baaack!!!"

                        THE END

Martin


       
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