Tarq mitchell_crouch at caladrius.com.au
Fri Jan 26 16:44:55 PST 2007

Hundreds of thousands of millions of years ago, there was a monkey. A
monkey made of solid stone. Actually, he was made of primal chaos. But
he was born of stone. And so awesome was this monkey that he jumped
through a waterfall into a cave.

"Gosh darn!" exclaimed the other monkeys who, naturally, were also
monkeys. "That's awesome, awesome-monkey-made-op-frimac-laos!"

The awesome monkey made of primal chaos could only wince. "That's
'primal chaos', guys. I'm the awesome monkey made of primal chaos."

And the monkeys did say "Oh!" until a different monkey did pipe up
with, "No, no, I'm sorry, I don't think I can say that. Could you run
it by me again?"

And the monkeys were sore ashamed to admit to agree with him.

But so awesome was the awesome monkey made of primal chaos that he
didn't mind. "Yeah, okay. That's cool, I s'pose."

And so the monkeys called him Mei Houwang, the Handsome Monkey-King.

But then a female monkey piped up with, "No way! I've seen more
handsome Chihuahuas!" and the other monkeys observed his handsomeness,
and said, "Yeah, yeah, it does leave something to be desired, a bit
under average, really, yeah."

Houwang was truly so peeved, that he set out to become immortal. And so
he went to find some other cool immortal kid who would let him join the

So the Below-Average Monkey King travelled far and wide, until he found
some cool guys who showed him how to be immortal, how to shape shift,
or shift shape, as they called it in those days, but he wasn't very
good at that anyway, and how to run across the clouds. And Mei Houwang
liked that!

"Ha ha, guys, guys, look at me! Ha ha, I'm on a cloud, yaaay!" he would
often remark as he ran around the clouds. The other immortals would
then roll their eyes and mutter obscenities about him, and it wasn't
hard to come up with something, either, as his most handsome attribute
was still smaller than most.

Thousands of years passed, and the monkeys changed. The immortals
changed. But Mei Houwang did not.

"Yo, guys," Houwang one day said to the other immortals. "What gives?
How come you've gone all pink and bald and lost your tails?" He then
glanced down at the other monkeys. "And what's up with them?! Ugh,
hygiene, guys?!"

But by then the other immortals were well and truly peeved at Houwang,
and so they said, "Listen, buddy, you know how you always sucked at
shift shaping?"

"Well... 'suck' is a harsh, harsh, word..."

"Yeah, well, we all got sick of having fur and tails. So we ditched
them. But you're just annoying, so..." And so the other immortals
trapped Mei Houwang forever in the form of a monkey.

"That sucks!" shrieked an outraged Mei Houwang. "I don't wanna be a
monkey forever!" and so he ran to the other monkeys, and told them what
the immortals had done.

Some of the other monkeys said, "Yeah, that's cool," and went off to
join the immortals. Others, however, were annoyed that the immortals
thought anything could be better than a monkey, so they stayed where
they were.

When the immortals saw the monkeys coming, one did nudge another,
saying, "Here comes trouble, Harold," for Harold was indeed the name of
the immortal was being nudged by Ned, the immortal who was doing the

And the monkeys did say to the immortals, "Hey guys. Can we look like

"Sure thing, monkeys."

And so the monkeys did become men. But the immortals were still annoyed
that the other monkeys had become so unruly due to Mei Houwang, and so
said to them, "Okay guys, now you're ticking us off, too, so now and
forever onwards, monkeys shall forever be below humans, and shall
forever be the cause of eternal amusement!"

And the monkeys did become funny.

And Mei Houwang looked over his gaggle of playing monkeys and said,
"Yikes. Well, I s'pose I screwed them up, then."

~ * ~ * ~

    /   |   \  _\
   / |\ | /| ||__\
  /     |  _/  ___\
 /  __  V |   |____\


A sequel of an APE MONTH story, which is still an APE MONTH story, for
APE MONTH, written during APE MONTH, in celebration of APE MONTH

~ * ~ * ~

Anthropomorphic Ape shook his head. "No, no, I'm sorry, but you've got
that completely wrong. Mei Houwang is a traditional Chinese myth about

"No no no," argued Doctor Disagree. "Really. That's how it happened.
And that is why you shall forever be kept here, forced to amusing
things against your will! Bwah hah hah hah!!"

