LNH: Beige Countdown #12
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Aug 28 19:32:28 PDT 2007
[Note to Readers: This is the first issue of this miniseries.
Beige Countdown #0 is the last issue.]
[Cover: A photo of Continuity Champ, Rebel Yell, and The Ultimate
Ninja. Red Xs cross the heads of Continuity Champ and Rebel Yell. A
black-gloved hand begins to scribe an X across The Ultimate Ninja's
face. Down on the bottom is the text 'The New Triumvirate'.]
[B E I G E]
[C O U N T # 1 2 D O W N]
Bad Timing Boy slammed the brakes of his Ford Pinto. Arrrghghhg!!
Damn. Another Red light. Every time he came close to a stoplight it
turned on him. No wonder Can't-Get-A-Break-at-the-Lights Man became a
There was no way he was going to get to that LNH meeting on time at this
rate. Wait! Maybe -- just maybe. If he exited on Barnes and took
Kogutt he could get to Bingham Ave without having to deal with all of
Bad-Timing Boy quickly made a right. And as he did, he realized what a
horrible idea that had been.
No! Not a traffic jam! Maybe he could pull out. He looked into his
rearview mirror. Damn. A bunch of cars were behind him. How could
this be? No one ever drove on Barnes! What was causing this?
Something in the distance. Some type of building? In the middle of the
street? A beige building? A beige building with a clock? Hmm. The
clock hands seemed to be on one o'clock. That couldn't be right! It
couldn't be one o'clock yet! Bad-Timing Boy looked at his watch. Damn.
His watch didn't seem to be working. And he had just bought it a week
ago. Well, this was just great!
Bad-Timing Boy sighed to himself. Better call headquarters and tell
them I'm going to be late. He clicked on his comm.thingee. "Hey,
Multi-Tasking Man? Don't think I'm going to make the meeting. Hey! No
need to be sarcastic! I'm stuck in traffic! No, really! Really!!
Look. There's this big beige tower -- and it's totally blocking every
car on Barnes and Kogutt! I'm serious! Look, just send a
flight.thingee here!" Bad-Timing Boy clicked it off.
Bad-Timing Boy heard various people honking horns behind him. Maybe he
should get out of his car and check the tower out. Then again maybe the
wisest thing would be to just stay put. Bad-Timing Boy sighed again.
Whatever he did he'd wind up screwed. He clicked on the radio.
<<And the Ultimate Ninja was escorted to jail for further questioning
related to the wReamicus Maximus murder...>>
Well. Life could be worse.
'The New Triumvirate'
And then a light bursts from the tip of a match head. Shades of gray
start to develop. The lit match exposes a tone gray hand. A hand that
guides the match towards a dangling cigarette. And a tone gray mouth.
And the cigarette burns. And a cloud of moral ambiguity starts to form.
Noises. More light burst into the darkness. A man holding a lantern
reveals more details. The grayish toned man smoking a cigarette wears a
trenchcoat. Shells and artillery burst outside.
"Senor Noirish? They're all dead!"
The Grayish Trenchcoated Man lets out a nod as he looks down. Dead
Nazis litter the ground.
"Who do you think killed them?"
"It doesn't matter. We need to find it. It has to be here. Start
The man with the lantern puts it down and starts to search through the
belongings of the dead men. "There's not much here. Just some garbage
and some trashy American comic books."
"Comic Books? Why would Nazis have American comic books?" The
trenchcoated man walks over to where the comics are.
The trenchoated man winces as he touches the comics. The gray toned
world that surrounds him can't seem to affect the comics. Bright Four
Colors sparkle out of them.
He picks up one of the comics. A comic called 'Two-Fisted Boy Lad
Combat'. The cover shows a picture of Boy Lad mooning an outraged
Hitler. The bottom of the comic displays text promising 'A dead Kraut
and Jap in Every Page!!' The trenchcoated man flips through the pages
of the comic to see if that promise is in fact true. As he flips
through the comic he notices something strange. The character called
Boy Lad seems to be carrying a book. There is no explanation of why
he's carrying this book or what the book is about. Every page. What is
"Sanchez! Hand me over that silver cross of yours!"
