LNH/ACRA: Alt.stralian Yarns #12: Q5 - The Stage Is Set
mitchell_crouch at caladrius.com.au
Mon Jun 11 00:17:02 PDT 2007
-~ WARNING ~-
The author of this story would like to advise that the following is
unnecessarily long, and includes incorrect references to steer as
'cows'. Be forewarned.
-~ /endwarning ~-
In Alt.stralian Yarns #12, Contempo Weapons Lad's life was not quite
turned upside down, but still sort of tilted at a funny angle, when an
attack by Flamingor, the Lord of Flamingos, forced him into hiding
with the Pelican from Team Q. Meanwhile, Obsessive-Compulsive Boy
joined Team Q to combat the avian attackers. The Pelican sacrificed
himself to postpone Flamingor, and CWLad managed to sneak Obsessive-
Compulsive Boy away from Team Q when they showed even less regard for
his life than CWLad himself. Now, fleeing their former team-mates and
stalked by an unknown adversary (though they don't actually realise
that yet), the reformed Duo Contempo rush out into the busy streets of
ALT.STRALIAN YARNS #13
Q5 - The Stage Is Set
By Mitchell 'Tarq' Crouch
Two figures sat alone in Central Station. This was highly unusual,
really, as Central Station was never, ever empty, and thus never, ever
yielded the opportunity for two figures to sit in it alone. However,
this was not an ordinary day.
"When do you think the next train will be arriving? Keeping in mind
that, y'know, almost the entire city was evacuated so as to avoid a
There was a silence.
"You're an idiot, you know that?" He sighed, and paced around for a
moment. "Okay. No taxis. No trains. Okay." The figure paced around for
a bit longer. "Looks to me as though the only way we're going to get
out of here is by a staggeringly absurd and nigh-impossibly improbable
As he finished speaking, a loud car horn could be heard tooting twice
outside. Looking at each other suspiciously, the two figures made
their way out to see what all the commotion was about.
The figure in the lead halted abruptly as he saw the scene that he
beheld. His partner stopped behind him, and looked out around him.
Both of their jaws dropped open as Thatswhereiputthebluddything leaned
out of the window of the ute, winked, and gave them a steady hoofs-up
(akin to a thumbs up, though performed less with thumbs and more
commonly, or so I am lead to believe, with hooves). Eureka and Foundim
in the back tray mooed welcomingly and waved.
Contempo Weapons Lad fainted dead away, leaving the shocked Obsessive-
Compulsive Boy, for the first time in his life, speechless.
~ * ~
"Well!" declared Questionable Logic Man. "That's that all taken care
of, eh? Sure, the Pelican, Contempo Weapons Lad and Obsessive-
Compulsive Boy are all dead for all we know, but there's no more crazy
flamingos trying to kill us, so I'd say that's our lot for another
Pow Bang Wham frowned. "I'm not so sure. Everyone in Alt.stralia knows
that we're at Cent.rec.point right now. Wouldn't it be a good idea to
"Why?" retorted Metro Grill. "Getting a little dizzy from the
altitude, are we? Can't take being up in the clouds on top of a giant
column of steel, hmm? Does wittle Pow Bang Boo Boo Wah want to go down
and wet himself? Miss out on the views?"
Pow Bang frowned further at his teammates frankly odd reaction. "Uh.
No. I just figure it might be getting kind of dangerous here right
now. I mean, anyone who wants to bump us off could just rock up and
cut down said giant column of steel, and we'd be none the wiser."
Metro Grill stuck his fingers in his ears and chanted, "La la la, I
can't hear you, la la la!"
Pow Bang Wham was thrown back against the wall by this impressive
display of maturity. "Slam!" he cried as his back cracked the glass
cage. "Okay, Twinkletoes, now ya just hackin' me off..."
Questionable Logic Man stood back, happy to allow the conflict to take
place. Making himself comfortable, a slight smile lit his face as pink
flames lit Grill's body. Azure X, however, stood in between the two
warring factions, making desperate hushing movements with her hands.
Pow Bang Wham, realising that Azure probably had good reason for
stopping them, took a step backwards. Metro Grill stood up straight,
and watched with a raised eyebrow as his female companion trying to
sign out her message.
After a minute of getting nowhere with her communication, Questionable
Logic Man proclaimed, "Oh, come off it -- we've got time to spare, if
you wanna beat the bojangles out of one another, why not? It's not
like you won't just miraculously heal by our next scene anyway."
Pow Bang Wham and Metro Grill nodded, clearly convinced by this most
logical argument. Azure X winced and stepped backwards as the two
males began their fisticuffs.
The Grill's flames burned brightly as he ran at his tank of a
companion. Pow Bang Wham, not put off in the slightest by the
onslaught, hissed "Fffssssss!" as he grabbed Metro Grill by his
flaming neck and shoved him up against the glass wall, his hand
burning and flesh boiling.
This continued on for quite some time until a large portion of the
room had simply melted away. Finally succumbing to the laws of gravity
and probability, the two combatants tumbled through a hole in the
floor, screaming as they began their lengthy descent.
Questionable Logic Man jumped up, his eyes shining. "Egads! Come,
Azure -- our comrades require our aid!"
Grabbing Azure X's toxic blue skin with his gloved hand, he dived out
of the top of Cent.rec.point, dragging the wide-eyed net.heroine with
~ * ~
Contempo Weapons Lad, in the western outskirts of Syd.net, looking
worryingly into the rear view mirror.
"That black BMW has been following us since, like, Broadway."
Obsessive-Compulsive Boy shrugged as he cleaned his teeth for the
third time that day. "Maybe they're trying to get away from Team Q,
too, huh, maybe, possibly, yeah?" Of course, with a mouth full of
toothpaste, it sounded a lot more like Contempo Weapons Lad yelling,
"Damn it, OCBoy, you got toothpaste all over the dash again!!"
Thatswhereiputthebluddything traded suspicious glances with Eureka and
Foundim, and the three of them began firing warning shots from their
gosh darn laser eyes at the car behind them.
"Cripes!" yelped Contempo Weapons Lad. "Eureka! Foundim!
Thatswhereiputthe- damn it, you know who I mean! Stop shooting gosh
darn lasers at the expensive car, the insurance would already be
through the roof."
The three cows began mooing hysterically. Taking another look in the
mirror, Contempo Weapons Lad shrieked as he saw a costumed arm poking
out of the BMW, and the pistol being held in the hand of it.
"Everybody get ready! I'm going to take evasive measures!"
Obsessive-Compulsive Boy looked up, his toothbrush hanging out of his
mouth in wonder. "Ehbbhaissuv bmedsuhz?"
