[LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Vol 2. Annual #1
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Wed May 31 13:01:32 PDT 2006
Legion of Net.Heroes Vol 2. Annual #1
A Killfile Wars Tie-In Event
By Jesse N. Willey
Special Thanks to Jamas Enright and Tom Russell
Chapter One: The Wikier Wikied
Screw You Over Lad was tearing apart the room. Master Blaster fired
his gun until he was out of ammo. Wikiboy softly chuckled until Screw
You Over Lad grabbed him by the neck. The life was quickly being
choked out of him.
. "Hey Master Blaster, where's your brain today? You usually
don't keep him more than ten feet away," Screw You Over Lad said.
"What? You mean Deja Dude?" Master Blaster said as he reloaded his
"You said it... not me," Screw You Over Lad said.
Master Blaster took a step toward Screw You Over Lad and aimed.
Screw You Over Lad's eyelids raised and the room shook with a
tremendous earthquake. Three seconds passed and it was over.
"Master Blaster, take one more step and I'll snap your friend's
neck," Screw You Over Lad said.
"That is where you made your first mistake," Master Blaster said.
"That isn't my friend...... that's the world's first reusable
"What the fuck?!" Screw You Over Lad said
Wikiboy exploded. When the dust settled the Peril Room was restored
to normal. Bits of dust scattered around the room. Master Blaster
smiled in triumph.
"Correction.... The world's first reusable... reassembling human
grenade....." Master Blaster said. "Also known as WikiBomb."
The particles of dust blew together slowly taking a human shape. The
dust then became flesh and blood. Wikiboy began coughing up soot.
His eyes glared at Master Blaster.
"What the hell? It was a simulation! A sim-u-lay-shun...."
Wikiboy said. "It wasn't the real Screw You Over Lad."
"Sorry..." Master Blaster said.
"You always say that."
"And I always mean it."
"Ahem... the time you turned me into a world class lounge singer so
you could sneak into the high stake poker match? The time you turned
me into a hack writer because you and Deja Dude were too lazy to write
your own soft core Nancy Drew fanfic...." Wikiboy said.
"Okay... bring up those two times..." Master Blaster replied.
"But don't say you didn't get off on the Nancy Drew thing...
because I know about your fetishes..."
"What fetish? Ah crap!" he said.
Sister State the Obvious finished putting the trays down on the table.
She knew Roberto was always hungry when he came out of the Peril
Room. She saw a forlorn look on Wikiboy's face. His face was
still covered with ash.
"He turned you into a grenade that is in love with Nancy Drew,
didn't he?" she said. "That's the third time this week.
Don't worry... you're not anymore."
Sister State the Obvious cringed as she glanced over at her husband.
"What?" Master Blaster said. "Look, I gotta go talk to Deja
Dude about something... I'll be right back. Uh... really..."
Sister State the Obvious sat down to watch to TV. The Ninja's
funeral had been one of the biggest travesties she had ever seen.
She'd never laughed so hard in her life. Whoever had dug up that
infomercial Ulitimate Ninja had done for ginsu knives deserved some
type of award. Then she thought about the horrible thing Master
Blaster had done to poor Wikiboy.
"It has to stop," she said.
"I agree..." came voice from nowhere.
"Who's there?" asked Sister State the Obvious.
"We haven't met yet... or maybe we have. My timeline isn't as
linear as yours... my name is Excess. I believe I can help you."
Master Blaster awoke in a haze. The last thing he remembered was some
bad movie on late night TV. He tried to figure out where he was.
The bed was soft. Someone was next to him... and giggling. The
furniture and walls were covered with various posters for punk and goth
bands. Other than that it resembled the room of a typical teenaged
"Hiya MB? Sleep well?" said Future Lass.
"Gaahh! What's going on?" he said.
"What do you mean... what's wrong?" she said.
"Uh... nothing..." Master Blaster said. "I... I just had a
weird dream is all. I think I better go see Deja Dude and go review
Future Lass coughed.