"Vampires?" Sanchez asks clutching his crucifix even tighter.
"No, nothing like that. I just need to test something. Promise.
Really, I promise."
Sanchez with some suspicion reluctantly takes off his cross and hands it
to the trenchcoated man.
Phil M Noirish dangles the cross above the comic book. As soon as the
cross touches the comic a warped pool cascades across the books. The
illusion shatters. And a book remains.
"Is it the book?"
Phil M Noirish doesn't answer at first. He opens it and his eyes become
hypnotized by every page as he flips through it.
Finally after several hours he manages to free himself from the
beguiling book. "Yes. It's the book. God yes. It's the answer. The
answer to everything. It's going to solve everything. Every single
problem. This book will make us Gods, Sanchez. Sanchez? Sanchez?"
But Sanchez is no longer there.
"I don't know how long I can hold him off." The thin detective had a
worried expression on his face. "He's going through a bad divorce right
now. And I think he's been drinking. Who knows what he's capable of!
And did I mention he has this thing for ninjas? They make him go crazy.
Yes! Crazy! And you don't want to see him when he's crazy! God
knows what he's going to do! I don't know if I'll be able to stop him.
I'm not sure if anyone will be able to stop him! You think you've
seen 'Bad' Cops before. But you haven't. My partner. He's the
Ultimate Bad Cop. And once you release him from the bottle -- there's
no putting him back in. Nope."
The thin detective looked uneasily at the door. Outside someone was
pounding it. Pounding it with the rage of a mad man. "Let me at him!!
I'll get the answers!! I'll break them out of him!! Crack each
bone!!!!! Suck the marrow!! I'll break them all!! Die!!!! Die!!!!!
Open this damn door or I'll smash it down!!!!! Let me in!!!!!"
"So, why don't you just confess? I mean, doesn't part of you want to
confess? I mean no one really ever like wReamicus Maximus. Why, I bet
they'd throw you a parade if you confessed! And heck, if you confess
I'll even throw in this tasty donut! Mmm! Tasty! Ready to confess?"
The thin detective dangled the donut in front of the suspect.
The thin detective waited for the suspect sitting at the table to
answer. The suspect garbed in a black pajama type suit tapped four
fingers on the table with a slow steady rhythm.
"Do you know who I am?" asked the suspect.
"Umm, yeah. You're the..."
"Silence. Do you see that fly up on the ceiling?"
The thin detective looked up and saw an insect crawling near an air
duct. "Uh, yeah. What about it?"
"Observe." Suddenly the fly stopped moving. And it fell. It fell onto
the table. And as it hit the table, it divided into two equal parts.
Perfectly split down the middle.
"Jesus Christ! What did the hell did you do?"
"I looked at it funny. I ask you again, Do you know who I am? I am the
correct answer to the question, 'Who in the entire Looniverse do I Not
want to get into a fight to the death with?' I am the gaze that causes
nightmares to wet their beds. The blood I have spilled could fill the
Great Lakes. I know every single horrible way to kill or maim a living
creature. Or person. And while you've been blabbering away I invented
another thousand. You want to know who I am? I'm the Goddamn Ultimate
Ninja. Unless your 'bad' cop partner is an omnipotent being who can
level worlds by just glancing at them -- you're wasting your time. And
you're wasting my time. Now. Do you have anything else to ask me?"
"Umm. Sure you don't want to confess? Pretty Please? With sugar on top?"
"I thank you for providing my bail, Irony Man. You didn't have to."
"Umm, I kind of did. We can't afford to have the leader of the LNH in
jail. Bad publicity, you know. Look. Despite all of our differences,
I want you to know that I'm behind you. And I'm prepared to hire you
the best legal defense team money can buy. Guys who can get you off no
matter how guilty you really are. Not that I'm saying you're guilty --
You aren't, are you? Just wondering?"
"I'm not sure. The last couple weeks of Infinite April are hazy. I
can't remember much of anything. But no. I don't believe I did.
Stabbing someone in the back? Not my style."
"You probably should go with another story. People don't tend to buy
the whole amnesia line. Maybe you should take Deductive Logic Man off
the Bart investigation and have him look at this."
