LNH: LNH Comics Presents #64: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 29

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sun Apr 29 10:36:12 PDT 2007

It all began on April 29th, 1992 at 17:37:10 GMT (or at 10:37:10 AM 
California Time) with one post...

And now Fifteen Years Later...

        Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents...



                 EPISODE TWENTY-NINE

I'm -- (Another bullet flies past my head) going to die!  I'm going to die!!

Okay -- let's -- start...

Jesus Christ!  Okay, I'm Kid Recap and...

...I'm in a car!!  And all four tires have been blown out -- And -- And 
-- Every police car in the world is chasing us!!  And the army -- And 
this band of crazed chainsaw wielding bikers wearing John McCain masks!! 
  Helicopters!!  Bullets are raining down!! And -- And -- Oh god.  We're 
in Arizona!!  The car we're driving was stolen from Kid Kirby!!  It's 
full of guns and drugs and adult diapers (And I have to admit that I'm 
wearing one of those diapers right now and I'm glad I am!!!)!!  And I'm 
also wearing an Ultimate Ninja costume.  And we're heading towards the 
Grand Canyon -- WE'RE HEADING TOWARDS THE GRAND CANYON!!  And we're not 
stopping -- Oh god we're not stopping!!  We're NOT STOPPING!!!

And the person who is driving this vehicle?  Who's going to kill us all? 
  He's telling me something.  "Dude," he says, "Being leader of the LNH 
is like totally gnarley, dude."

And we're almost to the edge -- And -- And Let's go back to the beginning...

Yes.  Let's do that...


                The California Kid's Day


              Dude, Where's My Super Weed?


Oh, and just in case you were wondering how I'll be able to recap all of 
what happened while jumping the Grand Canyon -- Well it all comes down 
to my recapping powers.  You see -- I have the power to recap anything 
in any amount of time.  So I can stop time if I need to in order to 
recap some storyline.  But once my recap ends time resumes again.  Which 
probably means me dying in a horrible bloody car crash at the bottom of 
the Grand Canyon.  Such is life.

Anyway, let's go back to the beginning...

You see it all began with the Ultimate Ninja going on vacation.  Of 
course we needed another leader so naturally Fearless Leader stepped in 
to fill the position.  But then he disappeared.  So we picked another 
one.  And that person disappeared.  And eventually Dr. Stomper decided 
that Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad would pick the leader.  But the Leaders 
kept disappearing.

And so 28 disappeared leaders later, Pulls Paper Out of Hats Lad picked 
another one.  And I went over to that LNH'rs room to tell him...

And that's where all this craziness began.


April 29th, 2007

8:35 AM Net.ropolis Time

Kid Recap knocked on the door and heard what sounded like a big crash. 
He opened the door up to see what was happening.  And saw the California 
Kid on the floor next to what looked like a shattered glass bong.

"Dude," the California Kid said trying to shove the pieces under his 
bed.  "It's not what it looks like.  It -- Umm -- Acton Lord made me do 
it.  With his mind control ray voodoo powers.  Yeah.  That's what 
happened!  And he also hid this big stash of weed in my closet.  I tried 
to stop him.  But he was too powerful.  I just want you to know that I 
smoked -- but I did not exhale.  Honest truth, dude!"

"Umm -- I think you mean inhale, Brian.  And relax.  You're the leader now."

"No pretty sure I meant -- whoahh -- what did you say?!"

"You're the leader."

"Dude.  Leader?"


"Double Dude.  So -- that mean I can sleep in?"

