[REPOST/LNH] Mutton Mania Parts 22-28

[Arthur Spitzer]

Date: 20 Feb 2000 01:14:44 -0000
From: "Martin Phipps" <mphipps at my-Deja.com>
Subject: [LNH] Mutton Mania Parts 22-28
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative

PART TWENTY-TWO 

by Rob Rogers <rogersr at shore.net>

Deja Dude turned to Opinionated Lad.  "You just had to go and leave
bits of your grilled-kiwi-on-rye sandwich all over your shirt, didn't you?"

"Hey, we were in Limbo," Opinionated Lad countered.  "It wasn't like I had
a lot of choices.  Next time I'll go with the Oozelfinch McNuggets."

Two hundred pairs of black, marble-like eyes narrowed.  Opinionated Lad
stepped back.  One of the kiwis -- larger than the rest, with a tattered,
striped tie drooping from where its neck would be, if the birds had necks
-- stepped forward and presented Opinionated Lad with a rolled-up piece of
paper.

Opinionated Lad picked up the paper and read it, while the bird waited
imperiously, one clawed foot tapping the lobby floor.

"It's a subpoena," Opinionated Lad said.  The kiwis murmured among
themselves. Opinionated Lad picked up the tie-draped kiwi, pointed it
toward the revolving lobby doors, and punted it for 200 yards.  The other
birds scattered throughout the headquarters building.

"Now that's settled, let's deal with this whole Sheepshagger business once
and for all so that I can get back to doing something more productive than
contributing to a pointless, endless storyline," Opinionated Lad said.

"If only the writers on _Friends_ were so enlightened," Easily- Discovered
Man Lite mused wistfully.

"But wait!" Deja Dude said.  "Aren't we forgetting something?  Before we
can take on the Sheepshagger, we need to know whether the power of his
SHAG weapon can be defeated by forming strong opinions against it."

"And whether the weapon is actually magical," Occultism Kid said, "or
whether it is simply technology so far advanced that it _appears_ to be
magic, much like cordless telephones."

"And whether Tsar Chasm is secretly King Konqueror, and he planned the
whole thing during what was 'supposed to be' his trip to the bathroom, and
now he's going to turn all of us into...  uh, weevils..." Onion Lad said,
making quote signs with his fingers to indicate 'supposed to be.'  "Hey,
why are you guys looking at me like that?  At least I read the roster!"

"Yeah!" said The Indie.  "And what about scarecrow's brain?"

"Baaaa!" bleated Ultimate Sheep.

"That's _The_ Indie," The Indie sputtered.

"That's it!" Opinionated Lad said.  "I said if he said it one more time, I
was going to..."

"People!" Substitute Lad said.  All heads turned to stare at the
blue-jumpsuited hero as he stepped between The Indie and Opinionated Lad's
fist.  "Look what you're doing here!  Remember who we are!  This is the
Legion of Net.Heroes, a place where we come together to enjoy life and
save the world, not fight with each other."

Somewhere in the dark recesses of Legion headquarters, dozens of kiwis
began humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

"This isn't about whose explanation for Sheepshagger's powers makes more
sense, or whose character is being portrayed correctly," Substitute Lad
continued.  "It's not about how long the story runs, or how pointless the
digressions are, or...really, it's not about much of anything at all.
Except...well, it's about all of us.  Coming together for a common
purpose.  Coming together the way few of us have since 'Retcon Hour'
ended.  Coming together to..."

WHAP!  BAM!  SPLAT!

"My god, that was satisfying," The Indie said, rubbing his knuckles.

"It certainly was," Opinionated Lad agreed, unfolding a pair of black
Ray-Ban sunglasses.  "Easily-Discovered Man has a lead on the current
whereabouts of the Sheepshagger.  It may be the only useful thing he does
in this storyline, so we might as well make the most of it.  Everybody
ready?"

"Ready!" everyone agreed, as Captain Cleanup whisked away Substitute Lad's
inert body.

"I'm opening a portal," Deja Dude said, donning sunglasses of his own.
"Let's show that fat, slovenly pervert what it means to cross the LNH."