"No. Finding all we can find about Bart is the most important thing
right now. I'll get someone else to try and find out who killed
"And what if it's you?"
"Then I'll go to jail."
"That brings up another point. The LNH can't afford to have a leader
mired away in legal battles not with so much work to be done to stop the
Bryttle Brothers from destroying the Looniverse. We need a leader who
the innocent bystanders have faith in. Who can work with the
government. You're going to have to resign for the good of the LNH.
You know that, don't you? You need to pick a replacement."
"And who should that be? You, Irony Man?"
"Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind," Irony Man said with a
tiny smile on his face. "No. I want what's good for the LNH. I think
it should be Cat. The public loves and trusts her. All of the LNH
"Catalyst Lass? What's your game, Irony Man?"
"Game? Really, Ultimate Ninja. I want to do everything I possibly can
to help stop the Bryttle Brothers. And right now we need someone like
Catalyst Lass to lead the LNH. I'm still planning to run for leader,
but I'll leave that for my fellow LNH'rs to decide. But right now it's
up to you. You're going to have to make a decision."
"I'll take it into consideration."
Cheesecake Eater Lad glanced at an 'Elect J. Random Kiwi -- In your
heart, you know he's right!' poster hanging across the side of a hallway
as he made his way to the Ultimate Ninja's office. A couple of kiwis
blocked his path and handed him some campaign pamphlets. "Kiwi! Kiwi!"
they said to him.
"Umm, thanks. I'll keep that in mind." Cheesecake mulled over the
papers for a moment and then shoved them into his back pocket.
As he drew closer towards the Ultimate Ninja's office he noticed that
the door was slightly opened. The lights of the office were off.
Cheesecake Eater Lad pushed the door open. "Ultimate Ninja? You
there?" Cheesecake Eater Lad nervously switched the lights on.
Cheesecake Eater Lad saw the Ultimate Ninja gazing up at one of his
shelfs. "You know what used to be up there, Cheesecake Eater Lad?"
Cheesecake Eater Lad gave it some thought. "Umm. Some kind of weapon?"
"It was a sword. An old Civil War relic from the Confederacy."
"Oh, yeah! Right. I remember that. Rebel Yell gave that to you,
"Yes. Before he left. I think his idea was that the old leaders would
pass it on to the new leaders. Maybe a ritual. A changing of the
guard. Something like that. And now -- it's gone."
"Must have been stolen during that whole Robot Duplicate/Supervillain
War. I'm sure it will turn up again. Maybe on eBay or something. You
want me to set up a team or something to track it down?"
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I didn't call
you in for that. I'm resigning. I thought you should be the first to
"You're kidding." Cheesecake Eater Lad waited for a response, but all
he got was silence. "You're not. You never kid, do you? You're really
"I can't focus on a murder trial and lead the LNH effectively. And on a
pure public relations type matter, the LNH can't have a leader that's on
trial for murder. Not at this time. The government and public won't
stand for it. I'll still be a member of the LNH and I'll still be
running for election. So I'll still be around for advice. I just won't
be leading this place."
"And who's going to be leading? Fearless Leader?"
"Irony Man suggested Catalyst Lass. Thought she'd do a better job than
Cheesecake Eater Lad rolled his eyes a bit. "I'm surprised he didn't
"He's smarter than that. No, he's playing some type of mind game. He
might want her to be in charge or maybe he doesn't. Hard to tell how
he's playing this. Do you trust Catalyst Lass?"
"I used to. Then again I used to trust Irony Man. I don't think either
one should be leader. Make Fearless Leader boss if you have to."
"I think I'll make all three leader."
Cheesecake Eater Lad blinked his eyes. "You're not serious? All three!"
"The LNH had a triumvirate before. It worked then. It can work again."
"I don't seem to remember it working all that well. And you're giving
Irony Man what he wants! This is insane! Give the leadership position
to someone else -- anyone besides Irony Man!"
"No. Irony Man has lots of government connections. And we'll need
those in the coming months."
"He's Hexidecimal Luthor's puppet! My god, Ultimate Ninja! You're not
serious about this?!"
"Right now defeating Dekay and Diskolor, and Bart are our highest
priorities. Plus there are other threats such as this new villain
Myanbird who seems to be amassing a large supervillain army. We can't
afford to go into some war with Hex Luthor and United States government.