"What are you talking about? Deja Dude is dead... he has been for
years..." she said. "Don't you remember? Oh... it was one of
those dreams again... wasn't it? I didn't know you still had
those. Loosing your best friend can't be easy."
"What? What are you talking about? Sure, Deja Dude was dead... but
he came back..." Master Blaster said.
"Look... don't insult me... if it's another woman just say so.
It's not like you and I were exclusive or anything..." Future Lass
"Then I'd better go see Sister State the Obvious..."
"What? Your own mentor's wife? You dog...." She said.
"Yes... your mentor Wikiboy... Good God... how much of your memory
have you repressed?" she said.
Master Blaster put on his clothes, grabbed his gun, and walked out the
door. Before he reached the exit the door it opened and a man came
marching in carrying a much larger gun. It took a few seconds to
register on Master Blaster that it was another him.
"Ah smeg... weren't two Vels and three Ultimate Ninja's
enough..." Master Blaster muttered. "This is ridiculous."
"I don't know how you did it... you little punk!" the other
Master Blaster said. "But nobody does shit like that to The
Unmarried Master Blaster!"
Monarch gazed out over the Net.tropolis skyline. Legion headquarters
dominated the sky at sunrise. He had some many happy memories there.
Long nights getting drunk with Cauliflower and playing tennis with Bad
Timing Boy. Or was it getting cauiliflower with Bad Timing Boy and
playing tennis with a drunk? His personal temporal field had changed
more than ten times. He wasn't sure anymore.
"I was an LNHer once. Or I will be.... The question is which
one?" he said. "Why do I feel drawn to that building on today of
He flew toward the building. The sensors on his amour were already
telling him something was wrong inside the building. Of course
something always was. That much he did remember.
"Once more unto the breach," Monark said.
The gun battled raged on for twenty minutes. There wasn't a single
surface in the room that was left unscorched. Future Lass had
escaped about five minutes into the battle. Master Blaster shot Master
Blaster and Master Blaster countered. They spun around the room more
than half a dozen times. The battle was so dizzying that even they
had trouble figuring things out.
"You know what, you fraud!" Unmarried Master Blaster said.
"Your wife sent you away. She wanted you to end up here..."
"No she didn't..."
"It's true.... More true now.... She likes me better..." he
Master Blaster cleared his head. He began to think back on every
lesson Ninja had ever given him. The rest of the room seemed to
disappear. There nothing existed aside from him, his gun and his
target. The shot went wild and blew a whole in the wall and several of
the outer walls all the way to the outside of the building.
"You sick bastard!" Master Blaster said.
"You attempt to keep control. You pretend to have mastered 'Zen
and The Art of the Fire Arm'... but you just..." he said. There
was a soft twinkle in his eye. ".... Can't hit the target."
The Unmarried Master Blaster held his gun at Master Blaster's chest
and fired. Master Blaster began copiously bleeding before slowly
"By the way.... I lied..." he said. "I didn't sleep with your
wife... Now if she were Sister Inflate the Obvious.... Maybe."
Master Blaster awoke slowly. He was surprised that he wasn't in
pain. He must have been in a coma or still under anesthetic. His
left arm felt heavy. He attempted to move it and it made a loud
clanging sound. He stared back at a horrid cybernetic monstrosity.
His chest felt heavy too.
"What? What's going on?" Master Blaster said.
A woman with long black hair approached him. He'd never seen her
before but she looked familiar. It was one of those annoying
situations where you knew you knew someone but couldn't figure out
where you knew them from.
"MB, how are you doing?" the woman said.
"Wha-wha--- weren't you my junior prom date?" Master Blaster
"I didn't know you swung that way Mistress Blaster," the woman
"You must have hit your head harder than we thought," the woman
A man, who looked somewhat like Organic Lass, approached the medical
bed. He looked over at the woman and motioned for her to leave.
"Martina.... Bobbi needs her rest," Organic Lad said.
"Wait a minute... Martina? Oh god... I just hit on... ah ewww,
ewww, ewww," Master Blaster said. He took another look at her.
"Then again... heh heh... but no. Ewwww, ewww, ewww...."