"No.  'Fraid not.  You've got a busy day ahead.  Better put your costume 

"Damn.  That sucks."  California Kid sighed and stood up.  He was 
already in his way-cool-surfer Jams shorts that displayed a colorful 
picture involving girls in bikinis playing beach volleyball and some 
palm trees.  He sat in a chair and put on some way-cool sandals.  And 
then he got up and grabbed his way-cool shades that were lying on a 
table near his bed.  And finally, he went over to his mirror and grabbed 
a tube of zinc oxide.  Unscrewing the cap, he squirted the letters C and 
K on his chest.  He paused for a second as if in deep meditation and 
then he turned around in a way-cool manner.  "Okay, Dude.  I'm ready. 
Ready to lead the LNH.  Let's rock n' roll, Dudes!!!"  The California 
Kid pumped his fist in the air.

"Um.  Sure.  Oh yeah, you need to take this."  Kid Recap handed him a pill.

"Umm -- What's this, dude?"

"It's a code pill.  It helps you remember all of the LNHQ codes."

"Does it get you high?"

"I don't think so."

"Damn."  The California Kid popped it into his mouth.

"Oh, btw I forgot to mention -- your family is here."

"Dude.  What did you just say?"

"Your family is here?"

"Oh dude.  The family?  The Dad Dude?  The Mama Dudette?  The Sister 

"Um.  Yep.  There a problem?"

"Yeah, there's a problem.  They can't know I'm leader, Dude.  They'll 
think that something is terribly wrong!"

"Well -- something is terribly wrong, but I see your point."

"You've got to be the leader, Dude!"

"Umm, no.  I have no desire to disappear at midnight."

"I mean pretend.  Wait.  I've got an idea!  You could dress up like the 
Ninja Dude, Dude!"

"I don't think so.  I'm not dressing up like the Ultimate Ninja.  No 
way.  No how."


20 minutes later...

Kid Recap looked at the Ultimate Ninja costume he was wearing.  "How? 
How did I get talked into this?"  Kid Recap buried his face into his hands.

"I don't know, Kid Recap," replied New Look Lass.  "I'd say the color 
works for you.  You look rather dashing.  It gives you an alpha male 
type aura.  Anything else, California Kid?"

"Nope.  Looks good -- New Look Babe.  Okay, Ninja Dude -- let's go see 
the family."

Kid Recap glared at California Kid while he played with the Ginsu katana 
in his belt.


A dog wearing sunglasses ran up to the California Kid.  "Skipper, Dude!" 
  The California Kid patted him on the head and looked towards the 
direction he came from.  And there was his family.  His Dad.  His Mom. 
His Sister.  All wearing sunglasses.

"Calvin!" shouted the lady who was the California Kid's mom as she waved 
at him.

"Calvin?" Kid Recap said with a puzzled expression.  "I thought your 
name was Brian?"

"Yeah, changed it.  Always hated the name Calvin and so I named myself 
after the greatest person ever.  Brian Wilson.  Of course I was so 
stoned when I changed it I wasn't sure how to spell Wilson so I made my 
last name West instead.  But, yeah, my real name is Calvin Fornya.  Lame 
name."  The California Kid sighed.  "I guess I better go and meet with 

"Hey Calvin!" said the man who was the California Kid's Dad.  He 
appeared to have a big duffle bag beside him.  "Say -- you're Calvin's 
boss aren't you -- the Ninja Dude, right?  You know -- you look quite a 
bit taller on TV," he said looking at Kid Recap.  "I'm Hal E. Fornya! 
Congressman Hal E. Fornya, actually!  So -- you're a ninja!  I bet you 
must have like a trophy room full of severed human hearts!"

"umm," Kid Recap started to say.

"Dad!" said the college looking girl who was California Kid's sister. 
"Please, Mr. Ultimate Ninja -- I want to apologize for my Dad's 
culturally insensitive behavior.  The only time he has ever seen a Ninja 
American are in those horrible stereotype filled films where Ninja 
Americans do nothing except pull out human hearts and throw ninja bushes 
at their enemies.  It's horrible what Hollywood has done to your people. 
  And I want to apologize for our Capitalistic culture that has walked 
all over you.  And I want to applaud you for your everyday struggles in 
teaching us about the true spirit of the Ninja experience.  I'm Mallory, 

"Umm -- thanks.  It's no big deal though," said Kid Recap shaking 
Mallory's hand.