For now we'll be allies. But once all of those threats are taken care
of -- then we'll deal with him."
"And then we'll deal with him? It seems like we're always saying that.
Every time there's some new threat or crisis we put Hex Luthor aside
and say that we'll deal with him later. And every time we put him aside
he keeps gathering more and more power. And now? And now he's going to
have one of his puppets in charge of the LNH. What are we waiting for?
For him to be ruler of the Looniverse?"
The Ultimate Ninja gave a cold stare. "We'll deal with him."
"I hope so." Cheesecake Eater Lad turned his head away and then looked
back at the Ultimate Ninja. "Don't do this. Please. This is a bad
idea. Just think about it for a couple of days."
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "It's my decision. There's nothing
more to think. Tomorrow. I'll hold a press conference. And tell the
"And that's that?"
The Ultimate Ninja nodded.
Jo Nysegi lying on his bed started to feel his eyes welling up. He
grabbed a kleenix next to his bed and blew his nose. He heard a knock
on his door.
"Sarc? You in there?" It was his best friend, Rob Ramirez, better
known to the world at large as Master Blaster.
"Yeah. Come in." Jo quickly wiped his eyes.
"Hey, Sarc. I'm running for LNH Leader and I was just wondering if..."
Master Blaster paused as he looked at his friend. Something seemed to
be wrong. "Umm, is everything all right? Your eyes are kind of puffy.
Damn. You haven't been crying have you? Jesus! What the hell is
wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Watching movies. 'Terms of Internet.ment'. It has this
scene where the daughter dies of cancer and... Just sad. Very sad."
"Terms of...? Jesus. That's a chick flick! wReanna forced me to watch
that one time! And you're watching it out of your own free will?
Christ! You're starting to scare me, Sarc."
"I'm not Sarcastic Lad anymore, Rob. I'm nothing. The guy who was your
friend is gone, Rob. All I have are his memories now. God. I was such
a horrible dick. All of the horrible things I said. My son. Gary
Niceguy. I should have been there for him. Why did I have to treat him
that way? And now he's gone. Forever. I'm sorry. Sorry for
everything. I'm sorry, Rob. All those times I insulted you and you
didn't get that I was insulting you. I'm sorry for that."
"Umm, it's okay. We need to find that demon, Sarc, and stick it back
inside of you."
"No. We can't do that, Rob. It made me a horrible person. I can't be
that person again."
"Yeah, but at least you were a cool and interesting person. Not
freakin' lame pussy." Master Blaster put his hand on Jo Nysegi's
shoulder. "I can't see you like this, Sarc. Wasting away in self pity.
You're my best buddy. Damn it. Something bad is coming next year and
we're going to need Sarcastic Lad to help us defeat it. Sarcastic Lad.
Jo Nysegi's not going to cut it. So. Come on. Get up. We're going
to find that demon."
"But it could be anywhere. It could take forever!"
"Not forever. And I got an idea where we can start."
"Hell. Pack your bags. Bring some weapons. We're going to hell."
(To be continued in... PIGS IN HELL!!!!)
Fuzzy swirled the cinnamon flavored toothpick around in her mouth as she
gazed at the half a mile tall beige monolith sticking out of the
asphalt. And then she looked at her team of heroes: Most of them
clueless newbies. Why did she pick this morning to quit smoking?
Damn rules about no more smoking on the job. Considering all of the
pollution in the air, would some second hand really hurt anyone? Fuzzy
took the toothpick out of her mouth looked at it for a second and then
popped it back into her mouth. And then she felt something hit her
head. It was a can of Mr. Paprika. She picked it up and turned around.
"Okay. Who was the (soon to be dead person) who threw this at..." But
before she could finish her thought more objects started to fly towards
the LNH'rs. An angry mob was starting to form.
"It's all your fault LNH!! Everything!! This traffic jam!! The damage
to the city!! Get out of our city!! Get out!!! We don't want you
anymore!!" cried the angry mob in an almost uniform voice. "Death to
the LNH!! Death!!!" The mob was armed with garbage, pitchforks, and
Fuzzy had to do something quick before the whole scene became ugly.
