[LNHY] Matthew Almighty 3: The Final Part... Really... Honest

Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Sat May 20 02:37:27 PDT 2006

World Mansion in Upstate New York...

  "Hey!" Worserine called after his friend. 
  "I just wondered where you'd been."
  "None of your business."
  "What's up with you?"
  "What do you mean?"
  "You sound upset."
  "Yeah," Cryalot said, "that's my power."
  "No, I mean more than usual.  And besides, you're
Cryalot, not Snarkyalot."
  "What's your point?"
  Worserine shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know.  I
thought maybe it was that time of the month again."
  "Excuse me?"
  "You know."
  "Worserine, I'm a guy.  I don't have monthly
  "Yeah, but Pathetic Girl does."
  "So maybe it's her time of the month and you're in a
bad mood because you're not getting any."
  "I'm right, aren't I?"
  "Shut up."

Matthew Almighty 3: The Final Part... Really... Honest

                         ACT I

  Least met with his teammates in the lounge.
  "I have bad news," he said.
  "What now?" Sighalot asked.
  "A major pharmacutical company has found a way to
suppress people's urge to laugh."
  "Supress?" Fairy asked.
  "Permanently," Least explained.  "They're calling it
a cure."
  "That's ridiculous!" Stone said.  "Laughing isn't a
disease!  It's nothing that needs to be cured! 
There's nothing wrong with us if we laugh."
  "Some people would disagree," Least explained. 
"Some people think the world has already become too
silly and repressing laughter might be a way to make
the world more serious."
  Hack was confused.  "I'm confused," he said.  He
wanted to know why anyone would want to stop laughing.
 "Why would anybody want to stop laughing?"  He was
getting a bit annoyed with the narrator describing
everything he said and did though.  "I am getting a
bit annoyed with the narrator describing everything I
say and do though."
  Least nodded.  "It's exactly that sort of gag that
certain members of the public want to put a stop to!"
  Liceman scratched his head.  "But in order to do
that they have to find people who have a sense of
humour and get them to take the cure."
  Liceman scratched his head more vigorously.  "Maybe
it's about time I took a bath."
  "I think what Liceman is trying to say," Pola.rec
suggested, "is that they might be planning on forcing
people to take the cure."
  "Yeah," Liceman said, "that's it."
  "Well I, for one, won't let them!" Nightcrapper
  "It's time for us to... take a stand!" Confused
  "Well, actually," Least said, "it isn't."
  "It isn't?" Confused asked.
  "Well, no," Least said, "because all they've said so
far is that the 'cure' is available.  They aren't
forcing anybody to take it."
  "It's only a matter of time," Dazed said.
  Lungshot was about to say something when a
mysterious figure appeared amongst them.  "I agree,"
he said.
  "Who are you?" Stone asked.
  "My name is Matthew Pauli."
  "Is that name supposed to mean something to us?"
Sighalot asked.
  "I am a copy of Matthew Petrie," he explained.
  "The guy on Friends?" Confused asked.
  "No.  Don't you remember?  Matthew Petrie was given
the power of God and chose to make half a million
copies of himself in order to reduce his workload and
make it possible for every man, woman and child to
feel the power of God!"
  "You mean the guy on Friends was a clone?" Confused
  Matthew Pauli sighed deeply.  "Look, if you must
know, the writer didn't even notice the similarities
in the two names until after he wrote the original
Matthew Almighty.  He was actually looking for an
analogue of his own name.  Now, I suppose it is
possible that this Matthew Perry could be another one
of us who travelled back in time and became and actor
and appeared on said sitcom for whatever number of
years it was running."
  "And in movies too," Nightcrapper pointed out.
  "And in movies too," Matthew Pauli repeated back,
"but that isn't what this story is about.  This story
is about the cure for hilarity.  Remember?"
  "I thought these copies all lost their powers,"
Stone said.
  "Yeah!" said Fairy.  "Didn't you all give up your
powers so that God could get his powers back?"
  Matthew Pauli hesitated a bit.  "Yes, well, I was on
Mars at the time."
  "So you didn't give up your powers?" Liceman asked.
  "What about all the others?" Dazed asked.
  "They all gave up their powers."
  "Are you sure?" Pola.rec asked.  "Maybe there were
others on Mars."
  "I'm sure."
  "How can you be so sure?" Hack asked.
  "I just am."
  "If I had God-like powers," Sighalot said, "I sure
as hell wouldn't give them up so easily."
  "Well, I would have," Matthew Pauli assured her. 
"The only reason I still have powers now is because I
wasn't on Looniearth when the whole
giving-up-all-our-powers thing happened.  I assure you
that all the other copies of Matthew Petrie did indeed
give up their powers."
  "Let's just say for the moment that is true," Least
said.  "Why are you here?"
  "Right," Matthew said.  "I thought we could work
  "Stopping people from laughing is only the
beginning," Matthew explained.  "There are forces here
in these Loonited States that seek to rid the world of
silliness altogether!  That would mean no more teams
of heroes, at least not costumed teams."
  "So what you're saying then is that this so-called
'cure' is a threat to our very existance!" Lungshot
said, finally getting a word in.
  "What do you want us to do?" Stone asked.
  Matthew smiled. 

