LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #7: Whack Whack Ka-Boom Ahoy

Tarq mitchell_crouch at caladrius.com.au
Thu Feb 15 21:52:20 PST 2007

Whack Whack Ka-Boom Ahoy
by Mitchell Crouch


Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man swung the crowbar and smashed the
planks of wood that holed up the old, abandoned, and conveniently
local Castle Hardware store. One of many that had gone bust after his
cousin, City-Slicker Gent, had failed to properly represent Mr. Steve
Spingles, the owner of said hardware stores, who had recently assumed
the supervillain identity of the Screwball. None of that would be so
bad, if it weren't for the fact that the Screwball had apparently
kidnapped City-Slicker Gent's missus, and that now the Gent himself
was missing, along with Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man's own best
friend, Bingo. Even with those titanic odds against him, Been-Out-Bush
felt that the rescue of said persons would still be fairly easy, if it
weren't for the fact that his hired hand, Possum-Man, had left after
repeated verbal abuse. Bother, eh?

The fantastical farmer walked into the dusty shop, and had a quick
look around. The shelves were empty, and there was nothing on the
counter or in the drawers. The only thing seemed to be left behind was
one of those little toads that croaked whenever someone walked through
the door.

BOBFWTLMan picked it up, and examined it more closely. There was no
dust on it. The batteries looked fairly new, even if the toad wasn't
turned on. Someone had left it here recently.

Flicking the small red switch on its belly, the toad came to life,
croaking, "Sorry, City-Slicker, but your missus is in another Castle!"

The farmer turned the toad off straight away. It had obviously been
left there for a reason. Left there for City-Slicker Gent to find. To
lead him... where?

Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man winced as he turned back for the
ute, headed to his destroyed farmhouse once more. He'd need some
serious supplies to make the trip to Syd.net.

~ * ~

He threw the last box in the back of the ute, tied it all on securely,
and looked fretfully at his watch. He'd already wasted more time than
he would have preferred.

Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man jumped in the ute and turned the
key. Nothing.

He tried a couple times more, and still, nothing. He jumped out again,
and ran to the bonnet, popping it open. Just as he had suspected, just
about everything that could have been sabotaged, was sabotaged.

"Screwball," he muttered under his breath. Looking around desperately,
he grabbed a saddle and ran for the hen yard.

~ * ~

"Bawk bawk ba-kawk, bawk!" screeched the hulkhen as it raced across
kilometres and kilometres of farmland, indeed, several hundreds of
kilometres up the coast to Syd.net.

On the outskirts of Waterfall, BOB dismounted and tied his chook to a
nearby train. "Stay..." he ordered the beastie.

A whistle blew, and the train began to move out. The hulkhen's eyebrow
feathers rose, but Been-Out-Bush fixed it with an adamant stare and it
stayed rooted to the spot. He smiled. "Good chicken."

And with that, he ran out onto the road, screaming madly for a taxi.

~ * ~

Pitt Street, Syd.net. It's an interesting place. Monorail station. A
few adult bookstores. And also home to the first ever Castle Hardware

Been-Out-Bush crept in to the empty building warily. In the middle of
the room was City-Slicker Gent's missus, bound and not-quite-gagged,
but appearing to be uninjured.

BOBFWTLMan gave a grunt of recognition and a nod. "G'day. Don't
suppose ya'd know where ya bluddy mongrel of a hubby is?"

"No," she spat. "What are you even doing here? Where _is_ Johann?"

There was a clatter outside, and BOB dived for cover, making 'shush'
motions with his hands at the missus. She rolled her eyes and looked
towards the door.

"Eh," a figure moaned. "Eh. Ehre wi goh, thun. Eh lehdy, got eh
sepprise for ya."

"Johann!" gasped the missus.

"Missus!" gasped City-Slicker Gent.

Bingo panted happily.

"Eh, eh," grunted the Screwball. "Ya biyund tha 'ope o' riskyew,

"Beyond the hope of what?"


"No, listen, I'm terribly sorry, I can't understand a word you're
saying in that ridiculous kiwi accent."

"Well, whoop-de-doo, just trying to sound sinister. Anyway, just shut
up and let me not-quite-gag you. I figure we've still got a day or two
to wait on that moron farmer cousin of yours. He'd need some sort of
ridiculously oversized chicken like what was tearing the train up at
Waterfall to have beaten us here."

Deciding that that was an appropriately dramatic moment, Been-Out-Bush-
For-Way-Too-Long Man stepped out from behind the obstacle that he had
been hiding behind. The obstacle itself is completely irrelevant. A
shelf, counter, whatever. You can make it up yourself, you're all
clever, resourceful people. Just don't make it something ludicrous,
like, say, a walnut. I hardly think that Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-
Long Man could have hidden behind a walnut. Or a giraffe. What would a
giraffe be doing in a hardware store in the middle of Syd.net?
Gracious me.

"Screwball!" called out the Fantastical Farmer. "Your days of screwing
-- metaphorically, I mean, in a negative sense -- are over! As in,
done. Not as in egg. O-V-E-R, over, not O-V-A, ova. Over. Done. Kaput.
Ya follow all this, right?"

Screwball opened his mouth to reply with something unabashedly
villainous when Been-Out-Bush cut him off by yelling, "And don't try
the kiwi accent on me, either. I hear everything. I know all."

"Eh, impossible! How could you have beaten me here, eh?!"

"Only by riding on some sort of ridiculously oversized chicken, didn't
you say before?"

"Alas and alackaday, eh, my lack of cluck has foiled me again!" And
with that, he turned and ran out the door.

There was silence for a second, before City-Slicker Gent piped up
with, "So, I don't suppose you'd mind untying us and removing these

"Not quite," said Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man. He waited a few
minutes. "Okay, now's good."

He untied the three captives, and then they all rushed out onto the
street together.

They looked around dramatically, before Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long
Man declared, "Croikey. He got away."

"Of course he got away!" hissed the missus. "If you'd just untied us
when Johann had told you to, we could have apprehended him!"

"Blah blah blah," added BOB. "Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah
blah blah blah blah. Blah."

The missus went bright red, and screeched, "How dare you?! You
pathetic, childish, primitive imbecile!"

"Ruff," growled Bingo.

The missus punched at him sissily.

"Ooh, look at me, I punch like a girl," muttered Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-
Too-Long Man. "Listen, sister, just shut ya bluddy pie hole, would ya?
Ya nothing but a recurring background character, and even that's at
very, very best."

The missus protested at this, of course, but didn't actually get any

While the missus and BOBFWTLMan argued, and City-Slicker Gent tried to
play negotiator, Bingo meandered uninterestedly out into the middle of
the road.


He was hit by a bus.

"Bingo!" gasped BOB, distraught.


And two taxis.


That was the other taxi.


Three taxis.


And a helicopter.



And a submarine.



And a helicopter. No, wait, wait, a submarine. Yeah. Heh heh. He was
hit by a submarine. A helicopter-submarine. A subcopter! A helimarine!
A flying train of submarines! A flying submarine train track! Oh,
damn, this is just too good. Uh, okay, okay, hows about a, um, hey, a
flying submarine train track rabbit! Heh! Heh heh! A flying submarine
train track rabbit! Ha! Yeah!


The short scenes at the start really speed this one up, and it seems
like you've only just begun reading when you finish. In case you
didn't notice. But I really couldn't decide between KA-BOOM! A
helicopter. vel KA-BOOM! A submarine., thus three different endings.
Take your pick.


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