LNH: LNH Comics Presents #54.5: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig #19.5

EDMLite robrogers72 at gmail.com
Wed Apr 18 21:56:44 PDT 2007

    The walls of Legion of Net.Heroes
Headquarters shook as the first of Mother
Time's salvos struck the building.  Before
the Legion's astonished eyes, the white
corridors and grey blast doors of the
complex shivered into wood paneling, gas
Tiffany lamps and angular leather furniture.

    "By Roosevelt's spinning wheels of
democracy!" Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue
gasped.  "She's de-aged the building itself
back to the days when it was the Net.ropolis
Grand Hotel."

    "Have you noticed," Easily-Discovered Man
Lite said, flipping a coin into a burnished-
chrome fountain in the shape of two dolphins
that had appeared in the middle of the lobby,
"that every time Mother Time shows up, she's
exponentially more powerful than she was

    "Part of the super-villain code, my lad,"
Easily-Discovered Man explained.  "With each
meeting, both hero and villain must carry
their skills and showmanship to the next
level, else either appear incompetent or
ill-prepared in the eyes of the other... or,
mayhap, the world!"

    "Then how are we supposed to take her?"
Ripping Dancer asked.  "I'm not feeling any
more powerful than I was this afternoon."

    "We do it by KICKING SOME ASS," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.

    "There are more of us than there are of
her," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl pointed
out.  "I usually work one-on-one, but we
could always just overwhelm her with sheer

    "That's *@#$%^& brilliant!" said Innovative-
Offense Boy, joining them in the lobby.
"Jean, I think I have a plan.  If I could borrow
the Obnoxious #$%^& Ame.rec.a Boys for a

    "But the ASS KICKING!  The ASS KICKING!"

    "Take them," Ordinary Lady said, "and
Godspeed."  She watched until the three heroes
had left the room before turning to the others.

    "Special-Bonding Boy, do what you can to
protect Adamant-Authority-On-Everything," she
said.  "Linguist Lass, see if you can rouse
Pulls-Paper Out-Of-Hats Lad from the infirmary.
We may need him before long.  The rest of you,
follow me."

    "So there you are," Mother Time said, as
Ordinary Lady entered the hotel courtyard.
"Hand over the hourglass, and maybe I'll leave
you with some part of your body that isn't

    "Time out," Ordinary Lady said, dropping
a pair of gas grenades from her hands.
"WikiBoy!  Dancer!  Take them!"

    "Ooh!  Chlorobenzalmalononitrile!  Nasty
stuff," Mother Time said, the blade of her
scythe sparkling through the cloud of gas.  "But
not so much, once I rewind it back to its
component parts.  And the same is true for you,"
she said, pointing the scythe at WikiBoy.

    "Egad!  She is using her weapon to undo
each of WikiBoy's edits... taking him back
further and further into his own history!"
Easily-Discovered Man cried.

    "If she takes him back far enough, she'll
get past the prohibition that allows only
LNH members to edit him, and will be able to
alter him herself," Ordinary Lady said.
"Dancer!  Stop her!"

    The woman called Ripping Dancer began to
gyrate -- slowly at first, and then with
renewed confidence and grace, her shapely
figure undulating in time to a steady,
pulsating rhythm.  Cracks opened within
the sidewalk in front of her, spreading
to the pavement and knocking Mother Time off
her feet.

    "Now's our chance!  Go!"  Ordinary Lady
cried, as Lite helped a badly-rattled WikiBoy
back to the hotel lobby.

    Ordinary Lady, Easily-Discovered Man and
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl rushed
forward, as Mother Time struggled to right

    "Always be mindful of your surroundings,"
Mother Time said, aiming her scythe at the
pavement in front of her.  With a sound like
several thousand hornets hissing through their
spiracles, the ground sizzled and returned
to some far-off time when it had been a tar pit.

    "Look out!" Ordinary Lady said -- but
while her agility allowed her to jump clear,
neither Easily-Discovered Man nor Sleeps-With
Anything-Alive Girl were as lucky.

    "Perfidious petroleum!" Easily-Discovered
Man said, as the black ooze clung to his boots
and glowing cape.  "To be bogged down at a
time like this...!

    "This sucks," Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive
Girl agreed.

    "And as for you," Mother Time said,
turning her weapon toward Ripping Dancer,
"it's time to take you from 33 1/3 to 45."