                        ACT II

A secret laboratory somewhere in Net.ropolis

  "We've captured one."
  "One what?"
  "One of the boxing kangaroos."
  "Yes.  The other one escaped."
  "So... are we going to kill it?"
  The young scientist shook his head.  "No.  We're
going to use it to test a new drug."
  "It's designed to turn funny animals into ordinary
  "Could you be more specific?  What exactly does the
drug do?"
  The young scientist grimaced.  "To tell you the
truth, we're not sure.  That's why we're reluctant to
test it on humans to see what effects, if any, it
might have on silly people.  That's why we're excited
by this opportunity to test the drug on a large
mammal, in this case a kangaroo.  We're hoping it will
make the kangaroo normal."
  "Okay," his collegue said, "define normal."
  The young scientist nodded.  "I'll show you."
  The two scientists passed into a room filled with
cages.  In the cages were mice and rabbits.
  "These animals all look normal, don't they?"
  "They're not?"
  The young scientist smiled.  He walked over to where
the mice were kept.  "I'd like to introduce you to
Mickey, Minnie and Speedy Gonzales!"
  "You gave them the names of famous mice."
  "No!"  The young scientist laughed.  "It's really
them... after the drug was administered."
  "My God!"
  "And over here... this weakling of a mouse... Mighty
  "What about the rabbits?"
  "That one's Bugs.  The other is Roger."
  "We're hoping the kangaroo will also react favorably
to treatment."

  A few minutes later, in the next room, said kangaroo
was being strapped down to a table.  Just as the final
straps were being fastened down, the animal awoke.
  "Where am I?" it asked.
  "Don't speak," the doctor-in-charge said.  "Animals
are not supposed to speak."
  "Says who?"
  "We do.  Now be quiet."
  "This is just about what you want," the kangaroo
said.  "What about me?  Don't I have rights?"
  "Of course not.  You're an animal."
  "What are you planning to do to me?"
  The doctor ignored him.  "Nurse, it's time."
  "Yes, doctor."
  The kangaroo eyed the large needle that the nurse
was about to insert into him.  "What is that?"
  "It's for your own good."
  "What the hell is that?!"
  "I told you it's for your own good!" the doctor
said, getting quite exasperated.  "Now, if you don't
mind, could you please just let us get on with this? 
I don't make it a habit to talk with animals!"
  "Forget it!" the kangaroo said, starting to
struggle.  "No way!  You're not sticking me with
  "Keep still!  Nurse!  Proceed!"
  The nurse grimaced and shook her head.  "I'm trying
doctor but he just keeps moving!"
  Finally, with a great surge of power, the kangaroo
broke free of his bonds.  Everybody in the room stood
back.  The kangaroo started hopping towards the
window.  "I'm outa here!"
  "No!" the doctor screamed.  "We're ten storeys up!"
  The kangaroo jumped through the glass window,
presumably to its death... but instead of landing in
the paved parking lot it landed on the nearby grass. 
It's amazingly powerful legs were then not only able
to absorb the impact of hitting the ground but propel
it on across the road and into a nearby park.
  "We've got to capture it again!" the doctor said. 
"Are there any superteams available."
  "We could call the Deadly Derious Squad," the young
scientist we met earlier suggested.
  "They don't like to hunt down kangaroos," his
collegue pointed out.
  "The Teen Fascists?"
  "Is the kangaroo a satan worshipper?"
  "Then the kangaroo doesn't exactly fall into their
  "How about the World's Worst Heroes?"
  "I don't think so."
  "The LNH?"
  The senior scientist shook his head.  "No.  We're
going to call in the army."

