[LNH] Onion Lad #7

martinphipps2 at yahoo.com martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Thu May 4 21:36:02 PDT 2006

cabbagewielder at yahoo.com wrote:

> 	Vel leapt from the table to chase after him.  Seductress got up from
> her chair.   Vel put his arm around her to stop from moving too quickly
> in her condition.  (See: Vel #15)

Hmm.  Citations don't take the place of exposition.  It seems Tom was
right when he accused you of expecting readers to have read your
previous stories.  Or perhaps readers are expected to open another
window and use the cited stories as references.  Would it really slow
down the story so much to mention that Seductress was pregnant?

> 	Onion Lad's eyes transfixed on the center of the room.   There was
> impression in the rug wear the salad bar had been ages ago.   In its
> place was an arcade machine.

Hynonyms.  Watch out for hynonyms.  Spell checkers won't catch them.
That's all I'm going to say. :)

> 	"Because this whole thing has been a set up from the start!" Onion
> Lad said.

Yeah, you get the feeling that this is all a set up for something big.


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