"The other fat, slovenly pervert," Steak-and-Potatoes Man reassured Onion
Lad, as the group entered the portal.


Josh Hartung <j.o.s.hartung at worldnet.att.net>

And with a resounding "POIT!" the heroes were gone.

*** 

And now we present MUTTON MANIA #23: Faculty Meeting!

*** 

"Kiwi,"  he said lovingly.

"Baaaa,"  she whispered, and a lifetime of longing and regret was over.

They had been reunited.  And this time, he swore that nothing - NOTHING -
would ever separate them again.

Meanwhile, Steak and Potatoes Man viewed the bucolic herds milling about
the commissary.

"I've got music ."  he sang.

He felt the urges rise again.  The Witchery of San, his dogma, had now
become his curse.

"I've got rhythm ."

Unable to control himself, he reached for the carving knives.

"I've got mutton, who could ask for anything more ."

***

"Thank you all for coming," Professor Theodore Wong said.

It was a tight fit in the small faculty office.  Deja Dude and Opinionated
Lad sat in the two available chairs.  (The Indie and Opinionated Lad had a
brief slap-fight over the other chair until OL stated his Opinion that
"_Indie_ should stand.")  The Indie and Occultism Kid stood behind them,
while Gaffer and Easily-Discovered Man Lite played hangman on a small
chalkboard.  Ultimate Sheep stood on The Professor's desk, munching on a
cabbage.  Onion Lad stayed outside, as his reek was a bit much to handle
in such close quarters.

A sophomore physics student peeked in.  "Hi Prof, I just need a signature
for this ."

The assembled heroes - and sheep -- turned and stared at the student.

"Um . I'll come back," she said, and shut the door.

"Hey baby," Onion Lad said, leering at the student.  "Ever had an onion
make you scream?"

Moments later, a physics textbook made high speed impact with Onion Lad's
face.

Meanwhile, back in the office, the Prof continued.

"Gentlemen, I have been shopping.  There was a clearance sale."

"Wait a minute," Opinionated Lad said.  "Did you just drag us all here
because you found some Yoko Ono tapes at the Safe.co?"

"No, next to the cassette rack," the Prof said.  He put a Safe.co shopping
bag on the table and removed three SHAG weapons.

"You see, our young friend with the camera here set me on the trail of
these weapons.  I realized that most merchandise found in magazine ads
eventually makes its way to the clearance rack of a department store.
Observe."

The Prof turned one of the SHAGs on Ultimate Sheep and, despite the
protestations of all the heroes in the room, fired.

There was a blinding flash.  When the heroes' vision cleared, they looked
to the desk and saw .

Ultimate Kiwi.

"As you can see, this brings up all sorts of interesting theories."

"Such as?"  The Indie asked.

"I have no idea."  the Prof answered.

***

The kiwi looked into the wide, devoted eyes of his love.  He pecked at the
wool on her throat tenderly.

"Baaaa," she said softly.

Yes, he would do anything to ensure that he and his love would always be
together.

Even . sell his soul.

The kiwi opened The Book and began to read .

***

"Okay, let's just try to think this out," Deja Dude said.  "Ultimate Sheep
is now Ultimate Kiwi, thanks to a SHAG.  What does that tell us?"

"Substandard merchandise?"  Lite offered.

"Maybe I should try one of the other guns on him," the Prof said.

"NO!"  everyone replied.

"Okay, how about this?"  Occultism Kid said.  The assembled heroes turned
to listen.  Since Occultism Kid had barely spoken for the last few
chapters, they figured he had something important to say.

"We've seen the SHAG transform humans into sheep, create ticks out of thin
air, and now - turn a sheep into a kiwi.  What's the common thread?"

"Absurdity?"  The Indie suggested.

"Silliness?"  Opinionated Lad proposed.

"Drunk writers?"  Lite volunteered.

"Not exactly," Occultism Kid said.  "The common thread seems to be
_opinion_.  First, Deja Dude turns into a sheep when first accosted by the
Sheepshagger - who had a low opinion of him.  Deja Dude refers to
ticks. Next, he becomes infested with them.  Gaffer and Ultimate Ninja,
expecting trouble, are turned into sheep.  Then with the power of
divergent opinion, Gaffer and Deja Dude both transform back.  The final
clue is right in front of us."