Swinging around into another lane, Contempo Weapons Lad cut across a
couple of small mid-street gardens and emerged at the beginning of a
bridge. Zooming across it as fast as he could take the wobbly ute, the
cows once again took it upon themselves to correct the situation,
blasting a chunk out of the bridge behind them.
Startled, CWLad careened the ute off of the bridge as it collapsed
behind them. The Duo Contempo dived out the windows (with OCBoy taking
the opportunity to rinse his mouth), and the cows jumped out of the
tray. The five ragged travellers began swimming across to the distant
shore, and Contempo Weapons Lad cast one last look over his shoulder.
The black car had stopped mere centimetres from the edge of the nearly-
Two figures emerged from the vehicle, both unnervingly expressionless.
"See?" one of them said. "He's learning already."
~ * ~
Pow Bang Wham stopped screaming for a moment to cautiously open one of
his eyes. Much to his surprise, he appeared to be suspended in mid-
air, metres above the ground. Looking around, he saw his fellow team-
mates drifting through the air, occasionally looping-the-loop or doing
other such aerobatic stunts.
"Uuh... guys? Why are we flying?"
Questionable Logic Man scoffed, as if the answer was obvious. "Well,
we're net.heros, aren't we?"
"And one of the most common superpowers is flight. It would make sense
that we'd be able to fly too, wouldn't it?"
Pow Bang Wham looked down at the ground beneath him, and decided that
now probably wasn't the best time to point out that his leader was
wrong. "Uh. Yeah. Sure. Maybe we should land, though. You know. Just
"Just in case of what?"
"Just in case PBW wets himself!" snarled Metro Grill. "Really, Whammy
-- what's gotten into you lately? You're acting like Coward Lad of the
Pow Bang Wham scowled. "I just don't like that every net.villain in
Alt.stralia knows exactly where we are right about now. It's not a
good position to be in."
THOUSANDS of them!!
"Over niiiiiiiine thousand," remarked Metro Grill dryly as the
assassins made their presence known.
"Over nine thousand what?" asked a figure shrouded in darkness as he
emerged from the shadows.
"Ninjas, of course."
The figure smiled. "Or," he said, "are they?"
The ninjas flipped out and revealed themselves to be evil cyborg space
cowboy aliens with five face-tentacles, controlled by dark faeries!
"Insidious," murmured Pow Bang Wham.
Questionable Logic Man shook his head, clearly annoyed. "No, I'm
sorry, that doesn't work. The evil cyborg space cowboy aliens with
five face-tentacles concealed themselves like ninjas and flipped out
like ninjas -- whether they're actually ninjas or not, they are
capable of things that only ninjas could ever hope to be capable of.
They are _clearly_ evil cyborg space cowboy alien ninjas with five
There was a pleasant-sounding 'ding!' as the evil cyborg space cowboy
alien ninjas with five face-tentacles each acquired a katana.
"What's more, how do we know that they're controlled by dark faeries
simply by looking at them? I mean, that's just ridiculous. Clearly, we
either don't know that they're controlled by dark faeries, or they're
not actually really controlled by dark faeries. And since we already
know that they are, then they're actually not at all."
The evil cyborg space cowboy alien ninjas with five face-tentacles
dropped their aggressive poses and looked at one another, baffled, as
they realised that they were once again free.
"Also, how can an entire race of cyborg space cowboy alien ninjas all
be evil? Isn't there any room for morally grey thought in their cyborg
half-brains? I mean, no, sorry, but there's no way that they could
possibly all be as evil, bad and plain unneighbourly as you're making
them out to be."
The cyborg space cowboy alien ninjas began smiling at one another
through their five face-tentacles. "Hey, Joe, you wanna play some
Twister?" "Good one, Ron!" "Excellent, Ted." They quietly began
"And isn't the 'space' in their names kind of implied if they're
aliens, unless they're not actually space aliens, but rather 'aliens'
in the sense that they're humans who just happen to have a different
ethnic background? In which case it seems incredibly unlikely that
they would have five face-tentacles, don't you think?"
The Polish cyborg cowboy ninjas got out a Twister mat.
"It occurs to me, too, that if they're cyborg cowboy ninjas, wouldn't
they be half-robot half-cowboy half-ninja? I mean, they seem sort of
peaceful and happy to be half-emotionless, half-unusually-aggressive
and half-epic-warrior, don't they?"
The Poles continued their game of Twister in silent happiness.
"Hrm. Y'know, actually, buddy, if they were Polish, wouldn't they all
be sort of homesick? They must just live locally, somewhere around
here. In Syd.net."
Over nine thousand people went out and repopulated Syd.net.
The dastardly figure raised a finger as if in protest, and also opened
his mouth. No words came out. He opened and shut his mouth a few more
times before replying, "Y'know what? I totally hadn't planned for
~ * ~
The Duo Contempo had holed themselves up in a small house near the
river. The cows had gone missing after their impromptu swim, but, as
Contempo Weapons Lad had pointed out despite his affection for the
beasts, if they could drive the ute from Alt.elaide to Syd.net, they
could surely find their way to the Duo now.
Contempo Weapons Lad glanced around the blinds that were hiding them.
"Y'know, I think we lost 'em. Do you reckon it would be safe to go
Obsessive-Compulsive Boy, who had had his mouth taped shut, shrugged
chirpily. Taking that as an affirmative, CWLad eased open the door...
...and came face-to-face with a wall of spandex.
"Um...? Hey, OCBoy?"
"Can you check the window? I just want to know if it's been covered by
"Mrf mphn mrfph."
"Thanks, OCBoy. That was about as helpful as a raging halibut in my
scro-" Contempo Weapons Lad came up short as, through the window, a
familiar face stared back at him. "You? But... you're dead!"
The face peeled back into a smile like shattered glass, and the man
rasped, "'Ello, Contempo Weapons Lad..."
~ * ~
"Hey! Hey, buddy, you know somethin'?! You wanna know somethin',
buddy?! Ya holdin' up traffic, ya freakin' galosh, now get off the
freakin' road!" Horns honked and tempers were frayed as Syd.net's
newest residents in their recently commandeered motor vehicles
pressured Team Q and their nemesis off of the road.
"Wait, what...? No! I trained you to be elite warriors! This doesn't
work at all!" cried the exasperated mystery man as he was nearly run
over by one of his ex-minions.
"It just goes to show you, guy-shrouded-in-shadows," declared
Questionable Logic Man in his most masculine of voices, "that crime
doesn't pay. Much. Or often. And that even when you haven't committed
a crime, but rather raised your own personal army from creatures
completely outside legal jurisdiction, it still doesn't pay, neither
much nor often."
"But... my plan would have worked perfectly! Why are they angry
motorists...? Why?! It makes no sense!"