"So you don't have a trophy room full of severed hearts?" asked 
California Kid's Dad.

"Hal, please!" scolded the woman who was the California Kid's Mom.  "Oh, 
I'm Sally by the way -- Mr. Ultimate Ninja!"

"Your face looks familiar..." Kid Recap said trying to remember where he 
might have seen it.

"Oh, well -- I am a bit of an actress.  I've done a number of TV 
commercials.  And some soaps.  And oh yes -- I did quite a lot of porn 
in the early 80s."  California Kid's Mom gave Kid Recap a wink.

"Mom!" shouted both California Kid and his sister.

"Oh yeah that's it!  The..." Kid Recap hesitated as he looked at 
California Kid's glaring face.  "The Soap Operas -- Yeah, the Soaps -- 
that's where I've seen your face!"

"Say, Calvin?" said California Kid's Dad.  "Is there a place here where 
we could talk privately?  Man to man, you know?"

"Umm yeah -- I guess.  Say, umm Ninja Dude why don't you give my Mom and 
little sister a tour of this place?  You know -- as a favor to me?"

"I don't know -- Calvin.  Does that really seem like something, I, the 
leader of the LNH would do?  Give tours of the LNHQ?  It seems out of 
character," Kid Recap said being difficult.

"Please, dude?  This one time?"

"Fine."  Kid Recap sighed to himself.  "Come with me ladies."


"So, Dad?  Thought you were in Rehab.  What was it -- Meth with a Gay 
Prostitute rehab?"

"That was last summer, son.  Totally cured.  Even have a certificate 
that says I'm totally straight.  No, I was in Racist Joke rehab a week 
ago.  Learned this really funny knee-slapper from Don Imus.  Want to 
hear it?"

"Please, Dad..." the California Kid said with an embarrassed look.

"Okay.  Okay.  I guess we really need to get down to business.  This is 
why I came here."

Hal placed the big duffle bag he had on his son's bed.  "This," he said 
as he opened the bag.  Within the bag were a bunch of smaller bags 
filled with something that looked a lot like marijuana.

"Dude!  Dad!  You can't bring that stuff in here!  We've got rules 
against drugs and stuff here!  Well, rules against certain drugs -- 
steroids and the occasional joint are okay, but..."

"Look, son.  This isn't any ordinary weed.  This is superweed.  I stole 
it from the government.  This weed has the power to perform miracles."

"Umm -- miracles?  What are you talking about?"

"It can cure cancer.  It can cure disease.  It can regenerate body 
parts.  Smoke it enough times and you can stop the aging process.  And 
not only that but it can be turned into a cheap super fuel that can gas 
our cars without polluting the air.  And every nutrient your body needs 
can be found in this weed.  And if a person were to smoke this weed 
enough times it would eventually take that person's body to the next 
stage of evolution; turning men into supermen.  That's what this 
superweed is capable of."

"Dude!  You serious?  We got get this out to the people, dude!"

"No -- I'm afraid we can't do that son.  The people can never know about 

"Why not?"

"Because it would completely destroy the world.  It would completely 
wipe out the class structure of civilization.  It would turn the world 
into some goddamn Hippy Garden of Eden where money was completely 
meaningless.  Think about the health industry, Calvin!  Why buy health 
insurance if you can just smoke some pot and cure all of your illnesses? 
  It would completely destroy the economy.  And what happens to all of 
those senior citizens who refuse to die when it comes to Social 
Security.  And making pot legal?  Then everyone would smoke it!  No, 
son.  No one can ever know about this Superweed."

"So why are you showing it to me?"

"Because I need you to smuggle it for me to California.  I have a buyer 
over there interested in obtaining it."

"No way, Dad dude!  I'm a hero!  Not some drug smuggler!  Do it yourself!"