  Soon the kangaroo was in the desert.  The desert
reminded the kangaroo of his n ative Australia and
this enabled the kangaroo to calm down and rest for a
  Then the helicopters came.  Four of them.
  "Be careful," General Russ said from the cockpit of
one of the helicopters.  "We're to bring this animal
back alive."
  Just then the kangaroo jumped up and came down in
the path of one of the helicopters.  As it passed in
front of the helicopter, it was able to shatter the
glass around the cockpit with a single punch.  The
pilot managed to bring the helicopter down for an
emergency landing while the kangaroo, likewise, was
able to land a safe distance away.
  "Alright screw that!" General Russ said.  "Take it
  A second helicopter fired a missile at the kangaroo
but the kangaroo just caught the missile and threw it
back at the helicopter.  The missile exploded on
impact.  The pilot not only survived the explosion but
managed to safely land the damaged helicopter.
  "That's it!" General Russ said.  "I want you to aim
at those rocks on either side of the kangaroo.  I want
you to turn this area into a parking lot!"
  The third and fourth helicopters fired their
missiles as their general had ordered, thereby turning
what had been a beautiful natural rock formation into
a pile of rubble.
  "Your parking lot is ready, Sir!" one of the pilots
  "Excellent!" General Russ said.  "Alright, let's get
down there and see if anything survived!"

  Later, back at the secret laboratory, the scientist
in charge of the project waited to hear from General
Russ.  Suddenly, a window opened on his computer and
he received a request to view General Russ' webcam.
  "I hope this is good news, General," he said.
  >>Not exactly.<<
  "What happened?"
  >>We thought we had him... but there's no sign of
him.  He must have gotten away.<<
  "You are going to continue to look for him, aren't
  >>That might be difficult.<<
  "How so?"
  >>He managed to down two of our helicopters.  And,
the way he moves, there's no sense using ground forces
against him, not unless he's injured.  Besides...<<
  "Besides what?"
  >>It just seems a bit... silly.  Sending the entire
army after one kangaroo.<<
  The scientist nodded.  "Alright, Russ, I
  >>I'm sorry.<<
  "Don't worry about it, Russ," he assured him.  "Say
hello to Rachel for me when you get home."
  >>Will do,<< Russ said before he closed his webcam.
  The scientist stood up.  Next to him stood a man in
a business suit.
  It was Major Lee Serious.  "He's quite right, you
know.  Fighting a kangaroo.  It's silly."
  The scientist grimaced.  "I thought we needed to
test the drug."
  "I wouldn't worry about that," Major Lee Serious
said.  "I'm sure it works just fine."
  The scientist eyed him suspiciously.  "Where did it
come from anyway?"
  Major Lee Serious betrayed no emotion.  "I wouldn't
worry about that either.  Just do your job."

                        ACT III

  "So... what are we going to do?" Fairy asked.  "I
mean, we can't just sit here."
  "Actually, we could," Hack said.  "I mean there's
fourteen of us here.  If each of us provides a few
lines of dialogue then that's an issue right there!"
  "Fourteen?" Stone said.  "Hey!  Where's Pathetic
  "She's not coming," Cryalot said.
  "Why not?" Confused asked.
  "She just didn't feel up to it."
  "That time of the month?" Dazed asked.
  Cryalot nodded sadly.
  "I knew it!" Worserine said with a smile.
  "We should try to stick to discussing the matter at
hand," Least suggested.
  "I was thinking maybe somebody here could infiltrate
the company responsible for the cure," Matthew
  "How?" Nightcrapper asked.
  "Maybe, you know," Liceman said as he scratched his
head, "as a patient."
  "Excuse me?"
  "I think what Liceman is trying to say," Pola.rec
said, "is that one of us pretend to want the cure and
then find out what it involves."
  "Yeah!" Liceman said.  "Hey!  Thanks!"
  "Don't mention it," Pola.rec said with a smile.
  "Hey!" Hack said.  "Pola.rec!  Your _my_ girlfriend,
  "Where does it say I'm _yours_?"
  "Well, in the LNHY roster, for one!" Hack pointed
out.  "Under ADD.NOTES it says 'Girlfriend of Hack'"
  "Okay," Pola.rec said, "but it doesn't mean you own
me!  Or that it gives you the right to--"
  "I'll do it!" Worserine said, interrupting.
  "Do what?" Confused asked.
  Sighalot sighed deeply and shook her head.
  "I'll be the one to take the cure."
  "No!" Stone said.  "It's too dangerous!"
  "What do I have to lose?" Worserine asked.  "I don't
exactly have that much of a sense of humour as it is."
  "Just think!" Stone said.  "You'd never again be
able to enjoy an Adam Sandler movie!"
  Everybody gave Stone a quizical look.
  "Okay... bad example."
  "Look," said Worserine, "it's the only way.  So
let's not waste time arguing about it."
  Matthew nodded.  "Agreed.  So let's just skip ahead
to where you're already there waiting to be 'cured'."
  "Wait!" cried Lungshot.  "I didn't get a chance to
say any--"

