LNH: LNH Comics Presents #36: INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG Episode One

[Arthur Spitzer]

        Legion of Net.Heroes Comics Presents #36




               INFINITE LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG

                      EPISODE ONE





The radio was blaring Disco Inferno.  And the car?  The car, a '72 Mazda 
Cosmo, was driving to hell knows where at a cool 80 miles an hour.  And 
Sgt. Felix Landers was driving this car.  Seated next to him was his 
girl.  Linda was her name.

"Uhhgg.  I hate this disco music.  Mind if I change it?" Linda said as 
she reached for the radio knob.

Felix gave a shrug.  A tumbleweed blew across the highway.

<<This here is DJ Dr. Flipseid grooving you to another hour of the best 
bellbottom dance music that a mood ring can buy.  So rub your lava lamps 
and get our your boogie shoes and get ready to shake your booties... 
But first before we do that the Doctor has a little message for all you 
Far Out Cosmic Cats out there...>>

"There's something wrong with your radio, Felix.  Can't seem to change 
it."  Linda laughed to herself.  "God, this guy is so corny."

Felix wanted to laugh also, but there was something about that voice 
that put a chill into him.  He had heard that voice before.  Why was he 
scared of that voice?  "Turn off the radio, Linda.  Please."

<<i cannot fight you now, but know that my time will come again.>>

"I can't seem to turn it off.  It's stuck," Linda said fiddling with the 
radio.

<<i place this curse upon you.  that you will suffer the
knowledge that one of your own could have prevented your doom, but...>>

"Ick.  There's something coming out of the radio.  Some kind of pink 
slimy like substance."  Linda with a very disgusted expression looked 
for something to wipe her hand with.  The pink slimy stuff continued to 
pour out of the radio.

<<this is flipseid's curse....>>

Felix slammed the brakes of his car.  The pink slime started to spray 
out of the radio.  "Linda get out!" Felix shouted as he quickly opened 
his door.  But Linda was still in the overflowing car.  Pink Meat 
started to pour from the sky.  "Linda!"  The car started to sink into 
the ground as an ocean of pink meat drowned the surface of the world. 
He could feel himself sinking into it even as he tried to save Linda 
from the car.

Suddenly, he found himself in a world that was filled with this pink 
horror.  He tried to keep himself from completely sinking under.  And 
something started to emerge from the pink meat.  People made out of this 
pink meat.  Familiar looking people.

One looked like Sig.Lad.  Another like Catalyst Lass.  Organic Lass. 
Sarcastic Lad.  Kid Kirby.

"You killed us all," said the one who looked like Organic Lass.

"No!  It wasn't my... Please!  I'm sinking."

"You can still save us though," said a Dr. Stomper like man.

"How?  How can I?  Please...?"

"BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!" said the Sarcastic Lad like figure.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  BEEP!

And Fearless Leader woke up.  Ugh.  Stupid dream.

BEEP! BEEP!

Can't seem to move, Fearless Leader thought to himself.  He seemed to be 
paralyzed from the neck down.  What was wrong with him?

BEEP! BEEP!

Hell.  It was his pajamas.  Someone had sewn his PJs to the bed!

BEEP! BEEP!

Fearless Leader sighed to himself.  This was going to be a long day.

BEEP! BEEP!


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                Fearless Leader's Day

                         or

          How I Learned to Stop Worrying
     and Love the Whoopee Cushion of Death...

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05:30

Fearless Leader walked down the hallway with a cup of joe in one hand 
and a stack of folders in the other.  It was going to be a busy day.

Before he could reach his destination though he stumbled upon a strange 
sight.  The Preacher was giving one of his fire and brimstone sermons to 
some object in the hallway and there was some guy in gorilla suit next 
to him.

"What the -- what the hell is going on here?"

"Blasphemer!"  Self-Righteous Preacher wiped some sweat off his brow. 
"I am trying to save this Muslim Suicide Bomber Whoopee Cushion's soul 
from entering the pit of fire!!"