"It makes perfect sense!" snapped Questionable Logic Man.
The man grew increasingly irritated, and finally stepped forward in
such a way that the dark, obscuring shadow was thrust from his face.
"You?!" cried Pow Bang Wham.
"Yes!" the figure declared. "It is I, Pow Bang Wham, your arch-
nemesis, Evil Bad Unneighbourly!"
The various members of Team Q gasped in such a way that suggested that
they didn't really care. Pow Bang Wham merely nodded. "I thought you'd
come back one day to haunt my... stuff that I do. Heroism. Stuff. Yeah."
Wham looked around nervously. "So! What's your plan this time,
"Maybe you didn't notice," Evil Bad Unneighbourly remarked dryly, "I
had over nine thousand evil cyborg space cowboy alien ninjas with five
face-tentacles under the control of my dark faeries before!" The
villain pulled a large jar containing several unfriendly-looking
faeries out of nowhere. "I guess I won't be needing _these_ any more!"
He undid the lid, and the dark faeries flew off into the sky.
Pow Bang Wham considered this. "You do have a fair point. Except that
I'm reasonably certain that you would have like, bolted before now if
you didn't have some sort of dastardly scheme to keep you more-or-less
alive if it came to a fight."
"A dastardly scheme, you say?"
"Yes. A dastardly scheme."
"A dastardly scheme... LIKE THIS?!" Evil Bad Unneighbourly struck a
dramatic pose, outlining the hardships of modern life with a
postmodernist view on the deterministic values of what is essentially
a capitalist empire.
Pow Bang Wham didn't budge, but the other members of Team Q conceded
their enemy a polite clap. A drive-by can-thrower threw an empty can
of Mr. Paprika at the villain, yelling out as he drove past, "You're
Evil Bad Unneighbourly rubbed the back of his head gingerly. "Ow. That
"Give up yet, Evil Bad Unneighbourly?"
"No. Well, yes, pretty much. Time for me to run away now, wouldn't you
say?" The net.villain gave an outrageous wink. "Eh?"
Metro Grill caught Questionable Logic Man's eye, and they raised an
eyebrow each. Evil Bad Unneighbourly, suspended above the ground by
the two heroes holding onto his eyebrows, let out a panicked "Meep!"
Pow Bang Wham sighed and waved his partners down. "Let him go, guys --
"Harmless?! I was just in control of over nine thousand-"
"Yeah, we noticed. You also had 'striking a pose' as one of your
dastardly schemes. What's your next act of terror? Throwing a turtle
Evil Bad Unneighbourly grinned. 'Twas a grin not entirely unlike
shattered glass. Yes, I realise I used that simile before, but I
really liked it, so I'm going to use it twice. It actually came to me
on the bus this morning, to be honest, and I was like, "Ooh, I like
that, I shall use it later on" and now it turns out I'm using it
twice. Spiffy, eh?
"Yes. That is exactly what I intend to do!" And with that, Evil Bad
Unneighbourly threw a small turtle at Azure X and ran.
Azure dropped the poor shelled thing instinctively; its shell was
already bubbling from contact with her radioactive skin. The little
turtle stuck its head out and looked around, observing the damage. It
nodded sleepily, and began crawling along the sidewalk. When it had
gotten about a metre, it stopped, retreated into its shell, and grew.
Really, really big. Really, really quickly.
The collective eyes of Team Q widened as the turtle, now about three
metres tall and still growing, popped back out of its shell with a
small helicopter cap on. You know the ones -- with propellers. Not
really 'helicopter' caps at all, but if I refer to them as such, you
know what I mean. Do they even have proper names? Oh, never mind. I do
seem to be getting distracted an awful lot this evening, don't I? I
IRREGARDLESS (Lord I hate that word!)...
The turtle put on a cap, and then tied it on with a strap around his
chin. Saluting to the Team as he gave it a spin, he quickly began to
rise up into the air. Questionable Logic Man, Pow Bang Wham, Azure X
and Metro Grill watched with mounting horror as the world became
acquainted with the first known TURTLE OF APOCALYPTIC PROPORTIONS
(keeping in mind that this was months, after all, before the Infinite
~ * ~
Contempo Weapons Lad and Obsessive-Compulsive Boy sat in the darkened
room, facing the two previous mysterious figures that have been
referred to as 'the mysterious figures' for long enough. One, the
male, was also seated, and the other was hovering in mid-air, kept
there by the steady beating of her wings.
I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man held out a hand,
which Contempo Weapons Lad shook. "I don't understand," the muddled
net.hero admitted. "I thought you drowned in Bris.bit. Way back in
like, Issue 9."
"We did," snapped Flutterfly. "Thanks for saving us so well. You're a
natural hero, kid."
Contempo Weapons Lad's confusion quickly gave way to his fiery
temperament. "Hey! You could have, y'know, not gotten into the water.
It was never my fault that you were idiots."
"Our stupidity is not the issue here," said IJCQSTGMSTFMan in a
reassuring tone as he stood between the two upset heroes.
"But how did you survive? What happened? I thought you were _dead_! I
disbanded Super Duper yadda-yadda-whatever-no-one-cares-go-die-in-a-
fire ages ago! If I'd known you were alive, I never would've resorted
to hanging out with this lump!"
Obsessive-Compulsive Boy waved his head around as if in some bizarre
form of greeting. As well as having his mouth taped shut, he was now
also firmly tied to his chair, with his toothbrush on the other side
of the room. As Contempo Weapons Lad reappraised his situation, he
wondered if he should have taped his sidekicks nostrils shut, too. He
certainly hadn't been quite as much use as he had imagined he would
have been when he kidnapped him from Team Q.
"Well," began Spandex Man slowly, after having gazed upon OCBoy, "down
we were going into the deep ocean, weighed down by our respective
loads. Fortunately, my spandex happened to be loose enough that I
could swim out of the left leg hole, freeing myself from the
constraints of my costume."
Flutterfly sighed wistfully at the memory.
"Realising that Flutterfly could probably recover her damaged wings if
given time, I grabbed her and began pushing her up to the surface.
What you have to understand, however, is that was a lot further than I
had been expecting it to be. We'd almost made it when, as if by some
incredibly unfunny in-joke, I developed a severe cramp, and was unable
to make it."
Contempo Weapons Lad nodded, deep in contemplation. "That is rather
"Strange indeed are the ways of the authors," agreed Flutterfly.
"And so we died!" continued I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-
To-Fit Man. "And then we came back. I don't know why. We just sort of
materialised on top of a building in Syd.net. We looked around, found
a newspaper, realised it had been a while since we'd been alive. Then
we saw you falling from Cent.rec.point Tower, so Flutterfly raced in
to save you while I distracted the flamingo hordes from eating the
colourful kid here."
