LNH: LNH Comics Presents #43: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode 8

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Sun Apr 8 13:25:10 PDT 2007

        Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #43


                    EPISODE EIGHT

Look at the hourglass.

Watch the sand grains fall.

When you're young, you just want it to go faster and faster.

Then you get old and it's too fast.  You want it to slow down.  But not 
completely down.  Because when it stops that's when it all ends.

But eventually it ends.  Everything ends.

Watch the sand fall.

Each grain is a lifetime.  A year.  A day.  A second.

That grain over there?  That's 1992.   Look closely into it.  An epic 
battle is taking place.  Continuity's Champion is battered and broken. 
He struggles to get up and stop The Queen.  He has the power to move 
worlds.  To move storylines.  But the battle has worn him and it takes 
everything for him to just stand up.  And The Queen is towering over him 
laughing.  A power called the Crossover Gem pulsates in her hand flaring 
like a million suns.  She readies herself to deliver the deathblow.  To 
snuff out the life of this hero and begin her reign as Queen of the 
Looniverse.  A cruel reign that will last 16 years until an even greater 
force wipes her out.

But it doesn't happen.  Time bends.  She is hit with a blast of pure 
time.  A cloaked figure wrestles her for control of the gem.  The 
cloaked figure starts to burn alive as the gem's power crackles through 
his body.  A button is pushed.  And Reality is Flushed away.

The Queen loses.  But there are no parades or statues for this cloaked 
martyr who saved the Looniverse.  No.  The cloaked figure becomes a 
splatter on the windshield of history.  And nothing more.

That was the first time I died.

And that grain over there?  It is today.

Within it I can see my enemies.  The LNH.  Two heroes by the name of 
Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster are making insipid banter about their 
meaningless lives.  A hero hands them some papers.

I grow tired of looking at them.

And what about this grain over here?

That?  That is Tomorrow.  And there I am.  The Pre-(Just Imagine... 
Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled with Killer Ninja 
Gorillas!)Time Crapper or if you prefer Post-(Just Imagine Saxon Brenton 
Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!)Time Crapper.  Lying on the street 
corner.  Dead.  A piece of sand waiting to be buried by the future.

Alone and unloved.

But that?  That is tomorrow.  And well -- this?  This is today.

And where there is time...

...there is time for revenge.


April 8, 2007

"I'm starting to get worried about Britney.  This whole shaved head 
thing.  It's not very appealing.  I mean -- I'd still do her," Master 
Blaster said leaning against the wall.  "I mean -- you know -- if I 
weren't married that is.  But that's just my opinion."

"You know, Rob?  That is probably the deepest thing you've ever said and 
-- Oh Lord God Almighty I wish I was being sarcastic right now," 
Sarcastic Lad said hanging his head in shame.

"*Ahem*," coughed List Lad.  "A list of new rules and regulations -- 
guys.  From our new head honcho."  List Lad handed each one a bunch of 
stapled papers and then went on his way.

"What the --?" Master Blaster looked over the list.  "No Sodomy?  No 
Pre-marital Sex?  No Running Around Naked?  No Exposed Belly Buttons? 
No Pornography?  No Blasphemy?  No Idolatry?  Hmm.  What's that?  No 
more American Idol, Sarc?"

"This has got to be joke," Sarcastic Lad said as he thumbed through the 
list.  "What kind of idiot would do -- Oh god."  A thought popped into 
Sarcastic Lad's head.  A thought that turned his face pale.  "No.  Not 
him.  It couldn't be.  It just can't -- Could it?  No.  Oh lord.  What 
have you done to us Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad?  Wait.  Maybe this is 
just some sick joke by List Lad."

"Should we go check?" asked Master Blaster.

Sarcastic Lad gave a reluctant nod.

As they got close to the door of the LNH Leader's Office Sarcastic Lad's 
hand hesitated as it reached the knob.  "Oh god.  Can't do it.  I don't 
know if I can handle the horrible ugly unfettered truth.  I might 
forever lose faith in the process of deciding leaders by pulling papers 
out of hats.  I can't do this, Rob."

"We have to know, Sarc.  We have to.  Let's flip a coin."

Sarcastic Lad sighed.  "Heads."

Master Blaster took a coin out and tossed it up.  Both of the heroes 
looked at the result of the flip.  "Hah!  You lose!"  Master Blaster did 
his victory dance.

"Fine!" Sarcastic Lad grumbled to himself.  And then he slowly opened 
the door.

And behind the door he saw one his worst nightmares come to life.  There 
sitting behind the Ultimate Ninja's desk was Self-Righteous Preacher 
with his arms behind his head leaning in the Ultimate Ninja's chair. 
The Preacher's feet used the desk as a footstool.  And on the Preacher's 
face was a very smug and satisfied look.