There was a sadness in the California Kid's Dad's eyes.  "I'm sorry.  I 
just can't.  I made this bet with this guy -- and I bet so much.  I bet 
this guy that my son could drive this pot in a car from Net.ropolis to 
Los Angeles in less than twelve hours."

"A twelve hour drive from Net.ropolis to LA?  That's impossible!  Why 
did you make that bet?"

"Because I was coked out of my mind, son!"

"What did you bet?"

"The house.  All the money.  Your Mom."

"My Mom?  You bet my Mom?!"

"Yeah.  And I kind of bet your sister.  And the dog."

"You bet the Skipper Dude?!  Wait.  Who were you betting with?"

"This guy by the name of..." CK's Dad paused and cleared his throat. 

"Satan?  The Satan Dude?  You made a bet with Satan?"

CK's Dad nodded weakly.

"Oh dude.  What do you get if you win?"

"My soul."  CK's Dad's eyes started to well up.  "My soul, son.  My 
goddamn soul."


"I don't know, CK," Kid Recap said after he heard the California Kid's 
account of what his Dad had told him.  "I don't think you can bet other 
people's souls.  Just your own.  I think your Dad is lying to you."

The California Kid looked down at the duffle bag.  "It doesn't matter. 
Even if he is double-dealing me -- I got to save him -- he's my Dad."

Kid Recap gave an understanding nod.  "You could use the LNH teleporter 
to transfer the weed."

"No.  The rules are that I have to drive it.  Can't even use a 
flight.thingee.  Just a car.  Wheels touching the road at all times. 
Those are the rules."

"In less than 12 hours?  I'm not sure that's possible.  You'd need to 
drive like 300 miles an hour.  I don't think the LNH has a car that goes 
that fast."

"Kid Kirby does."


Both of the heroes gazed at the technological monster that was Kid 
Kirby's car.  It kind of looked a bit like a Cadillac, but with all 
kinds of kibytech growing out of it.

"Are you sure we should be doing this?  Driving this without permission. 
  What would Kid Kirby...?"

"It's okay Dude!  I'll explain it to him when he comes back."

"But you're going to disappear at midnight!"

"Oh yeah.  Guess you're going to have to explain it to him.  Now how are 
we going to hot wire this baby?"

"I think I can help you with that," said a mysterious voice from behind 
the shadows.  Out stepped a big man wearing a trenchcoat.  He pulled out 
a big ass knife from his trenchcoat.

"The Knife Fight Dude!" California Kid said recognizing him.

"Who?" Kid Recap said trying to place the face.  "Oh yeah, I remember 
now.  You're that guy who always solves problems with knife fights. 
First appearance the Cauliflower miniseries.  What do you want?"

"To help.  You're off to battle Satan.  Aren't you?"

"Maybe," Kid Recap said reluctantly.

"You see this?"  The Knife Fight Dude pointed to a spot on his head 
where an ear should have been.  "Lost it in a knife fight.  A knife 
fight with Satan!  You don't know what you're facing.  But I do.  I know 
how his mind works.  I can help you beat him.  But you're going to need 
to buy some stuff first."

"Umm -- what kind of stuff, dude?"

"Guns.  Lots of guns.  And rubber-tubing.  And a sledge hammer.  And 
some duct tape.  And some pepper spray.  And some snacks.  Lots of 
snacks!  And diapers!!"

"Diapers?" asked Kid Recap.

The Knife Fight Dude nodded.  "It's going to be a long road trip."


"Guns 'n Diapers Mart? Guns 'n Diapers Mart?  We're in a store called 
Guns 'n Diapers Mart?" said a rather disturbed Kid Recap as he browsed 
the aisles.

"You got a problem with that?" said a slightly irritated Knife Fight 
Dude.  "Sometimes a person needs Guns and Diapers!  That's just the way 
life is!"  The Knife Fight Dude began wielding his knife in an agitated 

"Okay, man.  Chill out.  Just chill out.  Let's just buy stuff and get 
on the road.  Okay?" said Kid Recap trying to not get stabbed in any 
part of his body.