"Kiwi?"  Ultimate Kiwi asked.

"Exactly, UK."  Occultism Kid stated.  "Opinionated Lad punts Lawyer Kiwi,
and then Ultimate Sheep is transformed into one.  And to top it all off,
Opinionated Lad is powerless to reverse any of these changes.  The answer
is obvious."

"It is?"  Gaffer said.

"Of course!"  Lite said.  "Someone is siphoning off Opinionated Lad's
powers and using them for his own.  The SHAGs are just a red herring!"

"Oh, just take away my denouement, why don't you?"  Occultism Kid sneered.

"But then," The Indie said.  "That would imply the Sheepshagger is just a
pawn ."

"Of King Konqueror!"  Deja Dude exclaimed.

***

It always happened when Fred tried to leave work early.  He'd get halfway
home, then forget his keys.  Fred approached the door to the Legion of
Net.Heroes Headquarters - and was blocked.

Someone --- or something - had barred the entrance with some sort of force
field.

Inside, a large kiwi in a black tie stood next to a worried looking sheep.

"KIWI!"  It cried, professing its love to all who cared to
listen. "KIIIIIWIIIII!!!"

No, no one would separate them ever again .

***

The figure watched the League unravel the mystery through his
monitor.thingee. The bug he placed on The Indie's camera was working
perfectly.

Yes the bribe to Tsar Chasm to misdirect the League worked well.
Utilizing the unusual talents of the Sheepshagger helped to further
confuse the League.  The mutton/kiwi theme in his devious plan seemed to
reflect King Konqueror's modus operandi.  Which would send the League to
Net.Zeland.

Leaving Net.ropolis ripe for the picking.  And that was just the
beginning. Oh yes.  OH the League would pay dearly for dishonoring him.
The whole _city_ would pay.

Sheepshagger approached the figure seated in the shadows of the warehouse
headquarters.  "I did as ye asked," Sheepshagger said.  "Will ye be
releasin' muh haird now?"

"All in good time," the figure said, in an Irish accent.  "I still have
another assignment for you ..."

Yes it was all going according to plan.  Soon, the League would know just
what it meant to match wits with .

THE SCARLET PRAWN!


MUTTON MANIA -- PART 24!

by uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

"That is a patently ridiculous theory, Occultism Kid."  Opinionated Lad
folded his arms across his chest and glared at the mystic LNH'er.  "If
someone were draining my powers, I'd certainly be able to tell.  And
besides which, no one can drain my powers in the first place."

"How can you be so certain?"  Occultism Kid slyly asked.

"Because my powers are the power of choice.  They are the power of
Opinion." Opinionated Lad was just getting started.  "When the Net first
started, it was a closed and dark space.  The only people who had access
were the dark minds of military men.  Then researchers started opening up,
and with them came new opinions.  Now, nearly everybody has access, and
everybody has their opinion.  My power is born of the untapped Opinion
power of the net!"

"My Ghod!" exclaimed Occultism Kid.  Deja Dude was too stunned to
speak. Even The Indie and Gaffer looked at Opinionated Lad with some awe,
although they had no idea what OL meant by this monologe.

"Of course..."  murmured Deja Dude.  "Your power is the potential of
unborn Opinion.  And because the net grows every day, your power is nearly
unfathomable!  But someone could still be tapping your power, even without
you knowing it!"

"What makes you say that?"  Opinionated Lad looked smugly towards the
others, an amazing feat considering some of them stood behind him as well.

"Because you can't turn Ultimate Kiwi back!"

"Kiwi?" asked Ultimate Kiwi.

"Who says I can't?"  And with that, Ultimate Ninja hopped down from the
desk.

"Thanks, Opinionated Lad," he said.  "I'm a bit allergic to feathers."

"This still doesn't solve our main problem, though," said Professor
Wong. "How do these SHAG guns work?"