Both Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster made the required Macaulay "Home 
Alone" Culkin panic type faces and screamed at the top of their lungs. 

And the screams put a smile on the Preacher's face.  "Ah.  How I have 
waited -- Yes -- how I have waited for this day.  So much to do.  So 
much to fix."


                   The Preacher's Day


              Some Days Never Seem to End


8:25 AM Net.ropolis Time

Ripping Dancer quickly shoved the briefcase full of potions (potions 
that gave Ripping Dancer her powers to rip things to shreds and her 
dazzling beauty) under her bed.  A very loud violent knocking sound was 
coming from her door.

"Coming.  Just -- a sec."  She looked over the room to see if there were 
any other objects that should be kept secret from prying eyes.  And then 
she walked over to her door and opened it.

It was Self-Righteous Preacher and a couple of Kirbybots.  "Umm.  Hi, 
Self-Righteous Preacher.  Uhh, what can I do for you?"

"You can surrender yourself into custody, Ripping Dancer.  You're a 
suspect in the disappearances of Fearless Leader, Irony Man, and the 
rest of the vanishing LNH'rs.  I plan to interrogate you and find out 
the truth."

"What!?  You can't -- You have no right!"  Ripping Dancer backed herself 
away from the door and starting edging towards the window.

"Of course I do.  As acting LNH Leader I have the right to do anything 
against threats to law and order.  Kirbybots!  Restrain her!"  The 
Kirbybots and the Preacher entered the room and started to lock onto 
Ripping Dancer.  Ripping Dancer made a couple of dance moves, which 
caused circuits within the Kirbybots to tear apart.  The Kirbybots 
started going haywire.  Ripping Dancer made another twirl, which caused 
the Preacher's suspenders to rip apart letting his pants drop down.  And 
then she leaped past the malfunctioning Kirbybots and outside her room 
to freedom.

"Stop her!" the Preacher raged as he pulled his pants back up and 
quickly followed her.  But right before he could get to the hallway he 

The Preacher looked up to see what -- or who had tripped him.  And there 
was Sarcastic Lad.  Holding a clipboard.

"Whoops!  Did my foot accidentally trip you?  Gosh, I'm sorry Preachy! 
You know I would *never* ever do something like that on purpose!  Honest!"

"You!"  The Preacher's face started to become a very cartoonishy red 
color.  And smoke seemed to be puffing right out of his ears.  "You!! 
YOU!!!  This is it.  This is the absolute last straw!  You are finished! 
  Yes!  Finished!  I'm going to lock you up!  This time you're going to 

"Wow!  Jail?  Sounds fun.  When do I get to pack my bags?"

"This is not a joke, Sarcastic Lad!  You helped a suspect escape 
custody.  As far as I'm concerned, that makes you a part of this evil 
vanishing LNH'r plot.  You are going to jail for obstructing justice!"

"Cool!  My plan worked."

"Plan?  What in the Devil's name are you blabbering about?"

"My plan to get out of LNH Storage Inventory duty.  Now I can just lie 
back in a nice cozy prison cell and read some letters from sexy females 
who are hot to trot for guys behind bars.  Damn, I'm smart."

"You want to go to jail?  No.  This must be some kind of mind game 
you're playing."

"Mind Games?  No!  Gosh, Preachy, I'd never tax your brain like that! 

"Of course you're smart enough to realize that I would never fall for 
something as simplistic as reverse psychology so this must be..."  The 
Preacher paused and thought about it for a bit.  "This must be -- Yes! 
Then this must be reverse-reverse psychology!!  You're trying to trick 
me into thinking I shouldn't put you in jail -- because -- because -- 
Because you want me to put you in jail!  Hah!  Who's the clever one now, 
Sarcastic Lad?"

"No!" gasped Sarcastic Lad.  "You've seen right through my cunning plan! 
  How -- How did you do it?"

"You forget Sarcastic Lad that I'm far more clever than that slow-witted 
ninja.  So.  I guess I can't punish you by locking you away.  So how can 
I punish you?  You don't like LNH Storage Inventory duty, do you?  Well 
then -- You've got two straight months of LNH Storage Inventory duty!! 
How do you like that?"

"No!  You can't -- you just can't!  Have a heart, Preacher!  I beg you! 
  Just one week of jail -- that's all I ask!  Please!  In the name of 
God!!"  Sarcastic Lad fell to the floor and groveled.

The Preacher just laughed and walked away.  Sarcastic Lad got up and 
brushed himself off.

It was at that exact moment that WikiBoy passed by.  "Oh hi, Sarcastic 
Lad," said an unusually cheery WikiBoy.

"Hey, WikiBoy.  Got some bad news.  You've got two straight months of 
LNH Storage Inventory duty."  Sarcastic Lad handed WikiBoy a clipboard. 
  "Sorry, bud."  With that Sarcastic Lad patted WikiBoy on the head and 
whistled a tune has he made his exit.