"Dude.  We've got a problem."  The California Kid pointed his hand 
towards a very old guy who seemed to be sticking up the cashier.

The robber wore a black cowboy hat and had a red bandanna over his 
mouth.  He had turquoise bolo tie around his neck.  His shirt was a 
"Wallace and Ladmo" shirt.  And it had an 'Elect Alice Cooper for 
President' button attached to it.  And the color of his gun was copper. 
  The robber glanced over into the direction of heroes.  "You!" he said 
with a voice that sounded like Barry Goldwater.  "My greatest 
arch-enemy!  The California Kid!"

The California Kid gave a nod.  "The Arizona Kid."

"Well -- if it ain't the California Kid and his LNH posse!  So -- you 
looking for a showdown?  Or maybe you're ready to give up your Colorado 
River rights?"

"Never!  The Colorado River is mine, dude!"

"We'll see about that city slicker.  Get ready and draw!"

"Wait!" the Knife Fight Dude said trying to bring a little sanity to the 
proceedings.  "Let's just calm down.  I'm sure there's another way we 
can solve this problem.  Some sensible way.  A rational way."

"Like what way do you reckon, pardner?" the Arizona Kid said in a 
curious manner.

"Like with a..." suddenly the Knife Fight Dude pulled a big ass knife 
out of his trenchcoat.  "KNIFE FIGHT!!!!!!"  And then the Knife Fight 
Dude repeatedly stabbed the Arizona Kid with that same knife in a savage 

"Dude.  You totally killed my greatest arch-enemy, dude!"

"Yes, sorry about that."  The Knife Fight Dude gazed at his bloody 
hands.  "You're going to have to go on without me.  The Cops are coming. 
  I'll explain everything to them.  Go!  Stop Satan!"

"Umm.  Okay dude."  Then Kid Recap and the California Kid went to the 
check-out counter to purchase their items and then they hopped into Kid 
Kirby's car and hit the highway.


4 hours later...

The California Kid looked at his watch.  "Man, this car is like totally 
fast!  We're already in California!  And we still have like eight hours 
to kill!  Dude this is totally -- oh wait.  Just remembered something." 
  The California Kid slapped himself in the face.

"What?  What's wrong?"

"We forgot the Superweed!!!  It's back at the LNHHQ!!!!"

"Oh Jesus."  Kid Recap shook his head.

"Relax, dude.  Still got eight hours.  Just need to go back to Net.ropolis."


Image:  A Map of the United States.  A Tiny little car representing Kid 
Recap and the California Kid's progress on the map.  An image of the car 
going from California to Net.ropolis again in a dotted line.  Sound 
Effects of a car driving with police cars chasing it.

End of Image.


4 hours later...

"Okay, dude.  We're back in the LNHHQ.  Just need to get that bag of 
Superweed and..."  But before the two heroes could do that they 
encountered a koala dressed up like some Roman centurion wielding some 
type of ray gun.

"Halt Heroes!  I am Kal-Sor-Ran the Devastator!!  I have come here to 
conquer your pathetic little planet and make it a part of the 
Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire!!  Are you the one they 
call the Ultimate Ninja?"

Kid Recap sighed to himself.  He was still dressed in an Ultimate Ninja 
costume.  "Yes.  That would be me."

"There are two ways that we can handle this," Kal-Sor-Ran continued. 
"We can attack you with our overwhelming space fleet in which case 
millions will probably die or we, the two champions of our respected 
races, could decide who will win the war with an arm wrestling contest!! 
  It is your decision Earthling!"

"An arm wrestling contest?"  Kid Recap thought about it for a second.

"Dude, you can so take this guy!" the California Kid said in a 
reassuring way to Kid Recap.

"Okay then.  I accept your challenge."


10 minutes later...

