LNH: The Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #14: The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Thu May 11 19:52:06 PDT 2006

Old School logo seemed appropriate...

     | |      The
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                        |_|  OF NET.HEROES
                             VOL II:  Number Fourteen

It wasn't Fred's fault.  He was just minding his own business.  Catching up
on his magazine reading.  He tried to ignore her like he ignored most of the
people who tried to get his attention while he was manning the LNH
receptionist desk.  But -- there was something about her that he couldn't
ignore.  Maybe it was that sweet seductive smell that seemed to hover around
her.  Or was it the voice that seemed to be nibbling at his ears?  Fred
looked up.  Which was a mistake.  A big mistake.

First there was the shirt.  It was a ripped shirt.  Ripped in all the right
places.  So many rips.  It was a wonder why the shirt didn't just fall off.
How it seemed to go right towards the edge of what was acceptable in a
Comics Code Comic and just hang there.  It was hard to go past the shirt
because he could have just stared at that shirt for ages, but there was so
much more to look at.  There were the long slender perfect arms with their
perfect slender hands.  And then there was the area between her shirt and
her cut-off jeans.  A perfect bare skin bridge.  It seemed close enough to
just touch.  And the shorts.  The very cut-off ripped jeans.  The ripped,
ripped, ripped jeans.  No, he had to escape this.  Go to the face.  Go to
the face!

Ah, but the face -- The face was the killer.  There was no escape from the
face.  It was eye quicksand.  Eyes like a drowning man's sky.  Lips like
ruby handcuffs.  And hair -- like a pyromaniac's temple.  Fred knew when he
saw that face that he was going to have to do every single thing this lady
wanted.  No choice.  No choice at all.

"Hi, Fred.  My name's Ripping Dancer.  I'm the new Taste.  I'm the new
Desire.  I'm the new Chains.  And I'm the LNH's newest Fire."

Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II:  Number Fourteen

         **** The Trouble with Recreated Dream Girls ****


"Ok.  Umm -- So -- will you be Conquering Us?  Or Joining Us today?"

"Um -- Joining.  Definitely.  Maybe some conquering a little bit later," she
said with a sly smile.

"I'll just check down both boxes."  Fred made a couple of X's.  "Okay.
Powers.  What sort of powers do you have?"

"The power to rip things off."

"Hmm.  I think Deja Dude already has that power."

"Umm -- No.  I don't think Deja Dude can rip things off quite the way I can.
Let me Demonstrate."

She stepped back and did a little twirl.  Her body twisted and spun.  Every
part of her body flowed like mercury.

And as Fred watched her dance he could feel something.  A force grabbing his
shirt.  Then he heard a tear.  Some wild unseen force was just totally
ripping his shirt to shreds.  Fred caught his breath when she finished her
dance.  "Yeah, I don't think Deja Dude has ever done anything quite like
that -- at least not to me."

"And I can do more.  Like clothing under clothing."  She wiggled her hips a
bit as she started to enter another dance move.

Fred suddenly had a very awkward feeling as he felt some part of his
clothing beneath his pants start to rip.  "Umm.  Just so you know.  This
isn't quite an Acraphobe story as much as I wish it was right now."

"Sorry.  Just so you know though, I can rip through anything while I'm
dancing.  Paper.  Walls.  Steel.  Time.  Space.  Body Parts.  Minds.  That's
my power.  Ripping.  So, do I get in?"

"I believe so.  Incredibly Sexy Dancer who can rip things to shreds is one
of our positions we've needed filled ever since the last one quit.  You just
need to fill out this paperwork..."

"Fred."  Ripping Dancer lightly touched Fred's hand.  "Couldn't you be a
dear and do all that boring paperwork for me?"

If there was one thing that could possibly break the hold this woman had on
Fred it was the suggestion that he do more paperwork.  Especially, paperwork
that no one was paying him to do.  Fred tried to say No, but her smile --
her smile was like a hundred ton gorilla.  "I -- I guess I could do that --
but I don't -- I don't know anything about you.  I don't even know your

"Oh, just make up a name that sounds good.  And fill in the rest with
whatever you feel like -- it's not like anyone's ever going to actually read

"I guess I can do that."  It was a strange request, still, she was probably
right.  People rarely ever bothered to read all this stupid paperwork.

"You're such a sweet guy.  I think I'm going to take to take a tour of LNHQ
now, okay?"  She waved bye to Fred.

"Umm -- okay.  Bye."  Fred watched as she walked away.  Her back seemed even
more amazing than her front if that was at all possible.  She reminded him
of someone.  Someone from the past?  No.  Not the past.  Someone in a dream.
Yes.  A dream.  Although for some reason he expected her to have a tail.


"Who's the coolest superhero ever?"

