LNH: LNH Comics Presents #502: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 467
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sat Jun 2 17:59:41 PDT 2007
Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents...
INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG
EPISODE FOUR HUNDRED AND
May 2nd, 2007
Cannon Fodder opened up his eyes.
Was it all a dream -- Some horrible nightmare?
He was back in the Peril Room.
He looked at the Peril Room. Cracks. Scorch marks. Wires hanging out.
He stood up. And walked out of the room.
Time to look at the world again.
Time to live again.
It's Finally Over With!
(Well... Okay. Not Completely Over.)
As Cannon Fodder walked out of the room, he started to see the full
scope of the damage caused by the war between the Robot duplicates and
the supervillains. Dust, broken glass, and rubble obstructed his path.
He saw Captain Cleanup sweeping away some of the rubble.
"Hey, Captain!" said Cannon Fodder with a friendly smile.
Captain Cleanup looked briefly up at Cannon Fodder and gave him a scowl
and then went back to sweeping the hall way. Captain Cleanup muttered
something under his breath.
Cannon Fodder continued on his way towards the main computer room.
Before he could get there he stumbled into Bad Timing Boy.
"Hey, Cannon Fodder! We had this vote about who should give the bad
news to Ultimate Ninja and you won. Congratulations. Oh, yeah.
Ultimate Ninja wants to see you pronto. Nice knowing you."
Cannon Fodder sighed to himself. "Yeah, sure. Got to go see wReamHack
"Hey, wReamHack!" Cannon Fodder saw his old friend fiddling around with
wires. Like everything else the computer room of the LNHHQ was totally
"Uhuh. Can I do something for you?" wReamHack continued fiddling with
"Yeah. I need you to retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad out of the
Peril Room teleportation hard drive.
"Come again? Trapped where? How did this happen?" wReamhack stopped
what he was doing and focused his attention on Cannon Fodder.
"Look, it's a long story. Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was badly injured
and I couldn't get him to a hospital in time so with the help of Vector
Prime (You know that chick from the Birth of a Villain crossover) I had
the Alt-Imate Ninja kill him in the Peril Room with all of the safeties
on and I trapped him in the hard drive so when everything was less
chaotic some one could retrieve him and take care of his wounds."
"You let the Melissa Virus chick mess with our computer systems. Jeez.
Who knows what kind of surprises she left us?"
"Look. Can you do it? Can you retrieve Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad?"
"I guess. But who knows. Lots of our computer equipment was trashed.
Some of it stolen. And who knows what effect being stored for a long
time as info has on someone. But I'll try to see what I can do."
"You'll need to get some medical persons too when you retrieve him. He
was shot. And bleeding a lot. Just do your best."
"It's good to see you, wReamHack."
"Umm. Yeah, good to see you too."
"Well, got to go see UN." Cannon Fodder started to head out the door
and then hesitated. "You know. I was wondering if we could get the
gang back together again. You, me, Cheesecake Eater Lad, and Parking
Karma Kid. Just have dinner sometime. Maybe this week?"
wReamHack shook his head. "Sorry. Going to be swamped this week. Need
to get this place back in working condition."
"Well, maybe next week?"
"Yeah. Maybe. Sure." wReamhack went back to work.
Cannon Fodder stepped into the Ultimate Ninja's office. Everything in
it was wrecked. Cannon Fodder saw the ninja standing in the middle of
The Ultimate Ninja with his back turned started to speak. "Tell me,
Cannon Fodder. Something seems different. But I can't tell. What is
it? Maybe it's the desk that's been turned to splinters. Maybe it's
the shelf full of valuable keepsakes, which is now down on the ground
full of shattered valuable keepsakes. Or maybe it's the 'Ultimate Ninja
wears his grandma's panties' graffiti on the wall. This place isn't
quite the way I left it." The Ultimate Ninja turned around and gave a
deadly stare to Cannon Fodder. "So. What happened while I was away?"
