LNH: Untold Tales of the Looniverse #1

[Martin Phipps]

                                 Untold Tales of the Looniverse #1

                                            CSI: DENMARK

  "Hamlet."
  "Who's there?"
  "Hamlet, I'm your father."
  "My father is dead."
  "I'm a ghost, you idiot."
  "Okay."
  "Hamlet, you must avenge me."
  "You want me to find the snake that bit you?"
  "I was murdered, Hamlet!"
  "By whom?"
  "By your Uncle Claudius.  He poured poison into your father's ear."
  "Can you prove this?"
  "Excuse me?"
  "Would you at least be willing to testify in court?"
  "I'm a ghost, you moron."
  "So basically you're asking me to proceed with this without any
supporting evidence."
  "What?"
  "Father, what would you ask of me?"
  "I want you to kill the son of a --"

Later, in the morgue...

  "You had your father's body exumed?"
  "Yes, Horatio, for I am the Prince of Denmark!"
  "But why?"
  "I'm trying to find evidence that he was poisoned."
  "What sort of evidence?"
  "I'm not sure.  Discolouration perhaps.  He does look pale."
  "Hamlet, he's dead."
  "Look at these marks on the skin."
  "Hamlet, he's been decomposing."
  "Ew!  Something smells rotten in the state of Denmark!"
  "Hamlet, that's how a dead body smells."
  "Okay, I admit it: I don't know what I'm doing."

  Hamlet picks up a skull.

  "Alas poor Yorick!  I knew him well, Horatio."
  "But Hamlet, how can you tell it's him?"
  "Good point."

  Hamlet picks up a portable scanner and proceeds to run scans of the
skull which he then uploads into a computer.  The computer takes the
scans and reproduces a three dimensional image of the skull.  It then
extrapolates based on the structure of the skull to produce an image of
what the victim must have looked like.

  "See?  It's Yorick!"
  "Oh yeah."

Later...

  "We're going to put on a play which has a man killed in a garden by
having poison poured in his ear.  We will then watch and see how
Claudius reacts."
  "Hamlet, why don't you just try questioning him?"
  "Do you think that might work?"
  "It's worth a try."

And so...

  "Claudius, where were you on the night Hamlet's father died?"
  "I was sleeping with Hamlet's mother, Gertrude."
  "Is that so?  Hamlet, this isn't going to work: he's got an alibi."
  "You slept with my mother while my father was still alive?"
  "Hamlet, your mother is seriously hot to trot."
  "That's motive for murder!"
  "Not really.  I mean, if I could have your mother when your father
was still around then it would have only have been necessary to kill
him if I also wanted the crown.  Not saying I did though."
  "Fair enough."

Later, in a local church...

  "My Lord, Hamlet suspects that I killed his father.  I feel so
guilty!"
  "Aha!  I heard that!"
  "Hamlet!  I was praying!"
  "So?"
  "So it's heresay!  It's inadmissable in court!"
  "You had the right to remain silent!"
  "The judge will dismiss the case!"
  "How can you be sure?"
  "Because I'm the king of Denmark!  He'll dismiss the case if I tell
him to!"
  "Then I should kill you now and get revenge for my father!"
  "Now hold on!  I have the right to a fair trial!"

Later...

  "Laertes, I want you to kill Hamlet for me."
  "How?"
  "I'm going to put poison on the tip of a sword and you're going to
challenge him to a duel."
  "Wouldn't it be easier to just shoot him?"

And so...

  "Ha ha ha!  Hamlet, you are going to die!"
  "What are you talking about?  My wound is not fatal!"
  "Ah but it is!  I put poison on the sword!"
  "Oh really?  THIS sword."
  "Ow.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all."

Finally...

  "Could you describe to me what happened here?"
  "Yeah.  Claudius killed Hamlet's father so Hamlet wanted revenge, but
Hamlet accidentally killed Laertes' father by mistake so Laertes
challenged Hamlet to a duel and Hamlet fatally stabbed Laertes with his
sword.  Unfortunately, Laertes' sword was tipped with poison and that's
why Hamlet is dead.  Claudius also put poison in the wine for Hamlet to
drink in case he didn't die in the duel, but Hamlet's mother drank that
wine and now she's dead.  And before Hamlet died, he managed to kill
Claudius with the poisoned sword."
  "Alright.  My team is going to be here for a while.  We're going to
dust for fingerprints and collect hair and blood samples while music by
The Who plays in the background."
  "But why?  I just told you what happened."
  "It's what we do."

                                                            THE END