LNH: 58.5#2 (complete!)

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Tue Jun 12 23:32:53 PDT 2007


The evening of April 63rd.  LNHQ.


Dismal-Hope Kid was conducting the Time Crapper to a holding
cell, after a successful capture by the leader of the day,
Cynical Lass.  The Crapper was very depressed, and paying little
attention to the world around him.


So, when time stopped, it took him a while to notice.


However, a second Time Crapper standing in front of him, holding
a ziploc bag, was hard to miss.  He looked up.


"What?  Who?"


"We have all the time we want, but even then, we shouldn't waste
it, so let's get to the point", said the other Crapper.  "Hold
this for a minute, will you?"  And opened the bag, offering the
object inside.


"What's that?", asked the Crapper, suspiciously.  After all, he
did have a history of killing past and alt versions of himself.


"It's a little something the LNHers frequently use to boost or
change their powers.  Give it a try."


The object looked kind of like a small crossbeam.  The Time
Crapper held it for a second or two, and felt tingles and sparks
run through his whole body.


"Great", said the other Crapper.  "Now I have to put this back,
so the LNH doesn't find out I've used it.  As for you, why don't
you go back in time about 5 minutes, and get this from the
Leader's office on first floor?"  And he undid the
power-canceling shackles holding the prisoner Crapper.


"And then I'll escape and have my revenge and..."


"Oh no no, you don't want to do that."


"What?"


"Guess who's in a cell over there?"


The slightly younger Crapper seemed a little shaken.  "Tamela?"


"That's right, buddy.  And if they don't put you in a cell close
to her, you just keep going back in time until they do.  I'm
sure you know how to put these shackles back, so that they seem
to be working, but don't actually stop you, right?"


"Of course!"


"Well then."


The other Crapper walked away, while the first one jumped 5
minutes back in time.


Who Cares Studios upliftingly presents...
                        __________    ______
                       / ____( __ )  / ____/
                      /___ \/ __  | /___ \
                     ____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
                    /_____/\____(_)_____/


                              #2


                      Higher and Higher


                    Lalo Martins -- writer
                    May Fonseca -- editor
           with thanks to the Legion of Net.Authors


Arriving in the recent past, the Time Crapper was careful to
remain slightly time-shifted, so that other people couldn't see
him moving around, and looking for the Leader's office.
Fortunately, there were lots of signs around, and it took him
only about 5 minutes to find the place.  Sure enough, the
crossbeam-shaped object in a ziploc was there, abandoned on a
desk.  He looked around: nobody in sight.


Of course, he couldn't pick anything up as long as he was
time-shifted.  So he effortlessly rejoined normal time, and
instead froze time.  .(That's fantastic.  I didn't think I could
get more powerful.)  He picked up the object, and walked back to
the prison area, where he found Dismal-Hope Kid conducting a
past version of himself to a holding cell.  He stood in front of
himself until the shackled version noticed him.


"What?  Who?"


"We have all the time we want, but even then, we shouldn't waste
it, so let's get to the point", he said, feeling impatient after
all that wait.  "Hold this for a minute, will you?"  And he
opened the bag, offering the object inside.


"What's that?", asked the slightly younger Crapper, to the
exasperation of his slightly older self.


"It's a little something the LNHers frequently use to boost or
change their powers.  Give it a try."


The other Crapper put his hands on the object for a very short
time, made a very silly face, and removed his face.


"Great", said 'our' Crapper.  "Now I have to put this back, so
the LNH doesn't find out I've used it.  As for you, why don't
you go back in time about 5 minutes, and get this from the
Leader's office on first floor?"  And he undid the
power-canceling shackles holding the prisoner Crapper.


"And then I'll escape and have my revenge and..."


"Oh no no, you don't want to do that."


"What?"


"Guess who's in a cell over there?"


The slightly younger Crapper seemed a little shaken.  "Tamela?"