"Um.  Okay."  Fearless backed slightly away.

"Look.  I believe I can explain this," said the guy in the gorilla suit 
in a rather academic type voice.

"Dr. Stomper?  Is that you -- wearing a...?"

The guy in the gorilla suit nodded his head.  "Let's go over here and 
discuss this."  Fearless Leader followed where Dr. Stomper was directing 
him.  "This is a very delicate situation we're in.  You see that whoopee 
cushion over there?  It has enough power to destroy the Looniverse, 
rec.arts.comics.creative and probably a few newsgroups next to RACC."

"Umm.  Okay.  But *Why* -- Why are you wearing a *Gorilla Suit*?"

"This bomb we're dealing with feeds on seriousness and angst.  If the 
LNHQ gets too serious today, this thing is going to destroy us all." 
Doctor Stomper showed Fearless Leader his scanner.  "Right now we're at 
a Silliness level of 5.33.  If the silliness level drops to below 5.00 
this device could very well detonate."

"This is a prank, right?  Please tell me this is a prank."

Dr. Stomper shook his gorilla head in a somber way.  "Right now we've 
got a team headed by Frat Boy going to alt.shenanigans to find a way to 
defuse it.  We believe this device was some congratulation present for 
getting RACC passed back in '94 from the netizens of alt.shenanigans. 
It was kept in a storage area that no one had bothered to go into since 
that time until last night when Bad Timing Boy accidentally knocked a 
basketball into the room, which accidentally triggered the device.  And 
here we are now.

"Of course."  Fearless Leader sighed to himself.  "So, how can I help 
with this?"

"You can wear this on your head."  Dr. Stomper handed Fearless Leader a 
Carmen Miranda style fruit hat.

Fearless looked at the fruit hat.  "You're serious?"

"I wouldn't be wearing this gorilla suit if I weren't completely serious."

Fearless Leader placed the fruit hat on his head reluctantly.

"And you should probably also wear this."  Dr. Stomper handed Fearless 
Leader a coconut bra.

"No.  I'm not wearing that.  I am not.  I am not..."

"Every bit of silliness helps," Dr. Stomper pointed out.

"Fine!  Goddamnit."  Fearless Leader snatched the coconut bra from the 
Doctor's fingers.  "Could you help me put it on?

Dr. Stomper nodded his gorilla head.

"And therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with 
the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of 
sincerity and truth!!!!  Be gone Satan!!! Begone!!!!!  Accept Jesus 
Christ as your Savior!!!!"  The Preacher's voice rolled through the 
hallway like thunder.

I'm not going to survive this day, Fearless Leader thought to himself.

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08:53

"Is Contraption Man's condition bad?" Fearless Leader said with a 
concerned expression as he looked down at the unconscious body lying on 
the hospital bed.

"Well, yeah.  Comas are usually considered a bad thing," Dr. 
Bad-Bedside-Manner said as he took a cigarette out of his mouth and 
puffed a little cloud of smoke.

Fearless Leader coughed to himself.  "Well.  What happened?  How did he 
get this way?"

"Oh, you know... the usual.  Popped in from the future and started 
screaming, 'No Future!  No Future!'  And then afterwards completely 
collapsed into Mr. Comatose.  And completely ruined this golf game I had 
for today, I might add."

"What's going to happen to him?"

"Oh, they'll probably cart him off to the Comatose Contraption Man Ward 
with all the other comatose Contraption Mans."

"You're not serious... Are you?"

"Nah.  Kidding.  But wouldn't it be cool if there were Comatose 
Contraption Man Ward?  Ah, but we can dream -- can't we?"  Dr. 
Bad-Bedside-Manner took another puff from his cigarette.

"Should you be smoking in here?"

Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner quickly dropped his cigarette behind him.  "No. 
My bad.  Sorry, just trying to get rid of this nasty nicotine gum habit 
I have.  Won't happen again."

