APE: Sea Monkeys
mitchell_crouch at caladrius.com.au
Sat Jan 20 22:27:15 PST 2007
Dr. Anthropologist walked into the room, and several of the other
scientists looked up from various computer displays, data graphs, and
"It is as I had hypothesized. The test subject has become --
physically, at least -- anthropomorphic."
This was met with gasps and denials from around the room.
"Anthropomorphic?" "I don't understand!" "But he's an ape!" "It's just
not possible!" "Oh my god, an anthropomorphic ape, get in the car!"
"Who's driving?" "Anthropomorphic ape!" "How can this be?!"
A Chevy burst through wall, smashing delicate equipment and sending
paper and scientists everywhere. The various experts screamed and dived
for cover as the car twitched slightly, before revving and stalling.
Only one scientist was left in the room, hiding behind an overturned
pot plant, as the driver left the vehicle. The scientist gasped in
horror as the monstrous being picked up Dr. Anthropologist's corpse,
and studied it detachedly. "Oops," it murmured. "Eh well. No point
crying over spilt milk. Or blood. Or life, for that matter. Or even,"
he added, seeing the scattered papers Dr. Anthropologist had been
He picked up the papers and sorted through them, "Aah"ing and "Ooh"ing
as he went. Dressing himself in the dead doctor's clothes, he folded
the paper into his pocket and left the room, leaving the lone
scientist, Dr. Disagree, alone.
The shaken doctor emerged from his hiding place, and looked out the way
the figure had left. "I don't believe it," he gasped. "An
~ * ~ * ~
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/ __ V | |____\
An APE MONTH story, for APE MONTH, written during APE MONTH, in
celebration of APE MONTH
Written by MITCHELL CROUCH
~ * ~ * ~
*Six weeks later...*
Coco the Powder Monkey awoke suddenly from a vivid and disturbing
dream. He had dreamt that a cyclone had wiped out the majority of local
banana farms. It was horrible. He shuddered, and consoled himself with
the knowledge it wasn't as bad as the other dreams he had been having
lately. The dreams that weren't really dreams at all. The dreams that
were memories. Memories of dreams. Lost dreams. And dreams of lost
memories. Lost dreams of lost memories about lost dreams.
Coco the Powder Monkey sighed. He felt so lost...
He popped off the lid and climbed out of the bin that had recently
become his home. The cold winds of a frozen Net.ropolis winter lashed
out into his face. Cold like his soul. Windy like his last meal.
The chivalrous chimp coughed and climbed out of the bin, eager for a
breath of fresh air. He began to do his morning rounds of the back
alleys, looking for food, appropriate clothing, and any money he could
salvage. Tragic was the life of Coco the Powder Monkey.
A tingling in numerous hairs on the back of his neck caused him to turn
around. There, in front of him, was another homeless outcast like
himself -- they were not uncommon sights around this around of the
city. But in his hands, this particular poor soul held a newspaper. And
on the front page, sprawled in large black letters:
INCREASE IN AME.REC.AN TEENS SAYING "LOL" OUT LOUD Also known as
'lolol'. See page 3 for full details.
Coco the Power Monkey gasped, as, right above that in slightly smaller
large black letters, he read:
THE IMPROBABLE MAN MADE OUT OF SALAMI STRIKES AGAIN!
Although Coco the Powder Monkey could not, for all intents and
purposes, read, he still got the general gist of this. The furious
furball jumped up and down, screeching. The man reading the paper
lowered it in surprise, revealing that he was not, in fact, a man.
"Ooh, ooh argh argh! [Like, ohmigosh!]" screeched Coco the Powder
Monkey. "Ooh - [You're - ]"
"Yes," the not-man stated as he stood up. "I am Anthropomorphic Ape!"
"Ooh ooh, argh argh ooh! [You can understand me!]"
"Of course I can understand you," muttered Anthropomorphic Ape, rolling
his eyes. "I am an ape, am I not?"
[Yes, but I'm a monkey. You are an ape. Monkeys are not apes, but
primates, and apes are not monkeys, but primates. Chimpanzees are apes,
not monkeys, are in fact also primates.]