The ape raised an eyebrow. "Dude. Seriously. That evil laugh sucked."

"I disagree!"

"Oh, gosh. Don't start this again."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"No I'm not! I disagree!"


"No, I -"

Anthropomorphic Ape, growing tired of the continually disagreeing
nature of the doctor, smashed his face in. And again. And again.

"I am sorry," explained A. Ape as he beat the life of Disagree, "I
didn't really want to do this. But you were annoying me, with all your
anti-simian views and everything."

He observed his fist, which was now completely drenched in the blood
from Dr. Disagree's face. "That's disgusting," he noted before looting
the bad doctors' corpse for keys, clothing, and candy.

Once he had packed himself up and left the white room, he began to
explore the underground base. "Now I just need to find that damn powder
monkey," he murmured to himself.

~ * ~

Coco the Powder Monkey put the pen down. Colonel Cologne, who had been
reading over his shoulder as he had written, nodded slowly. "I see. So
that's the secret of the Improbable Man Made out of Salami."

Coco the Powder Monkey nodded in agreement, before writing, 'y did not
u just catch him insted of hiring him 2 catch me?'.

Cologne frowned. "What? I didn't hire the Improbable Man to capture
you. My associate, Dr. Disagree -"

"Is dead." came a voice from the doorway. The two military marsupials
looked up to see Anthropomorphic Ape, once again dressed in a white lab
coat, pointing a BIG gun at Cologne's head. "Give me the powder monkey,
and no one gets hurt."

[I don't think you quite understand,] Coco the Powder Monkey explained
hurriedly to Anthropomorphic Ape. [This is Colonel Cologne, the one I
was telling you about!]

Anthro. Ape, not wanting to lose face, screamed at the Colonel, "You've
been doing _what_ to my little buddy?!"

Colonel Cologne looked from the ape to the monkey and back to the ape
but then to the monkey again, which he continued to look at for a bit
longer. "Margarita! What are you telling him?!"

Coco the Powder Monkey turned back to the Colonel and, forgetting that
he didn't speak Monkey, oohed, [I didn't tell him anything!]

"Enough is enough!" declared Anthropomorphic Ape. "I've had it with
these motherfucking humans in this motherfucking base! I'm openin' a
roof!" And with that, he pointed the BIG gun straight up, and fired.

When the dust had cleared, Coco the Powder Monkey and Cologne Colonel
-- sorry, Colonel Cologne -- could see a massive pile of roof where
Anthropomorphic Ape had been standing. An arm (or a leg, it's always
very hard to tell with apes) was protruding at an unsightly angle from
the pile, but the occasional twitch of the fingers (or toes) suggested
that he was still alive underneath it all.

The ex-pirate monkey gasoed and started digging madly through the pile
to get his friend out. However, following a click and the immobility of
his arm, Coco the Powder Monkey turned around to see Cologne
handcuffing him. Coco the Powder Monkey, I mean.

"I'm sorry, Margarita," the Colonel gravely intoned. "But you did just
participate in a plan to assassinate a high-ranking officer of the
Loonited States Military. The Improbable Man Made out of Salami is the
least of your worries now..."

~ * ~

Anthropomorphic Ape was in a lot of pain.

~ * ~

Coco the Powder Monkey the monkey sat behind military-grade bars,
blowing wistfully into his harmonica. So bad was he at the harmonica,
though, that he received a personal letter from rec.music.country
asking him to join them. So offended was he that his reply, 'no', was
signed not 'Coco the Powder Monkey', but 'Coco the Dowper Nomkey'. This
prompted rec.music.country to respond with, 'plz coco teh dowper
nomkey?' and not, realising that that was what he had signed his name
in previous correspondence, was so angry, so infuriated, that he was
able to smash through the wall of the military-grade prison, into a
small little military-grade boatshed where none other than the Monkey
Sea Monkey Do was being held.

