LNH: Weird Comics #2
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Wed Jul 11 09:14:40 PDT 2007
Weirdness Magnet was walking uneasily around the halls of the
LNHQ. It seemed that was going to be his life now; after
learning about the upcoming disaster with the Bryttle Brothers,
he could hardly turn his back with a clean conscience. But
getting back was almost worse. He had lost more than an year --
well, at least counting in days. Or weeks; 58.5 weeks. He came
back to find the New Misfits wanted by the law, after the
disaster of STUFF.org; a new law passed by Hex Luthor, the
Net.ahuman Responsibility Act, requiring all Net.ahumans to be
registered and supervised by the LNH, with STUFF.org used as the
justification for the act; oh, speaking of government, Hex had
also managed to repel the 22nd amendment[*], which means he was
probably planning to run for yet another re-election, as if
having an extra 400+ days on his term wasn't enough.
[* Check the Haiku Gorilla series for details on that, and to
see if it will hold or our favorite poetic simian will manage to
defeat this nefarious plan! -- Footnote Girl -- the real one,
not the robot, we swear]
But worse, it seemed there was an alt.timeline version of
himself roaming around; that that version was the one who
actually was a member of the LNH for a few years, and to top it
off, that that version had now somehow turned into a villain.
Oh well. It's going to be a long year.
Who Cares Studios eventually presents...
I Don't Wanna Be A Soldier Momma
(a Beige Countdown tie-in)
by Lalo Martins
Fernando Martins Weirdness Magnet (II) mine
Apoena Goulao Minority Miss mine
Green Delaware Tree-Hugging Kid mine
(unknown name) Cannon Fodder wReam's (special
thanks to Dvandom)
And featuring Saxon Brenton's Footnote Girl
He sighed, and sank into a seat in the cafeteria. Nearby, an
oozelfinch who was trying to learn to read finally gave up,
throwing away his book in anger. The book hit the nearest
Mr. Paprika machine, which shot a bottle out at random.
Weirdness Magnet caught it in mid-air and put it down in front
of him (yeah, he knows better than to open it immediately, it
*was* a carbonated drink that was just free-flying through air,
Someone took the seat in front of him. He looked up to see a
brownish-skinned girl in a green and yellow suit.
"'Tardes", he said. [*]
[* Which is one of many abbreviated ways to say "good afternoon"
in Brazil -- Footnote Girl]
"Hey there", said Minority Miss, with a smile. "And
"Whatever for?", he asked, carefully opening his Mr. Paprika.
"What, haven't you heard? You were nominated for the election.
You're running for LNH leader."
He blinked wildly, while his hands clumsily completed the
movement, letting the drink bubble up and spill all over.
"Dear Prudence. By whom?"
"I have no idea. Not me. But I'm voting for you anyway."
"Even though I'm not the 'Andy' you know?"
"In fact, I barely knew him. He was pretty brave against the
Meta-gods from the 13th dimension, is all I remember. You, on
the other hand, are the one who rescued me, and I do trust you.
Which is saying something, I hardly ever trust anyone."
"Precious. Am I even a member? I'm not sure anymore."
"It seems you are, yes", said Footnote Girl, passing by.
"Ultimate Ninja dug up an obscure clause about alt.versions and
members who become villains. It's a variation of the rule by
which the LOH [Legion of Occult Heroes] were members, even
though they never joined on this reality. It seems the papers
the 'other you' signed in 2000 do apply to you, as long as you
take some kind of action to acknowledge it."
"And did I do that?", he asked, sheepishly.
"When you accepted leadership, in April 56th."
"Precious." And as the little girl started walking away, he
added: "Thanks for the info!"
"Just doing my job", she said from the distance, waving.
"Such a lovely girl", said Apoena. "Our writer loves to use
her, it's one of his favorite LNH running jokes."
"What, wait. You *do* have fourth-wall-awareness, right?"[*]
[* As seen in Minority Miss #1 -- FG]
"Why, yes. More than 3 people in this world do, so I do too.