Fearless Leader shook his head and sighed.  And then looked over to the 
door.  Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad was standing by it waiting for something.

"Can I help you Pulls Paper out of Hats Lad?" Fearless Leader asked.

"Oh. No.  Nope.  Just need to get a check-up from the doctor.  Been 
having some problems with my powers."

"Really?" Fearless Leader said with concern.  "What type of problems?"

"Oh, it's nothing really -- just that every time now that I grab a piece 
of paper -- the paper -- well the paper is yellowish and kind of 
brittle.  Like it's been aged.  I don't know.  Might be a fungus or 
something."

"Well, if you have anymore problems with powers or anything else be sure 
and come to me and I'll try to help if I can."

"Sure thing, FL.  Oh btw nice hat."

Fearless Leader growled to himself.  "Okay.  Well, I have this meeting 
to attend.  Later soldiers."  With that Fearless Leader left the room.

Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner looked to see if he was completely gone.  And 
then he picked up the cigarette off the floor and starting puffing it 
again.  "Okay, Champ.  Strip."

"Um... all my clothes?" Pulls Paper out of Hats Boy said with a little 
hesitation.

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Who's the doctor here?  Now strip!"  Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner began to 
put on his rubber gloves.

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12:23

Fearless Leader looked down into his bowl of alphabet soup at the 
swimming letters.  So far this day had been an utter disaster.  Someone 
had nailed all of Ultimate Ninja's furniture (well -- now it was his. 
At least for the month.) to the ceiling.  The LNH phone lines were being 
swamped with prank calls.  People were leaving burning bags of poop by 
the door, ringing the bell, and then quickly leaving.  All the glassware 
had been replace by dribble glasses.  'Kick Me' signs were appearing on 
almost everyone's back.  And someone had put a whole bottle of Tabasco 
Sauce into his soup.

Had other April Fool's Days been this bad?  He tried to remember.  Maybe 
he had lucked out and had been absent for all those past ones.  Of 
course he couldn't imagine the Ultimate Ninja putting up with this. 
Heads would have rolled and hearts would have been pulled out of 
people's chests.  No.  This wouldn't have happened on the ninja's watch. 
  Perhaps everyone was seeing how much they could get away with now that 
the ninja was gone.  He would have to start disciplining people.  Make 
them do push-ups or something.  He needed to make these people know who 
was in charge.  He took a sip of his soup.  Ouch!  Hot!  Hot!  Hot! 
Fearless Leader sighed and took a big gulp of ice cold water, which 
dribbled all over his shirt.

"Hi, Fearless Leader!  Cute coconuts," spoke a very sultry feminine 
sounding voice.

Fearless Leader looked up from his lunch.  It was the sexiest woman he 
had ever seen.  Even with the fake arrow wig over her head and the 
strange glasses that had dangling eyeballs, these items couldn't hide 
the smoldering volcano of hotness that was her body.  The various rips 
of what little else she was wearing told him who he was looking at. 
"Ripping Dancer."

"Mind if I sit here?  This table seems rather empty."

"No.  Go ahead -- if you want," Fearless Leader tried to respond in a 
nonchalant way.

Ripping Dancer put down her tray of food.  "This has been a crazy day 
hasn't it?  Are all April Fool's Days like this?"

Fearless Leader shrugged his head.  "As far as I know this one's been 
the worst."

"Still it's fun -- in its way.  Right?  It beats all the angst and 
seriousness that usually hovers around this place."

"I suppose so.  I could live with a little less silliness myself."

"You like to eat alone.  Don't you?"

Fearless Leader hesitated a bit before he answered.  "No.  I -- I don't 
like to eat alone.  It's just the way it is.  It's just hard to -- to -- 
I don't know how to put it."