"And we will expect a yearly tribute of a million of your finest 
eucalyptus trees and a million of your sexiest female koalas."  With 
that said Kal-Sor-Ran transported himself away.

Kid Recap rubbed his arm.  "I can't believe I just lost the planet Earth 
to a koala!"

"Dude, relax.  We can solve this whole being conquered by an 
Intergalactic Empire problem some other time.  We need to get the 
Superweed to California!  In four more hours it will be midnight!"

Kid Recap sighed to himself.


And that's basically how I got to where I am right now.  Hovering over 
the Grand Canyon.  Do I have anything else to add?  Nope.  I guess I'm 
finished with this recap.  And I can start screaming again.


"Aaaahhahahahahhgggghghghhghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kid Recap.

<<This is the Car's Computer speaking.  It appears we are plummeting to 
our death.  Would the driver like the anti-gravity stabilizers to be 
turned on?>>

"Umm -- Sure Computer Dude."  And the car stopped falling and began 
floating in mid-air.

"Thanks Computer Dude.  You Okay Kid Recap?"

"Are we dead yet?  Are we dead yet?" said a trembling Kid Recap.

"Not yet.  Okay Computer Dude.  Let's get this baby to California!"


11:45 PM California Time

"You know, CK?  I just realized something.  You should have disappeared 
by now.  It's already tomorrow in Net.ropolis."

"Yeah, I know dude.  But I'm always on California Time.  Well, we're 
here.  Pacific Coast Highway.  Malibu, California."  The California Kid 
parked the car next to the street.  "California.  Been along time since 
I've been here."

"Actually we were here like eight hours ago."

"Oh yeah.  Forgot about that."

A black limousine pulled up close to them.  It smelled of brimstone. 
Out of it stepped a large beast.  The Beast was dressed in Versace 
leather and had a white pimp hat.  Gigantic Red Horns stabbed out of the 
hat.  The rest of him was red too.  And his feet were cloven hooves. 
Each step he made seemed to melt the ground and cause the earth to 
whimper.  The Rolling Stones 'Sympathy for the Devil' started to play. 
Satan had arrived.

The two heroes loaded their guns and then stepped out of the car with 
the big duffle bag.

Cautiously the two walked over to where Satan was standing.

"Is that the Superweed?" said Satan.  "Bring it over here.  I want to 
sample it."

The California Kid dropped the bag near Satan's feet and then unzipped 
the bag.  Satan grabbed one of the bags and tore it open.  And then he 
rolled himself a joint.  With a snap of his fingers a flame jutted out 
lighting the joint.

Satan took a drag.  "Oh yeah.  That's the @#&*!  That's humanities 
utopian dream burning up!!  Damn, this is the best!  Well, looks like 
I'll be on my way.  Thanks for the stuff."

"Wait!  What about my Dad's soul?"

"I'm sorry.  But you broke the rules.  You were supposed to just drive 
here.  But.  Well -- there's that whole thing with flying over the Grand 
Canyon.  Sorry -- Rules are Rules."  Satan zipped up the bag and started 
to head towards his limo.

"No Way, Dude!  You're going to give me my Dad's soul, Satan!  You're 
going to give it to me now!"

Satan laughed and then he turned around.  "Really now.  What are you 
going to do to me?  Dude me to death?  I'm Satan, you fool!  The Prince 
of Darkness!  Ruler of Hell!  Emperors and Popes have kissed my feet! 
You are a speck on the eye of a speck compared to me!"

"Dude.  Oh dude.  This isn't Hell, Satan.  Maybe everywhere else I'm 
just this slacker type who says the word dude over and over again.  But 
here.  In this place I have power.  This is the heart of my power.  This 
is my Kingdom."

Suddenly, the sound of "Sympathy for the Devil" was absorbed by the 
music of the Beach Boy's "California Girls".

"My power stretches back before the '49 gold rush.  Before the Spanish 
Conquistadors.  Before even the La Brea Tar Pits were formed."