"That's right, buddy.  And if they don't put you in a cell close
to her, you just keep going back in time until they do.  I'm
sure you know how to put these shackles back, so that they seem
to be working, but don't actually stop you, right?"


"Of course!"


"Well then."


He walked back to the Leader's office, replaced the object, and
walked back to the prison area.  As expected, the other Crapper
was gone, back in the past.  He disabled the shackles, then put
them back on his wrists, and allowed time to proceed its course.


"Whoa", said Dismal-Hope Kid.  "What was that?"


"What was what?", asked the Time Crapper.  "I didn't feel
anything."  But he had a big grin now.


"Kiwi kiwi kiwi", said a large, spotted green bird that had a
fighting band tied to his forehead.  "Kiwi kiwi, kiwi kiwi."


The person he was talking to -- the father of a family of four,
not too well-dressed, but not to bad either -- looked helplessly
around.  "What's this bird trying to say?  And can someone
please get him out of our way?"


The kiwi inflated his chest, and stood there, blocking the
entrance.  Something in his posture suggested that he had his
arms crossed -- even though that was anatomically impossible,
since his wings were way too short to reach each other.


A young, red-haired girl, wearing a dress that looked like a Red
Riding Hood costume, walked by on the inside.


"Hey!  Girl!  You were on TV, right?  You're one of the
volunteers?  The New Misfits?"


"That's right", she said, stopping by them.  "What seems to be
the problem here?"


"Your name is Whatever, right?"


"The one and only."


"Well, miss Whatever, this bird doesn't want to let us in."


She patted the green bird on the head.  "That's his job."


"But..."


"He's our bouncer.  You see, we've been serving food here for
six days.  After we were on TV, the news spread, and rumor has
it, our food is really good.  So lots of people who aren't
really in need are coming to try it.  We'd be happy to let them,
but there are too many in actual need, so we have to put first
things first, wouldn't you agree?"


"Er.  Well."  The man was very red.


"I want turtle!", screamed the kid.


"Kiwi kiwi", said the bird to Mary.


"That's right."  She pulled a business card from a pocket.
"This restaurant here, in Hardytown, bought two whole turtles
from us.  It was their way to contribute, since we're needing
money too, for small things that nobody remembers to donate.
Some of us went there and tried their stuff, it's pretty much
the same as we serve here, a little better even."


"Oh.  Sure."


"Kiwi."


The family moved away.


"This is getting a bit tiresome, eh?"


"Kiwi kiwi.  Kiwi, kiwi kiwi kiwi kiwi."


"Absolutely."


"Ehem", made someone outside the fenced area.  Mary looked up,
to see a pair of teenagers, a boy and a girl, in trendy
middle-class clothes, and broad smiles.


"Oh no.  Didn't you just hear what I told that guy?  We're only
serving really poor people here.  Homeless and jobless."


Nothing was said in response.  She looked at them nervously.


"Of course", the brunette girl finally said.  "That's not what
this is about.  We're here to volunteer.  We want to help."


"True.  True as mother's love, true as the courage of the hero.
We're here to join your ranks, and feed the hungry of the whole
world, the whole Looniverse!"


"Er", said Mary.  "I don't think we have that much turtle."


The blond boy looked at her kindly, ever smiling.  She looked
from one of them to the other.


"Oh, don't mind him.  He means 'as many as we can'.  He has to
speak like that most of the time, it keeps his powers working."


"Powers?  You're net.ahumans?"


"Your sagacity blows the air out of my lungs and leaves me a
shriveled husk", he said.  "Yes, we are.  My friend here, and
I'll tell you now, or you'll have to wait forever for her to say
it, is the fantastic, the awesome..."


She smiled.


"Dramatic Pause Lass", he continued.


Mary scratched her head.


"And the loquacious one here", said the brunette, "as you may
have guessed, is -- Hyperbolic Boy."


Mary resisted the temptation to use her powers on the two and
send them away, never to bother her again with their silly
powers.  No.  Volunteers are always good, of course.