Maybe she could use her powers to cloud the mobs mind into being unable
to distinguish itself from the LNH. It was worth a shot. Fuzzy focused
her mind on the mob. Strange. There was some force fighting her own
mental control. Some force was controlling this mob. But what? Or who?
"Fuzzy!" It was the voice of
Boy (or ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy short). "I know who's doing this! Look up
there!! My greatest nemesis!! Kaiser Krowd Zene!!!!"
Fuzzy looked across the street and sure enough standing on top of the
building was some goofy character wearing a monocle cackling gleefully.
"Vahahahahahh!!!! Ja, ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy!!! It iz yur uld enemy!! Und
I shall krush you und yur pitiful Vel und Ache vriends vith vy angry
mob!! Und ven?? Und ven I vill Rule ve Vorld!!!! Ja!!! RULE VE
VORLD!!! Vahhahahah!!! VAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!"
"Right." Fuzzy spit out the toothpick in her mouth, took out a gun from
her jacket, aimed it at Kaiser Krowd Zene, and pulled the trigger.
Kaiser Krowd Zene fell to the ground clutching his knee cap. "Ooh,
God!! Vhat huv you Done?!! Vy vee kap!!! Vy vee kap!! You Shot it!!!
"I'm sorry. Can't quite hear you over this angry mob. Did you just
say, 'Please shoot me in the other knee cap?'" Fuzzy shifted the
direction of her guns aim.
"No!!! Stop!!! You Krazy Fraulein!!! Please!!! Oh god ve pain!!!
Please!!! I'm stopping ve mind kontrol!! Stoppin it!! Ja!! Everyting
iz hunky dory again!!! Veed to go to ve hospital!! Please!!! Hospital!!"
Fuzzy flipped on her comm.thingee. "Multi-Tasking Man? Send over a
medical flight.thingee. Pick up for a dangerous," she snorted to
"Maybe I should buy myself a gun," ASPOHOBGHAKiCS Boy said staring at
his whimpering adversary.
"Yeah, maybe." Fuzzy popped another toothpick into her mouth and walked
over to Dr. Stomper. "So. What do we do about this thing?" she said
gesturing towards the beige tower.
"It's hard to say. Maybe we could try teleporting it out of here. It
appears to be emitting this strange type of energy," Dr. Stomper said as
he studied the instrument.thingee in his hand. "It's causing any
molecules that happen to touch it to decay. Clearly, whatever this
object is it's very dangerous. We need to keep the public away from it."
"Okay. So we shouldn't probably touch it or -- Wait! Cannon Fodder!!
Don't touch the door!! It's..." But before Fuzzy could warn him,
Cannon Fodder's hand was already grasping the beige doorknob of the
beige tower. Cannon Fodder then heard Fuzzy's shouting. He looked at
Fuzzy's horrified face. And then he looked at his hand. The color was
fading from it. His hand was drying up. Decaying. And the decay was
spreading through his whole body. Cannon Fodder fell to the ground. He
body shattered into a pile of dust.
"Interesting," Dr. Stomper mused as he studied the energy waves from the
pile of dust.
"Okay. No one and I repeat no one touch the tower!" Fuzzy said with a
stern expression on her face.
"Okay." A new LNH'r named Know Wun who had been hanging with the group
of heroes quickly touched the tower and also became a pile of dust.
"You killed Know Wun!" gasped an LNH'r.
"I didn't -- I mean -- How the hell was I supposed to know one of our
members was called No One!!!!" Fuzzy shook her head. "Just -- just
don't touch the tower. Whatever your name is! Don't do it!"
Out of the shadows another hero emerged. "Two heroes down. And the
tower remains. But maybe I can touch it. Maybe. And maybe if I do
touch the tower even Saxon Brenton will think I'm cool enough to write a
story for." And with that
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Lad rushed
towards the tower and hit it with his fist. And a few seconds later
became a pile of dust.
"Stop it!! Stop it you people!! Stop touching the tower!!!" Fuzzy
pulled out her gun again. "I will shoot anyone who even thinks about
touching the building! I mean it!!"
"And so it begins. The event that will lead to the greatest event ever.