He jumped on board, and began to motor away. Realising that he still
had to rescue Anthropomorphic Ape, he dialled 1800-PLOTDEVICE for
advice. Ha. That rhymes. Plot device and advice. See? 'Coz they both
have 'vice' at the end. I didn't even mean to do that, it just happens.
Don't you just love how that turns out sometimes? How you're just
writing something, and then you stop to assure one of your friends that
sure, they're not completely useless, then you switch back to the
obviously more important window, and you re-read what you just wrote so
you're still on the right note and bam! You just notice things.

See, look, I did it again. With 'wrote' and 'note'. I wonder how many
times I do that without even realising. It'd have to be fairly often,
you'd think.

Anyways, so Coco the Powder Monkey, got his device, speeding the Monkey
Sea Monkey Do off a conveniently-placed military-grade boat ramp and
through the wall of a military-grade courthouse, where Colonel Cologne
was giving evidence against Anthropomorphic Ape.

The jury and everyone else too, I suppose, gasoed and ran for cover as
the boat sped through the room, stopping a few metres in front of
Anthropomorphic Ape. Ape's eyes shone as he ran over to the yacht and
picked it clear above his head, and began to run with it back out the
way it had came.

[Run, Anthropomorphic Ape, run!] cried Coco the Powder Monkey.

And thus did Coco the Powder Monkey and Anthropomorphic Ape make their
daring dash from the deceased Dr. Disagree's diabolical... place.

~ * ~

*A few hours later...*

Anthropomorphic Ape and Coco the Powder Monkey slammed the door to the
unsuspecting apartment shut behind them. Here, they were fairly sure,
in this completely random and inconspicuous apartment, the authorities
would never find them.

They turned around to see a teenage boy starting at the duo wide-eyed.
"Holy crap!" he cried. "Monkehs!"

Coco the Powder Monkey snorted.

Anthropomorphic Ape glared at his little friend, and held out a
friendly leathered hand to the boy. "Greetings, fellow primate! My name
is Anthropomorphic Ape. This is my associate, Mr. Coco, the Powder

The teen shook the gorilla's hand, still totally blown away. "Marvin,"
he muttered. "My name is Marvin."

Coco the Powder Monkey snorted again.

"Stop snorting, Coke," Anthropomorphic Ape growled.

Marvin's face went blank. "Holy crap. How do you know about that? Oh,
god, don't tell my parents. Please, don't tell my parents...!"

This only prompted Coco the Powder Monkey to snort a third time.

Anthropomorphic Ape's face twisted with rage as he screamed, "I SAID

The boy continued to blabber on, something about his mum and how she'll
be "so pissed, so fucking pissed" at him, blah blah blah, as he emptied
small satchels of cocaine out of his pocket and onto the floor. Once he
was done, he ran out onto the balcony, smashing through the glass door,
and dived off.

Anthropomorphic Ape and Coco the Powder Monkey glanced at each other
distressedly, and then ran to the balcony. They looked down in unison,
just in time to see massive blue-and-yellow feathered wings sprout from
the boys back in time to say him from certain doom.

"I can fly!" he screamed. "Holy crap, I'm Marvin, the Kid Macaw! I have
wings! Oh my god, drugs weren't the answer, it was suicide, suicide all
along!! ...holy crap, mum's gunna be pissed, so fucking pissed..."

A. Ape and Coco the Powder Monkey watched in astonishment as Marvin the
Kid Macaw flew off into the sunset, never to be seen or heard of by
either of them again.

After a moment's silence, Coco the Powder Monkey spoke up. [That was
weird. Just plain weird. Not funny, not cool. Just... weird.]

His apey companion nodded. "Slightly random, too. And... offensive.
Vaguely offensive."

Suddenly, someone down on the street screamed, "Oh my gosh, monkehs!
Just there on that there balcony there! Monkehs!"

Within two seconds, government agents had kicked the door down and had
BIG guns pointed at the heads of both Anthropomorphic Ape and Coco the
Powder Monkey.

"You's got nowhere left to run, monkehs," spat one of the agents. "Put
yo' hands in the air, and nobody need be hurt, dawgs."

[Dog?] queried Coco the Powder Monkey. [I'm a monkey! I shall not be
taken like a dog, I shall not be shot like a dog! I shall die like a

And Coco the Powder Monkey dived off the balcony.

