LNH: LNH Comics Presents #57: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig Ep.22
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sun Apr 22 14:45:58 PDT 2007
Almost forgot that Jamas asked me to post this....
LNH Comics Presents #57
Infinite Leadership Cry.sig Ep.22
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad faced the hat before him like a challenger
on a duelling field. "Right then," he muttered, rolling up one sleeve to
free up his overly dexterous hand. "Let's see what you really got."
Plunging his hand into the hand, he ruffled around until he got hold on
the piece of paper that really felt right, and pulled it out.
"Oh. Special Bonding Boy!" he announced.
All the LNHers turned to see Special Bonding Boy with his hands
clasped together and eyes open wide. "That's super. You choose me!"
Clapping his hands, SBB made his first leadership announcement. "Okay
everyone, gather in close... come on... get in there... you can get
closer... right, now... everybody HUG! That's it, group hug!... Come on
guys... Hey, I'm the leader now! If I say, group hug, then group hug!"
SBB basked in the feelings of friendship and uncomfortable
boundary invasion. It was good to be him.
Special Bonding Boy was examining a map of Ame.rec.a when he heard the
knocking. Looking up, he saw Browsing Boy at the door, his face pale.
"Uh, SBB, I think you should come to the Monitoring Room."
SBB nodded, but on reaching Browsing Boy's position, he reached
over and gave his fellow LNHer another hug. "Come on, pulling together
we can overcome this situation."
Browsing Boy smiled weakly. "Thanks for that, but we'd better go.
This is important!"
In the Monitoring Room, the main screen was showing space. Dark,
black, cold space. And a huge battleship, bristling with weapons and on
a direct course for Looni.Earth. "Who are they?"
"They're Dorfs, dude," California Kid replied. "They, like, turned
up on our screens about an hour ago and stuff. They, like, want to come
and destroy the Looni.Earth or something."
Special Bonding Boy put a hand on the LNHer's shoulder. "That's
fine, California Kid. I think I know what they really need. How long
until they get here?"
"About ten hours," Browsing Boy supplied. "After that whole
Inhilator business, we'd rather not face another invasion though."
"Then we've got a bit of time for another plan I have in mind.
Please let me know when they're closer. And, guys? You're doing great!"
An hour later, three LNHers had been called to the cafeteria, but now
the tables were covered with maps of Ame.rec.a, some maps general in
nature, some specific to Net.ropolis.
"Wow. Quite some plans you have there, Bondy," Squeaky Clean
commented. "Got a great idea to find our leaders?"
"Oh, I've got plans all right," said Special Bonding Boy, "and
we've only got a few hours to implement them well."
"Sounds good. What's the deal?"
"I envision three teams. Squeaky Clean, you'll be here in
Net.ropolis, leading the taskforce here. Pizza Girl, I want you over in
Cal.net.fornia organising the starting effort there. I suggest
contacting the Eyrie in Stanford to start gathering helpers. Steak and
Potatoes Man, I want you in #FFFF00stone Park."
"Sounds like a heck of a job. What are we doing?"
"Squeaky Clean, you'll be overseeing the clean-up efforts of our
fair city. Pizza Girl, I can get several Hands-Across-America groups
talking to each other, but you'll need to make sure they start off all
right. Steak and Potatoes Man, you'll have the biggest team because
there are so many trees."
"Yes, I can see how... what?"
"Come on, we've only got a few hours, we've got to hurry, people!"
Special Bonding Boy actually rolled his eyes at this. "Don't you
know? Today is Looni.Earth Day! We've got to give our environment a
great big hug just as hard as we can. Squeaky Clean, you can help me
keep Ame.rec.a beautiful. Pizza Girl, with Hands-Across-America we can
bring everyone in this nation together. Steak and Potatoes Man, when you
hug a tree, you're hugging the Looni.Earth. It doesn't get any better
The three LNHers stared at Special Bonding Boy, but looking deep
into those soulful eyes, they just couldn't bring themselves to point
out how insane this idea was.
"California Kid, good to see you still working," Special Bonding Boy
said, returning to the Monitoring Room. "How're the Dorfs coming along?"
"They are now in communication range," California Kid responded.
"They are demanding to talk to the leader."
"The leader of the country?"
California Kid shrugged. "Doesn't say, dude. No-one's said nothing
yet. Probably waiting for the LNH to take the lead."
"Then let's not disappoint. Put them on screen."
There were a few moments as a connection was made. The screen
futzed and flickered as sub-etheric beams intertwined according to
string theory and eventually a picture formed on the LNH Monitor. That
of a squat angry Dorf.
"We demand to speak to the leader!"