"I saw you!" gasped Contempo Weapons Lad. "I remember that now! Your
spandex was getting ripped to shreds by all those flamingos!"
"Yep. That was me."
"We decided," Flutterfly said, picking up the story, "to see how just
how far you'd developed. You're still the most junior member of Super
Duper, after all. While we were impressed, we agreed that you still
"And that's why you pulled a gun on my ute?"
"No. That was a tranquiliser. And it was pulled on those annoying
supersteer that kept firing gosh darn lasers out of their eyes at us."
"Eureka!" cried Contempo Weapons Lad.
IJCQSTGMSTFMan and Flutterfly gave a start at this unexpected
"Um." said Spandex Man. He pointed at OCBoy. "You mean him?"
"You mean this here toothbrush?" asked Flutterfly, holding up OCBoy's
Obsessive-Compulsive Boy, even through his gag, let out a delighted
high-pitched squeal as his attention was drawn back to his toothbrush.
Rocking his chair happily from side to side, he over balanced and
smashed his head against the ground.
Their guests winced, and Contempo Weapons Lad waved a hand
dismissively. "Eh, he's better off that way, trust me. Let's go find
my cows before they wreck anything we couldn't con someone else into
paying off for us."
~ * ~
Meanwhile, Team Q had put into effect their most effective strategy
for dealing with Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions. Naturally, since
was the first time the world had encountered such a menace, they were
a few flaws in their plan. But they were working them out as they went
As common sense had dictated to them, they had screamed and ran as
soon as it became clear that the Turtle had no plans of stopping its
growth. Joining the panicking masses, they had been trapped in the
city-wide gridlock that passed as traffic in Syd.net.
"Gazooks, gosh golly, alas and alackaday!" Questionable Logic Man had
cried, summoning up the worst curses that his vocabulary could conjure
on such short notice. The masses, seemingly having caught on that this
was probably the fault of some costumed clowns of some description,
had gotten sort of hostile towards them.
Finally, Team Q was able to escape into a back alley where several
Syd.net-siders were hiding. Beating the daylights out of these
isolated individuals, they had rejoined the civilians in running
scared in much more casual civilian gear. Anyone who noticed that
Azure X had blue skin and that anyone who got too close to her died
was too smart to admit to it.
All in all, Metro Grill decided, they weren't doing too badly for
their first Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions encounter.
They rounded another corner, and saw people fleeing even more madly as
another net.villain stood in the centre of a fountain. "Yes!" he was
crying triumphantly. "Flee! Flee and panic, little people! Bwa bwa ha!
Bwa ha ha bwa ha! Bwa hee hoo ha bwa ha! Flee and panic as you face
the greatest fear you have ever known! Flee and panic as you face... the
"City Sewer!" gasped Metro Grill. "My arch nemesis! How did you
possibly know where to look for us?"
"I told you it was stupid to stay here," hissed Pow Bang Wham, "didn't
I? I told you that they'd all find us."
"It was easy," boomed City Sewer who, as the Team could now see, had
various pipes and pieces of plumbing coming out of his costume at
strange, strange angles. "All I had to do was unleash a plague of blue
dogs with exceptionally good olfactory senses into the middle of the
Alt.stralian desert! There, un-a-known to you, their super-sniffy
noses would be able to precisely target you out! It also helped that
you just so happened to pass through there fairly recently, too, for
Metro Grill shook his head angrily. "Of course! I should have foreseen
this eventuality!" Grabbing a small metallic device from seemingly
nowhere, he continued, "All this time, I was preparing for you to
unleash a plague of _fuchsia_ dogs with exceptionally good olfactory
senses into the middle of the Alt.stralian desert!" He threw the half-
built contraption onto the ground. "What a fool I was not to see!"
City Sewer chuckled menacingly. "Yes. A fool indeed! You always were
far too predictable for your own good, Grill."
Azure X and Questionable Logic Man traded concerned glances, trying to
figure out which part of the ludicrous schemes could vaguely be
considered predictable. Pow Bang Wham interrupted the moment, however,
as he declared, "Um. Yes. Well, that's all very nice, but shouldn't we
get going? I mean, really, there's still an apocalyptically-
proportioned turtle flying around the city. That's generally not a
good sign for tourism."
City Sewer frowned. "Wait, say whatt? A what?"
"A Turtle. Of Apocalyptic Proportions. Evil Bad Unneighbourly's
already terrorising the city."
"Damn it, Evil Bad Unneighbourly!" cursed City Sewer. "He _always_
beats me to the best plans! A turtle! A Turtle of Apocalyptic
Proportions! I was an idiot not to think of it first!" He continued
grumbling as he stomped away from the group, and back down into the
massive rainwater drains beneath the metropolis. "Where's that
uncommonly-shaped bean plant I had the other day...?!"
Metro Grill shook his head with a remarkable amount of angst. "He'll
be back. I just know it."
"Yeah. Right. Cool. Let's keep moving before the giant tortoise
squishes us into little pieces."
And so, in the guise of panicking citizens, they did.
~ * ~
After an hour of scouring the city of Pen.rec.th, the Duo Contempo met
back up with the formerly dead twosome from Bris.bit. "Any sign of the
"That depends," Flutterfly replied flatly. "Does a flying Turtle of
Apocalyptic Proportions rampaging through the CBD count as a sign of a
Contempo Weapons Lad considered this. "No. It counts as a sign of a
place that we should really, really stay away from. Anything else
unusual?" I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man shook
his head. Obsessive-Compulsive Boy followed suite. Contempo Weapons
Lad breathed in deeply, and exhaled heavily. "Okay. So maybe given the
fact that the cows were drawn here when Flamingor was attacking is a
pretty solid sign that they tend to head towards danger. I do not,
however, like the idea of going towards a- how did you put it again,
"Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions."
"Yeah, thems the one. No, I do not plan to go anywhere near that
thing." Contempo Weapons Lad frowned, and began pacing the room. "Is
there anyway we could just find out if the cows are there, without
actually placing ourselves at bodily harm?"
"There's always the ALBION.heroes," suggested IJCQSTGMSTFMan.
"You mean the Alt.stralian League of Background, Ineffectual, Otiose
"The one and same."
"No. They're simply not worth mentioning."
The other three net.heroes nodded in agreement, knowing full well the
truth behind this argument. After some more consideration, Contempo
Weapons Lad began to eye Obsessive-Compulsive Boy thoughtfully. "What
about Team Q? Is there some way to contact them? They're probably in
the middle of it all. Heck, they're probably the cause of it all. But
Questionable Logic Man may come in useful, not only in finding our
cows, but stopping this Big Turtle of Unpleasantness, or whatever."
"Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions. And I just love the way you
mentioned finding the cows before saving the world."
Contempo Weapons Lad gave a wry grin. "'Sif there's a difference. But
that's not the issue right now. Pending any more information on the
whereabouts of the supersteer or how to stop the-"
"-Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions-"
"-yeah, that's the one. Pending any more information on how to stop
them, I say we track down Questionable Logic Man. How hard could it
In a staggering display of narrative predictability, Questionable
Logic Man, Pow Bang Wham, Metro Grill and Azure X burst through the
door of the suburban home. "Ha ha! A clearly deserted and
inconspicuous residential complex! Perfect for us to use as an
underground base before we make our comeback!"
CWLad's jaw dropped. "Questionable Logic Man?! What are you doing
"Contempo Weapons Lad?! What are you doing alive?!"
There was an awkward silence.
"By which I, too, mean 'here'!" As an aside, he muttered, "If by
'here' I mean 'the realm of the living' which, by my thinly veiled
attempt at being polite shows, I would indeed say that I do."
"It troubles me," Contempo Weapons Lad replied slowly, "that you're
surprised at my livingness. It was you, after all, whom I entrusted
with the task of preserving my life after I, y'know, dived off the top
"Well, obviously I succeeded with said task, did I not?"
"No, you did not. Flutterfly and I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-
Spandex-To-Fit Man here did."
The woefully underdeveloped background characters smiled and waved.
Pow Bang, Azure and the Grill all greeted them warmly in return.
"Well, obviously, they only did it because I got them to."
"They were dead before!"
"Then clearly I brought them back!"
The two net.heroes glared at one another for a long moment.
Eventually, Questionable Logic Man broke the vicious showdown by
joyfully sing-songing, "So! I don't suppose you'd all like to join up
with Team Q then, eh? It's just that it occurs to me that we could
double our numbers if you did. Assuming that my assumption that OCBoy
running off with you rather than staying with us was an unofficial
sort of resignation, anyway. Judging by his current bound-and-gagged
position, I would question his consent in all of this."
"My sidekick," hissed Contempo Weapons Lad, "was never a part of your
"Evidently not," Quel shot back, "if _this_ is how he spends his
All the other heroes, including Azure X and OCBoy, exclaimed "Oooh!"
in a low tone as they turned to hear Contempo Weapons Lad's rebuttal.
"Oh yeah? Well... you dropped something!"
"YOUR GUARD!" and with that, Contempo Weapons Lad stabbed Questionable
Logic Man in the eye with Obsessive-Compulsive Boy's toothbrush. "Duo
Contempo! Super Duper Awesome Team Force Go!! It's flee-the-scene
Grabbing the bound OCBoy, he jolted out the door, only to come face-to-
eye with the Apocalyptically Proportioned Eye of the Turtle of
Apocalyptic Proportions. "Herro," the Turtle boomed in a reverberating
I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man and Flutterfly
exited the house almost directly after them, and looked up into the
eye with frozen terror. Soon after them came Team Q, lead by
Questionable Logic Man. They, too, seemed somewhat unprepared for the
sight that greeted them.
"Aha! Team Q! And other such strugglers," declared a familiar voice as
Evil Bad Unneighbourly stepped forward. "I greet you. For the last
time. Until we're dead, anyway, in which case I'll probably greet you
once or twice in the afterlife, if indeed, the afterlife exists. But
now is not the time for swishy-swashy philosophical hoo-hah!; the time
for dialogue is over. No one wants it."
"Then why are you still talking?" snapped Pow Bang Wham. "That seems a
bit hypocritical, doesn't it?"
"Not at all," replied Evil Bad Unneighbourly, "not at all. Especially
when you consider my next sinister plot!" Evil Bad assumed a facial
expression that would suggest he was melodramatically surprised.
The combined net.heroes looked at each other, clearly confused. "The
Hell is this guy's problem?" "What's he doin'?" "Now there's a face
only his mama could love..."
Eventually, Pow Bang Wham approached the stagnant villain. He waved a
hand in front of his eyes. No response. He knocked on the side of his
head. No response. Confused, he reached forward and gave a forceful
push to the centre of his enemy's chest. Evil Bad Unneighbourly fell
backwards, not once moving a single muscle to stop himself. After
leaning down and placing an ear on the villain's chest, Pow Bang Wham
told the assembled net.heroes; "It would appear that Evil Bad
Unneighbourly has sadly passed away, probably from excessive lameness.
The city may yet sleep safely!"
"Or may it?!" declared the same familiar voice that was making a
declaration last time I referred to a familiar voice. The net.heroes
whipped around to face... an army of Evil Bad Unneighbourlies! They
were, naturally, terribly unimpressed.
"An army of supervillains? 'Sif that hasn't been done before."
"Yeah. And normally it's a lot cooler, seeing as they're, y'know,
"Sir, I proclaim that you suck!"
The EBUs looked away, hurt. "Hey," they all said as one, "cut me some
slack, eh? I'm still suffering jetlag from the plane ride over here."
The Turtle made a strange sound and nodded supportively. All but one
of the Evil Bad Unneighbourlies moved in for a hug with the gigantic
beast, and, accordingly, all but one were inadvertently squished to
"Confound it!" cried the last standing Evil Bad Unneighbourly as the
Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions blushed ashamedly. "Come, my dear
Toap; away to the skies once more, that we may relish our solitude
together!" He climbed up onto the Turtle, who then proceeded to fly
All eight of the heroes watched EBU and the Turtle of Apocalyptic
Proportions fly away. After a moment, Contempo Weapons Lad spoke up.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiightio then. So, as I was saying. Flee, Duo Contempo amd
Super Duper Awesome Team For-!"
"Crack!" CWLad went down fast as Pow Bang Wham's fist connected with
the back of his head. "That guy has pissed me off for so long, it
ain't even funny."
Questionable Logic Man nodded, and painfully rubbed his eye. "Indeed.
That toothbrush hurt." Turning to I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-
Spandex-To-Fit Man and Flutterfly, he asked, "So, I don't suppose you
considered my previous offer of joining the Team?"
~ * ~
Contempo Weapons Lad handed the grubby crane operator his money, and
sat down to sulk over the recently-retrieved wreckage of his ute. His
ute! His beautiful, beautiful, faithful ute. He remembered learning to
drive in it when he was six. He remembered uncountable accidents, and
fixing each and every busted part with his own hands, spit and chewing
But not this time.
He'd awoken outside the house they'd been using as a temporary
Pen.rec.th base with two notes. One was from Questionable Logic Man,
'regretfully' informing him that I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-
Spandex-To-Fit Man and Flutterfly had joined Team Q, they had all gone
off to fight Evil Bad Unneighbourly and the increasing threat that was
the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions, and, oh, by the way, your
sidekick was annoying us so we packaged him up and sent him to
Ame.rec.a, where they're generally more tolerant of idiots.
