LNH/ACRA: Pigs in Time # 2: Banditos
milos_parker at yahoo.com
Tue May 16 14:30:47 PDT 2006
Volunteering to test a prototype time-cycle, MASTER
BLASTER and SARCASTIC LAD of the LNH discover they
have no control over where-- or when-- the cycle will
take them next! They are... PIGS IN TIME!
"Great," said Sarcastic Lad. "Just great."
"What are you ragging me about now?" Master Blaster
"Oh, you only got us locked inside a Mexican prison
back in 1615 with our time-cycle stolen. That's all."
"It's okay," Master Blaster assured him. "The
time-cycle is out of gas anyway, so they won't be
taking it anywhere."
"Thanks for reminding me," Sarc complained. "So,
here we are, the two of us, alone and with nobody to
help us. What now?"
"Now we break out!" Master Blaster said.
"With this!" Master Blaster pulled a HUGE gun out
of nowhere. "I bet you forgot my special ability to
pull big-assed guns out of nowhere and save the day!
I'm more than just a pretty face, you know."
"I don't remember ever saying you were pretty."
"You were thinking it."
"No, I wasn't. Stop coming on to me."
"I'm not coming on to you."
"I'm tired of you undressing me with your eyes!"
"Anyway," Master Blaster changed the subject, "we
can use this to escape."
"I'll show you." He aimed the HUGE gun at the lock
on the cell door. He set his gun to the FLAME
setting, releasing a massive scorching wave of flame,
hitting the lock head-on and causing it to melt.
Before the lock could cool and weld shut, Master
Blaster kicked the cell door open.
"Okay," Sarc said calmly. "So why didn't you pull
out your BIG gun when the posse was arresting us?"
"First of all, it's a HUGE gun. Not a BIG gun."
"They wouldn't have stood a chance. Look, I might
be a psychopath, but I would never, ever, ever take a
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PIGS IN TIME
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BY PHIPPS & RUSSELL
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" BANDITOS "
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"Look!" said Master Blaster. "Over there! The
guys who stole our bike! They're taking it
The corrupt lawmen came to a stop at a small town.
A well-dressed and well-groomed mustachioed man greets
"Who's that?" said Master Blaster.
Sarc blinked. "Let me look him up in my who's who
of Mexico, 1615 edition."
<< Don Fernando, >> said one of the grubby-looking
lawmen. << We come with a gift. >>
"Ah," said Master Blaster whom, the reader will
recall, can speak Spanish. "The guy's name is Don
"Well, what are they saying?" asked Sarcastic Lad.
<< It is called a motorcycle. We have been told it
can run on flatulence, but we have been unable to
produce the desired result. >>
"They still think the bike runs on farts," giggled
Master Blaster. Sarc jabbed him with his elbow.
"Ssh. You got to keep it down."
<< Take the motorcycle to my villa tomorrow
morning, >> said Fernando. << The rest of you, kill
The lawmen rushed towards our heroes, firing their
pistols into the air. Our heroes bid a hasty retreat.
They stopped to catch their breath at the top of a
"Let's stop at the top of this hill," wheezed Sarc,
"and catch our breath."
Master Blaster scanned the sun-scorched sand-lands
behind them. There was no sign of their pursuers.
They had to have lost them. "There's no sign of our
pursuers in the sun-scorched sand-lands behind us. We
must have lost them."
"Look! There's a mansion just over yonder. Maybe
we can seek shelter there for the night." Just over
yonder, Sarc spotted... damn it, the little bugger
beat me to the punch.
"Let's see what's shakin'," said Master Blaster.
Our heroes went to see what was shaking.
Past the gate to the opulent mansion, there was a
garden full of statues. And in that garden, there was
a young woman in her mid-twenties.
<< Strangers! >> she said, startled at their sudden
appearance. << I am startled by your... >>
"Oh, enough with that, already," said Master
Blaster. << We mean you no harm. We are but poor
travelers seeking shelter. >>
"Don't forget to ask for grub," said Sarc.
<< And grub. >>
<< You want... bugs? >> the girl asked.
<< No. Food. Uh, to eat. >>
The girl laughed. << What land do you hail from,
where you dine on bugs? >>
<< It was a joke, >> Master Blaster said, returning
<< Oh. I was waiting for the funny part. >>
"What's going on?" said Sarc.