"Actually, they don't."  Opinionated Lad picked one up and pointed it at
the Professor.  "You see, Professor, I recognized you as soon as we walked
through the door.  This gun is nothing more than a cheap replica and all
it really does is fire plastic darts.  I got four on sale last week at the
local Big K."  He brandished the weapon at the Professor.  "But when
operated by someone with sufficient strength of will, they can be used to
hide different devices.  Like reality warp generators.  Sheep
Transformers. Or even disguise makers.  Or maybe even a reality
consolidator."  His hands moved on the gun, and a bright green beam
enveloped the professor.

"Opinionated Lad!"  Deja Dude cried out.  "What are you doing!"

"Look!  It's not the professor!  Opinionated Lad was right!"  Everyone was
standing, and The Indie, Gaffer and Easily-Discovered Man Lite had stepped
out to the corridor, a look of growing horror on their faces (or maybe it
was just the smell of an aroused onion that did it).  Occultism Kid
pointed at the form of the Professor.  "By the Seven Seas of Askelon, this
was all a trap!"

"Yes, you fools, it was a trap!"  The form in the light stood taller
already, revealed by Opinionated Lad's power as to who he really was.

"King Konqueror..."

MUTTON MANIA, PART TWENTY-FIVE

by Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

"OK," Deja Dude complained.  "This is starting to get silly."

"Starting?" Easily Discovered Man Lite asked.

"So where's the _REAL_ Easily Discovered Man?" Occultism Kid asked.

"Oh, God," Deja Dude whined.  "That's right.  No sooner is Ultimate Ninja
turned back into a sheep and then we have a new problem, trying to find
Easily Discovered Man."

"Well, he shouldn't be _that_ hard to find," Easily Discovered Man Lite
pointed out.  "I mean, that's his power.  His only power."

Ultimate Ninja, now fully back to his old self after being 1) drunk 2)
hung over 3) a sheep and finally 4) a kiwi, jumped onto the war room
table, bounced and did a somersault that had him land in front of King
Konqueror.  "Tell us where Easily Discovered Man is!"

"I'll never tell!" King Konqueror told him.

"Where is he?"

"I'll take it to my grave!"

Ultimate Ninja pulled out his katana*.  (*As Ultimate Sheep had been
wearing Ultimate Ninja's costume all this time, he still had his katana
--Footnote Girl) "That can be arranged."

"OK!  OK!  I'll talk!  He was taken by the Scarlet Prawn!  The Scarlet
Prawn hired Sheepshagger and myself to exact his revenge against the LNH!
And he switched me with Easily Discovered Man during the confusion at the
Motel 6!"

"I told you it'd be easy," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.

"Well, that does sound like King Konqueror," Occultism Kid said.

"It should," Deja Dude told him.  "I went back and read Writer's Block
Woman and Mouse #36 to see how he was last written.  I just hope the
gratuitous plug I've just given is enough to make Jaelle forgive us for
using a character she had listed as reserved!"

Gaffer looked at Deja Dude quizically.  None of what the formerly dead
net.hero had said made any sense to him.

"And where is the Scarlet Prawn's secret base?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"My lips are sealed!"

Ultimate Ninja let out a deep sigh.  "Do I _really_ have to ask you two
more times?" he said with a bit of a whine.

King Konqueror nodded his head.  "Well, alright, since you put it that
way, I guess I _am_ being a bit arrogant, even for a villain.  Even for an
exaggerated villain, one who's arrogance is exaggerated to the point where
it is used for comic purposes, one who --"

"TALK!"

"I am talking."

"About where Scarlet Prawn is keeping Easily Discovered Man!"

"Oh.  Well, in Ireland, of course."

"Where in Ireland?"

King Konqueror thought for a moment.  "Do you have a map?"

Occultism Kid rushed out and got a large map of Europe from the downstairs
library*.  (*On the first floor, behind the reception area, on the way to
the cafeteria --Footnote Girl) "OK, now tell us where they are!"

King Konqueror studied the map for a while.  "Here," he said, finally,
"Scarlet Prawn island."

"Scarlet Prawn Island?" Opinionated Lad asked.  He looked at the map.
"There it is."  He looked around in disgust.  "And how are we supposed to
get there?" he asked.

"Maybe we should contact LNH Europe," Occultism Kid suggested.