    Her scythe fired again, and Ripping
Dancer found her legs spasming out of

    "She's a maniac!  A maniac on the floor!"
cried Easily-Discovered Man Lite, emerging
from the hotel lobby.  "And she's dancing
like she's never danced before!"

    "And now it's just us," Mother Time said,
turning to Ordinary Lady.

    "I wouldn't have it any other way,"
Ordinary Lady said, drawing her sword.

    *         *         *

    "So what's this 'ultimate weapon' you're
planning to use against Mother Time?"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue asked, as they
entered one of the lesser-used corridors of
the headquarters-turned-hotel.  Empty boxes,
bits of insulation and half-crushed cans of
Mr. Paprika lay everywhere, the result of an
entire week without the presence of
Captain Cleanup.

    "Potentially the most devastating
*@#$%^& force ever assembled within these
walls," said Innovative-Offense Boy.  "If
we can figure out how to motivate them."

    "So where the Hell (TM) is it?" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a. Boy Red asked.

    "Look the *@#$%^& up," Innovative-Offense
Boy said.

    The two patriotic heroes did, their mouths
hanging open in unison.  The corridor opened
into a small chapel -- once the exclusive
domain of the Self-Righteous Preacher, now
the home of thousands upon thousands of
fuzzy green kiwis.

    "You can't be *@#$%^& serious," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.

    "Most of them have had *@#$%^& military
training," Innovative-Offense Boy said.
"Mother Time seems to be able to react fast
enough to take out any one of us, maybe any
dozen of us.  But there's no *@#$%^&* way
she'd be able to stop an army this size."

    "So do we just flap our arms?" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.  "What kinds of
natural predators do they have?"

    "Leopard seals, right?" Obnoxious Ame.
rec.a Boy Red said.  "Or is it tigers?"

    "There are no tigers in Net.Zealand,"
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue chided.

    "Oh, right.  That place.  Part of
Alt.stralia, right?  Where that guy who
directed those Dungeons & Dragons movies
came from?"

    A rustling sound spread through the
massive flock of kiwis.  Innovative-Offense
Boy slowly backed away from the two Ame.rec.an

    "It's not part of Alt.stralia!" Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Blue corrected.  "It's a
sovereign nation, home to... I don't know.
Sheep and rugby, I suppose."

    The fluttering above their heads became
louder, forcing Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red
to shout in order to make himself heard.

    "Rugby?  What the Hell (TM) kind of sport
is that?" he asked, as the kiwis began to stir.

    "True," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.
"It's not what one might call a proper sport,
like baseball."

    "You're damn right it's not," Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.  "Do they have a World
Series in rugby?  Or a Winston Cup?  Now
NASCAR....THAT's a sport!"

    "I suppose there was that World Cup back in
1987," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.
"But that was a long time ago, and anyway, it
was probably a lucky..."

    "KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIIII!" screamed the assembled
mass of fluffy green birds, finally driven into
a murderous rage.  Seeing the feathered tide
sweep down from the rafters, the pews, the pulpit
and the organ pipes, Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys Red
and Blue did the only sensible thing they could
and ran for their lives.

    "I *@#$%^& love it when a plan comes together,"
Innovative-Offense Boy said.

    *         *         *

    "Time to wrap this case up," Ordinary Lady
said, raising a pair of handcuffs over a prone
Mother Time.

    The clock tower overlooking Four Color Square
began to strike midnight.

    "Ow!  Hey!  What's the rush?  You need to
be somewhere?" Mother Time said.

    "I need to..." Ordinary Lady began.

    The handcuffs clattered to the ground.

    "Well, that was a lucky break, whatever
that was," Mother Time said, picking up her
scythe from the ground and walking past the
splayed bodies of Easily-Discovered Man,
Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl, and Ripping
Dancer.  She pushed on the heavy brass rail
that opened the doors of the Net.ropolis
Grand Hotel.

    "Lite!  Stop her!" Easily-Discovered Man

   "I'll try, Prof," Lite said.  "But you
know what they say... Time, untied, waits
for no man."

    "And now, to take possession of my...
what in the world?" she said, as the hotel's
hallways echoed with a distant thunder.

    "Gangway!" screamed Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy Red, as he and Blue raced past.