"This is Special Bonding Boy. I am the current leader of the
Legion of Net.Heroes. Please tell me why you have come here."
"We come looking for challenge, and for conquest. We have heard of
the Legion, and will test our mettle against yours. We will destroy you
with our might."
"That sounds fine," Special Bonding Boy replied, earning a
surprised look from California Kid. "If you arrive here, we can talk
about this in person."
"We will kill you in person!" the Dorf responded. "But, as a sign
of respect towards your impending doom, we will meet you where you ask."
"That's great. California Kid, can you give them the
"Um. Sure. I guess."
"Then until we meet," the Dorf said, grinning, showing far too
Steak and Potatoes Man looked around him at the mighty forest he was
surrounded in. There was something special about just standing here,
taking this work of nature in. He breathed deeply, and sighed.
"So what the frak are we doing here?" a voice complained.
Knowing it was too good to be true, Steak and Potatoes Man turned
around to view the many LNHers with him, as well as several other groups
of people (many of whom could, in his opinion, use a haircut) that had
gathered here after hearing about their mission.
"We are going to hug trees," Steak and Potatoes Man announced,
already hearing his heart sink at the idea.
"You cannot be serious," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy said. "There
ain't no way I'm going to act like a commie pinko pussy-man." Many
others nodded with his sentiment (if not exactly agreeing with his
choice of words).
"Do you not like Ame.rec.a?" the Man of Plain but Sturdy Meals
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy's eyes narrowed. "Say that again and I'm
calling Homeland Security on you."
"These trees are on Ame.rec.an soil. These trees are, and have
been for many years more than you, Ame.rec.an. Hugging them is hugging
"Well... it still sounds like an unnatural activity."
"Now... where did I put it...?" Steak and Potatoes Man patted his
pockets until he found the piece of paper. "I have instructions on what
to do if anyone didn't want to help out." Extracting the paper, he read
it, and rolled his eyes. Of course.
"Come here," he motioned for Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy to come to
him. Slowly, suspiciously, OABoy did. Ever so hesitantly, Steak and
Potatoes Man reached out and put his arms around Ame.rec.a's Favourite
Son and then squeezed tightly.
At first there was resistance, but Steak and Potatoes Man kept up
the hug. Finally, "All right. Let's go hug trees. But only Ame.rec.an
PR Kid spotted Special Bonding Boy as he came out of the teleport room
and hurriedly crossed over to him. "Hey, SBB, I need to talk to you
about the LNH dice deal. I nearly got Self-Righteous Preacher to sign,
but then he disappeared. I... SBB?" PR Kid finally noticed the sole tear
trailing down SBB's cheek.
"Why?" Special Bonding Boy asked.
"SBB? You alright?" In a rare moment of actually noticing someone
else, PR Kid added, "You look like you need a hug."
"I... visited the Virginia Tech memorial..."
"What? You should have said you were going! I could have organised
some coverage from the local papers, get some face time on TV, perhaps
Before PR Kid could even blink, Special Bonding Boy had moved. PR
Kid was slammed against a wall, and could do no more than stare into
"No. More. Press," SBB hissed. "We are fragile creatures, making
our way across this world, reaching out to others, wanting to be loved,
to experience joy, to live out our lives without being hounded or made
into a public spectacle. We in the LNH choose this life. Cho Seung-Hui
choose his. And as a human being, he was just as fragile as everyone
else. And in his fragile state, people died that day, an event we can
"But what we will not do is prey upon those emotions. We will not
use those people as an excuse to vent rabid ideas that condemn groups of
people just because they shared some biological trait with that poor
man. We will not show images of mourning thousands just to lead the news
and make sure ratings are high.
"We will not judge those involved. But we will judge ourselves. Is
there something more we could have done? If one person had had a kinder
word for him, would this have happened? If our culture wasn't so screwed
up, would he still be here?
"Maybe. Maybe not. The answers are not easy. But they are for us
to search for, and not fodder for prime time."
PR Kid dangled helplessly, held up by Special Bonding Boy's grip
and transfixed by his words. After a moment, the anger faded from SBB's
face, and he set PR Kid down.
"Please... I'm sorry about that... I shouldn't have..."
"No, no, I shouldn't have suggested anything. You're right..."
"Can we hug and make up?"
"Only if people are watching."
Squeaky Clean paused for a moment to breathe and wipe the sweat from his
brow. He had picked up many cleaning tips from his mentor, but cleaning
up an entire city was an extensive job, even for him and his crew. And
it didn't help that the city reconstructed itself continually to fit
narrative need or authorial whim.