WikiBoy just looked at the clipboard and then sighed to himself. 
WikiBoy was no longer cheery.


8:26 AM Net.ropolis Time

Occultism Kid stormed into the Preacher's office.

"Yes?  Occultism Kid?  Can I help you in some way?" the Preacher said 
with a slight coyness.

"Yes!  I want to know why there are a couple of damn Kirbybots blocking 
me from entering my room!"

"Oh that.  Hmm.  I'm guessing you haven't had a chance to read the new 
rules and regulations.  Here's a copy."  The Preacher handed Occultism 
Kid some paper.  "There are some new rules about magic and so on.  Let's 
see.  No Devil Worship.  No Satanism.  No Witchcraft.  Ah, yes -- here 
it is.  No -- Occult -- Practices.  There are a few others -- but -- 
that about covers it.  Any questions?"

"You've got to be kidding me!"  Occultism Kid crumbled the pieces of 
paper in his hand and then dumped them back onto the Preacher's desk. 
"In case you forgot -- My name is Occultism Kid.  That is what I do!  I 
need stuff in my room to help us find the missing LNH'rs!  I don't have 
time for this nonsense!"

"You forget, I am the leader now.  And what I say goes.  And don't worry 
about the missing LNH'rs.  God will help us find them.  Well, as long as 
we refrain from sinful activities like dealing with the occult that is. 
  Perhaps you could help us by abandoning your wicked practices and 
begin praying to the Heavenly Father for guidance?"

"I should -- I should..."  Occultism Kid started to clench his fists and 
then hesitated.  "No.  You're not worth it.  I'm out of here.  I'll come 
back when someone with at least half a brain is in charge, but until 
then... You're on your own."  With that Occultism Kid walked out just as 
Dr. Stomper entered the room.

"Occultism Kid?" Dr. Stomper said as Occultism Kid brushed by him.

"Sorry, Doc.  Got to go.  Good luck with this moron."

"Yes, Doctor?" said the Preacher.  "A problem I can help you with?  How 
goes the search for our missing Legionaires?"

"Um.  Still haven't discovered why people seem to be vanishing.  But 
that isn't why I'm here.  I've been getting quite a lot of complaints 
from people about your leadership decisions.  You tried to arrest 
Ripping Dancer?"

"I had some questions for her.  But she fled the scene before I could 
get any answers.  Now, why would she run if she had nothing to hide?"

"Because you were trying to arrest her?  And there is this use of the 
Kirbybots as your own police force."

"Which is my right.  With Kid Kirby away on some cosmic matter -- as 
leader of the LNH I have complete control over all Kirbybots to help me 
maintain order."

"And Occultism Kid?  We need his help."

"Do we?  No.  What we need, Doctor, is God's help.  And as long as we 
allow sinning practices that make a mockery of the word of God to fester 
in the LNHQ -- God will not aid us."

Dr. Stomper sighed to himself.  "And there's also something else.  A 
problem I noticed a couple of hours ago.  It's 8:26."

"Yes?  And the problem with that is?"

"A couple of hours ago it was 8:25."

"I see.  Are you sure about this?"

"Positive.  I've done a number of temporal tests.  I've even measured 
the speed the sun is moving across the sky.  I'm afraid it's traveling 
very slowly.  Something is causing the Earth and Sun to slow down, 
perhaps even the Looniverse itself.  But life on Earth isn't slowing 
down.  If this keeps up it is going to have catastrophic results.  I 
suspect some time traveling villain like the Time Crapper is involved. 
We should..."

"Perhaps.  Or perhaps God is doing this."

"God?  Look, Self-Righteous Preacher, this is a serious matter and we 
don't have the time to..."

"Do you know the story of Joshua?  Of the battle at Gibeon?"

"Vaguely.  It's been awhile since I attended Sunday school."

"Well -- allow me to refresh your memory.  In the Battle of Gibeon, God 
causes the Sun to stay still so Joshua's men can be victorious over the 
unbelievers.  Could it be that God has done the same thing today so that 
I will have the time to bring all of the sinners of the world to 
justice?  I think there is a strong possibility that that could be the 

"I see."  A pale expression emerged from Dr. Stomper's face.  "I think 
-- I think perhaps I need to go back to my lab and do some more tests." 
  The Doctor quickly made his way out.

"Yes.  Go do that, Doctor.  Shake your test tubes and play with your 
glitter boxes.  I myself have work to do."  With that said the Preacher 
turned towards a chalkboard in his office.  On it was a list.  And the 
title of the list read 'The Enemies of Family Values'.

The Preacher studied the list and began making plans.