Anthropomorphic Ape cast a vaguely concerned look over the balcony then
turned back to the agents. "Eh well. Tragic end for the little fella,

And Anthropomorphic Ape dived off the balcony.

The agents looked at one another. "Bummer." "Eh well." "We still gets
paid, yeah?" "I wonder why they did that. Completely illogical." "Hmm."

Meanwhile, Anthropomorphic Ape and Coco the Powder Monkey soared
through the clouds on their magnificent sapphire-golden wings.

[I feel free!] cried Coco the Powder Monkey. [So free! More free than I
ever did on the HMAS Proposition, or the SS Pirate Ship, or even on the
Monkey Sea Monkey Do!]

"I know what you mean!" Anthropomorphic Ape called back. "The sensation
of wind in one's fur and private parts is amazing, just amazing!"

[That's maybe going a little too far!] Coco the Powder Monkey replied,
although he was enjoying himself too much to really care.

And together, hand-in-hand, monkey and ape, united as one, they ran
over the clouds of the world.

~ * ~

"Fucking Houwang!" Harold growled. "I knew getting him that fucking
parrot was a bad idea!"

Mei Houwang watched his pet macaw, Fluffy, intently, muttering to
himself, "Monkey see, monkey do, monkey see, monkey do, monkey see,
monkey do..."

"Let us put an end to this illogicality," Ned agreed.

~ * ~

Suddenly, their wings disappeared.

Anthropomorphic Ape blinked. "Mother f-"

And they fell.

A long, long way.


A very long way.


Down down down.


A long way.

A long way down.


For what seemed like forever.

They were just...


Falling down.

Through the sky.

Through the air.

Through the clouds.



In a generally downwards direction.

Although, sometimes, the wind would move them sidewards a little.

Not much.

But enough to make a difference from the height they were falling from.

It really was a very long way up, you know.

Which made it even further down.

Which was the way they were falling, in case you missed that bit.


Ow. Now that's gotta hurt.

Coco the Powder Monkey's eyes fluttered shut, and he fell deep into the
dream that wasn't a dream... the dream that was a memory... a memory of
a dream... a lost dream... a dream of a lost memory... a lost dream of
a lost memory about a lost dream... with pirates!

~ * ~

*Four years ago...*

There was a massive boom, and Coco the Powder Monkey, formerly known as
Margarita, jumped up and down in excitement as the opposing ship went
down. The superpirates didn't usually do mercenary work, but there was
a war going on between local singing gorilla pirate gangs, and they
needed to be on the good side of whomsoever won.

But, of course, war is full of surprises.

As the superpirates (and, by extension, Coco the Powder Monkey) were
celebrating, a lone figure dragged itself onto the deck of the SS
Pirate Ship. A lone figure who had sided with the opposing singing
gorilla pirate gangs just to get at Coco the Powder Monkey. Just to
destroy Margarita.

Margarita had ruined his life.

The superpirates were in a Congo line, dancing the night away, when
none other than the Improbable Man Made out of Salami stepped in front
of them.

Coco the Powder Monkey, having sat the Congo line out on the grounds
that he couldn't reach anyone else's shoulder (and he found
shoulder-riding to be degrading), saw the menace and at once loaded up
one of his cannons with an "Ooh ee, ooh ah ah!!" but unfortunately,
that's the bit of Witchdoctor they were up to, so none of the pirates
took any notice.

Sensing the evil resonating within the Improbable Man Made out of
Salami, Coco the Powder Monkey had no chance but to fire the cannon.

It seemed to happen in slow motion.


The ball went flying out of the cannon towards the Improbable Man. The
Improbable Man Made out of Salami turned around with a 'Huh?'
expression on his face. The ball was nary a few centimetres away when
he ducked at the last possible moment.

The cannon ball flew over the Improbable Man, straight into the gut of
the ship's chef. Those fast thinkers who realised what was happened
shrugged the chef off. He made terrible food anyway. But none on the
ship even realised what was happening.