    "Well, that was rude," Mother Time said.
"I was expecting more of a WHAT IN THE LIVING

    "KIIIIIIIII-WIIIIII!" cried the onrushing
tidal wave of kiwis.

    *         *         *

    "And so it's decided," Pulls-Paper-Out-Of
Hats Boy said, with great reluctance.
"Adamant-Authority-On-Everything is the new
leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes."

    "Doesn't seem like there are many of us
left to lead," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
"Anybody else hear what sounds like a woman
screaming and a hundred million birds running
through the hallway?"

    "It's probably just Obnoxious Ame.rec.a
Boy singing in the shower again," Linguist Lass

    "Hungry!" the infant Adamant-Authority-On
Everything said.

    "I'll go warm up some formula," Linguist
Lass said.

    "No!  Wait!" Special Bonding Boy said.
"It's his first order as LNH leader.  He wants
us... to feed the hungry of Net.ropolis."

    "Are you sure about that?" Pulls-Paper-Out
Of-Hats-Lad said.  "Because it seemed like..."

    "Well, nobody knows how to feed the hungry
better than I do," Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.
"You heard the, uh, baby!  Shake a leg!  We've
got a city to feed!"

    *         *         *

    "Got... to... escape..." Mother Time said,
collapsing through the door of the TV lounge,
her once-silver robes in tatters.  "Too...
many... kiwis..."

    She looked up to see a single Legionnaire
typing away at a laptop computer on the other
side of the room.

    "Just... a... minute," she said, placing her
hands on her thighs and breathing deeply.  "Will...
fight... you... as... soon... as... I... can..."

    "Take your time," Time Waster Lad said.
"I'm right in the middle of a game."

    Mother Time straightened up, throwing back
her hair.

    "Do you have any idea whom you're talking to?"
she said, as the hero continued to maneuver his
mouse.  "I am the woman who just brought the
Legion of Net.Heroes to its knees!  I transformed
your headquarters into a hotel!  I outran a whole
helluva lot of little green birds!  Clawing,
pecking little green birds..."

    "Whatever," Time Waster Lad said.  "The
question is, how are you at World of Warcraft?"

    Mother Time approached the computer.

    "What is this... World of Warcraft?" she

    *         *         *

    "That was amazing," Special Bonding Boy
said, clapping Steak-and-Potatoes Man on the
back.  "To think that you managed to feed the
entire city of Net.ropolis, stock the food bank
for a year, and still have enough to send an
emergency shipment to the people of North Korea."

    "It was nothing," the Chief of Chefs said.
"Or rather, it was our leader's inspiration."

    "What should we do now?" Special Bonding Boy
said, as they re-entered the Central Command
Center.  "And what is that... unusual smell?"

    "Change!  Change!  Need change!" screamed

    "I'm not touching this one," Pulls-Paper-
Out-Of-Hats Boy said.

    "He's right," Special Bonding Boy said.
"The Legion has always been a reactive
organization.  What if, instead of waiting to
respond to crises, we took it upon ourselves to
enact a little social change?"

    "The South Side has been paralyzed by
gang warfare these past three weeks,"
Steak-and-Potatoes Man said.  "If only there
was some way to get the two sides talking to
each other..."

    "That's my specialty!" Linguist Lass
beamed.  "Let's get down there right away!"

    "Fine," snapped Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats
Boy, drawing a paper diaper from his hat.
"Leave me to take care of the nasty stuff.
I'm getting overtime for this!"

    *         *         *

    "Stop hogging all the treasure,"
Mother Time said, elbowing Time-Waster
Lad away from the keyboard.  "And
what does it mean when it says 'You
have been pwned?' "

    "It means that your enemies have
captured your weapons, unraveled your
schemes, and are preparing to take you into
custody," Innovative-Offense Boy said,
holding Mother Time's scythe.  "Essentially,
you're *@#$%^&ed."

    "Wait!  Please!  Just one more round!
I was just starting to get good at it!"
Mother Time wailed, as Easily-Discovered Man
and Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red hauled her

    "Nice *@#$%^& job," Innovative-Offense
Boy said, congratulating Time-Waster Lad.
"You defeated one of the most powerful
@#$%^&^& this team has ever faced, and you
did it without ever leaving the @#$%^&
lounge.  You know, you'll probably get a
*&^%$#@ medal for this."

