[LNH] Killfile Wars #1
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Thu May 4 17:51:56 PDT 2006
Doctor Crompton entered the morgue. A man in his early twenties was
lying naked on the table. It was Jackson Forge a former Regal 13
operative. Crompton turned on the overhead lamp and grabbed his
medical bag. Then he pushed a button on the table.
"The subject is one Jackson Forge. Super powered subject...
approximate time of death 6:28 PM last night. Nearly twelve hours have
passed since the time of death..." he said as he grabbed his scalpel.
"Apparent cause of death... some kind of plasma burn. Only a full
autopsy will let us know for sure."
There was a loud bubbling sound as the corpse began to melt.
Jackson's face turned mildly gray. The body reformed as a young
woman. She gently coughed. She hoisted her off the table.
"Uh... I expected to end up this way tonight... but not with you
Doc," she said.
"What the hell?" Crompton said.
Killfile Wars #1 of 6
By Jesse N. Willey
Three weeks had past since the Killfiles attacked the LNH. A few
weeks since the whole thing with the Inhilators. The work crews were
finally finishing all the building repairs. Various LNHers wandered
out of the building on R and R activities.
Frat Boy, Sister State the Obvious and Master Blaster set up a picnic
in the nearby park. Sister State the Obvious pulled sandwiches and
chips out from her picnic basket. Frat Boy pulled out a huge cooler.
Master Blaster noticed an endless supply of beers.
"Alright, M.B., you know this means, right?" he said.
"Uh... no?" Master Blaster said.
"Belching contest. First to Z wins," he said.
"Oh that is so unfair," Master Blaster said.
"Belching contests are covered by Frat based powers," said Sister
State the Obvious.
Frat Boy grinned.
"Alright fine," said Master Blaster.
"A B C D E F G H I - urp..." Frat Boy belched. "Damn it."
That was when they heard the explosions.
Screw You Over Lad stared at the Florist Shop through his binoculars.
He saw Dalton enter the store. He chatted with the clerk and then
followed him somewhere. Screw You Over Lad slowly sneaked into the
"Damn it... why'd it have to be him? Why couldn't I deal with
that twit Deja Dude or that stupid dorf," he muttered. "But no...
I have to deal with the nutcase. Damn you Deliah...."
He turned into a globe and flew through the ground under the building.
He found a small lab. He scouted around. He blasted some nearby
lab equipment. He didn't notice the leaking gas canister.
Dalton walked into Rod's Florist Shop and walked up to the desk.
He smiled at the clerk who returned the gesture. Dalton made a
strange face while staring at a bouquet. The clerk stared back at
"Do you have any sunflowers?" he said.
"No. Perhaps you can try Lyman's Garden supply across the
street," the clerk said.
"Perhaps you could check downstairs," he said.
"Alright, come with me," the clerk said.
The clerk left the counter and Dalton followed him down a small
staircase. At the end of the staircase was a wooden door.
"You guys owe for the incident in Montreal back in ninety eight. I
have a blood sample I want you to test-" he said.
The room was filled with the smell of ash. The remains were moist,
as the sprinklers had taken care of it. Other than that, the only
thing in the room was a glowing sphere.
"Mister Asters... we meet again," the sphere said.
"Crap muffins in a can!" Dalton shouted.
Onion Lad was pushing an infant on the swing. She was
laughing hysterically. Peelix was sitting on the other swing.
His furry feet ruffled against the woodchips beneath him.
"So... where did this girl come from again?" Peelix said.
"Her name is Sylvia..." Onion Lad said. "And no one really
knows... she was just dropped of at some church run orphanage the other
"And we're taking care of her why... exactly?" the cat asked.
"Two reasons... a few days after she showed up at the orphanage it
was destroyed by super villains... and the LNH has a community outreach
program," Onion Lad said.
"Which the Ninjas just happened to put you in charge of, right?"
"They said it was a promotion," Onion Lad said.
"Yeah... to where you can do the least harm. You do a better job
with this than you did with that meatloaf the other night," Peelix
"What you don't like chocolate?" Onion Lad said.
"Not on meatloaf."
Peelix leapt off the swing nervously and landed on the ground. There
was a loud splash. Sylvia giggled. That is when they heard the
Electra hated being on the phone. She hated a lot of things but being
on the phone was definitely on the top ten list. Her only joy was
knowing that it wasn't some salesmen or a five hour costumer service
"Are you sure this a good idea?" Electra said.