"I think I understand.  It's hard to make a connection here.  It's hard 
to relate with people.  Everyone's got their baggage -- their own 
personal drama and life tragedies.  You've got people here who can make 
a connection -- who've got their cliches and groups where they can 
belong.  But sometimes you don't have any of that.  I know what that's 
like.  I've got tons of guys who would love to do all kinds of things to 
me -- but a friend -- someone I can talk to -- about life and stuff.  I 
just can't seem to make that connection.  You're not alone Fearless Leader."

"Maybe.  It doesn't bother me.  It's just life.  I can't talk about my 
problems anyway."

"Why not?  It's okay.  You know.  I've got an idea.  We could go out for 
coffee sometime.  Just the two of us.  And just talk.  Are you interested?"

Fearless Leader looked over at another table.  People seemed to staring 
at him.  Laughing at him.  Laughing.  And laughing.  "Oh, I get it. 
This is a prank, right?  That's what it is.  Of course -- a joke.  You 
guys are really hilarious.  What do you have planned next?"

"I -- uh..."  Ripping Dancers face had a very pained and flustered 
expression on it.  "I -- wasn't -- wasn't... I'm sorry.  I'll leave."  A 
shaken Ripping Dancer stood up quickly and started to walk away.

Christ, what are you doing?  Stop her -- you idiot, Fearless Leader 
thought to himself.  "Wait!  Was -- That was real.  That was a real 
offer, wasn't it?  Please.  Sit.  Sit down.  I'm -- I'm sorry -- This 
day's been hell.  I'm having a hard time -- knowing what and what isn't 
a gag today.  You're beautiful and -- please..."

Ripping Dancer looked back at him.  And then she walked back.  And she 
sat back down.  "It's okay."  She lightly touched Fearless Leader's hand 
with her hand.  "Coffee."

"Coffee?"

Ripping Dancer nodded.  "Coffee."

"Wednesday?"

"Sure."  Ripping Dancer smiled.

"Just friends having some coffee."

"Yeah.  No big deal."

"Okay then."

"Okay."  They sort of paused and just looked at each other.  And then 
Ripping Dancer told Fearless Leader she had to leave and waved bye.  And 
Fearless Leader waved bye back.

Coffee.  A smile broke out of Fearless Leader's face.  Well, this day 
might not be so horrible.

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18:04

Fearless Leader sat down Indian style on the ground encircled by a stack 
of folders and papers.  He briefly looked up towards the ceiling.  His 
desk and chair were still nailed up there.  Where was Domestic Lad when 
you really needed him?

His train of thought was interrupted by a knock on the door.  "Come in!"

Someone wearing a Marilyn Monroe style blonde wig, black leather 
lingerie, and high heels walked into the room.  A familiar looking face.

"Irony Man?  Toony?  Toony Stork?"

"Yeah," Irony Man said with a smidgen of embarrassment.  "That would be 
me.  Like my new get up?  It was Vincent's idea."

Fearless Leader chuckled to himself.

"Ah.  The things we do to save the world, eh?"

"Yeah.  Amazing the world's still is one piece."

Irony Man laughed.  "So how are you liking your first day on the job?"

Fearless Leader pointed to the ceiling.  "Oh, it's been just one raging 
headache after another."

Irony Man nodded.  "It's amazing the ninja managed to last as long as he 
did.  And amazing he didn't take a vacation sooner."

"Yeah, well... So how is this Death Whoopee Cushion situation shaping 
up?  Has any progress been made?"

Irony Man shook his head.  "Other than ramping up some additional 
silliness, we still can't figure out how to disarm it.  And we think the 
first team we sent to alt.shenanigans might be being held prisoner.  We 
might have to send a second team to rescue the first team."

"Wonderful."  Fearless Leader crumpled a piece of paper he had in his hand.

"You know, Felix -- Mind if I call you Felix?  This whole leadership 
situation might last longer than a month.  I think the ninja has slowly 
been cracking ever since that whole Killfile stuff last year.  I think 
change is coming.  And we've got to prepare for that change."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning someone else is going to have to take the reigns, to steer the 
LNH into the new millennium.  Now, me -- I don't really want the job.  I 
mean I've got the experience and seniority -- and the money -- but it's 
a tough job.  But we do need some one who understands this new world we 
live in."