"You are Master Blaster.  You're the tops.  You're the Mona Lisa.  You're
the Leaning Tower of Pisa," said Wikiboy who only said that because Master
Blaster had edited him to say that.  For what WikiBoy really thought of
Master Blaster, well, we really can't put those words into a family comic
like this.

"Damn straight."  Master Blaster played with his sunglasses a bit while he
leaned against one of the LNHQ's walls.  "I probably should be saving the
world or something.  What do you think, WikiBoy?"

"Oh, no, Rob!  Then who would edit me to do horrible humiliating things to
myself that are crimes of nature and should probably send you to jail for
life if there was any kind of justice in this world?"

"Hmm," said Master Blaster completely ignoring WikiBoy.  "My MacDaddy Vibes
are picking up something.  Something big.  Goddam big!  Christ!  It can't
be!  It's like some kind of a Sexual Super Nova!  God.  Nothing can be that
big!  It goes against the Laws of Sexual Physics!  It's getting closer.
Closer!  Damn.  Do you see that?  It's not possible!  Are you seeing this?"

"No.  I'm afraid not.  I'm completely absorbed in the brilliant God like
being that is Master Blaster.  Perhaps you could edit me to look at other
people besides you?"

"Damn.  I think I'm in love.  God, she's the hottest thing ever!"

"Should I remind you that you're married, Rob?"

"WikiBoy edit yourself to forget the fact that I'm married.  Damn.  Married.
Why couldn't I have used a condom that one night?  Just one night and I'd be
free.  My life's a tragedy, WikiBoy."

"Would you like me to edit myself to shed a tear?"

"I wonder if I could time-travel back to before I got wReanna pregnant and
then --?  Oh well.  Hey, Kid Anarky!  Checkout the Babe!  Have you ever seen
a Hotter One?"

Kid Anarky looked up briefly as he walked in the direction of Master
Blaster.  For one brief moment there was a glimmer in his eyes.  But
unfortunately some memories came with that glimmer.  The glimmer was
replaced by a sadness.  A deep unexplainable sadness.

"Just an imitation.  Not even close to real thing."

"Just an imitation?  Just an imitation?  What the hell?  My God, Anarky!
Are you blind?  This chick's so hot she could melt the Looniverse like a
snowman in a tanning booth!  What happened to you, Anarky?  Ever since that
time back in '99 when you had that mental breakdown -- you've been getting
flakier and flakier every year!  Christ!"

Kid Anarky just shrugged and then eventually slipped away back into Limbo

"Oh, man!  She's coming closer!  How do I look, WikiBoy?"

"If there were a Fonze in the Pantheon of Greek Gods you'd be that God,
Master Blaster.  Although if you'd like, I could edit myself to speak an
actual honest opinion."

"Hey, I'm kind of new here,"  Ripping Dancer said entering the conversation.
"One of you guys wouldn't happen to know who the LNH Tour Guide Person is?"

"Hey, Babe -- looks like this is your lucky day.  Just happens to be that's
my middle name.  LNH Tour Guide.  Master 'LNH Tour Guide' Blaster."

"I thought your middle name was.." WikiBoy started to say.

"WikiBoy edit yourself to not have a mouth."

WikiBoy touched his face with a horrified expression.  He had a great urge
to scream.  But he had no mouth.


The Self-Righteous Preacher looked down at his John the Baptist watch.  It
was going to be a busy day.

First thing, he had this meeting with some network executives at the POX
channel where he was going to have to convince them to cancel this horrible
new vile godless show called, 'The Communist Homosexual Atheist Happy Fun
Hour!'  And then he was going to have to get a haircut.  And then he was
going to have to do an interview with Limbaugh Man.

He just hoped he wouldn't be delayed by any sinful LNH activities.  Maybe
just this once he could walk from his LNH room all the way to the LNHQ
entrance without stopping to save some souls from wicked debauchery.  That
would be nice.  Just one time.

And then -- And then it happened.  At first he just stared.  It didn't seem
possible.  That something like this could possibly happen in the LNH.  And
then his blood started to boil.  It couldn't be!  Repressed memories started
to surge in his brain.  It was the 90's.  Slick Willy was in the White
House.  And the LNHQ was -- was -- swarming with half-naked cat girls!  An
orgy of half-naked cat girls!  Twitching their tails in a perverted fashion!
It couldn't be.  That could have never happened.  Never on his watch!  There
was never a half-naked cat girl in the LNH.  What were causing these
nightmarish visions?  Lies!  Satanic Lies!!  Why was he thinking about some
abomination that had never existed in the first?  Must go back to reality!

It was her!  He looked at the slutty harlot that had triggered these Satanic
Lies.  She wasn't a cat girl.  Some kind of a witch obviously.  A filthy
whorish witch walking around the LNH barely with a shred of clothing on her!
It was like watching the Gates of Hell open right in the LNHQ!  He had to
save the LNH!  She looked at him!  And she gave him a devilish smile!  He
gripped his cross tightly.  Our Father who art in Heaven -- Give me
strength!  Oh, Give Me Strength!  It was time to give some -- Bible Lessons!