"HEEEY BONNIE...  WE HAVE VOLUNTEERS!"


wReamHack was tabulating all enemies that could have something
to do with the disappearances or the Infinite April, at the
request of the leader-of-the-day for that Thursday.  With him in
the room, the Time Crapper, in shackles, plus Innovative-Offense
Boy and Fourth Wall Lass, watching the prisoner.


"Next", he said, looking at Innovative-Offense boy.  "The
mystery guy you and Cannon Fodder met last week."


"*%&#ng right.  He said he belongs to some %#$*% called Xinerama
Brotherhood.  That makes *&%(*@#&% sense to anyone?"


"Never heard of them", said the Crapper.


wReamHack scratched his chin.  "The word Xinerama refers to a
well-known Unix component, or more precisely, an X Window System
extension.  It allows a single desktop to span multiple
displays.  Without Xinerama, you can have either completely
separate displays that don't communicate, or multiple displays
showing the exact same image."


"%&#(%@#$", said the foul-mouthed Legionnaire.  "That seems to
fit the whole &*(%$*@&# he gave me."


"I'd agree.  They're using multiple displays attached the same
computer as a metaphor for the Usenet."


"%#%&*(@ displays... wReamHack, you're such a %*&#(&*#$ geek.
Who %#*&ng says 'displays'?  If I have a %#*&%%#& computer set
up like that, I don't %&(##%&ng say I have multiple 'displays',
I say I have multiple %&*(#&%($$#@ moni..."


"Don't use that word", said Fourth Wall Lass.


"Eh?  Why the %&#$(**%&($*#$#&% not?"


"We might get sued.  'Displays' is cool.  Even 'screens'..."


Everybody looked at her sideways.  Ever since the incident with
the Forgetting One, she was even odder than usual.


"Any *%&#*% way", he continued.  "He seemed to have a bit of
$#$&*$#@ in his head, I think.  He kept $*(&@#ng calling Cannon
Fodder some %&#$^$@#&, what was it again... Godd Fodder."


"Maybe he was on the wrong reality?", offered the Crapper.


But Fourth Wall Lass suddenly seemed worried.


Meanwhile, down in the holding cells.


"I don't know how you could stand him", said Melissa.  "I
wouldn't go anywhere near him."


"Oh, he's very charming.  I have a thing for the insane genius
type.  And he kept bringing me the sweetest things.  Prehistoric
flowers, dodo steak..."


"He's a loser!"


"No no.  This is precisely the thing that I was attracted to the
most.  The power!  He's so powerful, it mesmerizes me!"


"Yeah right.  Why did you break up then?"


"For the same reason, pretty much.  I figured I could steal some
of that power.  Then again, I didn't exactly break up.  One
night, we were walking together... he shows up, from the future,
kills his alt.self, and tells me to go away[*].  Weirdest thing."


[* LNHCP#43 -- Footnote cybergirl]


"Oh."


"I thought he hated me, maybe because he knew I've stolen his
stuff.  Then last week I discovered he was pining for me, and
changing history repeatedly to try to get us back.  It seems, in
his time-experiment histories, I did break up with him.
Repeatedly."


"Well.  I hate to contradict myself, but I can see how that
would work.  See, he was probably trying too hard.  If you
already like him as he is, then any attempt he would make to
change and please you more, would put you off."


"I guess.  Yeah.  I'm glad he put the original history back
before giving up, though."


"As I heard, he didn't exactly give up.  He was going to change
the whole Looniverse, from the beginning, then Cynical Lass
stopped him with her powers.[*]"


[* LNHCP#98 -- Footnote cybergirl]


"He would do that for me?", Mother Time asked, wide-eyed.


"So it seems.  And... I know I'm working against my own better
judgment here, but if you're so sure of your feelings... you say
you like him most of all for his power, right?"


"I think so, yes.  What can I do, I find guys who can destroy
the Looniverse in a fit of rage, then repair it when they get
hungry, incredibly sexy."