Chapter Two: The Zeroth Floor
Retcon Lad entered the kitchen. He had just left Ultimate Geisha's
office. It had taken every ounce of will to resist her. In spite of
the fact that only a few minutes before he had been Retcon Lad's long
time friend Ultimate Ninja. The fridge was ajar. A red haired woman
was standing was there drinking milk right from the jar and eating
"Excess... time bending, alternate universes... this has your
fingerprints all over it," Retcon Lad said. "I know what you're
trying to do but you have to stop."
Excess poured the milk on the floor.
"No use crying," she said.
"Teaching Master Blaster a lesson in one thing. But this is taking
it a bit too far," Retcon Lad said. "I could fix it. Then retcon
it so we never meet again."
"Go ahead!" she said.
Then the world faded away.
They were in a white void. Retcon Lad stared around. He saw
nothing but a bright white light. It was almost like walked through a
blank canvas that had a phantasmic sense of depth perception. Or quite
possibly he had died and walked into a bad heaven movie and any minute
he'd be meeting Joeseph Maher. It was his worst nightmare. Well,
aside from discovering the secret ingredient in Onion Lad's meatloaf
was canned dog food.
The space-time of wherever they were was disoriented. It was rare
that anything irked Retcon Lad's fourth dimensional senses. It
made him want to vomit. Then he saw Excess. He remembered why he
was here in the first place.
"What the hell happened?" he said. "Where are we?"
"LNH headquarters. The zeroth floor," she said.
"The zeroth floor. It's below the first floor but above the
basements. One of many limbo dimensions. Most multidimensional
buildings have them," Excess said. "Don't tell me you've never
bothered to explore your own building?"
"We've sent a few teams out before... they never came back,"
Retcon Lad said. "How did we get here? And more importantly, how do
we get out?"
"The first is easy. You sent us here with your retcon, you stupid
son of a bitch. You tried to retcon it so we'd never meet again.
But then if you did that... you wouldn't have been there to make the
retcon in the first place," she said.
"What are you talking about? I saw you at the dimensional ..."
Retcon Lad said.
"Please.... Don't. The less I know about that the better," she
said. "Obviously, I find a way out. You on the other... that's up
in the air."
"What if I retcon the retcon that I made," Retcon Lad said.
Retcon Lad closed his eyes and took a series of deep breaths.
"What? Nothing happened. My powers are gone," Retcon Lad said.
"Of course..." she said. "That would be too easy."
"You knew?" he said. "You knew we were trapped and you didn't
"Damn you... why won't you tell me how to get out of here?" he
"Because... I don't know how..." she said.
"How could you possibly know all about this place if nobody can get
out of it?" he said. "That doesn't make any sense."
Excess reached into her pocket and pulled out a book. On the cover
were the words 'Interdimensional Travel for Dummies'. Retcon Lad
"A For Dummies book? A For Dummies book?! You fought down a
cosmic level being with a For Dummies book..." Retcon Lad.
"Will... will fight..." she said. "And now that you said
that... it might not happen that way."
"Like I could really negate the universe twice..."
"We didn't negate the universe, so shut up... you aren't that
"Like someone who needs a For Dummies book knows anything..."
Applicant Lad was glad he found that motorcycle the last expedition
had left. He'd lucked out in the fact that whoever had used it last
and turned off the gas before he died. In the months since he found
it, he'd never had to refill it once. It was almost as if some of
the basic laws of physics didn't seem to apply on the zeroth floor.
Of course by now, one simple fact had dawned on him. It was probably
far too late show up at that job interview at the Interdimensional
House of Pancakes.
"Why can't super teams post decent signs around their building...
just once? I had this same problem when I tried to join The Legion of
Net. Villains and The Incredible Man-With-No-Life and His Boring
Friends," Applicant Lad said.
Applicant Lad heard something he hadn't heard since before he got
lost. People talking. He slowed his motorcycle down so that he could
listen. It was a yelling match. Which only brought to mind the time
that he was rejected as a Jerry Springer guest for being too weird.
