[REPOST/LNH] Mutton Mania, Epilogue

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue May 30 17:46:18 PDT 2006

Date: 19 Feb 2000 04:46:30 -0000
From: Rob Rogers <rogersr at shore.net>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: [LNH] Mutton Mania, Epilogue

mphipps at my-deja.com wrote:

> "But if he's been dead all this time, then did all of this never
> happen?" Lite asked, obviously confused.
> "Oh no!" Opinionated Lad insisted.  "This happened all right!  There'll
> be no more retconning while I'm here!  I told the Lords of Retcon
> themselves and I think they got the message!"
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> The Lords of Retcon remained silent.  Finally one spoke.
> "How's about we revamp the whole universe!  Starting with the Cosmic
> Plot Device Caper.  I mean..."
> The other Lords of Retcon gave him a nasty look and he shut up.  They
> then collectively turned their attention back to the DC Universe.

    "I know I've changed," she said.  "But does that really matter?
Who I am inside...who we are...that's still the same, isn't it?"

    She paused, her eyes brimming with tears.  "I never really knew
who I was...what I was...what I could be...until I met you.  I knew the
moment I saw you that I wanted to be with you forever.  You had me...
at 'kiwi.' "

    "Kiwi," the kiwi replied.

    "Don't be like that!" she screamed.  "It doesn't have to be like
this!  We can be together!  We can... Stop pecking at your feet while
I'm trying to talk to you!  Those crumbs will always be there!  You
need to decide whether you want me to be here or not!"

    "Kiwi," the kiwi said, turned, and waddled away.

    "I didn't mean it!" said the young woman, who only minutes before
had ambled the halls of Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters as a sheep.
"We can still work this out!  I believe in you!  In us!  Please!"

    The lobby still echoed with her sobs long after Captain Cleanup
had swept the crumbs from the tiled headquarters floor.

    *            *                *

    For the Scarlet Prawn, the end of another failed campaign meant
another visit to his table at Where Your Eyes Don't Go, an out-of-the
way watering hole popular with the criminal element in Net.ropolis and

    "All I'm saying is, don't have kids," the Queen Bee muttered,
her words slightly slurred by the half-empty Tom Collins in her hand.

    "You think that's to worry?" the Scarlet Prawn said.  "I should
be so lucky.  The heroes that just unraveled my latest scheme, they
included Easily-Discovered Man.  Easily-Discovered Man!  Do you know what
that's going to do to my marketability?  For this I left Library
Services school?"

    "But it wasn't really Easily-Discovered Man who defeated you,"
Father Brown said.  "Deja Dude and Opinionated Lad were both
immensely powerful adversaries whose involvement in this matter could
not have been predicted when you began."

    "And besides, by the end of the story, everything was so
confused, no one even knew what chapter it was anymore," said the
Shameless Plug, a short, red-faced man whose T-Shirt read "Read
the Indie #6!"  "And there was that quarrel between the auth--"

    A look from Father Brown, who disliked any mention of
activities beyond the fourth wall, silenced Shameless Plug,
allowing the Scarlet Prawn to continue.

    "True, Deja Dude, he was tough," the Prawn mused.  "And
Opinionated Lad -- what, there are not powers enough, that he
has to be able to tap into the opinion of everyone on the
Internet?  This, I am supposed to be able to beat?"

    "Yes, Opinionated Lad would be difficult to tame," Father
Brown said.  "Unless, of course, someone found a way to keep most
of the Internet from expressing an opinion.  Of course, we all
know that would be impossible."

    Everyone at the table -- including the Table, as it
turned out -- joined Father Brown for a much-needed burst of
maniacal laughter, completely drowning out the music on
the bar television advertising the latest version of
America Online.

    *            *                *

    "Lite!" Weirdness Girl screamed, stomping across the
Legion Headquarters lobby and throwing a colored fabric T-shirt
in the face of Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  "Are you responsible
for this?"

    "Probably, although from this angle, it's hard to be sure,"
Lite said, pulling the shirt away from his head.  "Oh, you mean the
'I Kicked Sheepshagger's Ass' T-shirts I've been selling to the
other Legionnaires?  Yeah, that's me."

    "I can't believe this," Brittany said.  "Didn't this
experience mean anything to you?"

    "It most certainly did," Lite replied.  "It meant that
NBC was willing to pay me an obscene amount of money for the
rights to make a movie-of-the-week about the whole thing.  The
location scouts ought to be here any minute now."


    "They're calling it 'Bleating Hearts: Every Mother's
Nightmare,' " Lite said.  "It's a little late for February
sweeps, but I played up the whole 'teenage girls in distress
thanks to what's wrong with modern society' angle.  I guess
they've already lined up Michael Caine to play the

    "You're disgusting," Weirdness Girl said.  "Don't you
realize this has all been a very difficult time for me?"

    "Why, because you were in the story from the beginning,
but no writer since ever mentioned you?"

    "No!" Brittany said.  "The last few days, with the
headquarters filled with sheep, the streets covered in flame,
and everyone turning into all kinds of different things...
I'm just not used to being the only 'normal' one around here.
It's very unsettling."

    "I see," Lite said.  "Would it help if I told you they
got Jennifer Love Hewitt to do your scene at the concert?"

    Hours later, a groggy Lite would tell his revivers he
never would have believed a girl who had once been dead
could have swung a stuffed fish full of rocks that fast.

    *            *                *

    "I... I can't believe he's really gone," the woman who had
once been a sheep said.  "After all we'd been through together...
I thought he understood."

    "His kind never does," said a voice from behind her.

    The woman spun around to see Onion Lad, dressed in a black
turtleneck, pastel blue leisure suit, and one long gold chain
draped around his neck, leaning against a column in the
headquarters lobby."

    "Have I met you someplace before?" the woman asked.

    Onion Lad smiled.  "Perhaps," he said.  "Many women,
upon meeting me for the first time, swear they have seen me
before... in their dreams."

    "I... I just don't know," the woman began.

    Onion Lad reached into the breast pocket of his jacket,
removing a short, green kiwi feather.  He sashayed up to the now
speechless woman and slowly, delicately, brushed the feather
against the fine white hairs of the woman's throat.  She
swooned, and Onion Lad rushed forward to catch her just in time.

    "Hold my calls, Fred," Onion Lad said, as he carried the
woman through the lobby's revolving doors.  "I may be out for
a while tonight."

    THE END...?

NEXT TIME: Saviors of the Net #13
           by Marc Singer

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