"Well... I heard him babbling yesterday.  It seems something
happened to him recently, and he's even more powerful now."


"Wow.  Is that even possible?"


"So it seems..."


Mother Time pondered for a moment.  "Well.  I think I need to
take some time now and... well, think.  If you don't mind?"


"Sure.  Nice talking to you."


Vector watched as Mother Time went to her bed, laid back, and
stared at the ceiling.  Then she went to her bed herself; not to
meditate, but to plan.  Soon she would be free, and she'd better
know what to do then.


Because she did her part of the deal.  And the Time Crapper may
be many things, but she believed he was going to keep his word,
and set her free when he broke out with his girlfriend.  As soon
as said girlfriend agreed to go back to his foul-smelling arms.


The Dismal-Hope Kid is Tim Munn's.
The Time Crapper is Jef Kolodziej's (or is it Benjamin R. Pierce's?).
Bonnie Chique (Bandwagon Chick) is Sue Clark's.
wReamHack is wReam's, of course.
Innovative-Offense Boy is upLink's.
Fourth Wall Lass is Saxon Brenton's.
Mother Time is Rob Rogers'... I think.
Melissa/Vector is probably Rob Rogers' too.
The original Footnote Girl is Saxon Brenton's; but she's been
  taken already, and replaced with a robot.
Everybody else is mine.  Too many to list :-D


http://lalo.hystericalraisins.net/lnh/


 
 
  =============================-==========================Bonus feature: How to Write Whatever


real name: Mary Smith
aliases: SoWhat (in the LNH2 alt.future)
age: sliding: 7
appearance: Average height for her age, red hair, gleaming green
eyes, thin and lithe.  On downtime, she likes to wear
comfortable clothes.  When "working", although she doesn't have
a costume anymore, she likes anything that evokes the image of a
fragile child, making opponents understimate her; usually,
she'll dress like a doll or a Victorian girl.


powers: She can undo any work of magic, super-powers, or
super-science, by verbally demeaning it.  She used to do that by
expressing how much the thing failed to impress her, although
her style seems to be changing now.


As she grows older, however, we start seeing indications that
maybe, just maybe, this was only the first way she learned to
channel her powers... powers that may go much farther...


personality: Whatever age she physically presents, her mind is
always about ten years older; this is a gift from the alt.future
LNH2 version of the Leviathan.


Initially, as a baby, Mary was what you could call "inversely
impressionable"; she liked ordinary things, and dismissed
anything extraordinary as pretentious.


As she grew older (remember, her mind is now in the mid-teens),
she acquired new tastes; all of her friends, and most of her
older "authority figures", were to some extent supernatural, or
just plain weird.  She has become a bit of a critic.


However, what is probably at the core of her character at the
moment, is the age issue.  Her mind is at the age where girls
want independence and self-affirmation, while her younger body
makes everybody want to protect her.  She does appreciate the
value of being understimated in combat, but other than that,
it's rather frustrating.  And then there's the problem of
boys... but since this isn't Acra anymore, let's leave it at
that for the time being!


dialog style: Average non-hip 17-year-old girl.  Some of her
slang is still from 2015, but she's adapting fast.  She sounds
critical and ironic, and hates to be patronized.


allies and friends: The former members of Acra Flight; Bandwagon
Chick; and the martial artist kiwi.


In the alternate future she came from, her mother was Emily
Smith, née Jones (from Teens in Trenchcoats, and owned by Ben
Rawluk).  Although her father made a brief apparition in Acra
Flight, his name wasn't revealed; it's known that he was a
common guy, who lived with Emily in a farm they bought after the
marriage.  The present-time Emily has never met Mary.


enemies and dislikes: She's anxious to start making some.


other: She and the other former Acras have decided not to let
anybody know that they actually come from an alternate future.
In particular, she and her cousin Blackbird prefer to actively
avoid their families, and other people whom they remember from
the LNH2 times.




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