Well, until the greatest event that comes after that. Three heroes
are dead. One of them will probably be back. But two probably won't
be. But who knows. Maybe they will be back. But they're dead now.
How many more will die? Will those who die be D-list characters also?
C-list? Perhaps even CB-list? And time ticks on." The voice came from
some stranger by the name of Arthur Spitzer.
"Okay. Who is this jerk? Do you have anything useful to tell us?"
Fuzzy said pointing her gun at the stranger named Arthur Spitzer.
"I'm simply a traveler in this tale -- in this..." And then the
stranger who went by the name Arthur Spitzer looked at his hand, which
was leaning against the tower. "Oh @#$%@$. I shouldn't have done that.
I'm so..." And with that the stranger who went by the name Arthur
Spitzer also became a pile of dust.
Fuzzy shook her head disgust. "I give up. Do whatever you want people."
Catalyst Lass looked at the poster she was making. And then she looked
at the cat that was sleeping on her bed.
"I don't know, Mr. Tiddles. What do you think? Should the 'O' in Vote
be a smiley face or a heart shape? Hmm? I think I'm leaning towards
the smiley face myself." The cat looked up with disinterest and then
went back to sleep.
"Oooh! I've got an idea!" But before she could tell Mr. Tiddles about
this wonderful new idea that had popped into her head, her comm.thingee
hanging from her belt started to vibrate. "Ooh. *Giggle* I need to fix
the vibration settings one of these days. A little too strong.
*giggle*. Hiya! You've reached Catalyst Lass, but everyone calls me
Cat! Oh, hi Ultie! I'm what? Really!? Yes. Of course! I'll be
there. Bye!" She attached her comm.thingee back to her belt.
"Well, Mr. Tiddles. Looks like there's a new sheriff in town." A sly
smile broke from her lips as she looked at herself in her mirror.
Hex Luthor's left hand squeezed the globe and his fingers slowly crawled
over every continent feeling every single piece of land and water. From
North America to South America. Then to Africa. Europe. The Middle
East. Asia. And Eventually Australia. What did that leave?
Antarctica he guessed.
"With the Ultimate Ninja fighting legal battles that leaves Fearless
Leader, Catalyst Lass, and J. Random Kiwi as my strongest competition
for leadership, Hex." The voice came from Toony Stork, aka Irony Man.
Hex Luthor removed his eyes from the globe. "J. Random Kiwi? I'll have
my people look into him. Or her? I'm already in talks with people that
have interesting info on Fearless Leader and Catalyst Lass. In a few
weeks they won't be a problem."
"Just don't hurt them. At least not physically." Irony Man turned his
head away. "God. What am I saying? What am I doing? I can't go
through with this. I shouldn't be leader of the LNH. This is wrong!
We need to stop this, Hex!"
"Toony. It's too late to stop. To try and stop what we're doing now
would have disastrous consequences for the world and for us. You want
to save the world, Toony, don't you? Sometimes you have to commit
horrible acts to do that. Yes, Toony. And a year from now when all of
the monsters have been defeated, when we have saved the world from
itself -- you'll realize that you made the right decision. Yes, Toony.
Do you understand?"
"Yes. I understand. I'm sorry. Sometimes I just remember the way
things used to be."
Hex Luthor gave an understanding nod. "I know. Sometimes I think about
the past too." Hex picked up a snow globe that was lying on his desk.
Inside the globe was some man repairing a bicycle. Hex turned the globe
upside down. And then he placed it back on his desk. Red snowflakes
fell on the bicycle repairing man. Hex Luthor smiled to himself. "But
the past is dead. We need to prepare for the now. And the tomorrow."
Irony Man's comm.thingee beeped. "Excuse me, Hex. Got a call from
headquarters." Hex Luthor nodded and started to thumb through some
folders on his desk. "Hello? UN? I see. You're serious? I see. No,
I'll be there." Irony Man clipped his comm.thingee back to his belt.
"The ninja has resigned. And I'm going to be the replacement."
"See, Toony. What did I tell you? It's all going perfectly to plan.
You shouldn't worry. Destiny is guiding us all. Ah, my 4 o'clock is
here." A door opened. And Irony Man looked in shock at who had opened it.