Frat Boy, carefully, dipped his french-fry into some ketchup.  "Man, Sarc.
I knew should have gotten five packets of ketchup.  There are just too many
fries on my plate for four packets of ketchup!  What am I going to do when I
run out of ketchup?"

Before Sarcastic Lad could come up with some ego-slaughtering barb to
deflate Frat Boy's inquiry, the two heroes heard a loud cry.

"You will pay for this!  Evil 666 Fondling Whore!!  When I get back to my
room and put some new clothes on..."

Frat Boy and Sarcastic watched a very naked man with a very, very red face
running very, very fast through the LNH cafeteria.  The man also with
incredibly speed waved his hands so to hide his most private parts as he
screamed and cursed his way out of the cafeteria.

"Whoahh!!  Was that -- was that who I think it was?"

"Frats, ol' chum -- I'm surprised at you!  What in the world are they
teaching you at that old sheep skin factory you go to?  That man, right
there -- that man that you and I just saw running through the cafeteria
naked as a new-born baby -- That was the guy who invented Spring Break!  Who
invented Mardis Gras!  Who invented the Preachers Gone Wild video series!
Who fought for our right to party!  Yes, my dear Frat Boy.  The man who we
just saw is a living legend.  He's the reason America is still the Greatest
Country in the World!  And -- He's the man who taught me everything I ever
knew about life.  That man..." Sarcastic Lad brushed something next to his
eye.  Perhaps a teardrop.  "...Was my Dad."


"Are you ready?" the Ultimate Ninja said standing in attack pose #1567.

"I suppose so," the Ripping Dancer said leaning against the Peril Room wall
in an alluring and suggestive pose.

"Well.  Let's see what you've got.  I'm giving you the first strike."

The Ripping Dancer stretched both of her arms out and then lifted up one of
her legs.  She quickly kicked the floor with that leg and gave herself a
violent twirl.  Her arms and legs started to blur in a hypnotic spinning
motion.  Before the Ultimate Ninja realized it, he felt his entire ribcage
crack right open.  And then he saw that the Ripping Dancer was holding
something.  A heart.  A bloody heart!

The Ultimate Ninja quickly threw a Ginsu Katana blade right into the
forehead of the Ripping Dancer.  She fell to the floor dead.

The Ultimate Ninja in great pain stumbled his way to her corpse to examine
the heart she held in her hand.

"Impressive.  Unfortunately, for you -- you chose the wrong one.  You chose
-- My Fake Heart!"


"Thank you for helping with my suitcase -- umm -- sorry didn't get your
name?" Ripping Dancer said to a mysterious superhero carrying her luggage.

"Move-Del, Miss.  I have the power to move things."

"Do you want a tip -- or something?"

"Oh no, Miss.  I mean if you wouldn't mind if I took a couple of pictures of
-- I mean they're for this collection of mine.  Umm -- photos of LNH
members.  Yeah, that's what they're for!"

Ripping Dancer shrugged her hands and obliged.


Ripping Dancer shut the door behind her and looked at the room.  Her room.

So this is how the Gods and Goddesses live.

She looked at the Queen-Sized bed with a bedspread that had the LNH logo all
over it.  There was a big 'Everything you need to know about the LNH' manual
on the bed.  There was a control panel on the wall.  She walked over and
pressed some buttons.  One of the buttons caused some kind of complex
exercise equipment to emerge from the floor, another caused a giant TV
screen to appear, and still another caused a gigantic poster of wReamhack to

She checked her bathroom out.  Towels, soaps, and little shampoo containers
all with the LNH logo upon them.  The bathtub had quite a bit of room.

The closets seemed to contain an incredible amount of space.  She opened the
fridge and she found a cheesecake with the words, 'Welcome to the LNH' on

She walked over towards the big glass window.  She had a breathtaking view
of the Oblivion Towers.  Strange.  A bunch of LNH'rs with binoculars seemed
to be gazing in her direction.  She shut the blinds.

There was no way she could get used to this.  It was too much.  It was
wonderful.  And it was scary.  She didn't belong here.  None of this was
right.  And she walked over to one of the big gigantic mirrors and looked at
herself.  God, she was beautiful.  This wasn't her.  This was someone else.
She gazed at herself for a few minutes.  And then she began unpacking stuff.

She had a briefcase.  A briefcase with a combination lock.  She looked
around the room again.  Were there cameras here?  Probably.  She carefully
unlocked it and took a peek.  Enough for a week.

Enough for a week.  She closed the briefcase and sighed to herself.


"So.  Is this neat or what?"  The voice came from the LNH'r called Catalyst
Lass.  A senior member who had been a part of the LNH since the early 90's
who had the power to make people share her interests.  "Oh BTW, I'm Cat."
She put out her hand.

