LNH: Alt.stralian Yarns #2: By Popular Demand
mitchell_crouch at caladrius.com.au
Tue Oct 31 00:29:18 PST 2006
#2 - 'By Popular Demand'
by Mitchell Crouch
Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man leant against his favourite blue
gum, and looked out over his flock of free-range hens. Lately, some
feral foxes had been attacking the flock. City-Slicker Gent and his
missus still hadn't woken up, so he took the first couple of hours off
this morning to keep an eye on them.
His prime rooster stood at the opening of a massive trench that faced
eastwards, and cock-a-doodle-dooed at the rising sun. The powerful
sonic blast ripped through the trench, flattening the sides and
destroying an earthworm foolish enough to pop its head out at the wrong
He heard a scream from inside the house, and knew instantly that the
blast had awoken the missus. Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man shook
his head and sighed.
He sat for a while longer in silence, and a small fox crept out of the
bushes. Been-Out-Bush leaned forward in anticipation, and then there
was a slam followed by a nearby "What the gosh darn heck was that?!"
The fox ran away into the bushes as City Slicker made his way through
"Listen, after seeing those cow _things_, and that pathetic _excuse_
for a toilet, I demand to know just what kind of operation you're
running here, cousin!"
"Farming _what_? Monsters?"
"Just beef, eggs, an' chikkin."
"Oh?" City-Slicker seemed unusually riled up. "And what do the birds
do, hm? Fly?"
There was a silence. "More so than normal birds, I mean."
"Of course you do."
City-Slicker Gent looked down at his feet, and then back at
Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man. "I really hate you right now, you
Been-Out-Bush shrugged. "Maybe you just ain't fit for life in the bush,
"Yeah? Well... well..." City-Slicker Gent spluttered for a bit, and
then managed, "Maybe you've been out bush for way too long, man!"
Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man sighed and shook his head. "Are you
always this stupid when you're angry?"
City-Slicker Gent howled and kicked at a nearby chicken. The chicken
was propelled into the side of the henhouse, and Been-Out-Bush swore
and hit the dirt.
Suddenly, the chicken _hulked out_, and roared unintelligently,
Several other chickens followed suite, and soon there was a barnyard
full of hulked out chickens and giant-sized sonic-screeching roosters.
A rooster blasted City-Slicker Gent to the ground, and the original
chicken stomped on him angrily, before graphically pecking his heart
The flock then stampeded towards the farmhouse, destroying everything
in their wake.
After the ground had stopped shaking, Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long
Man snuck out from behind the tree he had ended up hiding behind, and
made his way over to City-Slicker's body. "Not... dead..." he rasped.
Been-Out-Bush rolled his eyes, and grabbed some nearby chicken dung,
which, incidentally, had also hulked out. He rubbed it in the wound,
much to the apparent agony of City-Slicker Gent, who was then able to
"Increbidle!" he cried.
"You mean 'incredible', don't you?"
"How did you do that?"
BOBFWTLMan shrugged. "Old bush remedy. Everyone knows that if you get
your heart graphically pecked out by superpoultry, you merely apply
superpoultry faeces to the wound."
He then looked up, straight at you. "Never forget that - this is a
real cure for superpoultry impalement." He held some faeces up into the
panel. "If you don't believe me, try it yourself. I dare you."
He then looked back to his third cousin. "Well, I s'pose we'd better go
find ya missus, then."
City-Slicker Gent looked towards the house, and chucked a ninny. "Gosh
darn!" he exclaimed. "My missus!"
He began to sprint towards the ruins of the farmhouse.
"Don't worry, mate," called out Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man.
"I'm sure she'll be happy as Larry."
"Why?" shot City-Slicker Gent back over his shoulder as he continued to
hurry towards the ruins of the farmhouse that had been destroyed by the
massive superpoultry that had hulked out when he kicked one in his
anger at his third cousin for having been out bush for way too long
which, incidentally, saved his life when the bird graphically pecked
his heart out and Been-Out-Bush-For-Way-Too-Long Man was able to make
the boo-boo go bye-bye with an old bush remedy.
"Well," began BOBFWTLMan, "I'll _have_ to fix the dunny now, won't I?"
First off, I'd just like to apologise for the poor quality of writing
exhibited herein. I reread it after I was done and found myself wincing
many a time at sad attempts at humour, but I trust that you'll all be
able to find it in your hearts to forgive me.
On a sidenote, I didn't get this done sooner and in significantly
better quality because of 61 pages of 'short story' I ended up pumping
out for an English assignment, 32 pages of which may be witnessed here:
http://h1.ripway.com/Tarq/Cape01.doc Think of it as your treat (or
trick) for this Hallowe'en.
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