"You? But -- you're dead?"
"I was. But we all know what a revolving door that is. So. Are we all
ready to save the world?"
Rumor Monger glanced at the long haired-bearded stranger sitting
opposite of him. The stranger wore a marijuana T-shirt, a Yin-Yang
headband, beads around his neck, and rose colored glasses.
"Groovy hippy threads, Fearless Leader. I'm pretty sure I said
inconspicuous -- not hilarious."
"Ix-Nay on the Ame-Nay! I'm supposed to be a drug dealer! Look. It
was the best I could come up with on short notice. I'm not Disguise
"You don't say."
"Look. Wait a sec. Got a call coming. Hold on." Fearless Leader took
out his comm.thingee. "Yes, it's me. I'm what? I see. Well, yes.
I'll be there. Okay. Later."
Rumor Monger perked his ears up. "That sounded like an interesting call."
"No. Just routine business. Look. You said you had some info for me.
About the Mynabird and the receptionist. Well?"
"Correct. Mind you this is a rumor. You know how in the last month or
so 13 prisons across the world have been broken into freeing hundreds of
Fearless Leader nodded.
"Well. A month from now there's going to be a prison break-out that's
going to make all of those look like chicken scratch. Have you ever
heard of the 'Ultimate Black Hole'?"
"No, can't say I have."
Rumor Monger smiled to himself. "It's a legend. A myth. Supposedly a
billion light years away there's this prison in space. The biggest
prison ever. They say it's filled with some of most dangerous and
powerful supervillains ever. Planet Killers. Sun Rapists..."
"Sun Rapists? What are -- no, on second thought -- don't tell me."
"And they're not even the worst. You've got Galaxy Molesters. Black
Hole Torturers. And beings so power and evil that they make the rest
look like Santa Claus. But fortunately for us they're locked away in
the greatest prison ever built. A prison no one has ever escaped from.
You see the prison itself is a black hole. And not just any black
hole, but the Ultimate Black Hole! The biggest and most powerful black
hole in the entire Looniverse! Nothing can escape from it! Not light!
Not time! Not even things that can go faster than light! And even if
you were to do the impossible and escape you would then have to deal
with the guards outside of the black hole. The first guards are two
RACCelestials who are just outside of the event horizon. And then
surrounding those guards are Ninja Suns! 300 Ninja Suns!!"
"Ninja Suns? What the hell are ninja suns?"
"They are suns who have been trained in the fine art of ninjitsu for
over a billion years. No one has ever beaten a Ninja Sun in armed combat."
"Oh. So, if it's so impossible to escape should the LNH even be worried
about this? Are Dekay and Diskolor in that prison?"
"Who knows? Maybe. As for whether you should be concerned that's up
for your LNH to decide. The question you should really be asking though
is who gave Mynabird this idea in the first place?"
"Okay, I'll bite."
"You know the receptionist you're looking for? Well, he's the one who
told Mynabird about this place and even gave them this fool proof way to
break the prison open and release everyone. And he's going along with
them. Him, Mynabird, and a hundred of other baddies."
"When are they leaving?"
"They've already left. Based on the speed of their space ship, it will
probably take them a month to reach the prison. Of course, keep in mind
-- this is just a rumor."
"It better be more than that." Fearless Leader took out an envelope
from his pocket and handed it to Rumor Monger.
Rumor Monger peaked into the contents and smiled. "Oh, and before I
forget. I've got this other juicy little rumor. But it will cost you.
"And why do you thing I'd pay that much?"
"Oh, I don't know. But you know that girlfriend of yours. What's her
name? Tearing? No. Oh, yes. Ripping. Ripping Dancer. Lovely. Nice
catch if you don't mind me saying so."
"Well, the rumor I heard about her -- You'll really want to know this
one. Oh, yes."
Fearless Leader grabbed Rumor Monger by the tuft of his shirt and yanked
him up into the air. "Stay. Away. From her. Whatever lies you're
peddling I wouldn't take for free. We're through here." And then
Fearless Leader hurled him into another group of villains table. And
then he walked out of the bar. Various supervillains gaped at the
rather tall and muscle bound hippy who was leaving the bar.