"That won't be necessary," Deja Dude told him.  "We can use the
teleportation tubes over in the monitoring room.* (*First introduced in
the Sieze Dangerous mini series --Footnote Girl)"

"Will somebody please shut that Footnote Girl up!" Opinionated Lad
complained.  "She's getting on my nerves!"  He unfolded a pair of black
Ray-Ban sunglasses.  "In any case, Easily-Discovered Man's kidnapping has
now provided us with a clue as to the current whereabouts of the
Sheepshagger.  It may be the only useful thing he does in this storyline,
so we might as well make the most of it."

Deja Dude held up his index finger.  "Wait a minute!  I've got this
strange feeling of deja-vu... and I don't think it's just simply a
manifestation of my power.  Somebody has been messing around with
continuity again!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lords of Retcon agreed with Deja Dude.

"He's right!  This story doesn't make any sense!"

"Very well, let's go back to before Deja Dude was introduced and then
have..."

"No!  Such a drastic rewriting will invite war with the Knights of
Continuity!"

"Agreed!  We must make only the most minor of changes!"

"Very well then!  Chapters 23-25 all take place _during_ chapter 22. We
return to the end of chapter 22 with only the most minor of changes."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I'm going to activate the tubes," Deja Dude said.  "Let's show that fat,
slovenly pervert what it means to cross the LNH."

"The other fat, slovenly pervert," Steak-and-Potatoes Man reassured Onion
Lad.

"Aren't you coming?" Occultism Kid asked.

"No," Deja Dude said.  "With you, Ultimate Ninja, Opinionated Lad, _THE_
Indie, Gaffer and Easily Discovered Man Lite going and Easily Discovered
Man already on Scarlet Prawn Island, there are enough people involved
already.  Besides, you need someone here to pull you back in case things
get out of hand.  I'll be here in the monitoring room all the time keeping
an eye on your progress."

"Sounds good," Ultimate Ninja said.  "Alright, let's go!"

The assembled heroes entered the teleportation tubes and disappeared.


PART TWENTY FIVE 1/2

by uplink <uplink989 at hotmail.com>

"Okay, you morons, that's enough changes."

The Lords of Retcon spun around, startled.  "Who dares invade our sacred
chambers--- oh, it's you."

"Oh, it's me?"  The voice was rather familiar to the people acquainted
with the series so far -- it belonged to a certain Opinionated One.
"That's all I get?"

"Well, what you have us say?"  Asked one Lord of Retcon.  "Would you have
us cringe in fear at your very presence, your mighty..." he peered to see
what Opinionated Lad was wearing on his feet.  "Mighty Reebok-clad feet
causing tremors in the very fabric of time and space with each step you
take?  We _ARE_ the Lords of Retcon, you know."

"Yes, I do know."  Opinionated Lad replied.  "I also know that you're been
retconning this story too much.  Stop it, and let it continue, or there'll
be..." he paused for dramatic effect, "trouble."

"Oh really?"  sneered another Lord of Retcon.  "And just what sort of
trouble can _you_ provoke?  Anything you do to us, we can just retcon
away."

"Y'know, you guys are really getting annoying.  It's my Opinion that the
Knights of Continuity should show up and teach you guys a lesson."  And
suddenly the Knights were there.

"Foul miscreant Lords!" The lead Knight drew his lance, a mighty shaft of
wood tipped with the sharp piercing barb of Time, and pointed it at the
Lords.  "If thee do not halt thine foolish retconning at once, my brethren
and I shall smite thee verily, unto the pages of the next storyline."  The
rest of the Knights looked grim, and drew their various weapons.

"No, no!  You misunderstand!"  The Lords of Retcon seemed taken
aback. Turning to Opinionated Lad, the spokesman for the Lords said, "You
win.  We shall no longer interfere with the progress of this storyline.
But one day there shall be a reckoning."

"Yeah, like I care.  Okay guys," Opinionated Lad called out to the Knights
of Continuity, "y'all can go home now."  And with that, the Knights
departed through means unknown.

"And one more thing, guys," Opinionated Lad said to the Lords of Retcon
before going back to the story himself, "Don't try any funny business."