"Look. Maybe you'd like to hear the good news?"
"Okay. The good news. I'd love to hear it. What is the good news?"
"Well. Umm. Oh, yeah. Your garden. At least 40% of the plants in
your garden are still alive."
"And that is the good news?"
"Uh yeah. At least all I can think of right now."
"Okay. Let's hear the bad news."
Cannon Fodder gave a sigh. "Well, to be fair -- all of this damage is
mostly Dr. Stompers fault..."
The LNHHQ Meeting room...
A number of important high level LNH'rs sat at a table. All eyes
focused on the Ultimate Ninja who was standing up and speaking.
"So this is the situation. The LNHHQ is a mess. Parts of downtown
Net.ropolis are completely wrecked. Most of the supervillains that the
LNHHQ was holding have escaped. And Bart (who now apparently is
wielding the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet) is working for Dekay
and Diskolor who are going to return in 2008 to completely lay waste to
the entire Looniverse. Do I have that all straight?"
Kid Recap chimed in. "Mostly. You left out that Sarcastic Lad's demon
is still missing and that we've been conquered by the
Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire. But, yeah, that's
Contraption Man added, "And there is a time barrier preventing me from
going past the date of December 31, 2007."
J. Random Kiwi chirped, "Kiwi."
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head and resisted the urge to go on a mass
killing spree. "Okay. First thing we need to do is find out info on
Bart and this Dekay and Diskolor cult. What info do we have on Bart
since he quit his job here as a receptionist?"
"Not much," replied Kid Recap. "We know he sold his soul to Frank: Dark
Lord of the Seventies. And he tried to take over Net.ropolis, but was
stopped by Kid Kiwi's Kommandoes. And back in '97 he broke out of
prison with a group of supervillains. And that's the last we ever heard
"Deductive Logic Man. I want you find out who these supervillains were
that broke out with Bart. And I want you to find out what Bart's been
doing in the last 10 years."
Deductive Logic Man nodded. "Will do."
"Occultism Kid? I want you to find out what you can about how Bart
obtained the Ring of Retconn and Insanity Gauntlet assuming he in fact
actually has those objects. And Kid Kirby? I want you to find out
everything you can about Dekay and Diskolor. We need to know how Bart
found them and freed them. And assuming Bart hasn't yet freed them then
we need to stop him from doing that."
Occultism Kid and Kid Kirby nodded.
"Look if I may interrupt here," broke in Irony Man. "Where were you,
Ultimate Ninja? When all of this was happening? You were missing for
465 days! What were you doing that was so important that you couldn't
check back to see what was happening here!?"
"During the first 30 or so days I was fishing. As for the rest of the
days -- that cannot be revealed. Not yet. But it was very important,
Irony Man. And it needed to be done. I'm sorry, but that is all I can
"You cannot say?! Or are you too embarrassed to say?! What secret are
you hiding, Ultimate Ninja?!"
"Please. I cannot say anything more. That is the end of this
discussion. Move on to something else."
"Yes. We might as well. Let's move onto something else. What else can
we discuss? Oh yes. Let's talk about another election. I think it's
time the LNH had a new leader. Someone not quite so secretive."
"An election?" asked the Ultimate Ninja. "Are you sure this is the best
time for such a distracting spectacle?"
"The last election was in '95! If not now, when?" Irony Man shot back.
"These days I don't seem to agree with Irony Man about much of
anything," Catalyst Lass said. "But I think he's right. We need a
leader right now that the Legion can put its full trust into. And maybe
that leader is the Ultimate Ninja. And maybe it isn't."
"Are you people kidding?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad rising from his
seat. "He's the Ultimate Ninja! Right now we need the greatest warrior
ever to lead us in this fight! Of course he's the best choice! This
election will be a huge waste of time. Time that we should be using to
prepare for this battle!"
