[LNH] LNH Comics Presents #44: Infinite Leadership Cry.sig Ep.9

[Saxon Brenton]

[I swear on a stack of Kurt Busiek comics, I copy'n'pasted the addresses
this time rather than typed them in to make sure they were right.]

LNH Comics Presents #44
Infinite Leadership Cry.sig: Episode 9

"You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad"
by Saxon Brenton

9th April 2007

     Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad pulled a piece of paper from his hat.
On it was the identity of the next leader of the Legion of Net.Heroes.
"You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," he announced.
     There was a second's worth of stunned silence, then Adamant-
Authority-On-Everything let out a strangled cry of, "What!?"
     "You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad," repeated Pulls-Paper-Out-
Of-Hats Lad.
     "But he's not..." began Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
     "Not a classic character?" asked Sister-State-The-Obvious. "Not
someone who's been around since the Cosmic Plot Device Caper?"
     "I was about to say: he's not the type of iconic person of the
quality that you'd expect for a leader of the Legion," Adamant-Authority-
On-Everything said pointedly.
     "What, and people who can detect irony, or are as dull as limp
asparagus, or whose superpower consists of making cheesecake are?"
said Sarcastic Lad.
     "I think you're missing the point," said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-
Hard-Enough Lad, speaking up for the first time.
     "I find that unlikely," huffed Adamant-Authority-On-Everything.
"What might this so-called point be?"
     "I think Limp-Asparagus Lad was right about the LNH leadership
currently being about keeping the team running while the researchers
try to solve the problem. For the moment the leaders are expendable."
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad smiled and gestured expansively.
"I'm willing to play the part of being expendable." Then his grin grew
wicked. "But if Adamant-Authority-On-Everything thinks he's more
expendable than me, then I'm happy enough to stand aside and not be
disappeared at midnight. All he's gotta do is say the word."
     Adamant-Authority-On-Everything opened his mouth - perhaps to
accept, perhaps to retort - before closing it again and narrowing his
eyes in a credible impersonation of a laser beam death stare.
     Sarcastic Lad smirked. "Shouldn't it be Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-
Do-Better Lad who'd be goaded into taking over the death seat with a
trick like that?"
     You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad gave him an unreadable glance
before saying, "Tell you what guys, how about I start off by rescinding
*everything* that Self-Righteous Preacher did yesterday?" This brought a
ragged cheer from the others. YNHMHELad nodded. "I thought that would
appeal to you. Multi-Tasking Man? Will you contact Occultism Kid,
All-Knowing Last-Chance Whiner Destiny Woman, and Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid and tell them that the Legion is now occultism and paganism tolerant
again, and ask them back? Thanks. Now, if there's nothing else, I'll go
and talk with John and Sally about wranglin' that thar paperwork into
submission."

     *****

     "The Chuggernaut's going on a rampage through midtown?" repeated
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad.
     It was in the middle of the afternoon, hours after he had been
appointed. It had been a long day. The plan of trying to process
the paperwork for maintaining the Legion had long since fallen by the
wayside. You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad was beginning to sub-
scribe to the rumour that Ultimate Ninja had gone out of his way to set
up the management of the Legion to be as difficult as possible for
whoever had to fill in for him.
     Instead YNHMHELad had taken refuge in organising the rapid response
teams that were regularly being sent out to deal with all the mundane
and net.ahuman weirdness that arise in a comic book superhero class
universe. Fighting a cult of revampires. Helping the Food and Drug
Administration capture a black market shipment of illicit and dangerously
poor quality super-soldier serum. Breaking up a kaiju battle between
Fin Fanfic Foom (a giant lizard who wears underpants) and Carassion (a
giant flying goldfish with a breath weapon of radioactive bubbles).
Thwarting the fifth columnist plans of a squad of Al-Qaeda Amerika
operatives (yes, they were still about and still making trouble). And
just after lunch Doctor Glockenspiel had returned. A few days previously
he had arrived to challenge Ultimate Ninja to a duel, and unable to
accept that there was a fill-in leader had stormed away vowing revenge.
This time Dr G. had arrived with a tank-like glockenspiel and had tried
to destroy the LNH-HQ with its sonic attack, all the while screaming
for Ultimate Ninja to come out and face him.
     Now You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had just been told by
Multi-Tasking Man that the awesomely powerful brawler going by the name
of the Chuggernaut (nee, the Time Whino) was on the loose and wreaking
havok. YNHMHELad leaned back in his chair and looked thoughtful. "Okay,"
he said. "I've got an idea on how to handle this. First I need to have a
word with Occultism Kid. In the meantime Multi-Tasking Man, organise a
general rescue squad out of anyone who isn't otherwise occupied at the
moment, and have them meet me in the flight.thingee bay in five minutes."
He grinned to himself. "I think I'm gonna want to handle this one myself."