"Or what?"  The leader of the Lords of Retcon still seemed somewhat
skeptical.

Or I will retcon YOU out of having ever existed, which will cause a major
flamewar which could have the potential of destroying the entire
Looniverse, said the Author.  Do you want THAT on your hands, or are you
going to stop fiddling with this cascade and let it evolve naturally?

"But our work is directed by the Great and Powerful Editor," whined the
spokesman for the LoR, which was incredibly close to becoming known as the
Lords of Mud.  "Surely we cannot cross his will."

I'm telling you right now, retcon anything in this storyline again --
including my words at this very moment -- and I will make sure that you
never existed.  What's more, I'll stay around and retcon you back out of
existence every time someone else tries to retcon you into existence.
Leave well enough alone.  And with that, the Lords of Retcon were alone
again.


PARTS TWENTY SIX THROUGH TWENTY EIGHT

Martin Phipps (phippsmartin at hotmail.com)

Occultism Kid, Ultimate Ninja, Opinionated Lad, _THE_ Indie, Gaffer and
Easily Discovered Man Lite arrived on Scarlet Prawn island.

"OK, where to next?" The Indie asked.

"Well, my opinion is that we'll find Easily Discovered Man in that big
castle other there," Opinionated Lad said, pointing to a rather large
castle about a mile away from them.

"That's a really big castle," Gaffer said.

"It's huge!" Ultimate Ninja said, in agreement.

"It's enormous!" Occultism Kid said.

"I've seen bigger," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile, back in the monitoring room of LNH HQ.

"So," Deja Dude said, "King Konqueror.  I thought you'd been arrested and
put in jail* (*See Writer's Block Woman and Mouse #36 --Footnote Girl)."

"True," King Konqueror admitted, "but my lawyer successfully argued that
being placed in the same cell as Appalling Tasteless Man was cruel and
unusual punishment and hence I got paroled."

"And yet isn't your involvement in all this a violation of your parole?"

King Konqueror shrugged his shoulders.  "Yeah.  But this isn't over yet."

Deja Dude dismissed King Konqueror's last comment.  "But then how did the
Scarlet Prawn get in touch with you?"

"I placed an ad in _KABOOMS, Entertainment for Super-Villains_."

Deja Dude grimmaced.  "Damn.  We should get a subscription for that here,
except Self-Righteous Preacher would never allow it."  He turned back to
the monitors.  "OK, good, they're almost at the castle!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ultimate Ninja turned to Occultism Kid.  "Use your cosmic senses*. Find
out if anybody's home.  (*That Occultism Kid has cosmic senses was
established in the Legion of Occult Heroes series --Footnote Girl)"

Occultism Kid used his cosmic senses to scan the building.  "It's hard to
say.  It's a very big castle."

"Let's not start on that again," Easily Discovered Man Lite said.
"Besides, you should be able to find Easily Discovered Man."

"Yes!" Occultism Kid said.  "He's in one of the rooms upstairs."

Ultimate Ninja nodded.  "Alright.  All of you go on ahead.  I'll watch
your backs in case of an ambush."

"Wouldn't it make more sense for YOU to go on ahead?" Opinionated Lad
asked.

"It might," Ultimate Ninja admitted.  "Except we're following Occultism
Kid's lead... and I want to be in a position where I know where everybody
is and I can only do that by following behind."

"Alright.  Fair enough."  As Opinionated Lad agreed with Ultimate Ninja's
plan, there was nothing else to discuss.

The six heroes made their way through, the door, up the stairs and into
the long hallway.

"Easily Discovered Man's in there," Occultism Kid said, pointing to one of
the doorways.  The six of them went in.  Sure enough, Easily Discovered
Man was in the room, gagged and tied to an antique chair with rope.  He
looked very embarrassed.

The net.heroes rushed to his side.  Easily Discovered Man Lite removed the
gag.

"Careful," Easily Discovered Man said, still tied to the chair, "it could
be a trap!"

Cackling laughter filled the room.


The various Legionaires were relieved to discover that the laughter was
coming from a tape recorder which had been placed in the room and,
presumably, set off by the heroes entrance.

