LNH: LNH Comics Presents #501: Infinite Leadership Cry.Sig Episode 466 (5/5)
robrogers72 at gmail.com
Mon Jul 30 22:56:44 PDT 2007
5:30 a.m., May 2, 2007
The In-Continuity Cafe
Secret Headquarters of the Church of the Fourth Wall
Mynabird sat at one of the empty tables of the In-Continuity
Cafe with his arms folded over the back of his chair, opening and
closing his mighty metal fist.
"I almost had him," he whispered.
"As I was saying," Father Brown croaked. "By dividing the
organization into a dozen or more subgroups, each with its own
agenda, we can force the Writers to pursue a hundred different
plotlines at the same time."
"It's like the idea I had with all of the vehicles outside
Legion headquart... er, never mind," Londonbroil said, after
receiving a filthy look from Vector Prime.
"The reason so many of those meddling Writers have chosen to
interfere in the Looniverse is that they see it as simple and
accessible," the leader of the Church of the Fourth Wall continued.
"One Legion. One headquarters. One overarching foe at any given
time. Change that formula -- force the Writers to contend with
myriad plot developments, shifting subplots, and fluid continuity,
and nine-tenths of them will give up in frustration. The rest will
take so long to post that it will scarcely matter."
Mynabird said nothing, the yellow screen of his visor flashing
endlessly back and forth. Vector Prime walked up behind him and
placed a hand on each of his shoulders.
"And coordinating our efforts will be even easier, now that we
have this," Father Brown said, as two of his robed monks carried a
large flat-panel screen into the room.
"What's that, then?" Londonbroil asked, as the panel lit up,
showing dozens of red dots on a map of Net.ropolis.
"The Legion monitor board," Father Brown explained, his thin
grey lips curling upward with satisfaction. "It shows exactly
where every member of the LNH is at all times. We recovered this
from their headquarters prior to the battle."
"Interesting," Vector Prime said, running one red-enameled nail
over the screen. "One would think the Legion might have used a
device like this to discover where their members kept disappearing
to during their 'infinite leadership crisis.' "
"And they might have," Father Brown said. "However, the
monitor board can only be operated by someone able to access the
Ultimate Ninja's DNA."
"How are you able to do that?" Vector Prime said, looking at
Father Brown with renewed respect. "Even I cannot replicate the
DNA of a living entity."
Father Brown smiled. "Nor can I. But the Legion's robot
duplicator machine could -- and while most of its creations were
destroyed by you and your companions, one duplicate, a failed
prototype, did not take part in the rebellion. We found it
wandering through the headquarters hallways, searching for bamboo."
Another monk led what appeared to be a giant panda dressed in a
ninja costume, looking placidly at the group of gathered villains.
"Rrrr?" the Ultimate Panda said.
"You're telling me that this... this panda thing... has part of
Ultimate Ninja's essence inside of it?" Londonbroil asked. "Bloody
hell. And here I thought me own family tree had some odd bits."
But Mynabird paid no attention to the panda, the monks, or the
Church of the Fourth Wall. Instead, he gazed at the map screen in
front of him, and at a little red moving dot labeled "EASILY-
DISCOVERED MAN LITE."
"Soon," the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite said, cradling the
picture of Arachne within his arms. "I promise you that, monster.
Your day of reckoning will come... if I have to destroy the
universe in order to do it!"
LEGION ROLL CALL:
Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon H. Harmon
Cannon Fodder, Self-Righteous Preacher, Sister State-the-
Obvious, Special Bonding Boy, Ultimate Ninja and wReamHack
Captain Continuity.... Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes and Robert
"Mystic Mongoose" Armstrong
Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Coward Lad, Nudist Man and WikiBoy.... Tom Russell
Cynical Lass, Easily-Discovered Man, Easily-Discovered Man
Lite and Ultimate Panda.... Rob Rogers
The Dismal-Hope Kid.... Tim Munn
Doctor Stomper... T.M. Neeck
Fearless Leader and Kid Pocky.... Dave Van Domelen
Footnote Girl, Librarian Lady and Very Big Boy
.... Saxon Brenton
Frat Boy, Gamer Boy and Opinionated Lad.... upLink
Gaffer and The Indie.... J.O.S.Hartung
Girlwatcher.... Chris Gumprich
Gothic Gorilla, A Guy In A Trenchcoat Fighting Ninjas,
Ripping Dancer and You're Not Hitting Me Hard Enough Lad
.... Arthur Spitzer
The Incredibly Stupid Man, Master Blaster and Ordinary Lady
Irony Man.... Doug Moran
Jo Nysegi (Sarcastic Lad).... Gary St. Lawrence
J. Random Kiwi and Writers Block Woman
.... Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Kid Kiwi's Kiwi Kommandoes.... Descrii
"Badger" Rossi, with enhancements by Saxon Brenton and Lalo
Minority Miss and Weirdness Magnet.... Lalo Martins
Occultism Kid.... Josh Geurink
Parking Karma Kid.... Steve Simmons
PR Kid.... Jamas Enright
SPECIAL GUEST VILLAINS:
Alt.Imate Ninja, Barrage, Downyflake, Father Brown, Felonious
Monk and the Church of the Fourth Wall, Londonbroil, Plummet
and Vector Prime.... Rob Rogers
Arthur E.L. Presence.... Steven Howard
Carassion, Doctor Glockenspiel, the Twisted Lemming and Udder
Doom II.... Saxon Brenton
The Chuggernaut, Easily-Discovered Bran Mite/Mynabird, Make
Money Fast Mo, Triple-X Girl and the Seven Deadly Sphammers,
Ol' Scratch and The Robot With Lawrence Welk's Brain
.... Arthur Spitzer
Easily-Discouraged Man and Pointless Awards Man II
.... Jamie Rosen
McLaughlin Man, Mr. Homage and the Brotherhood of Evil
Net.Villains.... wReam with Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes
Pencil Rain.... H. Jameel al Khafiz
Singing Monkey Pirates.... Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch
The Solid Gold Dancers.... Matt "Badger" Rossi
Thread Bear.... Timothy Toner
Uma Thurman/Waffle Queen II.... herself, despite the author's
Zombie Taft.... Tom Russell
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton, editors
Mitchell "Tarq" Crouch, for naming the "Net.ropolis Ninja"
Cannon Fodder dialogue from LNH Comics Presents #500 written
by Arthur Spitzer
Biblical quotations from evilbible.com and thinkexist.com
No kiwis, bears, apes, pandas or British prime ministers were
harmed in the making of this net.comic.
"Evil comes at leisure like the disease; good comes in a hurry
like the doctor."
--G. K. Chesterson
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