  "Follow me, Mr. Worserine."
  Worserine got up and put down the newspaper he was
  "Sorry to keep you waiting."
  "That's okay," Worserine said.  "So, anyway, I was
  "What is the cure, anyway?"
  "Excuse me?"
  "Is it an injection?  Do I swallow it?  Drink it? 
Rub it in?  What?"
  "You'll find out soon enough."
  "Yeah," Worserine said, "but I'd like to know now. 
I mean, I don't like needles."  He laughed.
  The man didn't laugh with him.
  "I guess you took the cure already."
  "You guess correctly."
  Worserine followed him to the end of the hall.
  "The doctor will see you now."
  "So how long does this take?" he asked.
  "Not long."
  "Okay..." Worserine said.  "Here goes."  He went in.

  "So," Stone said, "how did it go."
  "It was fine," Worserine said.  "In and out."
  "Did it hurt?" Hack asked.
  Sighalot sighed.  "Well, come on, get on with it. 
Tell us what we want to know.  What is the cure,
  "Where's Matthew?" Worserine asked.
  "I'm right here," Matthew said.  "I was waiting for
you to get back."
  "Don't keep us in suspense, Worserine!" Lungshot
  "Right," Worserine said.  "The cure."
  "Go on," Matthew said.
  "The cure... is a man."
  "A man?"
  "A man... like yourself."
  "What do you mean?"
  "Well... it seems you weren't the only copy of
Matthew Petrie that didn't give up his powers."
  Matthew was confused.  "So what are you saying?  One
of my... brothers... is evil?"
  Worserine grimaced.  "Not evil... per se.  He seems
to be genuinely interested in making the world a
better place.  Just like you."
  Matthew nodded.  "It doesn't matter.  He may think
he's making the world a better place but he's running
directly contrary to my own plans to, well, make the
world a better place."  He cringed with grim
determination.  "Whatever it takes... I've got to stop