The California Kid began to levitate off the ground.

"I am the burning sand of Death Valley.  I am the towering red wood 
forests.  I am inescapable Alcatraz.  I am LA traffic.  I am the San 
Andreas Fault."

The ground began to shake.

"I am the botox injected faces of every celebrity.  I the length of time 
experienced watching the Academy Awards.  I am Barry Bonds's steroids."

Kid Recap looked in horror as the California Kid's body started to swell 
up.  He was starting to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I am the LA riots.  I am the OJ Simpson Trial.  I am the 2003 
California Recall Election.  I am Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch."

The fabric of reality in the California sky started to tear apart. 
Psychedelic colors began to leak out.

Satan put his hands on his head and screamed.  A normal mind would have 
been incredibly fried at this point.  But even Satan's head -- a head 
that contained all of the sins ever committed and every horrible deed -- 
couldn't contain the full Californication that was being shoved into his 
head.  "What are you -- Doing?  Stop!  Can't take it!  This can't be 
happening!  Oh hell!  The word Gnarly!  I understand what it means!  No! 
  I don't want to understand it!  No!  Please!!!"

"I'm every Hollywood Ending where Good triumphs over Evil and the dork 
gets the hot supermodel."

Satan was down on his knees.  He started to cough up something.  It was 
red.  It was jam.  Strawberry Jam.  Knott's Berry Farm Strawberry Jam. 
"What are you doing to me?  Stop -- Please!  Can't take anymore!"

The California Kid took off his way-cool sunglasses.  The California Sun 
blazed out of his eyes.  "Dude.  I'm the California Kid.  And you're So 

"I give in!!  You can have it!!  Your father's soul!!  It's yours!! 
Just stop it!!  Please!!  I beg you!!"  Satan quickly rushed to his limo 
and took out a glass jar.  He handed the jar over to the California Kid.

"It doesn't matter anyway.  I've got billions of souls.  One soul 
doesn't matter.  And I've got the Superweed.  Humanity's last chance to 
achieve paradise.  Have your Dad's soul, California Kid.  I imagine it 
will come to me again sometime in the future."  Satan laughed and then 
grabbed the duffle bag full of Superweed.

The California Kid looked into the jar.  There was his Dad's soul.  His 
Dad's soul kind of looked like a colorful pig with wings.  He just 
stared at it for awhile.  "Why, Dad?  Why do you do this?  Why can't you 
stop and --?"

The California Kid shook his head.  And then he opened the jar.  The pig 
with wings flew out of it.  Up into the sky.  And away.  "You're free, 
Dad.  You're free."  A tear fell out of his eye.  And then he disappeared.

And right as the California Kid vanished a swarm of police cars and 
helicopters suddenly appeared.

<<Everyone!!  Put down your guns!!  You are all under arrest!!  Lay down 
your weapons!!  And get on the ground!!  Slowly!!>> shouted a mega-phone 
coming from one of the helicopters.

"Oh Jesus."  Kid Recap put up his hands and slowly got to the ground.

"What the --?  You can't arrest me!!  I'm Satan!!"

<<Mr. Satan!!  Put your hands up and Get on the ground!!>>

"You can't do this to me!!  I'm Satan!!  I built this Country!!  I made 
America Great!!  I'll sue you all!!"

"You have the right to remain silent, Satan.  Anything you say may be 
used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an --"

"Lay off me, Sugar Tits!!  I'll have you know that I'm good friends with 
the President!!  You're all going to be fired!!  I pay taxes!!  No, I'm 
not going to take a breathalyzer test!! I'm Satan!!!!!"

After awhile the cops handcuffed Satan and drove him away in the back of 
a police cruiser.  Two FBI agents interrogated Kid Recap.

"So you're saying that Acton Lord used his mind-control voodoo rays on 
you all through this ordeal."

"Yep.  That's about right."

"And the California Kid.  He was actually an alien shapeshifter?"