"Oh, hi.  Ripping Dancer.  I'm new here."

"You don't say," Catalyst Lass gave a friendly wink.  "Oh, and I should
probably mention that I've got this crazy twin running around who goes by
the name Cat too.  Or Hell Catalyst.  She's a bit of a ditz though.  Fun gal
though.  But enough about me and my crazy daisy life.  How are you

"Well this is all kind of bizarre.  Strange hallways that seem to change
direction all the time.  Vanishing rooms.  I think I'm getting the hang of
it though.  The guys have been really great showing me stuff and all that.
The girls -- I don't know.  They seem to be more aloof."

"Well, they probably just need to get to know you better.  Hey, wait.  Just
thought of something.  Every Wednesday me and a bunch of the girls have this
poker night (barring crossovers -- chaotic add-on storylines -- and other
things that play havoc to girl poker night).  You should come!  I think
Linguistic Lass is holding our next one.  It will be Super Dooper Fun!
Promise!  With Sugar on top!"

"Well, I guess I could do that.  If I won't be a bother?"

"I'm sure all the girls will be thrilled.  Oh and you might want to see New
Look Lass about that outfit of yours.  It definitely could use some
stitching up.  It must be horrible having to walk around in those shredded

"Hmm.  Actually, I think my power causes this."

"Really?  Whoops!  Sorry, didn't know.  Well, I guess we all have our
painful burdens to bear.  So, do you know who your drill instructor is yet?"

"Someone called," Ripping Dancer took a piece of paper out of her pocket,
"Fuzzy?  Do you who that is?"

"Ooh!  Fuzzy!  Ah!"  A big smirk appeared on Catalyst Lass's face. "Well.
Fuzzy's great.  I'm sure you'll have loads of fun.  Fun, fun, fun.  She just
gets a kick out of new recruits.  Boy, you're going to have fun.  Well,
gotta go.  Nice knowing you."  Catalyst Lass's face seemed to be on the
verge of a snickering explosion as she quickly walked away from Ripping


Ripping Dancer's heart felt like it was about to explode.  Her face was on
the grass and she couldn't seem to get up.

"God.  You people are pathetic!  You can't even do one hundred one handed
pushups?  You can't even do that much?!" said an ambiguous blur standing on
the LNH lawn.  A blur called Fuzzy.  "I've seen more effort from Super
Apathy Lad!"

"It's bad enough that you couldn't complete the 20 mile hike!  This has to
be the most embarrassing day in all of LNH history!  I almost wish that the
Brotherhood of Net.Villains would just swoop down and slaughter the lot of
you.  No, wait!  You don't deserve that!  It probably should be some
incredibly mediocre team like the Union of Useless that should destroy you!
Wait!  That's too good!  Maybe a paraplegic Cowardly Lott running you people
over with a wheelchair?  How's that sound?  God.  What have I done to
deserve this?  Please, God.  Tell me."

God seemed to be completely silent on the matter.

"I just wish that we still lived in the days when drill instructors could
still flog people," Fuzzy said shaking her head.

Me too, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad thought sighing to himself.


Oh, God.  She shouldn't be here.  What was she thinking?  Why did she forget
what day it was?

There were no more potions.  And it was going to run out at midnight.
Everything.  This dream was about to burst.  She had to get out of the LNHQ.

No.  It was too late.  Already midnight.  She could feel herself changing.
She didn't want to look.  God.  It was too late.

She had to look though.  She just had to.

So she turned on the lights and looked in the mirror.

It was horrible.  She looked horrible.  God.

Ugly again.  Fat and ugly.  Why?

She had to get more potions.  She couldn't go back to the way she was.  She
just couldn't.  She had to get out of here.

She had to be beautiful again.


She grabbed some sheets from her bed.  Ripping Dancer's clothes didn't seem
to fit too well anymore and she couldn't very well run through the LNHQ
naked.  She grabbed a purse.  She'd need money for a cab.  She called one a
half-hour ago.  Hopefully it would be waiting when she got out of the LNHQ.

Now all she had to do was get from her room to the LNHQ lobby.  Covered in
sheets.  Completely naked under those sheets.  Boy, she was tempting fate.

Since she was on the sixth floor, she'd probably have to take the elevator.
Hopefully, the elevator would be empty.

She opened her door and took a brief look to see if anyone was out there.
It was clear.  She ran quickly to the nearest elevator.  So far clear.  She
hit the down button repeatedly.  Come on.  Come on.

There.  Empty.  Thank God!  Hopefully, it would go straight down to the
lobby.  No stops.  Please.  No stops!

But the elevator had other plans as it stopped on the fifth floor.

Bad Timing Boy and a couple kiwis stepped on.

"Hmm," Bad-Timing Boy said, "Say.  You're new here, aren't you?"