                        ACT IV

  Matthew Pauli transported himself to the place
Worserine had described.  It was a simple matter of
finding the room where his fellow duplicate worked.
  "Mr. Peugot... I presume."
  "Yes?  Who are you?"
  "My name is Pauli."
  "Matthew Pauli."
  "Ah," Michel Peugot said.  "You are one of us."
  "Why are you here?"
  "To stop you."
  Michel Peugot smiled.  "I can't let you do that."
  "I can make you stop."
  Michel could sense that Matthew could.  "I thought
all of you gave up your powers."
  "That's what I thought too."
  "So how come...?"
  "I was on Mars."
  "I see."
  "And you?"
  "I was in France."
  "Very well," Michel said as he sat down behind his
desk.  "You too.  Sit down."
  "You know, in France, they still think Jerry Lewis
is funny."
  "He isn't."
  "Isn't that a matter of opinion?"
  "Do _you_ think he's funny?"
  "That's not the point."
  "Seriously though, don't you think there's something
wrong with people who laugh at 'Dean?  Dean? 
Deeean!'" Michel said, doing his best impersonation
of Jerry Lewis.
  Matthew didn't answer.
  "I wanted to do something about it.  When the time
came for everybody to give up their powers, I went
into hiding."  Michel waved his hands about. 
"Matthew Petrie sent us all over the world to help
  "If you stop people from laughing..."
  "Did we ever ask people if they wanted to be cured
of AIDS or siphylus?"
  "That's different."
  "Is it?" Michel asked.  "I seem to recall that we
would arrive, sometimes in the middle of the night,
sometimes without waking people up, we would just look
at our 'patients' and determine what was wrong with
them and then just cure them."
  "AIDS and siphylus are deadly diseases."
  "Okay.  What about herpes?"
  "Nobody wants herpes."
  "But we didn't ask.  That's the point."  Michel
smiled, having made his point.  "Now I'm asking.  I'm
not doing anything to anybody who does not want a
  Matthew shook his head.  "You don't think there
isn't going to be any pressure on anybody to accept
this 'cure'?  You don't think parents are going to
bring their children in to be cured."
  "I'm only giving the cure to adults," Michel assured
him.  "I'm telling everyone it doesn't work on
children.  The truth is, the children aren't old
enough to make this decision and nobody, not even
their parents, should make this decision for them."
  "Indeed," Matthew said, "besides... who would want a
world without the laughter of children?"
  "Some people would," Michel pointed out.
  "Granted," Matthew said, "and those are the people
who need a cure."
  Michel shrugged his shoulders.  "Then cure them. 
But be sure to ask them first if that's what they
  Matthew thought for a moment.  "Have you heard of
Jim Carrey?"
  Michel nodded.  "Comedian.  He was in that Ace
Ventura movie.  Then he disappeared."
  Matthew smiled.  "Under suspicious circumstances."
  "What's your point?"
  "Some people would go to any length to rid the world
of silliness."
  "So?"  Michel shrugged his shoulders.  "I saw that
movie.  It wasn't that good.  So maybe somebody killed
him.  So he didn't go on to make any more movies.  No
great loss."
  "No great loss?"
  "I'm talking from an artistic stand point."
  Matthew nodded.  "Right.  What if I told you there
was another world where Jim Carrey went on to make
  "Oh?"  Michel shrugged his shoulders.  "What has
that got to do with anything?"
  "I've got two of these movies on DVD.  I snatched
them from another dimension."
  "You want to show me Jim Carrey movies?"
  "Just two: The Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind."
  "Never heard of them."
  "Of course not.  They never came out in this
Looniverse because, well, Jim Carrey mysteriously
disappeared and, without him, these movies were never
  "You're just trying to waste my time."
  "No.  I'm trying to show you that the people you are
working with are dangerous.  That even an idiot like
Jim Carrey could have gone on to do great art."
  "You're joking."
  Matthew shook his head.  "Tell you what.  If you
don't agree with me, I'll let you go on with what
you're doing and I won't try to stop you."
  "Okay!  You're on!"

Four hours later.

  Michel nodded.  "I was touched when Truman gave up
the only life he had known."
  "And in the Eternal Sunshine movie?"
  "He... he played it so straight.  I mean, the
concept was so silly... erasing memories and all
that... but he sold it."
  Matthew nodded.  "Only a trained comedian can do
that: in comedy, you have to play things straight or
it won't work.  That's why nobody likes Jimmy Fallon."
  Matthew thought for a moment.  "Could be the Deadly
Serious Squad got to him too."  Matthew nodded
reluctantly.  "Okay, so sometimes they do the world a
favour.  But, whatever happened to Jim Carrey, it was
a great loss.  I mean, besides these movies, he was
also good in The Majestic and Man on the Moon,
although they weren't his best movies."
  Michel nodded.  "Okay, I get your point."
  "Which is?"
  "People need a sense of humour."
  "The people you've 'treated' so far, would it be
possible to give them back their sense of humour?"
  Michel hesitated.  "Maybe... but not so they'd
notice right away.  I was, after all, only giving
people what they wanted."
  Matthew nodded.  "I know... but sometimes what
people want is not the same as what they need."
  Michel performed a hand-waving gesture.  "We still
can't make decisions for others."
  Matthew nodded once more.  "True... but now that we
know about each other we can keep each other honest."
  "Agreed!"  They shook hands and went their separate


  "Wait!" Michel said.
  "What?" Matthew asked.
  "I almost forgot about the animals!"
  "What animals?"
  Michel concentrated for a moment.  "There.  They're
all back to normal.  And out of their cages.  And back
where they belong."
  "Okay.  Are we done now?"

                        THE END


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