LNH: LNH Comics Presents #501: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Episode 466 (5/5)

[EDMLite]

5:30 a.m., May 2, 2007

The In-Continuity Cafe
Secret Headquarters of the Church of the Fourth Wall

    Mynabird sat at one of the empty tables of the In-Continuity
Cafe with his arms folded over the back of his chair, opening and
closing his mighty metal fist.

    "I almost had him," he whispered.

    "As I was saying," Father Brown croaked.  "By dividing the
organization into a dozen or more subgroups, each with its own
agenda, we can force the Writers to pursue a hundred different
plotlines at the same time."

    "It's like the idea I had with all of the vehicles outside
Legion headquart... er, never mind," Londonbroil said, after
receiving a filthy look from Vector Prime.

    "The reason so many of those meddling Writers have chosen to
interfere in the Looniverse is that they see it as simple and
accessible," the leader of the Church of the Fourth Wall continued.
"One Legion.  One headquarters.  One overarching foe at any given
time.  Change that formula -- force the Writers to contend with
myriad plot developments, shifting subplots, and fluid continuity,
and nine-tenths of them will give up in frustration.  The rest will
take so long to post that it will scarcely matter."

    Mynabird said nothing, the yellow screen of his visor flashing
endlessly back and forth.  Vector Prime walked up behind him and
placed a hand on each of his shoulders.

    "And coordinating our efforts will be even easier, now that we
have this," Father Brown said, as two of his robed monks carried a
large flat-panel screen into the room.

    "What's that, then?" Londonbroil asked, as the panel lit up,
showing dozens of red dots on a map of Net.ropolis.

    "The Legion monitor board," Father Brown explained, his thin
grey lips curling upward with satisfaction.  "It shows exactly
where every member of the LNH is at all times.  We recovered this
from their headquarters prior to the battle."

    "Interesting," Vector Prime said, running one red-enameled nail
over the screen.  "One would think the Legion might have used a
device like this to discover where their members kept disappearing
to during their 'infinite leadership crisis.' "

    "And they might have," Father Brown said.  "However, the
monitor board can only be operated by someone able to access the
Ultimate Ninja's DNA."

    "How are you able to do that?" Vector Prime said, looking at
Father Brown with renewed respect.  "Even I cannot replicate the
DNA of a living entity."

    Father Brown smiled.  "Nor can I.  But the Legion's robot
duplicator machine could -- and while most of its creations were
destroyed by you and your companions, one duplicate, a failed
prototype, did not take part in the rebellion.  We found it
wandering through the headquarters hallways, searching for bamboo."

    Another monk led what appeared to be a giant panda dressed in a
ninja costume, looking placidly at the group of gathered villains.

    "Rrrr?" the Ultimate Panda said.

    "You're telling me that this... this panda thing... has part of
Ultimate Ninja's essence inside of it?" Londonbroil asked.  "Bloody
hell.  And here I thought me own family tree had some odd bits."

    But Mynabird paid no attention to the panda, the monks, or the
Church of the Fourth Wall.  Instead, he gazed at the map screen in
front of him, and at a little red moving dot labeled "EASILY-
DISCOVERED MAN LITE."

    "Soon," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said, cradling the
picture of Arachne within his arms.  "I promise you that, monster.
Your day of reckoning will come... if I have to destroy the
universe in order to do it!"

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    LEGION ROLL CALL:

    Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon H. Harmon

    Cannon Fodder, Self-Righteous Preacher, Sister State-the-
    Obvious, Special Bonding Boy, Ultimate Ninja and wReamHack
    .... wReam

    Captain Continuity.... Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes and Robert
    "Mystic Mongoose" Armstrong

    Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba

    Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser

    Coward Lad, Nudist Man and WikiBoy.... Tom Russell

    Cynical Lass, Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man
    Lite and Ultimate Panda.... Rob Rogers

    The Dismal-Hope Kid.... Tim Munn

    Doctor Stomper... T.M. Neeck

    Fearless Leader and Kid Pocky.... Dave Van Domelen

    Footnote Girl, Librarian Lady and Very Big Boy
    .... Saxon Brenton

    Frat Boy, Gamer Boy and Opinionated Lad.... upLink

    Gaffer and The Indie.... J.O.S.Hartung

    Girlwatcher.... Chris Gumprich

    Gothic Gorilla, A Guy In A Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas,
    Ripping Dancer and You're Not Hitting Me Hard Enough Lad
    .... Arthur Spitzer

    The Incredibly Stupid Man, Master Blaster and Ordinary Lady
    ....Martin Phipps

    Irony Man.... Doug Moran

    Jo Nysegi (Sarcastic Lad).... Gary St. Lawrence

    J. Random Kiwi and Writers Block Woman
    .... Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler

    Kid Kiwi's Kiwi Kommandoes.... Descrii

    Kid-Not-Appearing-In-Any-Beige-Midnight-Story.... Matt
    "Badger" Rossi, with enhancements by Saxon Brenton and Lalo
    Martins

    Minority Miss and Weirdness Magnet.... Lalo Martins

    Occultism Kid.... Josh Geurink

    Parking Karma Kid.... Steve Simmons

    PR Kid.... Jamas Enright


    SPECIAL GUEST VILLAINS:

    Alt.Imate Ninja, Barrage, Downyflake, Father Brown, Felonious
    Monk and the Church of the Fourth Wall, Londonbroil, Plummet
    and Vector Prime.... Rob Rogers

    Arthur E.L. Presence.... Steven Howard

    Carassion, Doctor Glockenspiel, the Twisted Lemming and Udder
    Doom II.... Saxon Brenton

    The Chuggernaut, Easily-Discovered Bran Mite/Mynabird, Make
    Money Fast Mo, Triple-X Girl and the Seven Deadly Sphammers,
    Ol' Scratch and The Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
    .... Arthur Spitzer

    Easily-Discouraged Man and Pointless Awards Man II
    .... Jamie Rosen

    McLaughlin Man, Mr. Homage and the Brotherhood of Evil
    Net.Villains.... wReam with Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes

    Pencil Rain.... H. Jameel al Khafiz

    Singing Monkey Pirates.... Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch

    The Solid Gold Dancers.... Matt "Badger" Rossi

    Thread Bear.... Timothy Toner

    Uma Thurman/Waffle Queen II.... herself, despite the author's
    best efforts

    Zombie Taft.... Tom Russell


    SPECIAL THANKS TO:

    Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton, editors

    Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch, for naming the "Net.ropolis Ninja"


    ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

    Cannon Fodder dialogue from LNH Comics Presents #500 written
    by Arthur Spitzer

    Biblical quotations from evilbible.com and thinkexist.com

    No kiwis, bears, apes, pandas or British prime ministers were
harmed in the making of this net.comic.


    "Evil comes at leisure like the disease; good comes in a hurry
    like the doctor."
        --G. K. Chesterson

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