"At least I know something... you don't seem to have a clue about
where we are!" Excess shouted. "One of the most powerful beings on
Earth and you have about as much knowledge on coplanar realities as
gerbil that flunked out of rodent school."
Applicant Lad hopped off his motorcycle and tapped Excess on the
shoulder. Retcon Lad sighed with relief knowing full well that at
least for a few moments, Excess's rage would be focused elsewhere.
"Um... if you know so much... can you tell which way to the
elevator? I'm trying to go back the way I came and I got a little
lost," he said.
"Go away pipsqueak... I'm trying to wait for someone to show up
who might know something," Excess said. "Think... think...
there's got to be something."
"Fine," he said as he got back on his motorcycle. "I'll find
the elevator by myself."
He revved up his engine. His motorcycle went from 0 to sublight in
under a second. Excess turned back to face Retcon Lad.
"Can you believe that guy... asking us if we knew where the elevator
was..." Excess said. "What an asshole."
"Elevator? There's an elevator? Then why didn't we go with
Applicant Lad found what he was looking for. Millions of miles away
from where he had spotted Retcon Lad and Excess were two silver doors
with an up or down button between them. He pushed the up button and
waited for ten minutes. Finally, the doors opened up. A glowing
sphere came out.
"Out of the way! Out of the way!" the globe said.
Applicant Lad stood still. The sphere zig-zagged around him. It
blasted him with just enough energy to stun him.
"Fine, fine... I'll take the next one..." Applicant Lad wheezed.
"Not like I had anything important to do."
The sphere traveled about three hundred feet before it vanished.
Applicant Lad pushed the button. He waited another twenty minutes
before Retcon Lad and Excess showed up. Excess stepped closer the
button and shoved Applicant Lad back.
"Hey!" he shouted.
There was a loud grinding sound from the elevator shaft. As it came
to a squeaky halt, the doors opened. Excess and Retcon Lad noticed
Master Blaster and a woman with an impossibly sculpted body, a
cybernetic arm and a large gun already inside. The elevator's roof
was half missing and the cables were barely connected.
"Get in!" Excess shouted.
She dragged Retcon Lad into the elevator. Master Blaster cursed as
the elevator began to wobble back side to side and pound against the
back wall of the shaft. The door was torn and half open between
"I should have killed you both when I had the chance," said the
man at the top of the elevator. A rain of bullets fell into the
What remained of the door slammed shut and the elevator began moving
"I was here first... damn you! You haven't seen the last of
me... I swear it!" Applicant Lad shouted.
"Hey, Master Blaster... what's going on..." Retcon Lad said.
"Other universe Master Blasters... some good guys and this Mofo
blasting it out all over headquarters," he said as he returned fire
being careful not to hit the roof of the elevator or the cable.
"Lost on the zeroth floor," Retcon Lad said.
"We have a zeroth floor?" Master Blaster asked.
"Yes, and it's like a Beckett play," Retcon Lad said.
The Master Blaster on the top of the elevator blasted the cable leapt
up to the door frame to the Sub-Sub-Basement. The elevator began to
plunge down however
"Neeeeeevvvvvvermiiind!" Retcon Lad said.
The elevator's descent began to slow as the metal in the shaft began
to bend. Excess finally regain her bearings.
"We're not on the zeroth floor anymore, so I think," she said as
the elevator rocked again. "That I shall depart this era... I have a
multiverse to save."
"Hey Retcon Lad... since her powers work... do you think you could,
you retcon us another elevator cable or something," Master Blaster
"I'll try..." Retcon Lad said.
He closed his eyes and walls of the elevator began to peel off.
"Uh.... This isn't your idea of a joke is it? As pranks go.... My
death is friggin' lame," Master Blaster said.
"So how far does this building go?" Retcon Lad said.
"I don't think anyway knows," Master Blaster said.
Monark walked through the crowd of mourners that still filled the
plaza outside LNH HQ. They were so many costumed people he was
certain he could hide there for hours without being noticed. He
walked up to the casket and placed a single rose on it.
"You were a good friend," Monark said.