Then he had opened his second note. It was from the owner of the house
they'd been using as a temporary Pen.rec.th base, letting him know
that next time they found his costumed ass on their property he'd get
so many legal cases up it that it wouldn't be good for much else.
So, alone and dejected, he had gone off in search of the last two
things left of his net.hero career. Interestingly enough, he had
reflected later, they were also the two first things he had gotten.
The two things that meant the most to his farmer's heart.
His ute and his cows.
Now that he'd gotten his ute back, he was questioning the logic behind
his decision. It was not at all serviceable. Indeed, it looked as
though the supersteers had gotten to it first. But where were they
He remembered his previous idea of finding Questionable Logic Man, and
convincing him to help them find the cows. Where had that gone wrong?
Probably around about the point where he stabbed him in the eye with a
Contempo Weapons Lad couldn't help but chuckle. Good memory.
But regardlessly, the cows were -- come on guys, let's be honest now
-- the only thing he presently had worth going for. Which, whilst
vaguely depressing, was the way things were.
He reached into the ruined ute, and, with a sound not dissimilar to a
sword being dramatically unsheathed, ripped out the gear stick and
It was time for some serious contempo weapon action.
~ * ~
"...and you're one hundred percent sure that this is going to work?"
Metro Grill inquired.
"Of course!" Questionable Logic Man proclaimed. "Do you really want me
to go over it one more time?"
Azure X regarded the small panel that currently comprised her world.
"For the benefit of the readers, yes, it would probably be a good
idea." And then her mouth was gone again.
"Fine." QLMan pointed at I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-
Fit Man, who was standing about five metres away from a building which
some excess spandex had been nailed to. "We load Pow Bang Wham and
Flutterfly up into the giant catapult, expertly constructed out of our
good friend, Lotsa Spandex Guy here."
"...yeah, like I said, Lotsa Spandex Guy. So anyway, the three of us,
you, me, and Azure X, pull pack and let 'er rip, sending Whammy and
Flutterfly up into the stratosphere, where, if you look closely, you
can vaguely make out the details of the Turtle of Apocalyptic
Proportions. Lord only knows how his helicopter cap is holding out."
"You realise, of course," Metro Grill replied, unimpressed, "that
we'll never be able to aim this thing accurately enough to hit it?"
"Of course not! That's why Flutterfly's going up, too -- with the
momentum we've given them, all she need do is adjust Pow Bang Wham's
flight path in the air so that he lands on the Turtle."
Flutterfly gulped. Audibly.
"Then Pow Bang Wham can have his dramatic showdown with his arch-
nemesis and we can all go back home to Alt.elaide."
IJCQSTGMSTFMan looked up. "Wait. But we live in Bris.bit."
"Read the contract, Stretch, ya livin' down south now." Regarding his
ready peers, Quel continued on to announce, "Okay! Everybody ready,
it's time to kill one Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions and a crazed
net.villain with one heavily-muscled schlemiel. Five...!"
Metro Grill and Azure X began pulling on the spandex.
I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man braced himself.
Questionable Logic Man added his strength to the Grill and Azure,
pulling it back even further.
Pow Bang Wham and Flutterfly moved backwards, settling themselves in
to the vast expanse of material that awaited them.
"One! Ejaculate this thing, go go go!"
Caught unawares by this turn of phrase, Pow Bang Wham turned around
just as the slingshot was launched. "Wha...?" His question was cut off,
however, as the spandex snapped him straight in the groin. Letting out
a howl of agony, he curled up into the fetal position, grabbing and
holding onto a large amount of IJCQSTGMSTFMan's costume in the process
as he and Flutterfly went hurtling away in a tangled ball.
There was a moment of shocked silence as I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-
Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man's face filled an entire page. "Oh."
And then, screaming heartily, he was pulled up with them.
Metro Grill and Azure X looked on, totally flabbergasted. Questionable
Logic Man ran forward with his arms up with the sky, as if reaching
for his doomed team-mates, an expression of pure horror on his face.
As the helplessness of the situation dawned on him, his arms came
down, and he held up his index fingers as if trying to explain
something, although no words escaped his mouth. After opening and
closing his mouth like a cod for a while, he turned to face Azure X
and Metro Grill.
Pointing at the sky, he proclaimed, "Okay, that was _not_ my fault,
~ * ~
After having eventually found a trail to lead him in vaguely the right
direction, Contempo Weapons Lad had been able to follow a few large
and outstanding scorch marks to where, hopefully, he would be able to
find the supersteer.
He rounded a corner into a small lane. Something that appeared to be a
giant purple latex balloon had been stretched to fill up the street.
Eureka and Foundim were pulling it back at a precise angle, glancing
at a small diagram covered with complex calculations they had at their
feet and then making adjustments every now and then.
Thatswhereiputthebluddything was sitting within the balloon, a
determined expression on his face.
"Eureka! Foundim! Thatswhereiputthebluddything! Why are you guys
playing with a giant purple balloon? And why does the balloon have
ribs and taste like blueberr... uh, okay, totally not the point. What
are you guys doing?"
Eureka and Foundim traded arch glances. Eureka held up a hoof in a
'wait' sort of motion, and Foundim held onto the balloon,
melodramatically rolling his eyes and tapping his foot as if to say
'hurry up!' while Eureka edited the equations on the ground. The
steers looked back at the piece of paper, and readjusted the balloon.
Thatswhereiputthebluddything gave CWLad another hoofs-up.
"Uuh... cows? What are you doing...?"
Foundim winked conspiratorially, and Eureka gave a cheeky salute as
they let go. Thatswhereiputthebluddything went flying forwards,
kicking the surprised Contempo Weapons Lad in the face as he went.
CWLad, not exactly expecting this response, instinctively threw up his
hands to try to protect himself. The steering wheel that he was
holding latched onto Thatswhereiputthebluddything's horn, and the two
of them went rocketing off into the sky, towards, as Contempo Weapons
Lad could now see, the outline of a giant Turtle.
Eureka and Foundim watching them go. Snickering, they high-hoofed one
another before packing up the balloon and moving on. They had a date
with destiny to attend to.
~ * ~
Pow Bang Wham, once he realised what had happened, began desperately
unwrapping himself and Flutterfly from the mess. "Quick quick quick!
We need Flutter's wings or we're all going to die!"
I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man needed no
encouragement as he untangled his costume from the other two
net.heroes. In a surprisingly efficient amount of time, all three of
them were rising independently.
"Now what?" yelled Flutterfly over the wind. "I can't push both of
you! I don't have any limbs, remember?!"