"Yes," Ripping Dancer said through gritted teeth. "I'm -- uh -- LNH Bed
Sheets Lass -- and please don't touch the sheets -- they have -- umm -- the
touch of death!"

"Ookay," Bad-Timing Boy stepped away to another corner of the elevator.  The
kiwis followed Bad-Timing Boy.

The elevator stopped at the fourth floor.

Master Roster Man and Cannon Fodder got on.

"Oh no.  Not you," Cannon Fodder said looking straight at Bad-Timing Boy.
"I can't get on this elevator Master Roster Man."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I get on an elevator with this idiot I die!"  Cannon
Fodder gave Bad-Timing Boy the evil eye.

"I can't help it if you're prone to death!" said Bad-Timing Boy in his

"Look," Master Roster Man said trying to bring reason to this discussion.
"You might die in this elevator if you take it, True.  But on the other hand
if you take the stairs you might also die.  You've got to face that fact.
If you're going to die regardless you might as well take the elevator."

"Fine.  I'll take the elevator.  But I better not die," Cannon Fodder said
as he glared at Bad-Timing Boy.  "I just better not."

As the two heroes joined the others on the elevator, Bad-Timing suddenly
realized something.  "Wait!  Cannon Fodder!  Don't touch the..."  Bad-Timing
Boy tried to pull his friend away from the Bed Sheets of Death, but
unfortunately instead tripped on one of the kiwis and pushed Cannon Fodder
right on top of the female who claimed to be LNH Bed Sheets Lass.  Right on
the Bed Sheets of Death.

"Oh God!  You're touching the Bed Sheets of Death!  I'm sorry Cannon Fodder!
I've killed you again!  I'm so sorry!"  Tears started streaming from
Bad-Timing Boy's eyes.  "Oh God!  What have I done?"

"What the...?" Cannon Fodder said with a horrified expression on his face as
his hands gripped the LNH Bed Sheets.  "Bed Sheets of Death?  Bed Sheets of
Death?! Not Again!  Can't Die Again!  God, I'm Dead!  I'm Dead!  Wait a sec.
I don't feel dead.  Hmm.  In fact I feel fine!  I'm Alive!  I'm Alive!  God!
It's a Miracle, Bad-Timing Boy!"

All three heroes looked at the female wearing LNH Bed Sheets around her
body.  "Umm?  It's a slow death?" she said with a sheepish voice.

"There's something funny going on here," Master Roster Man said to himself
with a grim expression.  "Who is she, Bad-Timing Boy?"

"Umm.  She said her name was LNH Bed Sheets Lass.  At least I think that's
what she said."

Master Roster Man used his incredible power to know who was and who wasn't a
member of the LNH.  "There is no such member of the LNH.  She's a fraud!"
Master Roster Man hit his comm.watch.thingee.  "Ultimate Ninja?  We've got a
747 in EV3.  We're going to the lobby."

The elevator stopped on the third floor.  And that's when the ninjas got on.

A katana skewered right through Cannon Fodder's chest.  "Oh @#$%*!  Not
Again!" were Cannon Fodder's last words.

"This elevator is now under Ninja Law!  You will do as we say or you will
all die!" said the guy who appeared to be in charge of the ninjas.

Oh God, Ripping Dancer thought to herself, This isn't happening!  All I want
to do is get to the lobby!

"You will take this elevator to the thirteenth floor, or -- You will Die!!"

I don't want to go to the thirteenth floor.  I want to go to the lobby!  Why
is this happening? Ripping Dancer thought to herself.

"Umm," Master Roster Man broke in, "There is no Thirteenth Floor.  The LNHQ
has only Ten Floors."

"No!  That's where you're wrong," said Ninja Leader Guy, "Let me explain.
There is a Legend.  A Place.  A Place where a Ninja can feel like a Ninja.
Where a Ninja can sing Ninja Songs.  Where Ninjas have Ninja picnics and
Dance Ninja Dances.  A place where we can laugh and cry.  A place full of
Ninja Circuses and Ninja Rainbows.  A beautiful peaceful place where Ninjas
no longer have to feel oppressed!  No longer have to hide in the dark
shadows.  A Place.  A Place called -- Ninja Nirvana."  Something glistened
from the Leader Ninja's eye.  "And it is here.  In this building.  On the
Thirteenth Floor.  I have searched long for this place.  I have killed many.
Too many.  All the bodies -- all the corpses -- They haunt me.  But now I
can finally know peace.  Now I can finally put down my sword and end this
orgy of death.  We are all going to the Thirteenth Floor and I will kill
anyone who tries to stop me!

"I wasn't planning on stopping you," pointed out Bad-Timing Boy.  "Ninja
Nirvana sounds fun!  Does it have rollercoasters?"

"Punch in the code," the Lead Ninja said ignoring Bad-Timing Boy's question.
One of his lackey ninjas started punching in numbers on the control panel.