8:27 AM Net.ropolis Time

A group of hooded men hovered over an operating table.  Strapped down to 
the table was what appeared to be a big lizard.  A Komodo Dragon. 
Strapped on its head was what looked to be one of those 
brain-transferring helmets.  Various wires were also inserted into him.

Right above him stood the leader of the cult.  The cult leader's hands 
held a severed goat's head dripping with blood.  The blood dripped down 
onto the body of the komodo dragon.  The rest of the cultists were 
chanting 'Separation of Church and State' over and over again.

The cult leader started to speak as he raised the goat's head high. 
"You are no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.  You are 
no longer Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!  No.  You are now 
and forever -- Eggplant the Spring Festival Komodo Dragon!!  You shall 
become a beloved icon for all the children of the world -- not just the 
Christian children -- who can be safely displayed in any public school. 
  Yes.  Hindu children.  Moslem children.  Buddhist children.  Even 
Atheist children.  And..."

"Enough!"  Suddenly the cellar door burst open.  The cultists looked up 
to see who was interrupting their very sacred ritual.  "Secular 
Humanists!!  No more shall you make war upon the Holiday of Easter!!  No 
More!!  It is Time.  Time -- For some Bible Lessons!!!"  The Preacher 
then took out a rather oddly shaped bible from his coat -- A boomerang 
shaped bible -- and hurled it at the goat head.  The goat head fell and 
the bible continued on its path smacking each cult member in the head 
and then finally returning itself back to the Preacher's hand.

"No!" the head cultist screamed.  "You're interfering with out right 
to..."  But before he could complete that sentence a kung-fu punch from 
the Preacher sent his jaw and rest of him down on floor like a sack of 

The rest of the cultist swarmed him, but the Preacher was a 
one-man-kicking-ass-and-taking-names machine.  And when the last cultist 
fell, the Preacher took out an axe like cross from one of his pockets 
and used it to slice away the shackles that imprisoned Eggplant the 
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon.

"You are free -- Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!  Free once 
more to teach the world the true meaning of Easter."

And Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon gave the Preacher a nod of 
appreciation.  He crawled over to where his Easter bonnet was placed and 
put it back on his head.  And then he proceeded to rip out the throats 
of all of the Secular Humanist cult members.


8:28 AM Net.ropolis Time

"First, I'd like to thank Master Blaster for letting us have this 
meeting at his house," Dr. Stomper said sitting at a table with a group 
of LNH members in basement of Master Blaster's house.  A table that was 
mostly used for poker games.

"No prob, Doc.  Just -- could we keep this short?  wReanna and me are 
taking the kid to this Easter Egg hunt thing."

"Actually, that is a good segue for our first topic of discussion. 
Time.  Some force is reducing time's speed in the Looniverse.  At this 
precise moment I'm unsure of what is exactly causing it.  It could be a 
villain with temporal powers like the Time Crapper or a villain that can 
cause parts of the Net to slow down like Lagneto.  Or something else 
completely.  But we need to solve this problem quickly because the 
longer we delay the more catastrophic the results will be."

"How catastrophic, Doctor?" Occultism Kid asked.

"Imagine one side of the Earth burning to death while the other side 
freezes to death."

"Ok.  Really, Bad.  Gotcha," Occultism Kid said while jotting down some 

"And there will also be economic and political consequences to this. 
Our world revolves around time.  People get paid salaries calculated 
from time served.  And time also dictates how long politicians and other 
government officials can serve in office.  Which brings us to our second 
problem.  The Self-Righteous Preacher."

"Oh -- this is just brilliant," Sarcastic Lad said rolling his eyes. 
"So, what you're saying is we're going to be stuck with the Preacher as 
leader well at least until we burn to death?  Is that what you're 
saying?  Gosh, who was the brilliant genius that decided that 
Pulls-Paper-Out-Of-Hats Lad should select who becomes temporary leader? 
  I'd just love to thank them right now."

"*Ahem*," Dr. Stomper said knowing that he had been responsible for that 
decision.  "There's no purpose in pointing fingers.  We need to solve 
this problem.  Occultism Kid?  I'd like you to see if this problem is 
mystical in nature."

"Considering I've been banned from my room, which contains all of my 
occult materials and books; I might have some difficulty with that.  But 
maybe I can get some help from someone like the Gothic Gorilla, Dr. 
Deranged, or some of my NTB contacts."

"Do what you can.  And Sarcastic Lad?  I want you to hang around the 
Preacher; make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble."

"Oh, Joy!  Please -- someone give me cancer so I can finally put the 
cherry on the wonderful whipped cream Sunday that is today.  And maybe 
some leprosy if you can spare some."

Dr. Stomper sighed to himself.  "And finally I will try to find the 
focal point of this temporal anomaly using all the scientific resources 
I have at the LNHHQ."


