LNH: Web of Mainstream Man # 6-- ADD-ON # 1

[Tom Russell]

WEB OF MAINSTREAM MAN # 6.1-- Add-On Story

Arthur Spitzer wrote:

> I enjoyed this, although WikiBoy is starting to become overly used as a Deus
> ex Machine, don't you think?
>
> What's to stop any LNH'r from using him to solve every little crisis?
>
> Arthur "WikiBoy kryptonite?" Spitzer

WikiBoy and Mainstream Man enter LNHHQ, and briefly recap their
adventure.  Afterwards, WikiBoy looks a bit down-in-the-dumps.  He
needs some advice, and so he seeks out the LNH's newest resident sage,
Haiku Gorilla.  He finds his simian query behind a desk in the lobby.

"Haiku Gorilla," he begins,
"Lately I've been feeling like
 I'm being-- oh, shoot."

The gorilla shakes his head sternly.  He will only answer questions
posed in haiku form.

"Um," begins WikiBoy anew, "it's like this, man:
 I like helping my fellow
 shit, ran out of words."

The gorilla shakes his head again.

"I like helping, but
 whenever I do, it feels
 like they're using me."

The gorilla shakes his head again.

"What was wrong this time?" demands WikiBoy,
"It fit in seventeen sounds!
 Worse than winter wind!"

The gorilla smiles and answers,

   " that time you did it
     syllables: half the battle
     spring was neglected "

"A kigo!" says WikiBoy, smacking himself upside the head.  "I forgot
the season word, or 'kigo'!  Well, let me try again."

The gorilla shakes his head.

"Why not?"

The gorilla waits patiently.

WikiBoy sighs, exasperated:

"Um, why not, why not,
 why not, why not, why not, why
 not: cherry blossoms."

In response, the gorilla procures a small sign from his drawer and
places it on his desk.  It reads, LUNCH BREAK.

WikiBoy screams in anguish.  This attracts the attention of Namedropper
Lad.

"What's the problem, WikiBoy?" asks the hitherto-unseen but apparently
well-connected LNHer.

"I'm tired of always being used as a weapon by my fellow legionnaires,"
laments the LNHer Anyone Can Edit.  "Like a duex ex machina!  I want to
be myself, to be used as an actual character, not a plot device!"

"You know," says Namedropper Lad, "Chris Claremont told me he had the
same problem with Professor X.  That's why he had to keep finding ways
for Prof X not to be around the X-Men, to be out in space and
everything.  He had to keep lessening the guy's powers so he didn't
just come in at the end and save the day."

"Hmm."

"I suppose we could find someone to edit you to lessen your powers, so
that you couldn't be introduced in a story just to give it an ending,"
muses Namedropper Lad, "but that might lessen some of your appeal.  I
mean, you are the LNHer That Anyone Can Edit: the whole point is that
anything can happen with you.  I could ask Mark what he thinks."

"Mark?" asks WikiBoy.

"Mark Evanier," says Namedropper Lad.  "I'm something of a protege to
him."  His chest swelled with pride.  "And I took Marv Wolfman's
daughter to prom.  And I'm a good chat buddy with Todd DeZago.  That
was when he was still chatting.  He's trying to stay away from the
internet now and concentrate on his writing."

"That's nice," says WikiBoy politely.

"William Messner-Loebs read this story I wrote, this fan-fiction,"
Namedropper Lad prattles on, "and he liked it so much that he gave me a
double high-five!"

"But Bill Loebs only has one arm," says WikiBoy.

"What?"

"He only has one arm.  How can he give you a double high-five if..."

"Did he read your fan-fiction story, WikiBoy?"

"Well, no..."

"Do you hang out with him?"

"No..."

"We shoot hoops all the time," says Namedropper Lad.  "If anyone would
know how many arms he had, I would.  Not you.  You know what your
problem is, WikiBoy?"

"I'm constantly an object of torment upon which others project their
guilt and rage?"

"No.  You've got too big a head.  I'm going to take you down a notch."
The Schmoozing Spartan rolls back his sleeves.  "WikiBoy, I am hereby
editing you so that you can no longer be used as a deux ex machina!"
He spits and walks away.  In the distance, WikiBoy hears him telling
Fred about the phone conversation he had with Evan Dorkin.

Haiku Gorilla clears his throat.

   " the fly digested
     takes some solace in balance
     spiders die in frost "

WikiBoy blinks.  "What the hell does that mean?"

Suddenly, a thud resonates through out the lobby.  WikiBoy turns to
find Namedropper Lad lying flat on his back, groaning in pain.

"Somebody call Dan Slott!" Namedropper Lad demands.  "I'm on his
insurance plan!  And somebody call Ed Brubaker!... he has the number
for my lawyer!  I'm going to sue!  Who in the name of John Byrne (a
very close friend of mine, I'm always on his message board, isn't it
terrible about that Wikipedia article?) put this banana peel here?"

WikiBoy turns to Haiku Gorilla and smiles.  "It all makes sense, now.
Thank you."

(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.

Mainstream Man: Marc A. Nicol.
Fred: Ken Schmidt.
Everyone else: mine.