It's not as complete as, say, Fourth Wall Lass, since what I
have is the subset of her powers that other people also have--"
"Perfect! So you can tell me everything about 'Andy', and what
exactly happened in STUFF.org!"
"Sorry, no. In fact, what I know from the news is more than
what I get from the Fourth Wall."
"Our author is writing about Infinite April in a mega-series
that's being posted after the Infinite April event is over; it's
a spoof of something done by mainstream comics in his world, I
gather. Although he has already revealed 'Andy', and he put
references to STUFF.org in his Leadership Crisis issues, the
stories that tell what actually happen weren't posted yet. I
suspect some authors know, but it hasn't been posted."
"Frak. No help from that direction either... and worse, I guess
if I go investigate, whatever I discover won't actually get
posted either, to avoid spoiling the maxi-series."
"Sounds likely. All we can do is ominous references to
STUFF.org, and I don't know if you notice, we keep referring to
the guy as 'Andy', even though we already know his chosen
"Yeah. That sucks. Such a cool name too."
"Of course you would think that", she said, making an anime-ish
'eew' face. "The guy is a variation of you. I think it's
"Meh. Better than 'Mr. Bipolar', though."
"That, it certainly is."
Just then, Cannon Fodder entered the room, walking straight to
the cheesecake counter. That was the Cannon Fodder who was
leader of the LNH for a rather memorable day, and not quite the
same LNHer that most remembered. Stronger, more confident, with
a somewhat smarter look about him, while also wearier. Oh, and
let's not forget, much better armed. Although old habits die
hard, many people were already taking him more seriously, or at
least slightly afraid of him. Specially those who hadn't been
around most of April to see the change happen gradually.
"Hey Fodder", said Green, who at that moment was at the
cheesecake counter himself.
"Hi kid", he waved back.
"You want a Curry Fish cheesecake, right?"
"Extra spicy", he answered, with a smile.
Before he could finish getting to the counter, Green was walking
to him, carrying two cheesecakes on a tray. He turned back, in
the direction of the drinks area.
"Thanks, kid. I'll get the drinks. Lemon juice for you?"
"That's right." Green looked around for empty seats, and found
one near someone he actually wanted to talk to.
"And how are *you* doing, sir?", he asked, seating beside
Weirdness Magnet. He also greeted Minority Miss with a smile.
"On the edge of panic, thank you. And you?"
Green laughed. "I thought you were unfazable."
"Oh, by all means. Greater-than-life monsters coming to destroy
the Looniverse? No problem. Alt.version of myself turned
villain? Sure. It's the whole registration thing that ticks me
off. And your friends being made into monsters by the media and
the dot-gov. And worse of all, running for leadership."
"So you are running", said Fodder, taking the last seat, beside
Minority Miss. "I heard a rumor."
"You wouldn't have heard who nominated me, so I can strangle him?"
"Sorry, no. But feel free to strangle me instead if that will
make you feel better."
"I thought you nominated yourself", said Green, chewing on his
Seaweed Wonders cheesecake. "Or I heard something like that
from the receptionists."
"Ugh. Way things are going, I wouldn't be too surprised if P--
I mean, 'Andy', came around just to nominate me."
Minority Miss laughed softly. (Because she absolutely refuses
to ever giggle, as a matter of principle.)
"So", asked Fodder. "What are you up to, until the election?"
"I'm not sure. I thought, investigating 'Andy', and/or the
truth behind STUFF.org. Capturing Mother Time would seem to be
a good start. But there are some... fourth-wall complications,
it seems. So I'm not sure anymore."
"I'll say. I've been approached by Fourth Wall Lass on the
hall, and told not to talk too much about everything that
happened to me in April, for some reason."