8:29 AM Net.ropolis Time

Ripping Dancer clicked on the TV set that was placed in the abandoned 
warehouse she was in.  A face of a mysterious shadowy figure 
materialized on it and began to communicate with her.

<<So -- how goes life at the madhouse?>>

"Terrible.  Self-Righteous Preacher, who's now the leader, tried to have 
me arrested."

<<For what reason?>>

"I don't know.  I think he thought I was involved in all of the previous 
leaders vanishing.  Everything's starting to fall apart there.  You're 
not the one doing this -- Are you?"

<<No.  I've had some of my sources check, but they seem to be clueless 
at who's responsible for this.  It must be someone very powerful though 
to snatch someone like Captain Continuity and keep him imprisoned.  The 
LNH has acquired a number of incredibly powerful enemies over the years. 
  It could be almost anyone.  Still.  This could work to our advantage. 
  If members keep vanishing then you might become leader.>>

"No.  I can't -- I don't -- I don't want to be leader.  I don't want to 
disappear.  I don't want this.  I'm scared by this -- what's happening."

<<Yes, Tara.  I know.  But you should know by now that it's not about 
what you want.  No, Tara.  It's about what I want.  You should try and 
remember that.>>


"What I don't understand is why you don't just end the LNH with all the 
power you have?"

That voice.  That beautiful voice like a haunting song.  That's the 
voice that's going to kill me.

The voice belongs to a lovely twenty-ish girl with a punkish purple 
streak in her black hair and a ring piercing her cute little nose. 
She's going to rip out my heart tomorrow and I won't be able to stop 
her.  It's silly.  Why do we let love destroy us?  Why can't we stop it 
as it consumes us?

"You could go back in time and just kill all of their grandparents or 

"No.  Time -- Time is much more complicated than that," I tell her. 
"Every change has an effect.  By causing all of the current members to 
cease to exist I might create a present with an even more competent LNH. 
  Or perhaps I might cause the entire Looniverse to cease altogether. 
As much as I hate to say it, the LNH is a vital part of the Looniverse. 
  And time?  Time is tricky."

"Whatever.  Seems though that you could at least use your powers to get 
us a better hotel room.  This place is a dump."

"I could, but sometimes the best hiding places are the ones that no one 
would think of looking at.  A classy hotel room would just attract to 
much attention."

The girl picks up one of the hourglasses lying around the room and gazes 
into it.  "The smell.  It's disgusting.  Why does time have to smell 
like that?"

"It's the way it is.  You'll get used to it.  Eventually, there will 
come a time when you find it has the sweetest smell of anything you've 
ever sniffed."

"Ugh.  I hope not.  And you can see anything in this glass?  All of 
human history?"

"Yes, Tamela.  And more.  Look into it.  You could watch a giant redwood 
grow from a tiny seed.  You could see Christ be crucified.  See Pangaea 
break up into separate continents.  You could watch the Looniverse begin 
and end if you wanted.  It's all there."

"Big Whoop.  I want to see what next week's lottery numbers are.  I want 
to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.  Have a big mansion with tons of 
servants."  She laughs, "And maybe my own male harem.  Who knows?"

"And you can have all that.  You can have anything you want."  And I lie 
to her.  You can't have everything you want.  No matter how much power 
you have.  I can't make her care for me.  I can't make her love me.  All 
I can do is let her use me.  That's the best I can have.


8:30 AM Net.ropolis Time

Self-Righteous Preacher looked at the remaining names on the 'The 
Enemies of Family Values' list.

The United Nations.  Bill Maher.  South Park.  The Liberal Media.  The 
Homosexual Agenda.  Unwed Mothers.  Demon Boy.  Hmm.  Demon Boy was in 
some kind of 'Can't be used' Character Limbo.  Scratch him off the list. 
  And there was this Catgirl whose name he couldn't seem to remember. 
And even though the Preacher felt that this Catgirl was the greatest 
enemy of all the people on this list, he wasn't quite sure how to go 
about searching for her.  No.  Leave her for some other time.  Cable TV. 
  The Internet.  The Democratic Party.  Evolution.  And then the 
Preacher's eyes just stopped at one of the names.  You, the Preacher 
thought to himself.  You thought I had forgotten you.  But no.  I never 
forget.  But now?  Now you're going to pay for all of the evil you have 
committed.  Yes.  Finally.  It's all going to end.  You can't escape it. 
  No.  I'm coming for you.

And the Preacher grabbed a piece of chalk and circled the name.  A name 
that simply said: The Slobbering Grue!


8:30 AM Net.ropolis Time

"I want him.  I want you to catch this beast and bring him to me in 
chains."  The Preacher used his little pointy stick and stabbed it at a 
picture of a short green toad like creature in boxer shorts.  "His name 
is the Slobbering Grue! -- And -- and he's more dangerous than he appears."