<< You still laughed. >>
<< This is very true, stranger. >>
<< May I know your name? >>
<< Ines. >>
<< Dona Ines, you have a very beautiful laugh. >>
He took a step closer to her. She smiled again. <<
And a smile to match it, >> he added. The smile
"Oh," said Sarc, rolling his eyes.
AN HOUR LATER
Ines turned to Sarc. << Would you like the last
biscuit, Don Sarcastico? >>
"What'd she say?"
"She wants to know if she can dress you up like a
"This woman says the damndest things," mused Sarc.
He returned her smile and shook his head no.
<< Your friend is very strange, >> she said,
turning to Master Blaster. << He's hardly eaten
anything at all. >>
<< He doesn't have much of an appetite. >>
<< But you do, don't you? I've never see anybody
eat so much in my life! Would you like the last
biscuit, Don Juan? >>
<< I would love it, Dona Ines. >>
The sound of hoofsteps filled the air.
<< That will be my father, >> Ines said. << I will
go to greet him. >> She gave Master Blaster a kiss on
his cheek and made her exit.
"Virgins," mused Master Blaster afterwards. "I'd
forgotten how much fun they were. Simple,
"Easy," added Sarc with a snap of his fingers.
"Easy as pie. I thought the whole point of this time
travel trip was the challenge."
Master Blaster's eyes fell to Ines's place at the
table. "She does look an awful lot like wReanna..."
"Oh, stop it!" said Sarc. "Stop it right now.
You're acting like she's your great love or something.
The only time that you'd ever settle down is if you
were saddled down. With a kid!"
"And that's why I drink Mountain Dew," said Master
Blaster. "Lowers the sperm count."
"Footsteps!" said Sarc. "They must be coming."
"Look, don't say anything. Let me do all the
"Rob, I don't even speak their language!"
"Yes, but snarkiness transcends the language
barrier. I don't want you screwing us out of a place
to stay for the night, especially with those corrupt
lawmen and that crazy Don Fernando. So let me handle
The great doors to the dining hall opened, and Ines
entered next to her father... Fernando! (twist!
<< Father, >> said Ines, << this is Don Juan and
his friend, Don Sarcastico. Juan is going to marry
Master Blaster choked on his biscuit. Ines hurried
to his side and pounded him on the back. He spat up
the biscuit. << Pleased to meet you, sir. >>
Fernando shook his hand. << Come with me, young
man. Ines, please show our other guest to his room.
Both of them will sleep in the east wing tonight. >>
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Sarc sat in the room, alone. After Ines had left,
he had tried to find suitable pornographic material.
The only thing he could come up with was the Bible.
Usually, he'd just flip to SONG OF SOLOMON and be done
with it, but since the bible was in Spanish...
And so, Sarc was laying on the bed, looking at a
scary-looking portrait of Don Fernando, when Master
Blaster entered the room. "So, Rob? When's the
"The wedding's next month," said Master Blaster, a
"What? So you're actually going to go through with
"Well..." Master Blaster smiled slyly.
"You have a plan!"
"It seems that Don Fernando is not as wealthy as we
thought," said Master Blaster. "It is all a façade.
Which is why, even at the age of twenty-five, his
beautiful daughter remains unmarried. No dowry."
"But you don't want a dowry?"
"It would offend his sense of honour if he couldn't
provide one. And so, I named my price."
"The time cycle."
"I don't suppose he'll throw in some gasoline as a
"I've got that figured out, too."
"You're going to invent the credit card and the
gasoline and buy the gasoline on credit?"
"No. You remember BILL & TED? Once we get back to
our time, we'll get some gasoline, travel back here,
and leave it somewhere for us to find!"
"Try under the bed."
Sarc rolled off the bed and reached his arm
underneath it. "Um, Rob?"
Sarc stood back up again, a holographic image
inducer in the palm of his hand. "What the hell did
you leave a holographic image inducer here for? Do
you think the time-cycle is going to run on
"Maybe we put the gasoline in the time-cycle to
save us some time?"
"I guess. But a note would have been better than
an image inducer." Sarc set the inducer down on a
night-side table. "So, when do we get the bike?"
"Well, those thugs are bringing it by tomorrow
"Yes. But. When. do. WE. get. the. bike. ?"