<<I congratulate you, Net.Heroes, for having seen through my ploy to
divert you to Net.Zealand and, hence prevent me from taking the sheep from
your headquarters and bringing them here to my island.>> There was the
sound of a Scottish man cursing in the background.  <<Not that this will
prevent me from one day having my revenge.  You will still rue the day,
Ultimate Ninja, when you mooned the Scarlet Prawn!>>

"What's he talking about?" Ultimate Ninja asked.  The Indie and Gaffer
started snickering.

<<Obviously this is the last time I hire King Konqueror.>>

"Well, good help _is_ hard to find," Easily Discovered Man Lite pointed
out.

<<Until we meet again, Legionaires!>>

"Alright, let's take the tape back to LNH HQ with us," Ultimate Ninja
suggested.  "We'll analyze it for clues as to where they've gone."

The assembled net.heroes were busy untying Easily Discovered Man, however.
By the time Occultism Kid had managed to walk over to where the tape
recorder was playing, he found that the tape had already been ruined with
wisps of smoke rising from it accompanied by a slight hissing sound.

"The tape has self-destructed!" Occultism Kid realised.

"You can tell Deja Dude's back," Opinionated Lad observed.

<<I heard that,>> came Deja Dude's voice from Opinionated Lad's comm.link.

Ultimate Ninja tapped his comm.link.  "Well then, get us out of here!" he
ordered.

Deja Dude beamed the assembled heroes back to the monitoring room in LNH
HQ.

"Well, this has all been pretty pointless," Opinionated Lad complained.
"Apart from rescuing Easily Discovered Man, we've accomplished nothing
except to allow the villains to escape again!"

"At least we have King Konqueror in custody," Easily Discovered Man Lite
pointed out.

"Exactly!" Opinionated Lad said.  "And if it weren't for _me_ you guys
would propably have gone off the Net.Zealand with him."

Deja Dude let out a deep sigh.  "Well there's still the matter of the
sheep."

"What about them?" Opinionated Lad asked.

"I had Doctor Stomper look at them while you were on Scarlet Prawn island
but not even _he_ could figure out a way to change them back into teenaged
girls.  I don't suppose _you_ could do it."

"Sure I could," Opinionated Lad said confidently.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course!  But why should I?  They are, were and always will be sheep at
heart.  It's their natural state!  Why should I change them from what they
are naturally anyway?"

"Oh, well, if you can't do it --"

"Wait!"  Opinionated Lad was offended.  "You're saying I can't do it?"

"Well, you say you can but --"

"OK, fine, Mr. Smarty Pants, you want to see me do it?  I'll do it! OK?"

Deja Dude smiled.  He knew that if it was Opinionated Lad's opinion that
he could do something then he'd do it, whatever it might be.  He also knew
that Opinionated Lad would do whatever it took to prove his opinion right,
including changing the girls back.

"Just a minute!" Deja Dude said.  "We need the assistance of one more
Legionaire!"

"We do?  Who?"

Deja Dude pressed a button on the monitoring room console in an effort to
contact the required Legionaire.

<<Hello?>>

"Hello, New Look Lass?"

<<Yes?>>

"Could you please come down to the lobby with about two hundred loose
fitting dresses?"

<<OK.  Sure.>>

"Thanks!"

"I don't get it," Opinionated Lad admitted.

"Whatever clothing the girls were wearing got ruined," Deja Dude
explained, "either when they were turned into sheep or in the process of
being brought here, so if you were to change them back into girls now,
they'd be naked, which they might find a bit embarrassing."

"So you're going to dress them all?"

"That's right."

"And how long is that going to take?"

Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "With everybody helping out, it shouldn't
take that long."

"Fair enough," Opinionated Lad decided.  "I'll wait."


Meanwhile, in the lobby, the Indie and Gaffer were talking to Fred and
Ultimate Ninja about the question of payment.

"_How_ much did you promise them?" Ultimate Ninja asked.

"One hundred dollars an hour," Fred told him.

"Plus expenses," the Indie pointed out.

"And we're worth it too!" Gaffer insisted.

"It was your idea to hire them," Fred reminded him.

