[LNH] Onion Lad #7
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Thu May 4 17:33:33 PDT 2006
"I was an idiot. I didn't think he'd follow me into a crowded
shopping mall. What a mistake that was. I put hundreds of people
in danger. What would my old partner think? He'd probably say
something like 'Weiner Boy, what were you thinking?' then take my
keys to the car and send me to my room without any supper. That's
just the way he is. It's part of why we don't work together
"I ran pass a crowd of six elderly women out on their afternoon
stroll. They were moving at about one step an hour. They didn't see
the large energy globe behind me. I shoved them to the ground and
they yelled at me. The drowning cacophony of their voices was
replaced by the floor bellow us crumbling. The damned globe had
turned the pillar into I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. I remember
trying to position our fall so that we'd land softly on some benches.
But that didn't quite work out. Next thing I know... I woke up
Onion Lad's eyes stared at Weiner Boy in confusion. Teryaki Chick
was taking notes down on a pad of paper. Her eyes looked back up at
"That's very good Weiner Boy... but you didn't exactly tell us
why Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter was chasing you,"
Teryaki Chick said.
"Yeah... or how ten minutes later we were able to capture four petty
thieves and two litterbugs," Onion Lad replied.
"I have a mild concussion. Parts of the day are still blurry,"
Weiner Boy said.
"So what else do you remember?" asked Onion Lad.
"A license plate," Weiner Boy said. "with a vanity plate that
"Can you spell that please?" Onion Lad said.
"No need, come on, let's go," Teryaki Chick said.
She raced to the door and Onion Lad struggled to keep up. He huffed
and puffed before reaching in his pocket and began to use his inhaler.
"Wait... don't you think we should go get Peelix?" he said.
Onion Lad #7
The Hot Dogs of War 1 of 2
One with Noir and a Side of Relish
A Killfile Wars Tie-In
By Jesse N. Willey
The parking lot smelled of rats and urine. A large dumpster had been
tipped over. The building was a two-story strip mall that was
probably forty years old. Two metal staircases were off on either off
the building. The Teryakimobile was paralleled parked fifty feet away
from the building under the red neon sign that read ICUP.
"Look at those dumpsters. The homeless people have built themselves
duplex housing," Onion Lad said.
"Quiet!" she said.
"Fine... fine..." Onion Lad said. "What's with the funny
"If you're there in the day time you'll see that it reads
International Cuisine Under Plumbing," she said.
"Huh?" Onion Lad said.
"Manager owns two businesses. He thought cross advertising would
help bring in more costumers. Not an entirely uncommon practice,"
"Yeah, but international cuisine and plumbing? And what's up
with the 'under plumbing?'" he said.
He stared the strip mall face on. The sign over the story front in
the dead center of the building on the bottom floor were the words
'International Cuisine'. The store front directly on top of it
"Oh..." he continued. "So what are we here for? Cuisine or
"Plumbing," she said. "It's the only one that uses the
"Aw... and I'm so hungry."
"The egg rolls are to die for."
"That good?" he said.
"No... they'll just kill you," she said.
They made their way up the stairs. Halfway up Onion Lad paused.
"How do you know about this place anyway? It's sort of out of the
way," he said.
The inside of the plumbing office was splattered red. The clerk was
bent over and unconscious on the counter. Teryaki Chick rushed
immediately to his aid. She avoided the thick blood and a small pile
of vomit. Onion Lad sniffed the floor and then reached down in the red
liquid. He slowly and delicately licked the liquid off his finger.
"That's disgusting," she said. "Call 911! This man is covered
"Actually, that's ketchup. Jerry's Red Tomato. Produced at
the Great Food's Factory down near Port Fourteen in the harbor,"
Onion Lad said. "Fresh too. The cheap stuff dries and hardens
She stared at Onion Lad for a minute.
"You know that just from the taste," she said.
"They didn't put me on this team for my good looks."
"And if that's just ketchup, why isn't he conscious?" she
He stared down at the vomit.
"An important clue..." he said. "Go get your forensics kit from
the car. I think you'll find that it's a Jerry's Brand Hot Dog.
Probably Non-Kosher. May or may not contain traces of Jerry's
Brand Cheese Dip and Jerry's Chili. All produced at the Port
Fourteen Facility," Onion Lad said.
"The Great Foods Company must have a bad reputation," she said.