"Not really," said the voice on the other end. "But while the
Killfiles are still out there what choice do we have? Strength in
numbers after all."
"I always heard don't put all your eggs in one basket," Electra
"This won't be like the last time you were on a team," the voice
"Why not? You're still going to be there, right?" Electra
"Yes, but so is he..." the voice said.
"Yeah... in your bed. Always the way isn't it," Electra said.
"What about that guy you were hanging with?" the voice said.
"Who?" Electra asked.
"Whathisname," the voice said.
"Dalton? He's a just a cook."
"You went of out your way to rescue him."
"So? I can't do good things without any motivation from time to
time? Do you really think I'm that self-centered that I'm
incapable of doing something without an ulterior motive?" she said.
"I know you."
"No, Carolyn.... You don't."
The globe took its human form. Screw You Over Lad's eyes filled
with rage. His hands began to glow. Dalton calmed himself. The
shopkeeper stayed behind him.
"Hiya, Lazzie.... How's it going?" Dalton said. "Torture
anyone new lately."
"Your glib attitude doesn't fool me, Asters. You're scared
crapless," said Screw You Over Lad. "You killed me once... only
because you got lucky."
"Look, Laz... I'm not here to bother you. I'm just looking for
information. Personal stuff," Dalton said.
"You won't mind if I take the research they stole from my
father..." Screw You Over Lad said.
"What research?" Dalton said.
"The research into nanotech..." he said.
Dalton sidekicked Lazlo in the stomach. A PDA fell from Screw You
Over Lad's pocket. Dalton grabbed for it. His eyes went blank and
fell to the ground. Screw You Over Lad grabbed the PDA and turned
back into a globe and floated out of the building. Seconds later, he
brought the building down.
Ultimate Ninja entered the cafeteria. Cheesecake Eater Lad wasn't
there- he was helping out in the park but the carousel still had food
spinning around on it. Most of it was left over from lunch. He reached
for a metal tray with his one hand. He heard a pin drop. He turned.
A glowing globe was floating toward him.
"Sorry we haven't been properly introduced. My name is Deliah
Killfile," the globe said. "And this your lucky day."
The globe blasted Ultimate Ninja with over three thousand volts of
electricity. He struggled to stand up. He dropped the tray. If he
had his other hand, he could have used it to reflect the blast or one
of a hundred different distractions. But he didn't.
"W-wha-what's so lucky about it?" he asked.
The globe took a human shape. Ultimate Ninja was writhing in pain
and fell to the ground. She grabbed his katana and pulled it from its
sheath. He tried to get up. She blasted him with her other hand.
The ninja merely wobbled. Deliah made a delicate 'Y' incision
across the Ninja's chest. She flesh was spattered with blood as
she tore his lungs from his body.
"You don't need those handicap tags on your car anymore," she
She transformed back into an energy globe and blasted the oven. There
was huge explosion. Flames quickly consumed the cafeteria. The
globe flew away from the room.
"This is an automated warning. Captain Cleanup please report to the
cafeteria. Repeat! Captain Cleanup please report to the
cafeteria," said the computer.
Sister State the Obvious, Master Blaster and Frat Boy returned to LNH
HQ. The lights were dimmed and flight thingees were flying into the
hangar bay. People were rushing in from all over.
"I don't get it Frat Boy...You're involved with this
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter thing because?" Master Blaster
"Because Weiner Boy is his..." Sister State the Obvious said.
"Right... you're not... are you."
"No," said Frat Boy. "Of course not.... I got a date with
Sludge Girl tonight."
They entered the courtyard. Firefighters and an ambulance were at the
front door. Fred was standing outside. His face betrayed a
"What happened? What's going on?" Master Blaster asked.
"I-I think somebody died!" said Sister State the Obvious.
To Be Continued...
Master Blaster created by Martin Phipps. Sister State the Obvious and
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam. Peelix , Deliah Killfile, Electra
and Carolyn Forge created by Tom Russell Jnr. Reserved by Jesse N.
Willey. Elaine Forge created by Tom Russell Jnr. Onion Lad created
by Tom Russell Jnr. and Dane Martin. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey.
Crompton, Sylvia, Dalton and Screw You Over Lad created by Jesse N.
Willey. Frat Boy created by uplink. Fred is public domain.
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