"So it was," Ultimate Ninja said, grumbling, "although I _was_ hung over
at the time.  Fine.  Fine.  Whatever.  You can take the money out of petty
cash."

"That's just it," Fred said, "there's not enough money in petty cash.
We're $200 short."

"Alright then," Ultimate Ninja said, turning around.  He took removed $200
from a secret pocket in his ninja uniform and turned around once more to
face the Indie and Gaffer.  "I hope this makes you happy."

"Sure thing, Lenny!" the Indie said.

Ultimate Ninja grimaced under his mask.  "Do you want the money or not?"
he asked in a threatening manner.

"Uh... I mean... thank you, Mr. Ninja, Sir!"

"That's better," Ultimate Ninja said, handing the Indie the money.

"I liked him better when he was drunk," Gaffer whispered to the Indie.


Easily Discovered Man Lite, Onion Lad and Occultism Kid went up to New
Look Lass' room to help her with the dresses.  Although New Look Lass'
room was no larger than the typical room in LNH HQ, her closet was huge.

"How is this possible?" Onion Lad asked.

New Look Lass laughed.  "I told Domestic Lad that I needed more closet
space and he spoke to Kid Kirby who told me to empty out my closet because
he was going to create a dimensional vortex or somesuch.  Anyway, now no
matter how much stuff I put into my closet there's always space left over.
It's amazing!"

"Will these be alright?" Occultism Kid asked, carrying a dozen or so
dresses.

"I only keep the best designs," New Look Lass assured him.  "If they don't
like one of my outfits then they can change when they get home."  New Look
Lass looked concerned.  "Those poor girls!  And their mother's too!  They
must be so worried!  I hope we'll be able to change them back as you say!"

"We'll find out soon enough," Lite said under a pile of dresses.  "Deja
Dude's going around LNH HQ to see who's here and wants to help."


About an hour or so later, all the sheep were dressed.

"Alright," Deja Dude said, "fire away!"

"I don't have to fire anything," Opinionated Lad told him.  "I'm just
going to form the opinion that the sheep should become teenaged girls
again."  And, as easily as that, they did.

As soon as they realised what happened, teenaged girls started to mob
Opinionated Lad.  "Thank you!"  "My hero!"  "I'm Linda!  555-5678!"  Onion
Lad quickly wrote down the name and telephone number.

"This is all very well and good," Opinionated Lad said, "but I'm not
interested.  I think you should all leave now."  And so they did, much to
the disappointment of Opion Lad.

"Well, that's great!" Deja Dude said, quite satisfied.  "Everything's
resolved!"

"Not quite everything," Opinionated Lad told him.  "I seem to remember
somebody saying me you're supposed to be dead."

"Uh... I got better."

"Not good enough!" Opinionated Lad opined.  "There are too many characters
coming back from the dead nowadays!  In my opinion, if you can't think of
a good reason why you're no longer dead then you should stay dead!"  With
that said, Deja Dude disappeared.

"Um... did you just kill Deja Dude?" Onion Lad asked.

"No," Opinionated Lad said, "it's just my opinion that he needs to come up
with a better explanation for him being alive, that's all."

"So, does this mean this whole incident never actually happened?"
Occultism Kid asked.

"Oh, it happened all right!" Opinionated Lad insisted.  "There's going to
be no more retroactive continuity as long as I'm here!  I told the Lords
of Retcon that myself to their faces!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Lords of Retcon remained silent.  Finally one of them spoke.

"If you like, we could revamp the whole universe, starting with the Cosmic
Plot Device Caper!  I mean..."

The other Lords of Retcon gave him a nasty look and he shut up.  They then
collectively turned their attention back to the DC Universe.

THE END


PS: I just reread Part 23 and it _STILL_ doesn't make sense.  Where in LNH
HQ is the "Faculty Office"?  Who is the "physics student"?  Or was that
Dave Thomas Deluxe University?  And if so, what were they doing there?  Or
does it matter because the Lords of Retcon fixed everything so that parts
23-25 all took place at LNH HQ instead?  Let's just assume it's the latter
and not worry about it! :) --Martin



=========
NEXT TIME: Mutton Mania Epilogue
           by Rob Rogers
=========