"Quiet," the punctual primate spat. He looked his small companion up
and down. "What's your name? And why are you dressed like a pirate?"
"Ooh Ooh argh Ooh ooh Argh [Coco the Powder Monkey]," replied Coco the
"Oh, very good, very good. May I call you Coco, or Coke, for short?"
"Um. Okay. So why are you dressed like a pirate?"
[It be a long story, yar...]
~ * ~
*3 years earlier...*
Aboard the HMAS Proposition, Colonel Cologne surveyed his newest
troops. Patriotic military music played gently in the background, and
next to Lieutenant Beentheredonethat was a monkey.
Cologne frowned, and faced Beentheredonethat with a steely glare.
"Lieutenant!" he barked.
"Sir yes sir!"
"Why in God's name is there a monkey on my ship?!"
"He's one of our new recruits, sir!"
The Colonel bawked. "What? Where's he from?"
"The Bahamas, sir."
Colonel Cologne looked the monkey up and down. It was obviously far too
short to carry a regular rifle, though some useful private had found a
fitting outfit for him. "Get him a musket," he drawled, before
squatting down to face his newest charge. "What's your name, son?"
The monkey was silent.
Lieutenant Beentheredonethat cleared his throat quietly. "He, uh,
doesn't have a name, sir. We just call him Margarita."
The men snickered quietly, and Cologne shut them up with another of his
glares. "Do not patronise the monkey," he growled. "He now has a
licence to kill."
Margarita screeched and jumped up and down, laminated card in his hand.
My God, though the Colonel shamefully as his men shuffled nervously
from foot to foot, That monkey is the most badass out of all them.
A few months later, the HMAS Proposition was away. Colonel Cologne had
to stay behind due to family issues, but the ship was left in the
capable hands of Captain Jim Burke and his First Mate, Spynn.
The Proposition was deep in enemy waters, and the recruits were told
night after night to make no noise. And so they didn't. Night, after
night, after night, the ship was perfectly silent. Except for First
One foggy night in particular, after heavy grog consumption, Spynn was
singing loudly at the top of his voice. Tasked with shutting the First
Mate up, Margarita went and sat next to the boisterous sailor.
"Ooh," said Margarita.
"Eh?" slurred Spynn. "Wassiziss, eh? Monkeh dudn't neven duh triggs,
eh? Eh?!" Margarita frowned and backed away as Spynn became
increasingly violent. "Fuggin' monkeh!" he howled. "Nuff is nuff! I's
had it wif this muvvafuggin' monkeh on this muvvafuggin' boat!"
With that, he grabbed a nearby rifle and shot drunkenly at the monkey.
Margarita screeched and ran for cover, terrified out of his wits. The
other crew members followed suite.
And then there was silence as the same thought drifted through each
sailor's head: What if someone had heard the shot?
The silence was broken the steady creaking of wood at sea. "What's
that?" a nearby recruit asked, fear in his voice. "What do we have
that's wooden? Our boat's all metal, innit?"
Margarita gulped, and bravely slipped his head around the corner. Spynn
was on the deck, a smoking black stump where his neck once was. "Uh
ooh..." whined the monkey. For standing above Spynn's body was someone
who was very obviously a pirate captain.
"Yar, 'uh oh' be right," the pirate said.
Another recruit stepped out: "Oi, who's this, then?"
The pirate captain flipped his eye patch up, and a gosh darn laser shot
out of his eye, knocking a smoking hole into the recruit. The body
slumped to the deck, just as you would expect it to.
Suddenly, the fog cleared, and the grand pirate ship next to the
Proposition was revealed.
Panic erupted on board the Proposition, with soldiers running for their
guns as pirates made their way from one ship to the next. Running,
jumping, swinging on ropes... and flying.
"Ohmigosh!" cried another nameless recruit. "They're superpirates!"
A nearby pirate's arm melted away into a cutlass, and he punched the
recruit in the face. The recruit didn't get up. Neither did his face.
And so the massacre continued; I could go into more detail about it,
sure, but I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say that this backstory
is getting quite long enough. For a backstory, anyway. Let's just say
that the superpirates took no prisoners.