"Umm.  Okay, but -- uhh -- I think he may be dead, Self-Righteous," Kid 
Recap said trying to bring a little sanity to this big LNH meeting the 
Preacher had called.  "You see last year in the whole 'Just Imagine 
Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN!' Crossover thingee the 
Crossover Queen blasted the city of Espanola, Net.Mexico with a reality 
ray killing everyone in that city.  There were no survivors."

"Yes.  I know about that.  But what you don't realize, Kid Recap, is 
that a month before that horrible tragedy happened all of the important 
members of the JONG cast were secretly relocated to the almost 
identically named city of Espayola, Net.Mexico."

"Lucky for them," yawned Sarcastic Lad.

"Umm -- Where are you getting this info from?" asked a puzzled Kid Recap.

"No.  He's right," said a man by the name of Arthur Spitzer who had been 
sitting in the back row.  "Yep.  That's what happened all right."

"I'd like to thank you for helping us, Mr. Spitzer.  We are very 
grateful," said a very appreciative Self-Righteous Preacher.

"No, prob.  Oh..." The mysterious being named Arthur Spitzer looked at 
his watch, "Gotta go.  Still have to write the rest of this story."  And 
with that he vanished.  Mysteriously.

"Oh brother," Fourth Wall Lass said rolling her eyes.

"And there you have it," the Preacher said getting back to the business 
at hand.  "That's where the beast is.  Espayola, Net.Mexico.  I want two 
teams -- five members each -- to go there and take him down.  And bring 
him back!  In chains!!"


8:32 AM Net.ropolis Time

Self-Righteous Preacher gazed at the 'Important Message' Screen.  It 
seemed like he had been waiting forever for word about how the mission 
was going.  But finally a message came through.  A visual of Building 
Suspense Lad emerged on the screen.

<<Um -- Preacher?  We've located the Grue.  But.  Umm -- you might want 
to come down here and see this for yourself.>>

"Why?" said a slightly irritated Preacher.  "Is the Grue too much for 
ten LNH'rs?"  Yes.  That must be it.  A slight smile touched the 
Preacher's lips.  He would have to go to Espayola to finish this.  Yes. 
  Him versus the Grue! in one final epic battle.

<<Umm -- just come down here.>>

"Fine."  The Preacher clicked off the screen.

This time he'd bring a bigger bible.


8:34 AM Net.ropolis Time

Self-Righteous wondered why Building Suspense Lad was escorting him 
through a hospital.  Had the Grue! wounded some of his fellow LNH'rs? 
Why was Building Suspense Lad being silent about all this?  Finally, 
they arrived at a room.  And Building Suspense Lad opened the room's 
door.  And the Preacher looked in.

There was a hospital bed.  And on that bed was a short green toad like 
creature lying on it oblivious to the world hooked up to tubes and wires.

"What -- How did this happen?" the Preacher said with concern on his face.

The hospital attendant who was monitoring the Slobbering Grue!'s life 
signs answered him.  "He and a couple of buddies were filming video 
footage for this website -- 
www.stupididiotsdoingstupididioticstunts.com.  Their plan was for Mr. 
Slobbering Grue! to catch an ice cream truck falling from a ten story 
building -- with his tongue -- but sadly the stunt didn't quite work out 
and now --" The hospital attendant looked with a very serious expression 
at the patient, "And now?  He's in a coma -- and completely brain dead."

"Are you sure he wasn't completely brain dead before this happened?  I 
mean -- I'm just saying..." asked Sarcastic Lad.

The Preacher glared at Sarcastic Lad and then asked his own question. 
"So what is to become of him now?"

The hospital attendant formed an even more serious expression on his 
face.  "There's no hope for recovery.  We're going to unplug him from 
life support tomorrow."

"No!" the Preacher gasped.  "That's murder!  You can't do that to him -- 
even if he is a totally corrupt and evil beast.  All life is sacred!"

The hospital attendant nodded in agreement.  "Alas, it's not my 
decision.  It's his wife's."

"He's married?" the Preacher said with a very shocked voice.

"Yes.  His wife's name is..." but before the attendant could continue 
the ground started to shake.  Something was coming.  Something like an 
elephant.  Before any of the heroes could react a massive hand punched 
right through the door and ripped it right off.  And the heroes looked 
in shock at who had ripped off the door.  It was a woman.  A very big 
and massive woman.  A woman smoking a big cigar with very big jowls who 
kind of resembled Anne Ramsey from 'Throw Mama from the Train'.  She 
stomped right into the room.  And then she opened her big mouth.

"Where's my damn life insurance check -- you worthless commie maggots!!? 
  I want my million dollar check!!"

"Ah, that's his wife," the hospital attendant said backing away from the 
very large woman.