     *****

     "Gimme all your beer!" roared the Chuggernaut. He picked up a metal
beer keg that he had liberated from a nearby tavern, tapped it by the
expedience of punching a fist through its side, and then held it over
his head to let the contents pour down his throat. Once the keg was half
drained he threw it away and continued, "Gimme all your beer or I'll
tear this town in half!"
     "No, you villain!" yelled You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad as
he struck an arms akimbo pose. "Fight me instead!"
     The Chuggernaut threw an unbroached keg at the Legionnaire, which
struck YNHMHELad with a resounding KA-THUNNNGGG!!! and sent him
flying. The Chuggernaut turned back to his beer swilling, little
appreciating that the harder you hit You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad the stronger he got, so that Chuggernaut didn't see the incoming
car that YNHMHELad threw at him until it hit Chuggernaut in the back
of the head.
     As the Chuggernaut angrily picked himself up from the road, You're-
Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad ran in and hit him with a haymaker,
sending Chuggernaut impacting through the wall of the building across
the road.
     As You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad continued after the
Chuggernaut he noted that the rest of the squad were acting as ordered,
evacuating the remaining bystanders as quickly as possible from the
area. He hoped that Occultism Kid would be able to act soon. This was
fun, but it was bound to cause a lot of property damage unless they
could finish it off quickly! Then with unexpected speed the Chuggernaut
emerged from the rubble of the wall and punched a piledriver fist into
YNHMHELad's face. You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad landed on the
other side of the street, where he promptly picked up an abandoned bus
and used it to club Chuggernaut over the head.
     "Surrender villain!" called You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad,
who by this time was as high as a kite from all the endorphins that the
impact from Chuggernaut's punches were releasing into his bloodstream.
"All your badly scripted dialog and poorly drawn hyperthyroid musculature
can't defend you against the forces of justice!"
     "Stupid little prick!" countered the Chuggernaut, and in rapid
succession threw two cars of his own at the LNHer. This briefly blinded
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, and the Chuggernaut took the
opportunity to race forward for close hand-to-hand combat.
     "Now!" yelled Occultism Kid, and released the hastily tailored
spell that he had been preparing. The Chuggernaut lifted off the ground
and hung suspended in the air.
     The Chuggernaut cursed and ranted at this, but found himself quite
helpless. The various Legionnaires gathered around, including those
who'd been keeping away the bystanders. "Okay, so, if we were only going
to float him in midair, why did it take so long?" asked Bandwagon Chick.
     "You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad wanted a specific spell
effect," answered Occultism Kid. "Normally it *would* be just a matter
of using a standard levitation spell, but in this case although the
Chuggernaut's weight is being supported throughout his whole body, that
support is pivoted at a single point in the centre of balance." Occultism
Kid looked at YNHMHELad (who was grinning like a loon) and said, "But
you never actually said why. What's so important about him being able
to spin around freely without being controlled by the spell caster?"
     "I wanna test a theory," You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
smiled. And to demonstrate, he gave the Chuggernaut a full strength
punch in the face.
     The villain spun backwards, head over heels at high speed. And,
as You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad had been secretly hoping, he
didn't have a stomach for vertigo. "Ahhh... Stop... Pleaf... Ahhh, hurk,
urf, BLUUEERRRKKK!!!" Beer-smelling vomit with bits of diced carrot in
it (because, like, when you throw up there's always diced carrot in the
sick, even if you haven't eaten carrot in months) went flying everywhere
in a great spiral, kind of like the sparks of a pinwheel firework.
     "Aww, YUCK!" went everybody. Well, everybody except You're-Not-
Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad, who was still far too hyped up for his own
good, and who punched his fists in the air and yelled, "Aww, KEWL!"
     The Legionnaires all glared at him. He smirked back at them with a
goofy smile plastered across his face.
     "Okay, that does it," said Bizarre Boy. "Bandwagon Chick, help me
get him back to your bandwagon, and we'll take him back to Organic
Lass and have her straighten out his body chemistry.
     "And from now on," Fuzzy told YNHMHELad sternly, "You either get
to plan a campaign, or take part in one, but not both!"


Character credits:
   Adamant-Authority-On-Everything and Sister-State-The-Obvious created
by wReam (Ray Bingham), and not reserved.
   Bandwagon Chick created by Sue Clark, and not reserved.
   Bizarre Boy created by rjd118 at psuvm.pse.edu, not reserved.
   The Chuggernaut, Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad and You're-Not-Hitting-
Me-Hard-Enough Lad created by Arthur Spitzer, and not reserved.
   Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch, and not reserved.
   John and Sally created by Descrii (Ian Porell), and Public Domain.
   Multi-Tasking Man created by Jeff Coleburn, and not reserved.
   Occultism Kid created by Josh Geurink, and not reserved.
   Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence, and not reserved.


----------
Saxon Brenton     University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
     saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au     saxonbrenton at hotmail.com
The Librarian "liked people who loved and respected books. And the best
way to do that, in the Librarian's opinion, was to leave them on the
shelves where Nature intended them to be." Terry Pratchett, _Men At Arms_

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