No prisoners, except one.
"Ooh, ooh, argh! Argh argh!" screeched Margarita desperately at the
pirate captain. "Ooh argh!"
The captain considered this, and then nodded. "Yar, ye be makin' a good
point, monkey -- monkeys from the Bahamas do be makin' mighty fine pets
for pirates such as meself, yar."
"Ooh ooh, argh argh ooh?"
"Of course I can understand ye. I'm a primate too, am I not?"
Margarita frowned, but shrugged his confusion off. The captain's logic
And thus did Margarita join the unruly band of superpirates, and they
did rename him Coco the Powder Monkey, in equal parts because it gave
Coco the Powder Monkey a lot more dignity, and because Coco the Powder
Monkey was the ship's new powder monkey.
"Ye see," the captain had explained to his crew, "we be callin' him
Coco the Powder Monkey 'coz he's our new powder monkey, see? Methinks
that raids shall be goin' much better once we implement cannons, yar."
And the pirates did yar in agreement, although one did ask, "May we
just call him Coco? Or perhaps Coke?"
And the captain did reply hurriedly, "No, shut up, that be a stupid
idea. His name be Coco the Powder Monkey." And after a moment's
thought, added, "Yar."
~ * ~
Anthropomorphic Ape yawned. Enough time had passed during Coco the
Powder Monkey's backstory for them to have become middle-class citizens
who lived on a very nice yacht, called the _Monkey Sea Monkey Do_.
"Cool. That's one Hell of a backstory you got there, kid. Too bad I
don't care enough to hear any more of it."
[Thanks, Ape.] There was a silence for a mo. [So, hows about that
Improbable Man Made out of Salami, huh?]
"Yeah," agreed Anthropomorphic Ape. "Pretty antagonistic of him, to
burn down all those orphanages, huh?"
A siren split the midday silence, and the two primates turned around to
witness a government speedboat racing towards them. At the front of the
boat was a familiar figure. Familiar to Anthropomorphic Ape, at any
"Dr. Disagree!" he gasped. "Quickly, my little furry friend, turn to
starboard!" The ape grabbed the wheel and flung it to the left.
[No no no,] sighed Coco the Powder Monkey, grabbing the wheel, [left is
port. Right is starboard. We want to go to the right, right?]
"Wrong!" shrieked Anthropomorphic Ape, yanking the wheel back the other
way. "I don't care about port and starboard and stern or whatever, I
just want to go to the left!"
[What? See, now you're making no sense at all. The stern isn't really a
direction, like port and starboard, but the back of the boat. Do you
"Coco, just shut up!"
Coco the Powder Monkey then proceeded to clock Anthropomorphic Ape in
the face. He slowed the boat as the ape got back up. "What the Hell was
[My name is Coco the Powder Monkey.]
Ape rolled his eyes, and made a grab for the wheel again. "No, your
name is Coco. Your title is powder monkey. Or used to be, when you were
with those stupid pirates. Now you're just Coco, okay? Just plain
Coco the Powder Monkey's eyes filled with tears, and he ran out to the
"Coco...!" Anthropomorphic Ape looked from his friend to the direction
in which the boat was speeding. He could deal with Coco later, but for
now, he needed to get away from Disagree and his henchmen. He couldn't
bear to be back in a lab, having people experiment on him day in, day
out... especially after he accidentally killed Dr. Anthropologist, the
only nice one there.
There was a loud splash, and when A. Ape turned around, Coco the Powder
Monkey was nowhere to be seen. "Holy crap! Coco!"
All rational thought of escape lost from his mind, he sprinted up to
the back of the boat and dived after his little buddy, leaving the
_Monkey Sea Monkey Do_ to speed off into the distance.
Anthropomorphic Ape hit the water with an almighty splash, and drifted
down a few metres before regaining his senses. He opened his eyes, and
thought he saw Coco the Powder Monkey's small form disappearing into
the murky water ahead. He shed Dr. Anthropologist's heavy white coat,
and struggled back up to the surface to bravely doggy-paddle after his
friend. He'd barely gotten five metres, however, when Dr. Disagree
pulled up beside him.