"You're -- You're Mrs. Slobbering Grue!? said a perplexed Self-Righteous 

"Don't.  You Call Me That -- You Stupid Bible Hugger!!  The Name's Land 
Lady!!  And this worthless green vegetable who tricked me into marrying 
him -- owes me a ton of bread in back rent -- and I mean to get it!!  I 
want my check!!"  Land Lady picked the hospital attendant up by his 
scrubs and began shaking him.

"I'm sorry -- Missus -- Mrs. Land Lady, the soonest that we can get your 
husband off of life support is tomorrow.  There are still loads of 
paperwork to be filled."

Land Lady threw him down onto the floor.  "Fine!  But I better get my 
damn check tomorrow or I'm going to stomp this whole hospital into the 

"Wait!  This beast deserves a chance at life!  You can't..." the 
Preacher said waving a bible in front of Land Lady's face.

But the Land Lady ignored the Preacher's pleas.  "This conversation is 
giving me gas.  I'm going -- you bunch of commie retards."  She then put 
out her cigar on the Preacher's bible and then stomped her way out.

The Preacher looked at his bible.  "What a horrible woman!  You can't 
let her do this!"

The attendant shook his head in a sympathetic way.  "I'm sorry.  It's 
out of my hands."

But the Preacher gave a defiant sneer.  "But not out of my hands.  I'll 
fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to!!  I will save 
the Slobbering Grue!!  As God is my witness -- I will save this poor 
comatose soul from oblivion!!!"

And with that the Self-Righteous Preacher stormed out of the hospital 
room.  He was a man -- on a mission!

"Well.  That was totally worth my time," Sarcastic Lad said following 
the Preacher twirling his finger near his head.


8:36 AM Net.ropolis Time

"And I'm here on the senate floor to tell you this is the most important 
decision that you people are ever going to make!"  Bill Frist paused 
awhile thinking to himself, 'Damn, I should be running for President and 
not the rest of those losers.  Why don't the polls like me?' and then 
continued.  "We're going to decide today whether or not this poor soul 
is going to live or die!  I want you to ask yourself as you look at this 
unfortunate person -- this greenish toad like person -- do you have it 
in you to murder him?  To squash the life right out of him?  This is an 
important question.  Perhaps the most important question you'll ever 

"Certainly more important than this whole Iraq War thing," shouted 
Sarcastic Lad from the way back row.

Ignoring him Bill Frist continued.  "Yes, I know I'm not a Senator 
anymore so I'm not really sure why I'm speaking to you right now.  But I 
am still a Doctor -- and even though I am about 2000 miles away from 
this patient -- using this video link-up we have I can see that this is 
a man crying for a chance to life!  Look at his eyes blinking!  He's 
trying to communicate with us!  But he doesn't know Morse code!  But if 
he did he would use it right now to tell us he wants to live!  Are we 
going to condemn a man just because he doesn't know Morse code?  Are we? 
  How about we just round up everybody who doesn't know Morse code and 
put them into concentration camps and gas chambers?  I don't know about 
you, but that doesn't seem American.  No, it doesn't.  And furthmore -- 
Wait!  Did you see that?  He smiled!  Can someone who is completely 
brain dead smile?"

"I don't know.  Try smiling for me," answered Sarcastic Lad.

"Get this man out of here!  Get him the hell out of here!!  How did he 
get in here in the first place?!!!" said Bill Frist as he waved his 
hands wildly in the air.  Eventually Capital security hauled Sarcastic 
Lad away.


"I bored with this," she tells me.

"We could go somewhere else," I suggest.  "Anywhere in the world."

"No.  I'm bored with today.  I want time to speed up again."

"We could go to the past?"

"No.  I don't care about the past.  I want tomorrow."

I look at my hourglass.  And then at her.  I should leave her.  I could 
avoid my fate.  Just always avoid the day I die.  She doesn't love me. 
But.  There's always this hope that I'm wrong.  That she won't kill me. 
  That I won't die.  That she'll eventually love me like I love her.  It 
will all work out.  I can change.  She can change.  Time can change.

But it doesn't work that way.

I know.

I am fool.

So I speed up time.

The grains of sand start raining again.

She smiles as the seconds zip by like motorcycles.

And I drown in her smile.


11:52 PM Net.ropolis Time

The Preacher paced around the room.  Just him and the comatose 
Slobbering Grue!  He looked out of the hospital window.  It was night 
time in Espayola, Net.Mexico.  It looked like the LNH had solved this 
whole time problem.  The Preacher wondered what might have happened. 
Maybe he could have saved everyone's soul.  Maybe.  He looked at his 
watch.  Just eight more minutes until he vanished.  He looked back at 
the Slobbering Grue!