"Oh, no question that the Ultimate Ninja is a great warrior," responded
Irony Man. "If I ever needed an assassin to kill someone, he'd be the
first person I'd hire. But we need someone right now that has
diplomatic skills. We need someone who can work with the government and
the various alien empires. The Dvorakians have complete control over
the Qwerty sector of space. And they're not the easiest people to talk
to. But we'll have to talk to them because we can't afford to get into
a war with the Dvorakian Empire."
"And you're going to talk to them?" said Cheesecake Eater Lad shaking
his head in disbelief.
"No, but I know people who can deal with them."
"That's interesting, Irony Man," the Ultimate Ninja said interrupting
the discussion. "But you'll have to win the election first. Well, I
guess we might as well take a vote on this. Raise your hand if you
think we should have another election." Various hands rose up. "Well,
looks like a majority. Very well. I'll set up an election committee to
gather up nominations."
"Come in," said Occultism Kid in response to the knocking on his door.
"Hey, Kid Kirby. Good to see you. I've been beating my brains trying
to think up a spell that might beat Dekay and Diskolor. I thought maybe
I could cast a spell that duplicates the four color burst effect that
Four Color Kid let out when he died. What do you think?"
"It will not work. They are far too powerful now for even the death of
one hero to stop them. No. I am afraid it will take many deaths to
"Many deaths? Do you know something you're not telling us?"
"Yes. When Bart the Receptionist's time pills seized me and heaved me
to the future I discovered a coded message within the Looniversal
Answering Machine. A coded message left by the LNH that died."
"What was it?"
"I cannot reveal it all at this moment, but I can say that if we are
going to succeed in saving the LNH and the Looniverse you must find the
Book of Deus ex Machinas!"
"The Book of Deus ex Machinas? It's considered to be one of the most
powerful spell books ever written! But it's a legend! No one knows if
it even still exists!"
"For your sake and Looniverse's sake, you must find it. May the Writers
look down on you with favor. Now, I must go." And Kid Kirby exited
Occultism Kid's room.
Occultism Kid sighed to himself. He was going to have to get outside
help for this. Most of his magical books and items were stolen during
the whole Robot Duplicate/Supervillain War. He looked at the broken
stuff on his floor. God. This place was a mess.
Two detective glanced at the crime scene. They were in a trashed hotel
room and on the floor was a man with a katana in his back.
"You know who this is?" said the fat detective.
"Someone I should know?" asked the thin detective.
"Yeah, wReamicus Maximus."
"Names familiar. Someone important?"
"Yeah, kind of. He was this religious leader. Head of the Church of
the Dvandom. Won a Nobel Prize for Peace. Did a lot of TV appearances
on all kinds of shows. A regular on the MacLaughlin Man show -- was on
that reality show -- um -- Hasbeen Heaven. You ever watch that? Had
Mr. T, Tammy Fay Baker, that chick from the 'Facts of Life', and a bunch
of hasbeens all living together in this big old mansion. The person who
didn't end up committing suicide won like a million dollar prize. He
was on that show."
"Oh yeah! He was the crazy naked religious hot tub guy, right? I
remember him! Damn. Well. This is kind of sad."
"Yeah. It's a shame all right. Murder weapon appears to be a Ginsu
Katana. Hmm. Appears to be inscribed. 'Property of the Ultimate
Ninja'. Hmm. There could be clue in that."
"You might be right. Don't suppose that could also be related?" The
thin detective pointed to a blood splattered text on the wall that said
'I Am The Ultimate Ninja!!! Be Afraid!!!!'
"I think you're on to something. Maybe we should bring this Mr.
'Ultimate Ninja' in for little questioning."
"Yeah. Maybe so. So who did win that million dollar prize?"
Lost Cause Boy Memorial Hospital...
As Cannon Fodder made his way to one of the elevators he stumbled into
"Hey, Ori! I heard Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad was moved here after
wReamHack retrieved him. How's he doing?"
