BP: Mail Order Super-Heroes #1
drtimphd at gmail.com
Sat Nov 25 17:41:28 PST 2006
Boring Publications Presents...
Mail-Order Super-Heroes #1
By Tim Munn
Somewhere... Deep beneath Cityland...
"Moving on to the next order of business," the well dressed man
said. Rising from his seat, he thumbed through a binder containing
said business, until he reached the business the Heroes Alliance was
about to undertake. A chuckle came from the man when he looked at the
business. "Well... the Official Heroes Alliance Mail-Order
Catalogue. Hereafter referred to as O.H.A.M.O.C., the O.H.A.M.O.C.
would allow virtually anyone to receive the services of the Heroes
Alliance of America and certain catalogued members thereof. It would
also allow to anyone certain privileges of a basic membership in the
Heroes Alliance of America. This order of business is now on the floor
Several of the men and women seated around the large thirteen-seated
table looked to each other. Some shrugged, seemingly apathetic to the
idea. A few looked to be considering it honestly. One man was brave,
and stood at his seat. "As you all know, we're in a lame duck
session of Congress. It's in these times that psychopath serial
killers and former Presidents are pardoned for their crimes; outrageous
spending bills for solid gold toilet seats are approved left and right.
Heck they even give us, their employees, and themselves enormous
raises all the while keeping minimum wage in check. That's why I say
we vote yes. Because if Congress can do it, so can we! I mean,
they're the ones funding this crazy project, not us!" Cheers
erupted throughout the crowd of thirteen, as the O.H.A.M.O.C. was
unanimously approved. It wound its way through the Congressional
Committee on Super-Human Affairs. Approved there it was added to a
spending bill, not for solid gold toilet seats, but for solid gold
Collectors Edition Congressional Pez Dispensers, which itself was
Cityland... In the Heroes Alliance of America Headquarters...
"Sir! I'm sorry I'm so late!" Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass said as
she came running through the double doors of the Commander of
Cityland's Branch Office for the Heroes Alliance, Roger Rampage, his
name in big bold letters across the doors. If she could fly, she would
have been doing it now, as she raced to the commanders' desk.
Skidding to a stop, she nearly fell over her designated chair, and
would have had it not been for the caped man to her left.
"Hello, miss...?" He asked, helping her into her own seat from
beneath his large cape.
"Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass," she replied, returning a smile.
"It was a pleasure," he smiled rather oddly. "You can call me
Challenger. *I live for the challenge!* That's my catchphrase."
She smiled and nodded. "I like a challenging crossword, myself,"
she said, turning her attention to the commander. "Sir, I'm very
sorry. I had a bleeder-"
He looked to her with a crooked eye. "I didn't know, Erin.
I'll call up someone else to take the mission, if you'd like?"
It took a moment, but realized his mistake. "Oh no-no-no!! Not
that sort! At the hospital where I work, Cityland Memorial. I had a
bleeder _there_. A construction worker over at the BarCo building
knicked himself with a nail gun. Fortunately it didn't hit any major
arteries or blood vessels."
He nodded. "We'll send him our best wishes Erin. Now," he
said, rising from his seat. He walked to a nearby filing cabinet,
opening the top drawer, and retrieving a file. "I've asked you
here for a special mission."
Erin grew nervous, for several reasons. First, she was concerned over
what type of mission; what evil-doers would they encounter?; would they
have henchmen and/or traps?; would she have to use her abilities?,
which she herself was incredibly vulnerable to. Her second reason was
simply the fact that she'd never dealt with anyone this high in the
Heroes Alliance Chain of Command. Well, maybe with the exception of
Possible Man... and maybe her father, Master Lawyer. Oh, that was the
best reason for her nerves right now. Those two-dozen (and she thought
at least a few more) times her father had defended Roger in lawsuit
after lawsuit; bringing home file after file, treading back and forth
between desk and liquor cabinet, file in one hand, drink in another;
calling Roger every name in the book and a few other choice expletives
that her mother had made her swear never to repeat.
"Erin," it was Roger, not Waldron, but Rampage looking at her with
great concern. "You spaced out on us there for a minute," he said,
much softer than when he first spoke. "Are you sure you're all
right after the bleeder?" Roger asked, kneeling beside her, his
concern much more prominent in his blue eyes.