"Make Love not War, Fearless Flower Child." Rumor Monger laughed, then
slowly got back up, and brushed himself off. "Oh, this is the thanks
you get. Try to help people. But he'll be sorry. A few months from
now. Oh, he'll wish he had paid me. He'll wish all kinds of things.
But it will be too late. Just too late. Ah, the tragedy of it all. Me
without ten grand. And him -- without hope." Rumor Monger chuckled to
himself. "Ah, what's done is done." Rumor Monger strolled back to his
table and finished his drink. And his ears scanned the room more juicy
"Here to see the new king be crowned, are you?" Irony Man smirked as
Catalyst Lass and Fearless Leader entered the room.
"I'm pretty sure you mean Queen, Toony," Catalyst said sticking her
tongue out at him.
"Hmm. All I know is that the Ultimate Ninja called me here for a
reason. And I suspect that he gave you two the same story. And I take
it he's doing a press conference in that room right now?" Fearless
Leader gestured over towards a door. All three heroes glanced towards
Irony Man hit one of his metal hands on the other one. "Wait a sec.
What if it wasn't the Ultimate Ninja who called us? What if it was some
shape changing alien pretending to be him and all of those reporters are
also shape changing aliens? What if this is all a trap!!? What if they
have *weapons of mass destruction*?? The more I think about it, the
more I think we probably should just start shooting at anything that
moves in there. Just to be safe."
"Maybe we should just, you know, listen to the press conference before
we start attacking people, you know? Maybe?" Catalyst Lass suggested.
"Oh, right." Irony Man rolled his eyes. "That always works."
"Look. We'll listen. But we'll remain cautious. Okay?" Fearless
Leader said trying to bring a middle of the road viewpoint.
Irony Man shrugged his head. "Well, I just hope they don't have any
nuclear weapons. That's all I'm saying."
Fearless Leader cautiously opened the door to the press conference
slightly. And the three heroes listened.
"...And since my legal problems are starting to make things difficult in
terms of running the LNH, I've decided to resign from my leadership
Gasps sputtered out of the room. Some of the reporters, who were
drinking beverages at the time, even did spit-takes.
"It's not something I want to do, but I feel it's the best course of
action at the moment for the LNH. I'll still be running for election
and if the LNH wants me back as leader I'll do my duty. It's almost
been 15 years since I got the job as leader and it's been filled with
good times and bad times. Mostly bad. This is a thankless job. This
job eats away at you. It makes you want to -- Look. I don't envy the
people who are going to replace me. Well. We might as well get this
over with. I'd like to announce the new leadership that is taking over
the LNH." The Ultimate Ninja turned his eyes towards the slightly open
door. "Fearless Leader, Catalyst Lass, Irony Man? Please come in.
These three Legionnaires are -- The New Triumvirate!"
This is insane! This will never work, Iron Man thought scowling to himself.
I expected something like this would happen, thought Fearless Leader
sighing to himself.
Ooh! I forgot to get my hair done, Catalyst Lass thought looking into
one of her small compact mirrors.
After four months of these bozos in charge, the LNH will beg me on their
knees to take charge of this nut farm again, thought Ultimate Ninja with
a slight smile beneath his mask as the three heroes began answering
questions from the group of reporters.
NEXT: Hell if I know.
Beige Clock idea from Lalo Martins...
Credit format stolen from Rob Rogers LNHCP #501...
LEGION ROLL CALL:
.... Marc Singer
Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon H. Harmon
Cannon Fodder and Ultimate Ninja
Catalyst Lass.... Elisabeth Reba
Cheesecake-Eater Lad.... Matthew Jotham Millheiser
Doctor Stomper... T.M. Neeck
Fearless Leader.... Dave Van Domelen
Fuzzy.... Connie Hirsch
....Martin Phipps and Robert Ramirez
Irony Man.... Doug Moran
Jo Nysegi (Sarcastic Lad).... Gary St. Lawrence
J. Random Kiwi and Mr. Tiddles
.... Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Hexidecimal Luthor.... Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Rumor Monger.... wReam
I did have something to say about this, but I'm too tired to write it
so... I'm just going to post this...
Arthur "Tick Tick Tick" Spitzer
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