"Yes, the LNHHQ is a disaster area so we had to move him here. He'll be
fine. The bullet didn't hit anything vital -- although he did lose a
lot of blood. He's very lucky. Probably would have died if it weren't
for your actions. Right now he's very drugged up -- although if you
want I can let you see him."
"No. That's fine. Let him rest. You look like you could use some rest
Organic Lass laughed. "Yeah, we could all use some. At least as events
go it wasn't a Flame Wars IV or something like that. It could be worse."
Cannon Fodder nodded. "Well, good seeing you. I've got to go back to
the LNHHQ and help around with stuff."
In a secret abandoned warehouse...
It was one of the biggest secret abandoned warehouses in all of
Net.ropolis. And right at the moment, it was filled to the brim with
all of the nastiest vilest villains that had ever fought against the
LNH. And all of their focus was on one particular person. The
mysterious black armored supervillain known as the Mynabird. And he
spoke to them in a booming voice.
"I freed you from their cages! And I led you in battle against the LNH!
And we won! Oh sure, they weren't actually the LNH -- they were just
robot duplicates that looked like the LNH and had the same powers as the
LNH. But. That's beside the point. They could have been the LNH! And
do you know why we won?"
"Umm -- because they were robot duplicates and not the LNH?" responded
one of villains in the crowd.
"No! Because of teamwork! Because we were all united for one purpose!
And because of my brilliant leadership of course -- although my own
modesty prevents me from pointing that out. But we did that with just
300 or so villains. Think of what we could do with a thousand villains.
And right now as I speak there are jails filled with our brothers and
sisters, each one crying out for salvation. And not just jails on our
planet, but jails on other worlds. We are going break into every single
prison and free them all. And then do you know what we are going to do
when all of these supervillains are free? When all of them are united
for one single purpose? Do you know!!?"
The crowd of villains shrugged their collective heads.
"We are going to march to the LNHHQ!! And crush everything that stands
in our way! And do you know what we're going to do when we get to the
LNHHQ? Do you know!!?"
More shrugs of heads.
"We are going to destroy Easily Discovered Man Lite once and for
all!!!!! Yes!!!! Destroy HIM!!!! Die, Easily Discovered Man Lite!!!
DIE!!!! Muhahhahahahahahahh!!!!!!!!!!" Mynabird pumped both of his
fists in the air.
Silence filled the room as the collective group of villains all had
blank stares on their collective faces. Crickets chirped in the background.
"And -- oh yeah -- Destroy the LNH too. Well that goes without saying
-- I mean really what kind of lunatic would create a vast supervillain
army just for the purpose of destroying one single superhero. Not me.
Nope. What I'm trying to say is -- umm -- Death to the LNH!! Yes,
Death to the LNH!!!"
And five villains started chanting with him. Then 20. Then 40. Then
100. And then the whole room started chanting, 'Death to the LNH!!'
over and over again.
And tiny little creature inside the Mynabird suit looked at this angry
mob of supervillains and smiled to itself.
Soon, Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Soon.
Irony Man looked at the screen in front of him. He was back in his
room. On the screen was a video image of President Hexadecimal Luthor.
"It's done, Hex. The election is go."
<<Good. Then that leaves us with the task of making sure the voters
'choose' the 'right' type of leader.>>
Irony Man shook his head and looked away from the screen. "I don't
know, Hex. I don't know if it matters anymore. Any of this. What
we're doing. Something bad is coming, Hex."
"Yes. Something that could destroy everything. Everyone. You. Me.
Everything. Dekay and Diskolor are returning."
<<Returning? Dekay and Diskolor? What are you talking about, Toony?>>
"Beige Noon. I'm sure the government has files on the whole thing. We
beat them once. But this time? I think the LNH is going to lose. I
don't know why I feel that, but I do. You should have seen the
devastation Hex. Everything dead."
<<I see. Well, I'll have my people look into it. Get some rest, Toony.