"I'm fine. Now, this 'Special Mission'. What's it
Roger opened the file, retrieving three photos. He handed Challenger
a single photo and Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass two. "Your mission is
simply to retrieve those three individuals in as timely a manner as
The two looked over the photographs then the profile of the targets
printed on the backs. Erin spoke up first. "Sir, may I ask why
these individuals need to be brought in?"
"Right now, Erin, that's N-T-K. Need-To-Know." He was about to
leave it at that when Challenger suddenly rose.
"Sir, I wish to thank you. The Challenger has waited far too long
for a Challenge from the Heroes Alliance! I wish to shake your
hand!" Roger nodded and stepped forward. He quickly averted his
eyes, however, when Challenger flung his cape back, revealing a sad
fact. He was dressed only in his underpants. Erin stifled the first
laughs, but could not hold the others back. She averted her eyes, but
only after getting a quick 'reference' look.
"For Christ's sake! Cover up!! Were you born in a nudist
colony?!" Roger said, his eyes looking out the window, wide with
"I'm sorry, sir. It's just that the Alliance hasn't called on
me in nearly six years, and I didn't want to waste anyone's
time..." He covered himself up. "I'll leave now."
Erin started behind Challenger, but was stopped by Roger. "You
leave only after he has left the building. He's only wearing
underpants and you're just a little girl!" Like all slips of the
tongue, he caught his too late.
She didn't wince, wasn't surprised. It's what she got ever
since she'd taken her first Heroes Alliance Placement Test when she
was fourteen. It's what she got when she had parents like Master
Lawyer and Atomic Lady; their rubbing elbows with some of the legends
of the Heroes Alliance through Law & Science, and the up-and-coming
kids like Possible Man. She was in on the action, too; one parent was
always at some conference or another, and, wouldn't you know it!,
there'd be no babysitter to sit for little Erin or her siblings.
Great opportunities in Super-Hero-ing come through meetings like this,
both parents and crotchety legends would say. All it got her was Roger
Rampage (and countless others before, and most certainly after) calling
her a little girl. She was an adult, but to them, she'd always be
Matthew and Alexandra's Little Girl.
"Don't worry about it, Roger," she smiled.
He handed her another photo. "That man is our third target. Quick,
don't look at it too long," he said, flipping it to the report
side. "Go by the description on the back. That's a direct
order," he said, almost staring her down. "The other target was
dropped. He was being a jack-ass by not responding to our signals. I
sent in a few bruisers, Possible Man and a couple of other men. They
gave him the once over, to show that we mean business." He eyed Erin
carefully after this, gauging her reaction. He knew from certain
sources that Erin Lawson and Roger Waldron were an item, and he knew
full well what Roger could do to a young heart.
"I should get going if I have to bring them in on a time table,"
she said hurriedly, heat growing in her now rosy cheeks.
Probably about what Roger did, thought a wee-bit amused Rampage.
"Erin, when you talk to your father tonight, tell him I'm going to
need his services. This could be the nastiest yet," Roger said, a
smile forming at the edges of his mouth. He turned to view Cityland
below, and caught the reflection of a small fire burning in his
wastebasket. If only she weren't Matt's Little Girl...
Copyright 11/22/2006 7:24 p.m.
Hmmm... this one came out real good. Mostly clear, and mostly right
then. I wrote this after watching some anime that talked briefly about
mail-order brides. So, I figured I'd do a Mail-Order Super-Heroes.
Obviously not a new idea, but what new is there in the world of ideas,
really? Plus, I've got Possible Man going off and doing his own
thing in that mini I'm writing, which may or may not have
Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass potentially out of the picture.
I liked Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass in this one. Her written parts came
out pretty good. There will be a few appearances by characters like
Possible Man, Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass and Not-Rudolph-Valentino Man. A
few new characters as well, like Roger Rampage and those pictured. #2
is about halfway done; I'm going with this version (#2), since it
came out good, but came out really slow. I was (am?) a little worried
about how obvious this title is. But I think I can make a few issues
Stop-Drop-and-Roll Lass first appeared in Scenes In the Life of
Possible Man #3; 2005
Possible Man first appeared in Scenes In the Life of Possible Man #1;
Master Lawyer and Atomic Lady first appeared in Scenes In the Life of
Possible Man #3; 2005
Challenger was first created in a story that will be posted by
mid-march 2007, but appears here first
Roger Rampage appears here first
More information about the racc