Master Roster Man punched in some codes in his wristwatch to warn Ultimate
Ninja about this.

The elevator started rising up.

4.    5.    6.    7.
8.    9.



And finally...


The door opened.

All of the people that were still alive in the elevator gazed with wonder.

They saw the greenest Ninja Grass.  They saw gigantic Ninja Bushes full of
tasty Ninja Berries.  They saw Happy Ninja Clouds floating in the sky
jumping over Ninja Rainbows.

"God.  It's beautiful."  The Ninja Leader just stared.  "I'm here.  I can't
believe it.  After all these years.  After all that blood.  Ninja Nirvana.
Hmm.  That's strange.  Why are all those ninjas sleeping?"

And then the Lead Ninja noticed a guy.  A guy wearing a trenchcoat.  A guy
pointing a gun straight at his head.

And before he could throw a shuriken or katana at the guy he felt a
hurricane of bullets baptize him.

Leader Ninja Guy slumped towards the ground.  "No.  Can't Die.  Not yet.
Just One.  Just One Picnic.  Ninja Picnic.  All I wanted."  His finger
lightly touched one of the Ninja Grass Blades.  And then he died.

The guy with the trenchcoat stepped onto the elevator.  "Going down."  And
then he threw a lit cigarette out of it as the elevator's doors closeed.
What followed was a horrific explosion.  Ninja Nirvana was going up in a
huge ball of fire.  All the ninja picnic baskets and ninja golf carts.
Everything.  Consumed in Fire.  The elevator door closed.

The guy with the trenchcoat lit another cigarette.

"You know.  I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here."  Bad-Timing Boy
made a coughing sound.

"For God's Sake, BTB!  Just leave it!  Just leave it!"  Master Roster Man
said closing his eyes and whispering a prayer.

"So.  Anyone here seen any good movies?"  Bad-Timing Boy said trying to
change the subject.

"Look.  I'm a guy.  I wear a trenchcoat.  And -- I fight ninjas.  I don't do
small talk," said the guy wearing the trenchcoat who fought ninjas.

Bad-Timing Boy thought about that for a bit.  "Hmm.  I don't think I've seen
any of those.  Do any of them have any female nudity?"

And finally, the elevator hit the lobby.  Ripping Dancer sighed with relief.
Now all she had to do was make a break for it.  And she did.  Unfortunately,
her LNH Bed Sheets wanted to stay where they were.

She was completely naked running through the LNH lobby.  And she was running
very fast.  At least she still had her purse.

"Stop!" Master Roster Man shouted.  "Someone stop that naked fat chick from
leaving!  She -- Umm -- Hmm.  You know -- When I say it like that it kind of
sounds bad.  Maybe --  We should just let this one pass?"

"Yeah.  Probably," Bad-Timing Boy nodded.

"Man," Master Roster Man said to himself, "Why was I going to the lobby
again?  Damn."


The cab was still waiting.  She rushed towards it waving her arms.

The cab driver stared in shock for a bit and then finally spoke.  "Whoahh
there!  Sorry Miss.  No shirt, shoes, or pants.  No service."

"If you don't let me in this cab I will use my mighty taxi destroying powers
on you!" Ripping Dancer said gritting her teeth.

"Well, since you put it that way -- Hop right in!  Where to?"

"A clothing store!  Any clothing store that's open!!"

Ripping Dancer buried her head in her arms.  She wanted to die.  God, this
was humiliating.


A day later --

A fully clothed Ripping Dancer walked through the streets of Net.ropolis.
She was strolling through the Secret Hideout District.  She stopped right
next to a door being guarded by some Japanese guy wearing a cowboy hat and a
shirt with an American Flag on it.

"American Comics are So Kewl!" she told the man.  The man nodded and opened
the door for her.

She went into an empty room.  A TV and a DVD player were the only things in
the room.  She turned the TV on.

A mysterious shadowy figure appeared on the screen.  <<Welcome back, Tara.
I'd be interested to hear what you were doing last night.>>

"I -- uh -- Could we talk about something else?"

<<Apparently, you were running around the LNHQ lobby naked?  Is that right?
You weren't even supposed to be at the LNHQ last night.  You were supposed
to be here!  Telling me everything you've learned!  I believe I'm correct,

"I'm sorry.  Please.  I don't know why I was there.  That place.  It does
things to your mind.  It makes you do absurd stupid things.  I don't know.
I can't explain what happened last night.  It won't happen again!"

<<Of course it won't.  Now tell me about your week with the LNH.  Was it

"I -- uh.  I guess so."

<<How do your teammates find you?>>

"They seem to be okay with me.  The guys really seem to like me (for obvious
reasons).  The girls well -- I think they're a bit jealous.  The strange
thing is that a lot of people seem to think I remind them of someone.  And
not some former teammate or anything like that.  I remind them of some girl
who doesn't exist, or some girl who only exists in dreams.  Do you
understand that?"