"Save Pow Bang Wham!" the other two cried at once. IJCQSTGMSTFMan shot
Pow Bang a dirty look before continuing, "Go ahead with the mission as
planned. Sometimes a hero's just got to do what a hero's got to do."
As he reached the climax of his height, he gave a little salute and
began falling away.
Fortunately, the wind caught in the folds of his costume, and it blew
up like a giant parachute. "Gee willikers!" he exclaimed. "What a
piece of good luck, eh?" Looking down, he saw something that looked
unusually like a cow racing towards him.
Before he even had time to question the cows presence here in the
middle of the sky, it shot gosh darn laser beams out of its eyes,
superheating the air inside his costume and popping his makeshift
Rather than falling, as he expected that he would, his costume acted
not entirely unlike a giant balloon would if you hadn't tied the end
up and then just... let... go.
Tossed around in the air like a rag doll, I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-
Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man screamed as he flew this way and that way
and which way and what way, finally letting out the remainder of his
air with a quick spiral upwards...
...and then falling two metres, landing on the back of the Turtle of
Apocalyptic Proportions. Five pairs of eyes turned to face him with
differing expressions of "Um, what?" on their faces. It took him a
second to recognise everyone. There were Pow Bang Wham and Flutterfly,
and Contempo Weapons Lad... that was definitely one of his supersteer...
and there, at the other end of the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions,
stood Evil Bad Unneighbourly.
"Well," the villain said hesitantly. "I must say that this was kind of
unexpected. As in, really."
~ * ~
"It occurs to me," said Metro Grill acidly, "that of all the stupid
things you could have done at that precise moment, that was one of the
stupidest. What was it again? 'Let's ejaculate this mama'?"
"What?! No! Nothing so lewd! I merely cried, 'Let's ejaculate this
thing, go go go!'. I thought it would be like a warcry."
"You, sir," spat the Grill, "are an idiot."
Then there was a massive PEEEW PEEEW, as if gosh darn lasers were
being fired, and a
as if a giant balloon had just had all the air let out of it.
The three groundside net.heroes looked up past the rooftops of the
houses to see IJCQSTGMSTFMan do his flying routine, and also see City
Sewer attempting to sneak up on them from a rooftop.
"Oh! ...ah, hello, net.hero scum!" he tried. "Uh... you're in trouble
Azure X rolled her eyes and looked away disinterestedly. Quel made a
similar motion of indifference, but Metro Grill puffed himself up to
his full size. "Aha! City Sewer, my arch nemesisss! Today is the day
you burn!" And with that, he set his body alight with pink flames.
"That is what you think!" rebuffed the Sewer, gaining some courage.
"For I have a secret weapon!"
There was a loud snort, and the remnants of Team Q turned around to
see two supersteer at the other end of the street, whipping their
hooves against the ground like bulls about to charge. Their eyes
glowed an insidious red.
"Contempo Weapons Lads cows?!" gasped Azure X, forgetting for a moment
that she had no mouth. "What are they doing here...? And working with
the City Sewer...?"
City Sewer shrugged. "I dunno. They're not with me. Though, I gotta
say, that would be a pretty good idea, using a supersteer to-"
He was cut short as his personage was disintegrated by the combined
gosh darn laser gaze of Eureka and Foundim.
The two supersteer advanced slowly, their recharging eyes not leaving
Questionable Logic Man and his companions. They bared their yellow
teeth, which were undeniably pointier than your average longhorns'.
Their eyes grew redder, redder, redder to boiling point.
"They're a-chargin' their gosh darn lasers," warned Metro Grill
The three net.heroes looked at one another, really quite concerned
about their fate. "Don't worry, m'dear," Questionable Logic Man
whispered to Azure X in a shaky bravado. "We're heroes! They're cows!
They couldn't possibly hurt us much, right?"
And with that, he dived through a window of a nearby house, dragging
Azure and Metro Grill in with him. They hit the ground and covered
their heads as the top part of house was destroyed by gosh darn
"Now what, genius?!" raged Metro Grill. "You've gone and gotten them
"Well obviously we escape," Questionable Logic Man snapped back. "We
are net.heroes, after all. They'll come in here looking for us, and we
won't be here. We'll be somewhere else that's really awesome and safe,
like, say, Hawaii!"
Eureka and Foundim kicked over the low wall that was all that remained
of the house. Questionable Logic Man, Metro Grill and Azure X were
nowhere to be found. They nodded at each other, satisfied that their
task was complete.
Now Thatswhereiputthebluddything just had to do his part.
~ * ~
On the back of the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions, which had been
flying for quite some time and was now, you must understand, a fair
distance away from Syd.net, Evil Bad Unneighbourly was in a pickle of
"I'm not sure that you quite understand," he complained as he took off
his pink oven mitts and put a tray of muffins down on a nearby table,
"I'm simply not ready for you yet! Look!; the table isn't set, the
muffins are only just out of the oven, and I haven't even begun to
boil the jug...!" He raced over to a sink, filled a large jug up with
water, and turned it on, apparently waiting for it to boil.
The heroes and supersteer looked at each other, clearly confused. "Uh,
sorry," said Contempo Weapons Lad. "I'm actually here by accident,
myself. But now that we _are_ here, we may as well have a dramatic
showdown, yeah? It'll save time in the long run."
Tears began welling in Evil Bad Unneighbourlys eyes. "You don't
understand! I put so much work into making sure my plans work
perfectly, that they go off without a hitch, and then you just burst
in before I'm done preparing." He gestured sulkily to the muffins.
"The poisonous muffins aren't fit for human consumption yet," he
stomped over to the jug and slipped a small white pill in, "and you
even saw me slip the cyanide into your tea! It just doesn't work that
The heroes looked at each other uncomfortably, and eventually all
their gazes ended up fixed on Pow Bang Wham. "What? What?"
IJCQSTGMSTFMan gestured towards the weeping, flustered net.villain.
"What?! No! He's my _arch nemesis_! We're sworn enemies...! I can't...!
No...! It just...!" Finally, he began bending under the stern gazes of his
companions. "Fine. Fine!"
Pow Bang Wham moved up to the unhappy Unneighbourly. He put his arm
around him, and rubbed his back soothingly. "Come on. Come on. It'll
be okay. This is just _one_ of your little schemes, right? You've had
plenty others which have gone off perfectly! Like when you threw the
turtle at Azure X, yeah?"
"Yeah," sniffed Evil Bad Unneighbourly. "I guess. But there's a flaw
in your logic."
"Oh? What's that?"
"This one's gone about as perfectly as I ever could have planned." And
with that, he stabbed Pow Bang Wham with a kitchen knife.