"So!" the wily scientist exclaimed. "We meet again, Anthropomorphic
"Um," replied the ape. "Actually, I was just about to go save my little
furry buddy, Coco the Powder Monkey, and -- "
"Ah, but I disagree!" Disagree spat. "For your new 'friend' is actually
a wanted criminal! Did you know that, hmm?"
Anthropomorphic Ape paused. "I might've, if I'd bothered to listen to
the rest of his back story. But it was _awfully_ long and painful, you
must understand. I really wish I hadn't asked at all."
"What? You can't disagree with my opinions! They're my opinions!
They're whatever I say they are!"
Anthropomorphic Ape frowned. Dr. Disagree had always been a weird one,
sure, but he seemed uncharacteristically insane now. Deciding to puzzle
over that particular nutcase later, A. Ape smashed him in the face and
ran to the other side of the boat, diving off to continue his wild
doggy paddle after Coco the Powder Monkey.
When Disagree came to, the two primates were long gone. He moaned and
rubbed his face, and made his way to the cabin where none other than
Colonel Cologne awaited him. Cologne raised an eyebrow. "Yo."
Disagree growled, and glared at his partner. "Why didn't you chase
after them while I was out?"
"You," whispered Cologne, meeting Disagree eye-to-eye, "will not talk
to your commanding officer like that. Am I clear?"
"I disagree! You're not in the navy or whatever anymore, you damn
nitwit. If you want your damn monkey, you help me get my damn ape. And
your damn monkey is with my damn ape, so if you don't get off your damn
ass and do something to help me get my damn ape, you don't get no damn
monkey! Now, am _I_ damn clear?"
There was a panel of silence, before Disagree marched back to the bow.
Heh. Back to the bow. See, it's funny 'coz the bow is at the front of
the boat. And it's like, back to the front. Which is like
back-to-front. Which it sort of is. Phonetically, I mean. Anyway. Scene
~ * ~
Coco the Powder Monkey and Anthropomorphic Ape sat alone in their back
alley, quietly complentating -- contemplating -- the day.
[So who the Hell was the whacko in the boat, anyway?] Coco the Powder
Anthropomorphic Ape then shared his backstory with Coco the Powder
Monkey, sparing him any lengthy blocks of text by the implementation of
an ambiguous introduction.
[Ingenius,] murmured Coco the Powder Monkey as he examined the
introduction. [Why didn't _I_ think of that?]
Anthropomorphic Ape shrugged. "Who can say? But just remember it for
The monkey frowned. [Oh, come off it. It wasn't even that long.]
"Uh, hello? Yes it was!"
[No. No, it really wasn't.]
"Look, Coco the Powder Monkey, just 'STFU', as the 'hip', 'cool' kids
say these days."
[What?! Those jerks aren't cool at all!]
And while the primates argued, a mysterious salami-coloured figure
crept into the shadows of the alley...
"Dude, those kids are totally 'happening'!"
[No, they are not.]
The salami-coloured figure crept into the specific shadowy part of the
alley that was behind the two primates...
"You have no idea what you're talking about."
[Yes I do! You friggin' gorilla so-and-so, stop arguing with me
The mysterious salami-coloured figure crept out of the shadows, no
longer having any need for them, seeing as how he was behind his
"No, _you_ stop arguing with _me_!"
[No, you -- wait, my spider monkey senses are tingling!]
Coco the Powder Monkey and Anthropomorphic Ape whipped around just in
time for the Improbable Man Made out of Salami to do something
antagonistic. You can make it up yourself, if you like. It's ultimately
irrelevant anyway. Just know that this horribly antagonistic thing that
he did knocked Coco the Powder Monkey and Anthropomorphic Ape out cold,
and that he then dragged them to the secret lab of Dr. Disagree, and,
by extension, Colonel Cologne, where the next scene takes place...
~ * ~
However, by the time the monkey and ape wake up, he was gone.