<<Yes.  I understand.  I've had dreams of this girl too.  So many dreams.
Dreams that haunt me.  Dreams of a cat girl.  A perfect beautiful cat

"Who is she?"

<<I don't know.  Perhaps just a dream.  Perhaps someone who was retconned
out of existence.  But she is why I've done what I've done to you.  You see
-- I tried to create her.  Or re-create her.  I tried genetic lifeforms.  I
tried robots.  But it wasn't her.  They were all flawed.  I realized after
awhile that I couldn't create her.  What made her special was beyond my
grasp.  But still.  I saw a connection between her and the LNH.  Who ever
she was she had once played an important role in the LNH.  And when she
vanished a void was created.  A void that I want you to fill.  Know this,
even at your most beautiful you are a pale shadow to this cat girl.  You can
never be her.  She was unattainable.  Not even the Gods could control her.
And even though they tried to erase her from this world's memory, even they
could not completely erase her.>>

"What am I supposed to do?"

<<You will become a part of the LNH.  You will befriend them.  You will
seduce them.  Tempt them.  You will wrap them around your fingers.  And then
when they have completely fallen for you, you will rip their hearts out.>>

"I -- I can't do that.  I..."

<<Or course you can.  I want you to seduce someone who's in a leadership
position.  Ideally, it would be nice if you could seduce the Ultimate Ninja.
But I know him too well.  He's beyond the grasp of Love.  The only
girlfriend he needs is the Peril Room.  No.  Do you know who Fearless Leader

"Yes.  He's kind of cute, but..."

<<I think he's vulnerable.  I feel an emptiness within him.  Even after all
these years as a member he's a stranger to them.  He feels out of place.  He
resents the fact that he's not leader of the LNH.  And in a way he resents
the LNH for not making him leader.  He hides this by putting himself fully
into his work.  But his world is dead.  And he's alone in this world.  You
won't seduce him at first.  You'll just befriend him.  You'll be the
inexperienced hero that needs guidance and some training from a more
experienced hero.  You'll have lunch together.  You'll laugh at his jokes.
And you'll be good friends.  And then you'll be very good friends.  And then
one thing will lead to another.>>

"I don't think I can do this.  Please..."

<<Of course you will.  That being said, you will not fall in love with him.
You are not allowed to fall in love with anyone.  Or have sex with anyone.
You will be unattainable to all.>>

"You've got to be kidding!  You can't tell me not to fall in love or have
sex!!  You just can't do that!"

<<But I can.  And you will.  Because you need me more than I need you.  I
picked you for many reasons.  And one of those was that you've never had sex
or a relationship with anyone.  You need to be pure and unattainable.
That's the only way this will work.  I know you have a desire to have sex
with someone, but believe me -- sex is overrated.  Sex is nothing compared
to Power.  And that's what I'm offering you.  And you know what it felt like
when you were beautiful for that short time.  You know that people treated
you differently.  You weren't invisible anymore.  And you liked that
feeling.  You liked the feeling of being desired by people.  Envied by
people.  Sex is nothing compared to that.  There is no good or evil, Tara.
There are only those that have power, and those that want power.  There is
nothing else.>>

"All I wanted was to be above average in looks."  She turned her head
slightly away.  "I didn't want to be a Goddess."

<<You have no choice in that respect.  I don't need an above average looking
girl.  I need a Goddess.>>

"I won't do this."

<<You won't?  Really.  I guess you'll do the heroic thing then.  Tell me to
go to Hell.  I'll of course find someone else to take your place and you'll
go back to being that fat, ugly girl that no wanted to date.  No one wanted
to love.  You'll most likely die all alone, but I'm sure knowing that you've
achieved some great moral victory you'll be able to take that with your chin
up.  And the LNH will probably be destroyed anyway.  I'm sure it will all be
worth it.  Well, goodbye then.>>

"No, Please!  Don't -- I don't want to be this way!  I want to be beautiful!
Please!  I need those potions!  I'll do..."

<<You'll do anything that I say.>>

"I'll do anything you say.  Please!"

<<Then you'll be beautiful.  A Goddess.  Yes, beautiful.  You will dazzle
the LNH blind with your beauty as you lead them off the cliff.>>


<<But never -- Never as beautiful as my Dream Cat Girl.  No.  Because my
Dream Cat Girl, Ah -- she would have told me to go to Hell.  She would have
rather died all alone ugly and undesired than sell her soul.  I suppose it's
just as well she doesn't exist.  That type of girl?  Just a little too
dangerous for a morally complex world like ours.>>


And Ripping Dancer gazed at herself in the mirror.

She was back at the LNHQ and she was just looking at herself.

She touched the mirror.

God, she was beautiful.  Everything about her was perfect.