"And how exactly does that go?"

Irony Man walked over to the window and briefly opened the blinds before 
shutting them.  "Well, take the LNH Registration Act.  Now everyone in 
the LNH hates it, but -- you see the public wants it to happen.  It's 
going to happen.  We can't stop it from happening.  We need a leader who 
understands that.  We need a leader who can play ball with the 
government.  Who can make the LNH Registration Act work for us instead 
of against us."

"We need to play ball with people like your good buddy Hex Luthor -- is 
that what you're saying?"

"Ah, Hex -- Hex is a complex man.  He understands things.  He 
understands the world.  He understands that the world needs an LNH.  It 
doesn't benefit him if the LNH is outlawed."

"Hex wants to see us as his own personal army or in concentration camps."

"That's harsh.  You just need to spend time with him.  Talk to him.  The 
LNH Registration Act is going to happen.  Are you going to lead us off 
the cliff?  Or are you going to realize sometimes in this world you have 
to make deals with people you don't like?  Sometimes principles get in 
the way of progress."

"You know Toony?  You're starting to sound awfully like a supervillain."

Irony Man laughed.  "There you go.  Thinking in black and white terms. 
It's a complex world.  Well.  I've got to go.  Been nice talking to you. 
  Hope you can survive the month."

With that Irony Man straightened up his blonde wig and leather lingerie 
and made his way out of Fearless Leader's office.

Fearless Leader straightened his Carmen Miranda fruit hat and coconut 
bra.  That had to be the most absurd conversation he had ever had.

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23:55

Fearless Leader looked at his watch and yawned to himself. 
Self-Righteous Preacher was still trying to save the Whoopee Cushion of 
Death's soul.  And Dr. Stomper was still wearing a gorilla suit.

"Well, Doctor?  Am I ever going to be able to take off this fruit hat?"

"In about five more minutes -- you see I think this bomb only functions 
on April Fool's Day.  So at midnight the bomb should turn itself off -- 
assuming I'm right we'll only have to worry about this every April 
Fool's Day."

"Well, it damn well better be fixed by next April Fool's Day.  *Sigh* 
Lord, I'm beat.  I'm going to go to my room and catch a few winks.  Talk 
to you in the morning, Doctor."

"Goodnight, FL."

Fearless Leader walked back to his room.

As he opened the door, he thought about how good it would be to just 
slip into the covers and go into a complete coma.  To put his head on 
his pillow and forget about the whole day.  Sleep and sleep and sleep. 
He clicked on his light switch and looked into his room.  Of course.  Of 
course.  Fearless Leader looked at his bed.  Hanging from the ceiling. 
Fearless Leader sighed.  Heads were going to roll tomorrow.  He looked 
to the floor and saw that someone had left a card.  He went over and 
picked the card off the floor.

'Dear Fearless Leader,

Hope you enjoyed your first day.

The fun has just begun.

Signed,
Your ever loving Legionnaires in the LNH'

A little smile broke from Fearless Leader's face.  Oh well, at least it 
was midnight.  He could finally take off this stupid hat and coconut bra.

But fate, alas, had other plans for Fearless Leader.  And Fearless 
Leader vanished right as the clock hit midnight.  Fruit hat, coconut 
bra, and the rest of him.


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To be continued...
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Credits:

Some of DJ Dr. Flipseid's dialogue was acquired from Stranger Tales #6 
by Dave Van Domelen

Fearless Leader is Dave Van Domelen's
Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Dr. Bad-Bedside-Manner is Peter "Tick" Milan's
Irony Man is Doug Moran's
Contraption Man is Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Self-Righteous Preacher is Raymond "wReam" Bingham's

Arthur "April Fool" Spitzer