   "Sure, sure," Time-Waster Lad said.
"Right after the next commercial."

    *         *         *

    "Trust me," the newly-reprogrammed
robot duplicate of Dr. Stomper said.  "I
can re-set Mother Time' scythe to turn all
of the Legionnaires... including all of the
kiwi eggs you gathered... back to their
correct chronological ages."

    "Well, if you can't trust a robot
duplicate cobbled together during a crisis,
who can you trust?" Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner
said.  "But what about the two Obnoxious
Ame.rec.a Boys?"

    "No problem," Robo-Stomper said.  "We
just need to find a subject on which both
of them completely and totally agree with
each other.  The war on terror, for

    "Is simply a means by which the
President imposes his fascist will upon the
earth," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Blue said.

    "You'll be singing a different tune
once ol' Al Kayda comes knockin' on yer
door," Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy Red said.

    "Okay," Dr. Bad-Bedside Manner said.
"What about the war on drugs?"

    "Finally putting those damn hippies
in their place," Red said.

    "Needlessly filling our prisons with
those who have committed a victimless
crime," Blue retorted.

    "Both of them represent the extremes
of the Ame.rec.an political spectrum,"
Dr, Bad-Bedside-Manner mused.  "If only
we could think of something so middle-of
the-road, so utterly without any kind of
a firm political stance whatsoever..."

    "Hillary Clinton," Robo-Stomper said.

    Both Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boys
looked at each other.

    "Can't stand her," they said in unison,
and merged into one being.

    *         *         *

    "And for your work in providing for
those in need, mediating a truce to end
the city's violence, and helping to restore
Net.ropolis' economy and vitality by
persuading the entire city to take an
afternoon nap, it is my honor to present
the keys of this great city to Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything, perhaps the
greatest hero this world has ever known."

    The mayor reached out his hand, and
then stopped.

    "What is this?" the mayor said,
staring into the frilled blue baby
carriage being pushed by Linguist Lass.
"Am I to understand that the leader of
the Legion of Net.Heroes is a..."

    "Hang on," said the robot Doctor
Stomper, aiming Mother Time's scythe
at the carriage.  A flash of light,
followed by the sound of an entire
colony of ants coughing at once, and a
restored Adamant-Authority-On-Everything
took the mayor's hand.

    "Much better," the mayor said.  "It is
indeed an honor for me to shake hands with
the man who has brought peace and harmony

    "Peace, my diapered ass!" Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything said.  "It's time
for a new world order, in which the winds of
democracy will come whistling through the bomb-
blasted battlefields of Ve.net.zuela.  I hereby

    The sun disappeared, as did the red-
faced leader of the LNH.

    "Whoops," said Easily-Discovered Man
Lite.  "Guess I really ought to be more
careful with Mother Time's hourglass."

    "What happened?" the mayor gasped.
"Why did it suddenly get dark outside?"

    "Have no fear, your honor," the robot
Doctor Stomper said.  "Things may seem a
little... unusual, for the moment.
But everything is under control..."


    Renegade Programmer, Self-Righteous
    Preacher, Special Bonding Boy
    and Ultimate Ninja.... wReam

    Bad-Timing Boy.... Vernon Harmon

    Captain Cleanup... Maurice Beyke

    Doctor Bad-Beside-Manner
    .... Peter "Tick" Milan

    Doctor Stomper.... T.M. Neeck

    Easily-Discovered Man and
    Easily Discovered Man Lite
    .... Rob Rogers

    Frat Boy, Innovative-Offense Boy
    and Steak and Potatoes Man
    .... upLink

    The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life
    .... Enrique Conty

    Kid Kiwi's Kiwi Kommandoes
    .... Descrii

    Kid Recap... Josh Geurink

    Linguist Lass and Ordinary Lady
    .... Martin Phipps

    New Look Lass.... Charles Fitzgerald

    Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy.... Jamas Enright

    Procrastination Boy.... Jason Kanner

    Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats-Lad and
    Ripping Dancer.... Arthur Spitzer

    Sarcastic Lad.... Gary St. Lawrence

    Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl
    and WikiBoy.... Tom Russell

    Super Apathy Lad.... Jacob Lesgold

    Time-Waster Lad.... Ray Rich

    "A leader is a dealer in hope."
       --Napoleon Bonaparte

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