So beautiful.  She should be happy.

So why wasn't she?  Why wasn't she happy?

She turned her head away from the mirror.


Fred created by Ken Schmidt (Public Domain)
Ultimate Ninja, Cannon Fodder, and Self-Righteous Preacher created by wReam
(Usable Without Permission)
Master Blaster created by Rob Ramirez and Martin Phipps (Usable Without
Sarcastic Lad created by the Saint (Usable Without Permission)
Frat Boy created by uplink (Usable Without Permission)
Kid Anarky created by Stephane Savoie (Cameo)
Master Roster Man created by Jef Kolodziej (Cameo)
WikiBoy created by Tom Russell (I actually got his permission)
Catalyst Lass created by Elisabeth Anne Riba (Usable Without Permission)
Fuzzy created by Connie Hirsch (Usable Without Permission)
Bad Timing Boy created by Vernon H Harmon (Usable Without Permission)
Move-Del created by Orion McMurry (Cameo)
Mysterious Shadowy Figure may have been created by Craig Thomas Judd
The Cat Girl that lives on in dreams created by Hubert Bartles (Retconned)
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad (Public Domain)

NAME:  Ripping Dancer
  CREATED BY:  Arthur Spitzer (arspitzer at earthlink.net)
  TYPE:  Usable Without Permission (With conditions)
You can't kill her, make her pregnant, let her have sex, you can't reveal
her secret life (And all those Omniscience Characters that read roster
entries and archives and so on are clueless too.  Or too busy with other
things to spoil the secret).  But if you can avoid doing all of those things
then you can use her if you want.
  POWERS:  She can rip anything.  Paper, Steel, Bodies, Minds, Time, Space.
But she has to be dancing in order to do it.  When the potion that gives her
her powers runs out she returns to being an ordinary person.
  ADD NOTES:  Working for some mysterious shadowy figure who may be Manga
Man.  She gets 7 potions a week.  Each potion gives her powers and beauty
for 24 hours.  She's not evil just someone who's made a deal with the devil.
  APPEARANCE:  When she has her powers all the clothes she wears appear to
be ripped up.  When she's beautiful she tends to wear skimpy revealing
clothes.  When she's not she tends to cover herself up.  She's fat and
unattractive when the potion's power has run out.  When the potion is
working any heterosexual male, bisexual, lesbian should be incredibly
attracted to her to the point where they have a hard time thinking about
other things besides wanting her.
  ENEMIES:  Probably Self-Righteous Preacher

Writer's Notes:  Okay.  When I started this story I was attempting to create
a Panta ripoff and somewhere along the line I decided that wasn't a good
idea.  The girl here had many names Ripoffa, Ripoffarella, Ripperella,
Ripoff Dancer, (I even thought about making her a Very Disturbed Scary
Creature Man villain that joined the LNH -- Very Sensual Erotic Creature
Woman -- she wears erotic animals like pussies, beavers, and so on -- I'm
sure Tom Russell would have loved her).

I finally decided on Ripping Dancer, which I don't like the name of (but oh
well).  Looking at this story perhaps I was more interested in making a
Lurking Lass ripoff than a Panta ripoff.  (Lurking Lass the evil clone that
took Lurking Girl's place for a bit and seduced Rebel Yell -- See 'Lurk of
Faith').  She's not Lurking Lass though any more than she's Panta.  She's
her own character.  She's not evil just someone who's made a deal with the
devil.  Who knows how her story will end.  Will she redeem herself, or
slowly destroy herself?

And I'm sure if I want Fearless Leader to fall hopelessly in love with her
I'll probably have to write that story myself.

Is she the Ultimate Sex Symbol like Panta was?  Well that's for other LNH
writer's to decide.

Arthur "Sexier than Skunk Girl though" Spitzer


And Now... A Back-up Story by Tom Russell...

A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120.  Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many...

    ~ Cat-girl of my dreams! ~
starring Pants Rabbit Lad and

NOTE: This story has been altered from its original
form due to the events of TALES OF THE LNH # 370.

   Pants Rabbit Lad scratched himself as he watched
his fellow legionnaire, , leap across the rooftop.
twitched with interest as  called back to him.  ","
said.  "!"
   Pants Rabbit Lad nodded and took a deep breath
before he ran up to the edge of the building and
prepared to leap to the other side.  He stopped short,
feeling dizzy.
   "," said .
   "I'm scared," said Pants Rabbit Lad.  "What if I
   ". ."
   "You'll catch me?"
   ".  ."
   "You promise?"
   "!" said the .  "!  !"
   "Okay.  Here goes nothing..."
   Pants Rabbit Lad backtracked and then ran towards
the edge of the building, making a prodigious leap
that surprised even himself.  He stretched out his
flailing limbs, reaching for .



Pants Rabbit Lad: Tom Russell.
 : Hubert Bartles.


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