"Day after the wedding?"
"Rob! I can't ride the bike by myself! It
requires two people!"
"And there will be two people."
"But what about your... uh... wife?"
Master Blaster shrugged. "I'll give her the best
honeymoon of her life, and then, whoosh."
"Like the wind, baby."
Suddenly, the portrait of Don Fernando swung open,
and Fernando himself stepped down onto the bed. "I've
"You were there the whole time?" said Master
"Yes, Juan. And I speak English.
"I was going to kill you for seducing my daughter,
that is, until you assured me of your honourable
intentions. But now, the truth is out!" Fernando
produced a sword and sliced through the air.
Master Blaster stumbled back.
"Leave him alone!" said Sarc, rushing towards
In response, Fernando kicked Sarc in the stomach.
The caustic crusader fell to the floor, groaning.
Fernando was upon Master Blaster, and prepared to
stab him in the heart.
Master Blaster produced one of his big-ass guns and
Fernando was gone, replaced by floating embers.
In his haste, Master Blaster had not checked that
the gun was on the proper setting. He had violated
his own code of honour, and paid off the foreshadowing
of the pre-logo scene. He had taken another human
<< Father? >>
"Ines!" said Master Blaster. "It's coming from the
portrait! She must be on her way, from some secret
"What are we going to do?" said Sarc.
"The image inducer! We'll disguise you as Don
Sarc activated the inducer, assuming the guise of
Ines's father just before she came in through the
<< Father, Juan! I heard noises! >>
<< We were, uh, arm-wrestling, >> explained Rob.
He glanced over to Sarc.
Sarc cracked an uneasy smile.
<< Arm-wrestling, >> said Master Blaster again.
<< Arm-wrestling, >> echoed Sarc.
<< Are you alright, father? >> said Ines. << You
sound... different. >>
Sarc's smile grew wider and he blinked. Master
Blaster stepped in. << He, uh, strained his vocal
chords. Uh, arm-wrestling. >>
<< Arm-wrestling? >> she said in disbelief.
<< Arm-wrestling, >> said Sarc, nodding.
<< Dona Ines, >> said Master Blaster, << your
father and I have much to discuss. Why don't you go
back to bed? >>
<< Okay. >> She got up on her tip-toes and kissed
her father on the cheek. << Oh. I almost forgot.
Father, do you know where my blue bonnet is? I want
to wear it tomorrow. >>
Sarc smiled at her in what he thought was a
paternal fashion. << Arm-wrestling. >>
<< What? I... >>
Master Blaster shooed her off. Sarc turned off the
"What the hell are we going to do? Those men are
coming with the bike tomorrow!"
"Hey," said Master Blaster, "that's right! Now we
won't have to wait until after the wedding." He wiped
his brow, relieved. "That's great! I didn't want to
have to do that to poor Ines. I get to be a likeable
character after all!"
"There's still one problem," said Sarc. "How are
we going to get the bike from them? They're going to
know I'm not Don Fernando. I'm going to have to
speak, and I don't speak Spanish!"
"You spoke it just fine: << Arm-wrestling. >> All
I have to do is teach you a few phrases. It's really
all you need."
THE NEXT MORNING
"Don Fernando, aqui es la motocicleta."
"Ah... motocicleta... bueno."
"Don Ferando, esta usted bien? Usted suena
"Diferente? Uh... <<arm-wrestling?>>"
"<<Arm-wrestling!>> Usted no debe Don Fernando!
Usted ser uno impostor!"
"Well, I know what that word means."
Master Blaster snuggled close to Ines, spooning.
<< Dona Ines. >>
<< Juan, my darling. >>
<< Your father tried to kill me last night. >>
<< Arm-wrestling? >>
<< Ah, no. With a sword. >>
<< What happened? >>
<< ... I killed him. It was an accident. >>
<< It was self-defense. >>
<< I mean, I... what? >>
<< I do not blame you, Juan. I am angry that you
killed my father, but I would have been far angrier
with my father had he killed my husband. >>
<< Yeah... well, about that... >>
AT THAT MOMENT, IN THE GARDEN OF STATUES
<< Where are you, gringo? We shall find you! >>
<< Are you sure this is the way he went? There's
no sign of him. >>
<< I saw him! I saw him come in here! >>
<< I think you've been hitting the sauce, Marcel.
