LNH: Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #21

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Mon Nov 27 06:08:07 PST 2006

                                              Legion of Net.Heroes
Volume 2 #21


Somewhere in Tai1...

  "I'm hungry," Deja Dude's wife, Imelda, complained.
  "Hmm," Deja Dude said.  "How about RACCDonalds?"
  "I want chicken."
  "I think RACCDonalds serves chicken here," Deja Dude said.  "Let's
find out."

  "Four pieces of chicken, please."
  "Yes, please.  Two regular sized pouches."
  "Um... Sprite.  Two regular sized Sprites."
  Deja Dude turned to his wife.  "It'll just be a minute."
  "You understand Chinese?!" Imelda asked, amazed.
  Deja Dude laughed.  "I don't have to."
  "What do you mean."
  "RACCDonalds is the same everywhere," Deja Dude said with a broad
smile.  "I know exactly what they are going to ask before they even
  "Nidecanchidegaoxingxiexie," the sales clerk said as she handed Deja
Dude the food.  The sales clerk was cute but she was a bit fat, which
of course made perfect sense if she ate there every night she was
  Deja Dude and Imelda found a table and sat down.  As they started
eating Imelda looked around the restaurant.  "These Chinese," she said
with scorn.
  "What about them?" Deja Dude asked.  His wife was Filipino.  It never
ceased to amaze him how Asian people would make racist remarks about
each other.  He braced himself.
  "They're just eating."
  "They're not talking."
  "Right," Deja Dude said with a smile.  "They know not to talk with
their mouths full."
  "No," Imelda said.  "Even when they are finished eating, they aren't
talking.  They just sit there.  Then they leave."
  "Hmm," Deja Dude said, "that is strange."
  "Chinese people are strange," Imelda said.
  "No, I mean it's strange for them too."  Deja Dude sighed.  "Chinese
people are no different from Filipinos or Canadians or Americans.  They
come to RACCDonalds not just to eat but to talk to their friends."
Deja Dude sniffed the chicken.  "Maybe there's something in the food."
He looked at his wife.  "Maybe we should stop eating."
  "No," she said.  "I'm hungry."
  "Okay," Deja Dude said, "then I'll stop eating."
  "No, you eat," Imelda said.  "You paid for that.  You eat it."
  "Okay," Deja Dude said and resumed eating.
  Minutes later Imelda put down he chicken adn said "I'm full".
  "You said you were hungry," Deja Dude pointed out.
  "But I'm full now."  Imelda pointed to her half eaten chicken.  "You
finish this."
  "But I've already..."
  "Please.  Don't waste it."
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Okay.  But later don't complain about me getting

  Finally, they finished eating.
  "We go now," Imelda said.
  "Let's take a taxi?" Deja Dude said.
  "Why?" Imelda asked.  "We could take a bus."
  "I want to show you something."
  Deja Dude and Imelda left RACCDonalds and proceeded to the main road
where they successfully hailed a taxi and got in.
  "Chungtai University," Deja Dude said.
  "I'm Canadian."
  "A few months."
  "Thank you.  You understand English very well as well."
  The taxi driver took them home and when they got out of the taxi
Imelda was suspcious.  "Are you sure he understood you?" she asked.
  "He took us here," Deja Dude pointed out.
  "But the rest of it.  Are you absolutely sure you were answering him
  Deja Dude nodded.  "Taxi drivers always ask the same questions."
  "And maybe foreigners always give the same answers.  If you weren't
listening to him then maybe he wasn't listening to you."
  "Hmm," Deja Dude said.  "Good point."
  "There's one way to know for sure."  Deja Dude produced what looked
like a TV remote control.  He then rewond to the beginning of this
story and picked out only the Chinese dialogue.
  "Nihaohuangyinguangyin.... Niyaochishimo?... Niyeyaoshutiaoma?...
Shimoinliao?... Dengyixia.... Nidecanchidegaoxingxiexie...
Nizainali?... Nicongshimeguo?... Nizaitaiwandoujiu?...
  Deja Dude then replayed the dialogue in slow motion so he could catch
every syllable.
  "Okay," Imelda said.  "So what were they saying?"
  "Hello.  Welcome.... What do you want to eat?... Do you want fries
with that?... What soft drink do you want?... Wait a moment... Enjoy
your meal.  Thank you... Where are you going?... What country are you
from?... How long have you been in Tai1?... You understand Chinese very
well!" Deja Dude said and then he laughed.  "Exactly what I thought
they were saying."
  "You always have to be right," Imelda said sternly.
  Deja Dude continued laughing.  "It's not that I always _have_ to be
right: it's that I always _am_ right.  I can't help that!"
  "Shut up," Imelda said.
  "Shut up?" Deja Dude asked.
  "Shut up or no sex tonight."
  Deja Dude didn't say anything for the rest of the day.


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