"Squeaky Clean, you're doing fantastic work. How's it coming
The Cleanliness Kid looked around to see, as he expected from the
voice, Special Bonding Boy approaching. But what he wasn't expecting was
the figure beside him. Squeaky guessed it was a man, but underneath the
long mattered hair it was hard to be sure. The clothes gave of an odour
that immediately made Squeaky want to reach for his freshener (which
was, unfortunately, in another cart at the moment), and he hoped the
string was strong enough to keep the clothes tied together.
"We've still got several sections to go. There are a lot of us,
but this is a big city. We haven't even touched the Hovel Homes yet."
"Ah, now there I think I can help you. Allow me to introduce the
leader of the Net.ropolis group of the Homeless Ones."
The man held out a hand which, after Special Bonding Boy glared at
him commandingly, Squeaky Clean shook with his. The new smells that
generated made his eyes water.
"The Homeless Ones are, well, homeless that have organised
themselves. And I've talked to them and they are willing to help our
"After what Steak and Potatoes Man achieved the other day, they
felt they should contribute more. And I've made provisions for more
homeless shelters to be opened up."
"That's fantastic! I think we can get this done after all!"
Squeaky Clean reached out and slapped the man on his back companionly.
They all spent the next ten minutes coughing.
Special Bonding Boy stood on the steps of the LNHQ, watching as the Dorf
battlecruiser descended onto the (surprisingly large enough) LNHQ lawn.
The afternoon sun hung heavy, proving a back light that made the ship
all the more menacing.
The main hatch unfolded, reaching down to crush the grass beneath
its metal footprint, and the leader stood in the opening, bathed in the
harsh red light that spilled from the interior of the ship.
"We come to destroy," the leader announcing, striding forward
"We are here to understand," returned Special Bonding Boy, also
striding forwards, but with his arms open wide.
(Up in one of the rooms overlooking the lawn, Sarcastic Lad
snickered. "I doubt we'll wonder why this leader disappeared.")
The leader raised a armour encased hand, ready to strike Special
Bonding Boy down as soon as he was near enough. "We will kill you all."
Special Bonding Boy halted just outside of the leader's range. He
smiled beatifically. "Do you really want to do this?"
"Do you really want to kill us all?"
"Well... you know... I'm a Dorf. That's what we do."
"But is it really what you want to do? You can tell me. I'll
"Well... um... the killing thing... it is fun, don't get me
wrong... but... you know... sometimes... I just..."
"Wonder if there isn't something more we could do?"
Special Bonding Boy closed the distance, took the leader's arm,
and led him back towards the ship. "There is something, if you are
willing, you could help me with."
Pizza Girl was really fired up about this now, but it was looking like
everything was going to fall apart. Her cell phone rang, and she
answered it to hear Special Bonding Boy's greeting of "Hello, Pizza
Girl. That's a fine chain of hands you're putting together there.
Everything coming along all right?"
"Uh, well... I'm currently in Paradise, Nevada," Pizza Girl
responded. "We've got a slight problem. There are plenty of people who
are willing, but we just can't get them into place to fill in the gaps.
There's lots of desert here with hardly anyone able to fill them up!"
"Don't worry, Pizza Girl. Help is on the way. Just let them know
where you need them to fill in. They're homing in on your signal and
should be there any minute."
There was a low roaring noise and dust started to fly. Looking up,
Pizza Girl saw a large battle cruiser block out the sun on the horizon.
It slowly landed on the edge of the town and within moments Pizza Girl
found herself facing a platoon of Dorf, with many more in eye's view.
The leader reached out to her. "Take my hand. I'm a stranger in
"...ladies and gentlemen, despite the many years I have spent behind the
newsdesk, I have never seen anything like this. Right now the camera is
panning across the immense miles of people who poured out today at less
than a moments notice to join in on this Looni.Earth day to form one
long unbroken chain of hands stretching out across Ame.rec.a. It's truly
one of the most heart-warming sights these eyes have ever seen.
"And in the top corner there, you can see continual footage of
#FFFF00stone Park, where dozens of LNHers have been joined by hundreds
of people. There are so many people, some trees now have two people
"Also available on our sister feed, images from Net.ropolis. I tell
you, that city has never looked so beautiful before.
"Ladies and gentlemen, truly a wondrous moment. There is no sign
of anyone going home anytime soon, although night has already fallen.
This is one for the record books."
Special Bonding Boy sat in front of the TV screen, sitting by himself in
a darkened room, waiting for the final minutes to pass by before he too
disappeared. He could feel the love all around him, just as real as the
tears on his cheek.
Although he would vanish, possibly never to return, he knew he had
left the world a better place...
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