Let's just leave the bike somewhere and go do corrupt
lawmen stuff. >>
<< Alright, >> said the improbably-named Marcel.
<< But I could have sworn I saw him come in here. >>
<< Leave the bike up against that statue of Don
They did so, and began to make their exit. Sarc,
disguised as the marble statue, let out a sigh of
It was at that moment that Ines and Master Blaster
entered the garden. Master Blaster recognized his old
friend immediately. "Sarc! What are you doing up
there, disguised as that statue?"
<< Why are you talking to that statue, Don Ramirez?
>> asked Ines.
<< That's not a statue. It's Sarc! Hey, Sarc.
Why don't you come in and have breakfast with us? >>
The lawmen suddenly came running back in through
the gate. << I knew I saw him! We've been had! >>
Statue-Sarc reached down and grabbed Rob, putting
him in the time-cycle's side-car. He hopped into the
driver's seat himself and took off.
"I think we've lost them," said Master Blaster.
"Looks like we put gas in this thing after all. Ready
to drive 'til we hit eighty-five?"
"And end up getting sent to some random place at
some random time?" Sarc shrugged his shoulders.
"Sure. Why not?"
"Hey, Sarc! Try to be a bit more optimistic!
Maybe last time was a glitch."
Just then, an old-fashioned English police box
appeared from out of nowhere.
"Is that what I think it is?" Master Blaster asked.
"I think so."
"Let's crack open the jelly-bellies!"
A young, muscular man came through the police box
door. He was dressed in a spandex uniform and spoke
with a French accent. "You are Master Blaster, I
"Oh geez!" Master Blaster said. "It's a time cop!"
"Don't worry!" the Time Cop said. "I am-- how do
you say?-- here to rescue you. Come with me and I
will take you back to your headquarters."
Sarc was beaming. "Alright!"
Master Blaster eyed the Time Cop suspiciously.
"Wait a moment... how did you know where to find us?"
The Time Cop smiled broadly. "It was not hard!
The adventures of Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad
through time are legendary!"
"Yes! You've mated with English queens and with
"Huh? When was that?" Sarc asked.
Master Blaster grimaced. "Don't you get it, Sarc?
These things haven't happened yet... and he's here to
"To preserve the future as we know it, your travels
through time must end here and now!" the Time Cop
"I don't think so!" said a determined Master
Blaster. "Sarc! Hold on! It's time to drive till we
The Time Cop pulled out a futuristic-looking gun.
"I don't think so."
Master Blaster laughed. "That's not a gun." He
pulled out his own gigantic gun. "_THIS_ is a gun!"
"Oh, merde!" cried the Time Cop. He ran back into
"Alright!" Master Blaster said. "Let's go!" Our
two heroes accelerated to eighty-five and disappeared.
"They don't know what they're doing," the Time Cop
mused. "Luckily, I know where they're going... even
if they don't!"
"Thank you for telling me your story, Dona Ines. I
just have one more question." Lt. Tirsa de Molina
sits down on the block of stone where her father's
'statue' once stood. "This stranger. Did he have a
Before he had left, Master Blaster had told Dona
Ines who he really was and where he was really from.
"Don Juan," she said firmly. "He shall always be
my Don Juan."
NEXT TIME: The Wives of Henry VIII
Part Six of Six (?!)
Master Blaster & the Time Cop created by Martin
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence.
(C) 2006 MARTIN PHIPPS & TOM RUSSELL.
Director of MILOS, LIFE AND TIMES OF A DREAMER
Limited autographed dvds now on sale, directly from the filmmaker
"In the beginning, Milos seems to have no clue how to relate
to anyone. He is quizzical, leaving the viewer questioning
-- Ryan M. Niemiec, co-author of MOVIES AND MENTAL ILLNESS
"If a comic book, book, movie or novel is not somebody's fantasy
then who wrote it and to whom does it appeal to? In order for a
shared universe to have a widespread appeal, it has to appeal on
a primal level. If somebody says superhero comics are just 'wish
fulfillment' then he needs to explain what is entertainment that
doesn't satisfy our wishes and what satisfaction at all you can get
from it." -- Dr. Martin Phipps
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