"The Supreme Court hearing is tomorrow.  I'm afraid I won't be able to 
attend."  The Preacher walked over to the grue's bed and sat down on a 
chair next to it.  "I'm sorry.  All I can do is pray that they make the 
right decision.  Strange.  After all these years in which we were mortal 
enemies.  And now this.  I'm the only one who cares whether you live or 
die.  You know, I didn't think this was the way it would end.  No.  But 
I guess only God knows how everything will end.  I wanted to save the 
world today.  But God had other plans.  And I think I understand why. 
As I look at you here I start to understand the words of the Savior more 
clearly.  I understand Jesus's love.  His love for the world and all of 
the hopeless sinners in it.  His love for the worst of us.  In some ways 
we are all alike.  You and me.  For me to hate you I might as well hate 
myself.  No.  I understand love now."  The Preacher held the Slobbering 
Grues! Comatose hand.  I love -- I love you, Slobbering Grue!"

"You do?"

"Yes -- I do -- and... Wait you're -- you're...?!" gasped a surprised 
Self-Righteous Preacher.

And the Slobbering Grue! bouncing out of his bed embraced the Preacher 
giving him a very big and sloppy kiss.

"Yuck!  That was kind of gay," said Slobbering Grue! wiping his lips 
with his hand.  "Remind to never do that again."

And the thoroughly drenched face of Self-Righteous Preacher became 
redder and redder as the saliva started to turn into steam.  "You!! 
YOU!!!  *YOU*!!!!  You perverted -- You filthy -- YOU --!!!"

"Oh btw... thanks for the wallet."  And with that said the Slobbering 
Grue! zipped right out of the hospital room.

And the boiling kettle of rage that was the Preacher just watched him 
go.  "This was a scam?  This was a scam!!  I will hunt you down.  I will 
-- I will.  Chains!!  Locked away in a cell!!  Iron Pipes!!!  Get you!!! 
  GET YOU!!!  HUNT YOU -- HUNT YOU DOWN!!!  All over the Earth!!!  I -- 
I will..."  And as the Preacher shook his fist in the air, Two thousand 
miles away the clock in the LNHHQ struck midnight once again.  And the 
Preacher vanished.


And it is tomorrow.

And there she is.  Lying on the street corner.  Dead.

Are you shocked?

Do you think I'm a horrible person for killing her?

Yes.  Yes I am.  I'm evil.  I'm a disgusting evil thing.

I can't help it.  I loved her.  But she wouldn't -- she wouldn't -- And 
now?  And now she's dead.

Why couldn't she love me?  Am I so horrible?  Yes.  I am.

And now she's dead.  I need to change this.  I have the power to do 
that.  I've got to change it.  She shouldn't be dead.  I'm the one who's 

I take her in my arms.  I give her dead body one final kiss.  And then I 
go back.  Back to the past.

The past.

I'm back again.  I can see myself.  I can see her.  I'm getting ready to 
kill her.  And so I blast myself with time.  My past self looks at me as 
I kill him.  There is a sadness in his eyes.  A look of betrayal.

She screams.  Tamela screams as I finish killing him.  And I yell at 
her.  "Get away!!  Get away!!  Just go!!!" I say.  And she runs.  And 
runs.  And part of me wants to go after her.  But I know that would be a 
bad idea.  So I let her leave.  And I want her.  And I hate her.  And I 
love her.

And then I look at myself.  Lying on the street corner.  Dying.  I'm 
sorry.  But you deserved it.  You're evil.  A monster.  You and me.  We 
don't deserve love.  And he dies.

And I look at my hands.  So bloody.  Oh love.  What a horrible thing you 



It just goes on and on.

I need to go somewhere else.

To the future?


To the past.

Always to the past.

To be continued... Tomorrow...


The little scene at the beginning was ripped from Drizzt's Cry.Sig... 
Crossover Queen and Continuity Champ are his...

Self-Righteous Preacher is Raymond "wReam" Bingham's
The Time Crapper is Jef Kolodziej's
Sarcastic Lad is Gary St. Lawrence's
Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Occultism Kid and Kid Recap are Josh Geurink's
Master Blaster is Martin Phipps's
Fourth Wall Lass is Saxon Brenton's
WikiBoy is Tom Russell's
List Lad is Todd "Scavenger" Kogutt's
Kirbybots are Jameel al Khafiz's

Writer's Notes:

You can think of this as JONG #6 if you want since I probably won't be 
writing that anytime soon.  This will probably be the last Slobbering 
Grue! story I ever write.  Just don't feel like I have anything more to 
say about this character.  I'm quite a bit different now from the 
teenager who created the Slobbering Grue!  Somehow, saliva jokes aren't 
quite as funny as they once were.

Probably still write more Self-Righteous Preacher stuff since I enjoy 
writing the character.

The Time Crapper stuff and its tone seem slightly out of place here. 
But oh well.

Not really much of an Easter story.

Now I need to write that California Kid story...

Arthur "Have a good Easter" Spitzer

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