The ball continued through the chef, into the lookout. The ball
continued through the lookout, into the cabin boy. The ball continued
through the cabin boy, into the first mate. The ball continued through
the first mate, into the navigator. And so on and so forth, down the
Congo line, right to the end... and through the Captain.

All of the superpirates were destroyed that day. And the Improbable Man
Made out of Salami was a little shaken up, too, let me tell you that

Coco the Powder Monkey looked on with horror at the corpses of his old
crew. He turned to the Improbable Man. [Why?] he beseeched. [Why would
you avoid your own death, just to kill dozens of decent superpirates?

And the Improbable Man did look upon Coco the Powder Monkey with his
steely, salamiful gaze, and replied, "Because you joined the
superpirates. By allying yourself with them, you betrayed my crew.
Because of you, they found us. Because of you, I am nothing!" The
Improbable Man grabbed Coco the Powder Monkey and held him up to the
mast by his furry collar. "I will destroy you, Margarita. I will not
kill you. Yet. But I will tear up your life. And if you ever get close
to anyone... they will pay the price. My name is Spynn. I am the
Improbable Man Made out of Salami. And that is my promise to you."

~ * ~

Coco the Powder Monkey's eyes fluttered open. There was Anthropomorphic
Ape, lying broken and battered on the ground next to him. Dead.

The disheartened monkey looked up, and there, standing above him, was
the Improbable Man himself. First-mate Spynn. Holding an improbable
giant baseball bat made out of salami.

"I hate to say I told you so," he rasped through his salami-y
appendages. He raised the salami to deal the final blow.

[No!] coughed Coco the Powder Monkey, a small amount of blood coming up
with the word. [Wait! I have to know... what the hell?]

"What do you mean?"

[You're a character of little to no significance. Sure, you pop up
everywhere and do antagonistic things, but you never actually _did_
anything. You're just... there. How is it you all of a sudden become

The Improbable Man Made out of Salami considers this before he kills
the little monkey. "Heck, I don't know. I don't really care, either.
Why don't you... sleep on it?!"

This villainously bad pun is the last thing that Coco the Powder Monkey
is aware of on this green Looniearth, before he flies up to join
Anthropomorphic Ape in that big cloud run in the sky...


And that's about it! I'm glad to have gotten Sea Monkeys off my chest.
I'd always planned to have it all in one issue, but I got sick of
writing it and really wanted to post it, so I split it up. Goody!

Also, the singing gorilla pirates are Saxon Brentons, I do believe. I
wanted to incorporate them somewhere, too, (two lots of monkey pirates?
They'd have to be aware of each other, right?) but that little mention
was all I ended up giving them. Eh well!

Feel that the ending was lax? Well, you'd be right! Stick around for


Colonel Cologne threw the file down on his desk distressedly, and gazed
sadly out the window. "The Improbable Man got to him. The Improbable
Man Made out of Salami got to Margarita before me. Now who will stop
his reign of terror?"

The Colonel's sole visitor held a fist up to his heart. "I shall, my
liege!" declared the heroic saviour. "I will avenge Margarita's death!
...and his apey friend's, too,  I suppose."

And with that, Marvin the Kid Macaw dived out the Colonel's window, and
flew away into the twilight...

"Kid's got spunk," thought Cologne. "Reminds me of a monkey I once


And now for the post-post-credits epilogue credits, which aren't so
much credits as just small notes.

1. Happy Australia Day, everyone! Everyone!! Even those of you who are
still in yesterday!

2. Rough February plans outline (feel free to prod me on these):
Feb 1st: Alt.stralian Yarns #6: Screwed
Feb 2nd-14th: First issue of POSSUM-MAN: RELINQUISHED, which will also
coincide with the release of the Possum-Man Platformer game. A whole
two minutes of fun, in a five minute download!
Feb 15th: Alt.stralian Yarns #7
Feb 16th-28th: Hopefully Possum-Man: Relinquished #2, but not sure.
I'll see what happens.
Mar 1st: Alt.stralian Yarns #8

I plan on getting at least two stories done a month, to be posted on
the 1st and 15th of each month. Most of the time these will be
Alt.stralian Yarns, closely followed by a Possum-Man not on the
1st/15th, but if I get busy I'll probably cut down on these.


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