LNH: An Important Public Service Announcement!
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Thu Jun 7 17:26:52 PDT 2007
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for...
An Important Public Service Announcement!
Billy looked into the palm of his hand and then closed it. A burst of
light shimmered through the crevices of his fist. And then the masked
six-year old, wearing a red towel for a cape, opened it up and out flew
58 butterflies. Each a different color of the rainbow. And as they
fluttered around him, Billy smiled to himself.
"Gosh Gollickers!! I'm gonna use my power all over the world and fill
it full of pretty butterflies!! And everyone will be happy!!"
"Whoahh, there sport!" boomed a voice from the sky. Billy looked up and
saw the metallic golden armored superhero Irony Man floating down
accompanied by some military men with guns. "I think you're forgetting
"Wow! Irony Man!! Forgetting what?!"
"That using super powers if you aren't registered with the LNH is a
crime! Punishable with hard time in jail. And jail for your parents if
they haven't gotten you registered within a month of finding out you
"Gosh, Irony Man! Why is it a crime to make harmless butterflies?"
"Well, sure -- they're not dangerous now. But. Will they always be
harmless? Who can predict the future? Can you Billy? There could come
a time when they stop being harmless and become -- Become killers!!
Yes, Billy. These peace loving butterflies could in a short time become
crazed serial killing rapist satanic worshipping butterflies!! Bent on
destroying America and all it stands for!! Killing your friends and
family and harvesting their organs to support their drug and
prostitution addictions!!! Yes, Billy! Can you say with any certainty
that none of this will come to pass?? And if it does, the blood will be
on your hands Billy!! Yes, Billy! Can you live with being a mass
murder? Can you live with being the next Hitler?! Can you?"
Billy's eyes started to well up. "I -- I -- No! I d-don't wanna be the
next Hitler!! Please!!"
"Of course not. And you don't have to be. Not anymore. You just need
to get your parents to drive you to the nearest LNH registration office.
Or call this number below the screen -- 1-800-LNH-RGSR -- and we'll
send some people to pick you up! And then you'll be on your way to
learning everything you need to know about how to control your powers!
And that's not all! You'll also be sent to a cool camp with other
superkids like yourself where you'll learn all kinds of cool stuff about
being a superhero, which will be just like summer camp except for the
whole no arts and crafts -- and guards shooting electric nets at you if
you try to escape. But fun!! Lots of fun!!"
"Wow! That sounds awesome!"
"But that's not all! If you get registered now -- you'll also get this
way-cool 'LNH Registration Rocks!' T-shirt, a bitchin' LNH registration
beanie cap with propeller, an autographed poster of yours truly that you
can hang above your bed, and a chip that will be installed in your
brain!! Although you'll have to act quickly because we have limited
supplies of these items (except for the brain chips, which we have
"Wow! My own brain chip! I always wanted one!"
"Thanks, Irony Man! I'm gonna go and tell my parents to register me
"Good idea, Billy! And the rest of you superkids out there? Remember.
It's not just a good idea. It's the law! You don't want your parents
or pets going to jail -- Do you? Do you?! I'll be watching."
For more information about this call this number.
And now we return you back to your regularly scheduled programming...
The High Fructose Corn Syrup Trans-Fat Guzzling Happy Fun Hour!!!!!
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Arthur "The Beige Countdown Begins!" Spitzer
More information about the racc