LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #5: The Climactic Five-Issue Battle

[Tarq]

ALT.STRALIAN YARNS #5
THE CLIMACTIC FIVE-ISSUE BATTLE
by Mitchell Crouch

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Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man rounded a corner to see his
third-cousin, City-Slicker Gent, beating the living daylights out of an
otherwise inconspicuous farmer. Shaking his head, he ignored the fight
and walked up the road, towards the town hall.

As he got closer, he was able to make out the hands on the massive (for
an outback town) clock tower, as well the gigantic hulkhen on top of
it.

"Crikey," he murmured to himself. "I wonder how I missed that before?"

He turned back to CSGent, and cried, "Gent! Hulkhen at twelve o'clock!
No pun intended!"

The aggravated city-dweller looked up. His lips read "Oh.", although
any sound was drowned out by the imminent roar of the hulkhen. When
their ears had stopped ringing, he said again, "Oh." This was
immediately followed by panicking civilians seeming to pop out of the
woodwork for the sole purpose of creating mayhem and confusion.

Possum-Man dived out of a window of a nearby building, shattering the
glass and knocking an unfortunate citizen over. "Whoops. Steady there,
mate." He turned to Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man. "BOB! I think I
found one!" The hopeless hero waved his hand in the vague direction of
the town hall. "Do you see? Just there, on top of the clock. Actually
very hard to see, very confusing, really, when you consider its size."

"Yes," BOBFWTLMan replied calmly. "I had my suspicions."

"I s'pose we go and fight it now, then?"

"Fight it? Blimey Charlie, mate. How angry do you wanna make the
bugger?"

Possum-Man considered this for a second. After opening and closing his
mouth in a cod-like fashion many times, he responded, "It can't be
angry if it's incapacitated." With that, he charged off towards the
beast.

"Pos!" The Fantastical Farmer's eyes widened, and he sprinted after his
hired hand. After two seconds he paused, reconsidered, and ran the
other way instead.

City-Slicker Gent cut him off. "Wait! Where are you going? Your
flippin' bird is just there!"

"Well, yeah. But do _you_ wanna be anywhere near it when Pos makes it
flip its lid?"

Gent considered this for a moment, before replying, "What about my
missus?"

Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man frowned, and looked back to the
hulkhen. He clapped his cousin on the shoulder, and replied,
"Realistically? No idea."

There was a horrendous cluck[*] of doom, and the cowed cousins turned
to face the ferocious fowl. In a mind-boggling disregard for
continuity, the hulkhen now had Possum-Man trapped in an iron grip
within a lack-of-hand, attached to a lack-of-arm, which everyone was
_sure_ hadn't been there two seconds ago. Perhaps even more troubling
was that there was a second lack-of-hand, and held within it was none
other then, you guessed it: Bingo!

"Bingo!" gasped Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man. After a moment's
consideration, he added, "Aaw, fuck."

He grabbed his third-cousin, and began pulling him back towards the
mayhem. "We need to go and save Bingo! He's the only bloody cattle dog
I have left!"

Gent shook off the maddened farmer, and shot back, "So? It's not like
you have any cattle to him to dog any more, anyway. And I still need to
find my missus -- I mean, really, this story is beginning to get a bit
painful."

Been-Out-Bush considered this for a moment, his brow creasing with
thought and heavy usage of Alt.stralian logic. "Hows 'bout," thought he
aloud, "ya help me get Bingo back, so then me 'n' Pos can help _you_
get ya missus back, eh? 'S not like ya can do it on ya own."

City-Slicker Gent's face went bright red, not like a tomato, so much,
but more like a fire engine. Do you see?[**] "Fine," he spat, "but if
I'm so useless, how do you expect me to help you with Bingo?"

The farmer considered this. He looked around casually, then handed the
precautionary faeces he collected in AY#4 to the kindly Gent. "Mind
that, would ya?" And with that, the outback extraordinaire charged into
battle.

Placing a hand on his akubra to keep it in place, and thrashing madly
out in front him with his other (to ward off any other lack-of-hands,
you see), he began to romp around in rough circles and yell
incomprehensibly.

The hulkhen, not accustomed to such exotic battle techniques, clucked
some more and scurried up to roost on top of the tower. When the attack
did not recede, it extended its lack-of-arm out over the road, and
Possum-Man hung there precariously. "Oh," he stated. After a moment, he
added, "Um."

"Buk," declared the hulkhen imperiously. "Buk buk, cluck, cluck cluck
buk."

BOBFWTLMan paused the yelling and romping, and looked up at his avian
adversary. "And if I refuse?"

"Cluck," the hulkhen clucked nonchalantly.

Possum-Man fell.

City-Slicker Gent winced as the next page was made up of poorly drawn
and laid out panels, each depicting the reactions of the individual
characters. His own was first, his wince caught in an eternal drawing
for all of eternity.

Next came Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man, still clutching his
akubra and waving his other hand around wildly, a look of shock upon
his face. He had one leg held out forward, as if he were running to
catch the falling hero, but, heh heh, everyone knows he doesn't care
about Possum-Man that much.

The next frame was taken up entirely by the missus' face. She had a
completely unconcerned expression, which suggests that she knew nothing
about the main character's current predicament, and she had a single
speech bubble -- "Damn it, Johann!"

After that was the hulkhen, shaded ominously, a low-angle shot that
revealed her beaky, avian grin, and Bingo in the distance.

Lucky Bingo even had a frame all to himself. He was upside down,
looking as puzzled and old as only hardened blue cattle dogs can.

And last, of course, came Possum-Man himself. He was nary two or three
metres from the ground, a look of vague concern evident on what
features his mask didn't obscure. His cape flapped dramatically behind
him, and he, too, had a speech bubble: "Oh."

The hero let out a sigh of relief as the comic returned to normal, and
a placid supersteer wandered out beneath him just in the nick of time.

There was a thunderous "MROO!" from the supersteer as it conveniently
cushioned Pos' fall, and gosh darn lasers were expelled from its eyes,
flashily exploding the town hall with a 'PIU PIU, KA-BOOOOOM'. The
hulkhen came crashing down, and Bingo landed safely on top of it.

BOB took the opportunity to grab the supersteer, and he aimed it
directly the hulkhen's head.

"Cluck?"

PIU PIU!

"Ba-kawk!"

Onomatopoeia!

The Fantastical Farmer, City-Slicker Gent, Possum-Man, and Bingo
assembled near the headless corpse of the now regular-sized hen as it
ran around aimlessly. Taking stock of the damage they had caused, and
sneaking inconspicuously away to continue the on-going search for
City-Slicker's missus, they rounded a corner triumphantly as Possum-Man
exclaimed, "Oh yeah! Once again, the day is saved, thanks to -"

"Shut up, Possum-Man."

"Sorry."

[*] For the record, this is, as far as the Google Groups search will
tell me, the first time the word 'cluck' has been used on RACC, which
is both surprising and deeply troubling. However, that also means that
today truly is a joyous day, so let there be much celebrating, and let
us forever remember this day, the 15th of January, as Cluck Day.

[**] And that's the second time I used the phrase 'Do you see?' in this
story. I don't even know why I bothered to point that out, but it
seemed significant for some reason or another.

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Expect Ape Month stories soon.

And also heaps awesomely dodgy Possum-Man video game that I spent most
of this morning boredly poking at. Man oh man, I gotta finish this...
it takes 'funny because it's not' to a whole new level. I love it. My
baby. My precious. xoxoxo tic tac toe. Etc.

~Mitchell.