"Yep.  That's my story."

"Well, I guess that makes sense.  Anything else we should know?"

Kid Recap though about it.  "Nope.  I don't think so.  Oh, yeah!  What's 
going to happen with the Superweed?"

"Superweed?  There is no Superweed.  There never was any Superweed. 
It's best that you don't even think of the word 'Superweed'."  With that 
the two FBI agents left the scene.

"Whatever."  Kid Recap looked around.  He was still in Malibu.  Wearing 
an Ultimate Ninja costume.  And a diaper.  It was strange how the police 
had easily taken care of Satan.  It must have been the lingering effect 
of California Kid's 'Hollywood Ending' powers.  And then he noticed that 
he was all alone.  The police were all gone and had confiscated Kid 
Kirby's car and Satan's limo.  He'd have to call for a flight.thingee. 
He took out his com.thingee.  Damn.  It seemed to be broken.  Guess he'd 
have to hitch hike to a phone.

And as he pulled out his thumb and waved it in the air, a car came by. 
It was a red corvette filled with hot supermodels with enough room for 
just one person.  "Need a lift?" said a sexy Swedish voice.

"Yeah.  Thanks."  Kid Recap hopped right in.

And the car drove off into the California Night.

And the Beat Farmer's song 'The California Kid' played away on the radio.


The California Kid......................Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
Kid Recap...............................Josh Geurink
New Look Lass...........................Charles Fitzgerald
Satan...................................Guy who wrote the
The Knife Fight Dude....................Arthur Spitzer
Congressman Hal E Fornya................Arthur Spitzer
Sally Fornya............................Arthur Spitzer
Mallory Fornya..........................Arthur Spitzer
Skipper Dude............................Arthur Spitzer
Computer Dude...........................Arthur Spitzer
Kal-Sor-Ran.............................Arthur Spitzer
Arizona Kid.............................Arthur Spitzer
Superweed...............................The Evil Government
Sugar Tits..............................Mel Gibson
Ultimate Ninja costume..................New Look Lass
Kirby's Car.............................Kid Kirby
Director................................Arthur Spitzer
Writer..................................Arthur Spitzer
Crossover Concept.......................Tom Russell and
                                         Rob Rogers
Legion of Net.Heroes....................Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
                                         and a cast of

Writer's Notes:

Well, damn -- it's been 15 years.  What can I say?  15 years ago a man 
by the name of Dan'l Danehy-Oakes posted a reply to some spelling error 
correction, which started the avalanche known as the LNH.  Who's to say 
what might have happened if he hadn't written that post.  Perhaps we'd 
all be Superguy writers or something.  Who knows.

But he did.  And now it's fifteen years and a thousand stories later 
(well I don't know how many stories there really are, but a thousand 
seems like a good number).  I wonder what ol' Dan'l would make of this 
ungodly beast.

Of course Dan'l Danehy-Oakes also created the Character the California 
Kid in the same post (I guess though Spelling Boy would technically be 
the first LNH'r).  The California Kid's original power was to read 
commix weeks after everyone else has discussed 'em.  And sometime after 
that he became known for using Dude in almost every sentence.  Not too 
much was ever done with fleshing him out.

The Roster had his name being Brian West, but I'm not sure if that info 
ever appeared in any story.  This isn't a great story.  At the end of it 
I was just madly typing just to get it finished with so I could start 
writing the Cannon Fodder issue (which I'm madly typing away as we speak).

As for California Kid's god like abilities he displays here I figure 
that he can only do this stuff in California.  The rest of the world 
he's just this slacker who says the word dude.  But I figured every 
LNH'r deserves their own mythic moment.

Man, 15 years.

The Cannon Fodder issue should be closer to the more traditional type of 
story celebrating the LNH's rich 15 year history.  Whenever that comes out.

This story on the other hand is about the California Kid.  So there you 
go, dudes.

Arthur "Californicated" Spitzer

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