~ * ~
Anthropomorphic Ape gave an 'urgh' and opened his eyes. "Where... where
The room he was in was completely white. The floor was white. The walls
were white. The roof was white. The one sole item of furniture, a large
bed, was also white. The sheets were white. The blanket was white. The
teddy gorilla was white. The door was white. The door handle was white.
And written on the white door with the white handle in large letters
was 'ANTHROPOMORPHIC APE SMELLS FUNNY LIKE POO'. But because the
writing was white too, Anthropomorphic Ape didn't see it, and so (to
his shame and dishonour) allowed the insult to pass.
"Hello?" Anthropomorphic Ape whirled distressedly. So distressedly that
'distressedly' became a word. But it was only a baby word still, so
whenever anyone said 'distressedly' for a while, it just came out as
'waaagh, waaaaaagh!'. "Is anyone here? Coco the Powder Monkey? Coco the
Powder Mo- oh, darn it, Coco? Coco?!"
"Your miniature friend is not here." The voice rang out imperiously
through the white room. Anthropomorphic Ape whirled around to look at
the white speakers from which the sound had come, and the massive white
screen between them. Dr. Disagree's image was on the white screen, but
it was also white, so it could not be distinguished. "The Army have
taken him for their own disgusting, monkey fetish-y purposes. You are
now mine. Mine! For my own disgusting, ape fetish-y purposes! Mwa ha ha
Anthropomorphic Ape winced.
"No. No, Anthropomorphic Ape, no, that was a joke. See? Joke? Heh. Heh
heh. Don't you get it?"
"It wasn't funny," sniffed A. Ape. "It was crude and degrading. For
both of us."
"No I wouldn't!"
"You just did!"
"No I didn't!"
~ * ~
Meanwhile, Coco the Powder Monkey also woke up. "Ooh?"
"Ah, Margarita. It is good to have you back."
"Ooh ooh Ah ooh ah?!"
Colonel Cologne smiled warmly. "That's right, soldier. Your old drill
sergeant, Colonel Cologne. Miss me?"
Coco the Powder Monkey looked away distressedly. So distressedly that
'distressedly' became a word. But it was only a baby word still, so
whenever anyone said 'distressedly' for a while, it just came out as
'waaagh, waaaaaagh!'. "Aah... ooh."
Cologne, apparently missing the dissent in Coco the Powder Monkey's
voice, continued to catch up with his favourite cadet in a fatherly
kind of way.
After a few boring hours of that sort of rubbish, silence fell onto the
conversation. When the lengthy pause was complete, Cologne said, "So. I
guess you've been wondering why I needed to rerecruit you, soldier."
"I thought as much. Tell me, Margarita, just how much you know of a
mysterious figure known only as 'The Improbable Man Made out of
Coco the Powder Monkey gasoed. Gasoing, for those who don't know, is
much like gasping, but you exchange the 'p' for an 'o' so that you get
a rounder sound, with a far less definitive start and end.
The colonel frowned. "A gaso like that could only mean one thing: You
know far more than I." Silence settled once more, as Coco the Powder
Monkey looked down at the ground. "Please, Margarita. You have to tell
me everything you know."
"We... we've tracked him back as far as the Proposition, lad. You're
the only one who was left unaccounted for after the massacre. You hold
the key to the end of the Improbable Man's antagonistic ways!"
"Ooh ah. Aah ooh ooh aah, ah ooh ah ooh ah ah ah ooh, aah. Aa-"
"Margarita!" gasoed Colonel Cologne distressedly. "I can't understand a
damn word you're saying!"
Coco the Powder Monkey examined him warily. "Ooh, [But,]" he oohed.
"Ooh ooh ah ooh aah, ooh... [You're a primate, too...]"
---------- ~ * ~ ----------
WHAT does Coco the Powder Monkey know about the Improbable Man Made out
WHY does Colonel Cologne care?
DOES Dr. Disagree have an ape fetish?
WILL Anthropomorphic Ape drop the 'anthropomorphic' upon learning that
all apes are actually anthropomorphic?
HOW did the Improbable Man Made out of Salami come to be?
ALL these questions answered, and all answers questioned, in ~SEA
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