Of course he wasn't sure of that. He just had an inkling. He
knew the Ninja was a good man and great leader. He didn't remember
spending much time with him. He didn't remember much about his days
as an LNHer.
"Though now that I think about it, the fact that I didn't remember
spending time with Ultimate Ninja eliminates the possibility that I am
Ultimate Ninja. Until recently he spent a lot of time talking to
himself," he muttered. "Who am I?"
An echo from a few nights before echoed through his memory.
"Congratulations M-" Psykeye stuttered.
Chapter Three: Day of Friggin' Lameness
Military torture specialists will tell you no greater form of torture
exists than being locked in a room with absolutely no form of outside
contact. The CIA argues that a proper torture isn't complete
unless it involves human orifices, crazy glue and a dirty toilet
plunger. They are of course-completely wrong. The true greatest
form of torture involves plunging through a building of nigh infinite
depth at speed approaching relativistic while stuck listening to an
elevator music loop tape of covers songs that weren't good the first
time when they were performed by Ringo Starr and His All-Star Band.
Of course, that's what the government gets for going to the lowest
bidder contracts for its torture needs.
Just by chance, this is the very situation Master Blaster, a
mysterious unconscious woman with a large gun and Retcon Lad found
"Ya gotta pay dues if you want to sing the blues..." Retcon Lad
"This tape is friggin' lame," Master Blaster said.
"So is that worn out catch phrase," Retcon Lad said.
Master Blaster coughed.
"So... figured a way out yet?" Master Blaster said.
"No. How about you explain how you got here... it may help..."
"All right... here goes..." said Master Blaster. "I had just
woken up in medbay and accidentally hit on Deja Dude's female
She smiled at me and raised her eyebrow. I turned around and vomited.
Then she turned around and waved her ass in my face. And I stared at
it. It was quite a view. Then I realized it was just another Deja
Dude and well... I turned around again.
"Great Wertham... what am I doing?"
No sooner did I do that, then I looked down at myself again. I was a
woman with a cybernetic arm and a chest that could fly in the Macy's
parade. And I thought back to that day when I was talking to Martin
about my ideal woman and... well to be honest I got a little turned on.
"At least now we know why you spend so much time around Sorority
Girl...," Martina said. "I always suspected..."
The doors to medbay swung open. There he was again. That crazy Master
Blaster I had a shoot out with before I woke up here. He was being
followed by several rounds of gunfire.
"I don't know which LNH you are... but I'm asking for
sanctuary.... Somebody better cover those oxygen tanks because it's
about to become a shitstorm in here..." Master Blaster said.
A grenade landed into the room. The explosive device smiled at me
with my face. Just... like I had done to Wikiboy. A fragment
wound up in my leg. The people chasing The Unmarried Master Blaster
burst into the room. One of them looked like a heavily scarred me.
The other was Wikiboy.
"Eat Mega Grenade Killfile filth!" Wikiboy said.
"I'm not a Killfile, you moron. I am The One True Unmarried
Master Blaster. Those other phonies are..."
"Frickin' lame. We've heard..." One of the other Master
There I was watching Master Blaster argue with Master Blaster while I
said nothing. Damn, now I know how Ultimate Ninja felt. Damn it...
I knew something like this was going to happen. They have the roast
funeral and I couldn't come up with jack shit. Why couldn't I
have come up with something like that when I needed it?
"Hey... I'm not frickin..." I said.
"Stuff it!" The Unmarried Master Blaster said.
Martina and the others were down. The Master Blaster grenade
reassembled himself. God only knows how that worked. He didn't
look too happy.
The med bay was a total wreck. The floor shattered. We fell in the
bowling alley. The whole place was filled with nothing with dozens and
dozens of other Master Blasters. I've seen some fierce battles
before but this takes the cake.
I couldn't even figure out which me I was anymore. Somehow in the
battle I hopped back into a male body. Just like that. One minute I
was the hot chick with cybernetic limbs and then the next I was back to
"Excuse me, Master Blaster... the real one... um... sorta... coming
through!" I shouted.