We'll talk tomorrow.>>
"Yeah. Sure." The video screen became blue. Irony Man shut it off.
And then he went over to his closet. He grabbed a rather dusty box off
the top of it and went over to his bed. He opened the box. There were
all kinds of things within the box. Awards. Trophies. Mementos from
better times. There was an old yellowish newspaper in a plastic bag.
Irony Man took the paper and unfolded it. It was very brittle. Irony
Man looked at the headline. It was in big letters. And it said,
The date on the paper was July 1st, 1992. It was the week Beige Noon
had happened. This newspaper contained an obituary for Irony Man and
Mainstream Man. He had died with millions of other people. He flipped
to the page that contained his obituary. It listed all of the things he
had achieved in life. It made him sound like a decent caring human
being. It made him sound like a hero.
Everyone should have died back then. The whole Looniverse. But they
didn't. No. Some guy by the name of the Four Color Kid on the Fourth
of July stopped the Bryttle Brothers. He died in a rainbow burst that
swept the entire Looniverse undoing all of the damage that the Bryttle
Brothers had caused. Bringing every dead body back to life.
Irony Man sighed to himself and put the paper on his bed. He dug
through the box and took out a picture. It was picture taken before
Beige Noon of all of the LNH'rs. Everyone was so young back then. Just
a bunch of stupid teenagers who thought they could solve all of the
world's problems. That they could make a difference. That they could
change the world. Stupid.
But they didn't change the world. The world changed them.
Irony Man looked through the faces.
Kid Yesterdaze. Retired.
Bibliography Boy. Retired.
Rebel Yell. Gone.
Four Color Kid. Dead.
Comic Snob Boy. Fallen. Dead.
And Irony Man looked at his younger self. Was he falling too? Was he
even a hero anymore? What would his next obituary say?
Irony Man put the picture and newspaper back into the dusty box.
What decays first? Irony Man thought to himself.
What decays first?
Fearless Leader rubbed his eyes. "Damn Paparazzi!" He watched as the
restaurant management hauled away the photographer from his table.
"Well, I guess we know what the lead is going to be for tomorrow's
Mid.Net.Star," Ripping Dancer said smiling to herself.
"Well, there could be worse headlines I suppose." The two heroes
laughed for a few seconds.
"You know -- You're going to have to get used to this. I mean if you
win the election that is. Become the LNH Leader."
"I don't know." Fearless Leader looked at his plate of food and cut off
another piece of steak. "I don't think I'm going to run. I think I'll
just support the Ultimate Ninja. I don't think I can run this team with
this crisis coming."
"Come on! You'd be a great leader! You should run. I'll be very
disappointed if you don't. You wouldn't want to disappoint me now,
would you?" Ripping Dancer took a sip from her wine glass and gave
Fearless Leader a devilish smile. "Would you?"
Fearless Leader smiled a little while wiping his face with a napkin.
"No. But I don't know. This crisis coming. It's just..."
"You think it's going to be bad?" A slightly worried expression took
over Ripping Dancer's face. "Are we going to be able to beat this?"
"Yeah, I'm sure we will. It's the LNH. We can handle anything."
Fearless Leader wanted to believe what he'd just said, but that wasn't
going to happen. Fearless Leader looked at his steak. The color seemed
wrong. The color of everything seemed wrong. He looked back at Ripping
Dancer. "Your dress. It's torn."
"Oh, that's my power. Hard to control. Are you all right?"
"It's the color. Everything's faded. It's -- Tara. Your face."
Fearless Leader saw what looked like a crack on Ripping Dancer's
forehead. "Tara, there's something wrong with your face!"
"No. Get away from me! Don't touch me!" Ripping Dancer got out of her
chair. Parts of her body started to crumble off. Flake away.
"Tara! Wait!" Fearless Leader looked in horror as Ripping Dancer's
hands and arms started to fall onto the ground. Bursting into dust as
they hit the ground. He quickly got over to where she was. He tried to
catch her from falling even as her legs crumbled beneath her, but as she
hit his arms her entire body fell apart. She had turned to dust. No.
