[LNH] Untold Tales of the Looniverse #2

[Martin Phipps]

  "Hi, I'm Alan.  I specialize in hair and grooming."
  "Hi, I'm Bob.  I specialize in clothes and costumes."
  "Hi, I'm Chris.  I speacialize in interior decorating."
  "Hi, I've Dave.  I specialize in manners and etiquette."
  "Hi, I'm Eric.  I specialize in food and health.  Having trouble with
that special someone?  Not ready just yet to reveal who you really are?
 We can help!  This is...

                     QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT HERO!"

  "This week, our client is the caped crusader, Ratman!"
  "Hi.  I'm Ratman.  I'm a straight hero."
  "Okay, Ratman, let's see what you look like under the mask."
  "Um.  My mask protects my secret identity.  I'm not going to take it
off on TV."
  "Oh for heaven's sake!  Folks, Ratman is secretly Bruce Blaine.
Okay, Bruce, you can take the mask off now."
  "You just revealed my secret identity on TV?"
  "Do you want to find that special someone or not?"
  "Mask coming off.  Okay.  So what do you think?"
  "Ew."
  "Ew?"
  "Well, for starters, you've got a severe case of mask hair."
  "I spend a lot of time in costume."
  "We definitely need to clean you up.  We're going to start by giving
you a bath."
  "Excuse me... you guys are going to give me a bath?"
  "Oh, for heavens sake, Bruce, stop being such a homophobe!  This is
for your own good."
  "I'm sure, but I would just feel more comfortable if we hired some
women to give me a bath.  Why don't we go to a hotel room and I'll call
up a service I know and they'll send some women over."
  "Fair enough."

Later...

  "Okay, we're going to have to edit some of that footage for
television."
  "It was all part of the service."
  "Anyway, you clean up really well.  In fact, hmm, are you sure you
don't want to, you know, bat for the other team?"
  "Yes, I'm sure.  And please don't ask me questions like that.  I'm
nervous enough as it is."
  "Fair enough.  Now we have to work on your Ratman costume."
  "What's wrong with my Ratman costume?"
  "It's too intimidating.  It scares people off."
  "It's supposed to be intimidating.  It's supposed to scare people."
  "Well, it just won't do.  It's the mask you wear.  It's the face you
show to the world."
  "Yeah.  Literally."
  "If you want to attract that special someone then the old costume has
to go."
  "Okay.  What do you have in mind?"

Later...

  "Well?  What do you think?"
  "I don't know.  It's awfully bright."
  "Brighter colours bring out your softer side.  They tell people that
you want to be loved."
  "But I want to blend into the darkness.  I want to catch evildoers by
surprise."
  "Oh you will definitely catch evildoers by surprise in that costume!
They will just take one look at you and say 'Ratman, my God, where did
you get that stunning costume!  It's fabulous!'"
  "That's not exactly what I mean.  The villains I fight are
psychopaths.  They don't care what I wear."
  "Well, if your villains don't care what you wear then you might as
well wear something that will make you feel good.  Dark, drab colours
are only going to put you into a dark, drab mood.  You want a new
costume to reflect the new you!"
  "Alright.  If you say so."
  "Now let's go back to the Ratcave."

Back at the Ratcave...

  "Hmm.  This won't do."
  "What's wrong?"
  "The furniture.  The way it's arranged.  It's too drab.  There's not
enough life in this room."
  "Okay.  Whatever.  I don't think that much about furniture.  I'm a
straight guy."
  "Don't worry.  We'll buy all new furniture for you and have it
brought in."

Later...

  "So... what do you think?"
  "Wow.  It looks really high tech."
  "You needed something more modern."
  "I like it.  Thanks."
  "Here we have a plastic chair that you can use to sit down at the
Ratcomputer.  Over here, we have a sofa which is soft enough that you
can take a ratnap in the afternoon.  Over here, we have a metal
bookshelf where you can... um... Bruce?"
  "Yeah."
  "Please pay attention."
  "I'm sorry, I tend to tune out when people are describing furniture."
  "That's the last thing we need to work on.  Your manners."
  "What the hell is wrong with my manners?!"
  "Bruce.  Please."
  "Sorry."
  "Your last date.  How did it go?"
  "It wasn't really a date.  I had just subdued Pussywoman.  She was
unconscious.  So I figured it was safe to take her back to the
Ratcave."
  "And how did that go?"
  "Not very well.  When she woke up, she started freaking out.  I had
to knock her unconscious again.  After that I just turned her over to
the police.  That's when I contacted you guys."
  "Bruce, you need to learn to interact with people in a way that
doesn't involve just hitting them.  Have you considered taking an anger
management course."
  "Actually, I want to keep my anger, thank you very much.  It's what
motivates me to be Ratman."
  "Fair enough, but you need to also bring out your softer side when
you're with a beautiful woman."
  "Alright."
  "Finally, we need to talk about your diet."
  "My diet?"
  "Yeah.  We figure exercise is not an issue for you because you're
always fighting villains but we were wondering what you ate."
  "Um... Albert, my butler, he serves me all my meals."
  "Alright.  But what if you're having an intimate dinner for two?"
  "I don't know."
  "Pasta is always good.  It's easy to cook: just boil it up and add
sauce.  Plus, it's fun and filling.  It's a bit too filling sometimes:
you might want to stick to Jello for desert."
  "Great.  Guys, thanks a lot."
  "Wait!  We're not done!"
  "We're not?"
  "We had Pussyman released from prison so you could continue your
date!"
  "You did?"
  "Here she is!"
  "Hi."
  "Hi."
  "I love the new costume."
  "Thanks."
  "And I love what you've done with the Ratcave.  Sorry I kept
screaming last time."
  "It's okay."
  "So... you revealed your secret identity... for me."
  "I guess so."
  "Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before."
  "They haven't?"
  "No.  Tell you what, Bruce.  Why don't we just skip dinner.  I'm not
hungry."
  "Me neither."
  "Not for food anyway."
  "Heh heh heh.  Um... guys... are you sure you want to stick around?"
  "We want to know how the date turns out."
  "Um... it looks like it's working out very well.  Why don't you guys
go somewhere else?"
  "Okay.  We'll be right over there if you need any help."
  "I won't.  Thanks anyway."

Later...

  "So... how was the date?"
  "I'm sorry... um... I'm a little bit worn out."
  "I know.  We heard everything.  Pussywoman is such a vixen!  You go
girl!"
  "Thanks."
  "You know, Ratman, that's twice today for you.  With that kind of
stamina, you could play for *both* teams."
  "I told you not to talk about that."
  "Fair enough.  So are you satisfied with how things have turned out."
  "Oh... God... yeah."
  "Well then we've done our job.  'Til next time, we're Alan, Bob,
Chris, Dave and Eric and this has been... QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT
HERO!"

                                                           THE END

Martin