"You don't look like Master Blaster. And I know Master
Blaster," said one of the other me. He blasted me with his gun that
squirted a white sticky substance.
"I don't have time, Master Plaster."
Then I was turned into a frog. Then I saw the most gay thing I've
ever seen. A me in a tuxedo and top hat. He pulled doves out of
nowhere and threw confetti on me.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I am the great Master Caster... Sorcerer King of the Manaverse..."
"Can you turn me back to normal?" I asked.
"I could..." he said.
"So do it."
"What's in it for me?"
"So, you're motivated by self-interest, like I am right?"
"Yes. Your point?"
"You're me, right?"
"So you have to help me. By helping me you're helping yourself."
"No, I'm not..."
"Yes, you are..."
"In a sense..."
Meanwhile, Unmarried Master Blaster had done the old shake and bake
blaster on the pacifistic Master Guru, the money grubbing Master
Investor, and my duplicate from the XXX universe.
"Ask yourself this: if you were in my place would you be making the
same argument?" I asked.
"I guess..." Master Caster said.
He waived his glowing hands. Then he was shot in the back but not
before the spell escaped from him. And when all was said and done
only three of us were standing. The Unmarried Master Blaster, the hot
chick and me.
"Run!" The female me said.
The Unmarried Master Blaster chased us down the hallway.
She led me to the elevator. We ran in and the door closed rapidly.
We began to descend. Things seemed fine. Then about two seconds
later there was a thump on the roof. The emergency hatch opened.
Bullets rained down. The door opened.
"I think this is where I am came in," Retcon Lad said.
"So... Any ideas?"
"Nope... Up for a game of Uno?"
"How is that supposed to help?"
"It'll pass the time."
The floor beneath finally buckled. The elevator plummeted further
and further down at a more rapid pace than was probably safe for any
elevator to travel-even one designed to handle interdimensional
travel. Eventually it crashed through the ceiling of LNH HQ and into
Ultimate Ninja's penthouse.
"... and Rhode Island is still completely under his control," said
Cheesecake Eater Lad. "Are you all right, Ninja?"
"Fine. Elevators crash through my office all the time," Ninja
He turned to face the shattered elevator, Master Blaster and Retcon
"Oh... it's just you two. We had a betting pool going on whether
or not you two survived the trip past life speed. Stomper predicted
you'd show up somewhere in the building today," Ninja said.
"Damn it, I lost twenty bucks."
"You bet against us?" Retcon Lad said.
"No... I bet you'd come back and have the sense to ditch Master
Blaster," Ultimate Ninja said. "Why couldn't I be that lucky?"
Master Blaster coughed.
"So, what can we do to help stop Killfile?" Master Blaster said.
"Killfile? Master Blaster... that was two years ago," Ninja said.
"We've got a much greater foe to deal with."
Monark stared down at the reflecting pool. This was it. This
time he could finally get his answer. He reached for his helmet and
slowly unlocked it.
"Do I really want to do this? What if... what if I find out
I'm not one of the ones who were touched by the great corruption,"
Monark said. "I have to know."
Steam erupted from his helmet. An old man put down his roses for the
"You know son, you turn out be some crummy no name like Fred or
Peelix... I'm gonna be pissed off. I paid twenty five bucks for the
mysterious villain unmasking part of the tour instead of that
popcorn," the old man said.
He removed his helmet. He stared down at the water.
"Oh god! This is so much worse.... I'm... him? Ah no... this is
fr-" he said.
To be Continued...
Next: Monark revealed. A battle royale.
Retcon Lad created by Saxon Brenton. Deja Dude and Master Blaster
created by Martian Phipps. Master Plaster created by Ken Schmidt.
Master Caster, Master Investor and Master Guru created by Jesse N.
Willey and are public domain. Sister State the Obvious and Ultimate
Ninja created by wReam. Excess and Screw You Over Lad created by
Jesse N. Willey and are reserved. Retcon Lad created by Saxon
Brenton. Organic Lass created by Rebbeca Drayer. Used without
permission. Monark was created by unknown but reserved by Jesse N.
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