This couldn't be happening.
Fearless Leader looked at the rest of the restaurant and noticed that
the same thing was happening to everyone else. Everyone was crumbling
into a pile of dust. The building itself was starting to crack.
What date was it? What was the date? Fearless Leader saw a yellowish
paper on the floor. Even as he grabbed it, the paper started to crack.
He looked at the date. April 29, 2008. No. It couldn't be. Not
this soon. He wasn't prepared.
Fearless Leader quickly rushed out of the restaurant hurdling over piles
of dust. This wasn't happening. No, it couldn't! He was supposed to
stop this from happening.
And as he reached the outside, he knew he was too late. The stars were
gone. The moon was gone. The sun was gone. The color beige ruled the
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. He was supposed to save this
world. Why was this happening?
And he saw two gigantic thrones. And the two monsters that sat on them.
And in between them was a gigantic beige clock. It wasn't midnight.
Almost. But not quite yet. He would kill them. He took two guns out
of his coat. Both guns started to rust as they hit the air. They would
die for this. And he would die too. He started to head towards them.
And then he heard a voice from behind him. "Hope."
"That will be the first thing that decays." Fearless Leader turned
around. It was some man. A man that looked like he had just stepped
out of some black and white movie. He wore an old style fedora and
trenchcoat. Everything about him was black and white. "You should
"What? Who the -- Who are you?"
"Names. Been a long time. Yeah, had a name once. God, so long ago."
The black white man took off his hat and paused as if trying to remember
it. "Back in the days, they called me -- They called me the 4-Color
Kid. When I was still alive." He put his hat back on. "Now, I must
go. Remember what I said. Good Luck."
"Wait! It's too late -- it's..." And then Fearless Leader heard the
sound of ringing. The ringing of bells. Fearless Leader turned around
and looked at the beige clock. He was too late. He was...
He was awake. He looked at his alarm clock. 3:00 AM. Damn dream.
He buried his head into his pillow. He shut his eyes.
But he couldn't go back to sleep as much as he tried.
Damn them to hell.
A man sits on a throne. Two warriors -- One that bears an uncanny
resemblance to Captain Continuity and another that looks quite a bit
like Kid Kirby stand next to this man and guard him from all harm.
A girl who looks quite a bit like Ripping Dancer dances for him. The
man on the throne ignores the girl and gazes at two small cubes, which
are in the palm of his hand. 1,003,999 years from now these small cubes
will be called LNH Dice. He tosses the dice to the ground and laughs.
This sure beats getting the Ultimate Ninja coffee, Bart thinks grinning
to himself. And the fun's only getting started.
Cannon Fodder, wReamHack, wReamicus Maximus, Deductive Logic Man and
Ultimate Ninja are wReam's
Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Cheesecake Eater Lad is M. Jotham Millheiser's
Contraption Man is Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Occultism Kid and Kid Recap are Josh Geurink's
Kid Kirby is Jameel al Khafiz's
Captain Cleanup is Maurice Beyke's
Catalyst Lass is Elisabeth Riba's
Organic Lass is Rebecca Drayer's
J. Random Kiwi is Jessica "Jaelle" Ihimaera-Smiler's
Dekay and Diskolor, and 4-Color Kid are Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt's...
Bart the Receptionist is Ken Schmidt's
Hexidecimal Luthor is Chris Hare's
Mynabird suit is Rob Rogers's
LNH Dice are Jamas Enright's
Planet Qwerty was either created by Mike Kelly or Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes
Yeah, I know. This is a month late.
Funny how the stuff I wrote on time is better than this blown deadline
But it's done. And now onto Beige Midnight.
As for wReamicus being dead. Well, he's been dead before. :)
Now maybe I can get back to writing 'Tales from the Gutterground'.
Arthur "Oh lord" Spitzer
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