Pow Bang Wham's eyes widened, and he sank to his knees.
"Dude," gasped Contempo Weapons Lad, "that is purely sinister!"
"And I'm not done yet," Evil Bad Unneighbourly bragged with an
insidious grin. "Toap! Quickly! Press R or Z twice to do a barrel
The Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions made a yawny sound that was
oddly similar to 'pep-peh!', and began tilting on its axis.
"Uh-oh," Pow Bang Wham muttered as his friends ran up the side of the
Turtle to avoid being tipped off. The muffins fell of the table. The
jug fell. The table itself began spiralling down to the Looniearth
below. He fell.
"Pow Bang Wham!" cried IJCQSTGMSTFMan. "Flutterfly, go! You're his
Flutterfly nodded and dived down after him.
Evil Bad Unneighbourly laughed in a manner most unneighbourly indeed.
"Stop here, Toap!" he called to the Turtle, who was now belly-up. "You
know, Lotsa Spandex Guy-"
"Uh, I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man. My name is
"-yes. How lovely for you. Anyway, I must say, your previous act of
slingshottingedness has left an impression on me. And on my Turtle,
The Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions reached down and picked
IJCQSTGMSTFMan in its massive claws. Holding the net.hero in one
'hand', and pulling back on the spandex with another, the Turtle
waited for its masters order. "Bon voyage, you meddling hero scum!"
And I-Just-Can't-Quite-Seem-To-Get-My-Spandex-To-Fit Man went shooting
away, screaming loudly.
"Ho ho ho," laughed Evil Bad Unneighbourly. "That showed them, didn't
"Um," said Contempo Weapons Lad. "Hello? Evil Bad etc. etc.? We're
"Eh? Oh. Right. The annoying guy with the cow. I hadn't quite been
expecting you to show up, so I'm afraid I don't have a cool way to
dispose of you-"
"That won't work again, fiend! I saw your trick with Pow Bang Wham!"
"...yeah, cool. I seriously don't have any plans for you. I guess I'll
just have to take you out the not-so-glorious way." Evil Bad
Unneighbourly unsheathed an unfriendly-looking dagger and began to
approach the young net.hero.
"Fortunately," Contempo Weapon Lad replied as he raised his steering
wheel and gear stick, "I came prepared."
"Prepared? With a steering wheel and gear stick? What are you going to
do, throw 'em at me?" Contempo Weapons Lad threw the steering wheel,
which hit the villain in the noggin. While he was distracted, CWLad
ran up and plunged his gear stick into the pressure point in Evil Bad
Unneighbourlys shoulder. Yelping with pain, the villain dropped his
dagger. "Okay. So maybe you're a bit more prepared than I thought."
"Yeah. Maybe I am." Contempo Weapons Lad smashed Evil Bad
Unneighbourly across the face with his gearstick. "And maybe it's
about time you had a taste of your own medicine, buddy. I hope you can
fly as well as Flamingor, whom I also bested in a fight on a giant
animal-shaped platform kilometres above the ground. Wow. How clichéd.
But anyway -- say goodbwhat the?!"
The Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions shuddered and sent the two
combatants and Thatswhereiputthebluddything flying as the cow shot
gosh darn lasers out of his eyes, destroying the helicopter hat.
"No! Thatswhereiputthebluddything! We need the Turtle of Apocalyptic
Proportions to fly or we all crash and die!" Contempo Weapons Lad
grabbed a giant turtle claw as it came up, and Evil Bad Unneighbourly
grabbed onto Contempo Weapons Lad.
"We're doomed!" shrieked the hysterical villain. "Doomed! Aaargh!"
Suddenly, Questionable Logic Man, Azure X and Metro Grill popped into
existence on the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportion's back.
"Hnuh. This doesn't look like Hawaii at all..."
"Questionable Logic Man!" cried Contempo Weapons Lad. "You've got to
teleport us out of here! The Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions is
about to crash into the ground below!"
"I'm not sure if I can do that," replied Questionable Logic Man. "I
tend to only warp space and time for my friends on Team Q. Speaking of
which, where are they? And what are you doing here?"
"There's no time to explain!"
"Then I guess there's no time for me to save you," sniffed Quel. "Dum
da dee dum. See? Simply no time."
"Damn it, Questionable Logic Man! Pow Bang Wham was stabbed and fell
off, and Flutterfly's gone to save him! I-Just-Can't-Quite... wow, there
really _is_ no time. Anyway, the guy with spandex was thrown off, and
we couldn't stop it! Now teleport us away!"
Questionable Logic Man frowned. "Lotsa Spandex Guy? Dead? What a pity.
What a horrible, horrible pity. Eh well. I guess I can beam Team Q
away now. Later, Contempo Weapons Lad..."
"What?! You can't leave me here!"
"Oh really? I can't take you with me. Not unless you join the Team,
Contempo Weapons Lad looked down at the rapidly approaching ground.
"Quel, when I say there's no time-"
"I don't care." Questionable Logic Man glared at him with eyes of
pure, cold steel. "Are you on the Team, or aren't you?"
Contempo Weapons Lad closed his eyes and swallowed his pride. "Fine.
Yes. Yes! I'll join. I'll join Team Q."
Questionable Logic Man grinned. "Perfect! Now, seeing as how we're all
one, big, happy Team, I suppose we'll survive all of this and end up
back in Alt.elaide, eh?"
And they were gone.
Evil Bad Unneighbourly looked around anxiously. "Uh... hello? Guys?" No
response. "If you can hear me, I'm really sorry about trying to kill
you and everything..." No response.
He looked down at the ground. "Hey... isn't that where Uluru used to
And with a massive 'whumpf!', the Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions
was placed firmly in the ground.
~ * ~
"Ha ha! Run and tremble, run and tremble, citizens of Syd.net!" cried
a brightly-coloured net.villain as he ran into the streets of Syd.net.
"Run from the atrocious, the terrifying, the flamboyant... ORANGE
TEXTA!! Bwa ha ha, ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha... wait. The news said that
Team Q would be here. Where are they??"
A drive-by can-thrower threw an empty can of Mr. Paprika at him as he
drove by. "Freakin' laaame!"
"Hey! Ow! ...where is everyone? What's going on? Aaw, man, don't tell me
I missed out on all the action AGAIN!!"
"You got the wrong memo too, huh?" asked an angsty looking net.villain
sitting in the gutter. Looking wistfully into the glowing palms of his
hands, he sighed, "I guess we're just not as hardcore as we thought..."
Also, a quick note regarding Possum-Man: Relinquished #3-
Accordingly, I'm going to scrap this issue and start writing it again.
Maybe even forget this one for a while, post a different issue as #3,
and come back to it later.
So yes. Expect delays.
Love as always,
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