"I say we go and investigate anyway", said Minority Miss. "We
can investigate off-panel. Other authors can make reference to
it, and it will be a good excuse for Fodder not to be around the
HQ all the time. And I guess this comic won't be posted too
often, if the writer is busy with 58.5. So maybe by the time
things are revealed, we can already show up and re-reveal the
consequences... or something like that."
"Why not", said Green. "I have nothing better to do, and I'd
love to do *something* for my friends."
"I'm in too", said Fodder. "Beige Midnight is of course my main
priority, but it seems there's not much I can do about it yet.
And I have a vague feeling something in this quest may actually
be of help, too."
"Great", said Weirdness Magnet. "Seems I got myself a team."
Author's note: however, none of these characters is actually
reserved. Feel free to use them in this time period, on the
assumption that these investigations don't occupy them 24/7.
The actual statuses are, as shown on my page:
Weirdness Magnet: free for cameos, ask for extended use; don't
change (with the caveat that, in the unlikely event he gets
elected, he automatically reverts to "free to use, don't change")
Tree-Hugging Kid: free to use
Minority Miss: free to use (but there's no "how to write" yet,
The Someone-Gag-Me-Now Reel
"I really don't mind eating cheesecake every day", Weirdness
Magnet was saying to Cheesecake-Eater Lad, leaning against a
wall in the corridor. "I seriously like the stuff."
"AHAM", makes the director.
"What, are we filming?"
"Why, YES! See the red light here?"
Oozelfinch is distracted with his book. Weirdness Magnet is
walking into the cafeteria, distracted with his thoughts. He
trips on the bird and falls flat on his face. Bird looks at him
Machine ejects bottle too strongly.
"Whoa, look out", exclaims Weirdness Magnet.
Everybody scuttles out of the way. The bottle embeds itself on
the wall, on the opposite side. But it doesn't break.
"Wow", says Squeaky Clean, poking it with a finger. "Now that's
a man's pop!"
"Congratulations", says Minority Miss, sitting by a table.
"Thanks, but what for?", asks Onion Lad.
She looks at him carefully, comes closer, then wrinkles her
nose. "Oops, sorry. Forgot my contacts."
"You're running for LNH leader."
Weirdness Magnet opens his drink a bit too fast. It spills all
over his lap.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA", explodes Apoena, leaning over to look.
"Now THAT'S a man's..."
"Shut up", he cuts. "This is not Acraphobe."
Green takes the Curry Fish cheesecake, and hurries out of the
cheesecake counter. Oops, you should look where you going.
Trips on oozelfinch, sends cheesecakes flying to land on
Ultimate Ninja's face, lands himself on a table, that spins
over, and smashes Cannon Fodder to death.
"Hmm, nice curry", says the Ninja. "I'll have one."
Green laughs. "I thought you were unfeasible."
"I thought you were unfashionable."
"I thought you were on phasers."
But feel free to strangle me instead if that will make you feel
"CUT", shouts the director.
"What did I do wrong?", asks Fodder.
"Not you. Bonnie! What are you doing in this set? You're not
on this scene, you're supposed to be on the run in this time
"Jeez", says Bandwagon Chick. "I just want a cheesecake."
"Man, people are so uptight these days. Let them be leader for
one day, see what happens!" -- mumble, grumble...
"But there are some... fourth-wall complications, it seems. So
I'm not sure anymore."
After a few seconds, everybody looks at Cannon Fodder. He's
standing very still, sweating, pain in his face.
"You should say, 'I'll say', now", whispers Minority Miss.
"I don't think he forgot his line", says Green, standing up and
walking to him. "There's something wrong with him."
"Poison", he groans, pointing at the fish.
Apoena leans over and sniffs the cheesecake. "Baiacu?" [*]
"Definitely", says Green, after looking closely.
[* Blowfish -- FG]
"I thought it was only rarely poisonous."
"Cannon Fodder luck, I guess. Or maybe he's allergic."
"Damn", exclaimed Weirdness Magnet. "And we had such a good take!"
As Cannon Fodder agonizes on the floor, people are already
moving things around to start the scene all over again.
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