"Oh... their reputation is rock solid," he said. "Botulism
cells love them."
"We'd better call 911," she said.
"Already done," he said.
Frat Boy walked into medical bay. He walked past various patients
till he came to a bed in the corner of the room. Weiner Boy was
getting up and getting ready to go.
"Hey... long time no see," Frat Boy said. "It looks like you
just won a Camilla look a like contest."
"Yeah," Weiner Boy said.
"I haven't seen you since..." Frat Boy said.
"Last month. Sergio's party," Weiner Boy said.
"Right. So... Hot Dog Man doesn't know yet... does he?" Frat
"Oh... he knows. It's... why we aren't working together,"
Weiner Boy replied.
"Yeah, but with a codename like Weiner Boy... you'd think it'd
be sort of obvious," Frat Boy said. "Look... I didn't come down
here to talk about old times. I just got a call from Onion Lad and
Teryaki Chick. A clerk from the International Cuisine Under Plumbing
was found poisoned... using Jerry's Hot Dogs. Does this mean
anything to you?"
"Either the man doesn't know better than to eat Hot Dogs from
street vendors, movie theaters or his own little dive... which I
doubt... or..." Weiner Boy said.
"Or what?" Frat Boy asked.
"Or you're looking for Hot Dog Man," Weiner Boy said.
The room was dark but Teryaki Chick waited at the clerk's bedside.
Hours had passed since they pumped his stomach. Onion Lad had gone
home. He had babysitting duty in the morning. Some girl they
rescued from the orphanage. (See: LNH Vol. 2 #13)
"Probably the only good thing about not being a member of the LNH is
that you aren't at Ultimate Ninja's beck and call," she
The clerk slowly opened his eyes. Teryaki Chick reached into her
belt and pulled out her blaster. The man shook before making a soft
"Alright, Ben, where is it?" she said.
"Where's what?" he said.
"Whatever you were selling to Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter?" she asked. She cocked the gun
and prepared to pull the trigger. "Ten seconds."
"I-I wasn't selling this time, honest," Ben replied. "I was
"The secret of transmutative technology. From inorganic to organic.
The capability to turn things like Styrofoam and cement into food,"
Ben said. "Of course it can do people and animals too."
"You're lying. You would have needed money. The police have been
over your car half a dozen times now. If it was there, they would
have found it," She shouted.
"Someone took it..." Ben said.
"Who?" she said.
There was a loud tip tap tip tap sound behind her. She turned around
to see a man in a pair of faded blue scrubs. He was aiming a gun at
her. He quickly fired. Her body was covered in sticky ketchup. He
turned the nozzle again and spritzed her with something else. The
"I did..." said the doctor.
"Doctor Lane..." she whispered.
"Not Doctor Lane... the name is Hot Dog Man..."
Peelix, Vel, Seductress and Onion Lad sat around the table. Cans of
soda were stack around the room. Onion Lad arranged his empty bottles
of Yoo-hoo chocolate drink bottles into a pyramid shape.
"I'm out," Seductress said.
"You lasted longer than I did," Vel responded.
"All right, Cracker Jack... show me your cards," Peelix shouted.
"Uh... I got two kings, a two, a four and the instructions," Onion
"I can top that. Five kings," Peelix said.
"Five kings? There is something fishy going on here..." Onion Lad
"Yeah... I had two kings too..." said Seductress.
"Heh heh..." Peelix said as the shoved all the poker chips into
his cartoon top hat and ran off leaving a trail of dust in his wake.
"Get him!" Seductress said.
Vel leapt from the table to chase after him. Seductress got up from
her chair. Vel put his arm around her to stop from moving too quickly
in her condition. (See: Vel #15)
"I'm going to cafeteria. Go get me up if you guys actually start
another game," she said. "Need anything?"
There was a buzz from Onion Lad's pockets. He didn't know how he
got on Ultimate Ninja's list of people receiving the upgraded
communication devices from Varnoff/Henkerton technologies but he loved
it. The little doohickey was great. It could do everything that a
scan thingee and communicator could do so there was less stuff to
loose. Plus it fit in his wallet.
"If only I could stop losing my wallet," he whispered. He
fumbled around in his pockets and pulled out the communication device.
He pushed some buttons. "Onion Lad here."
Teryaki Chick filled the screen.
"Go... headquarters.... Hot Dog Man..." she said.
"Are you okay?"
"Will be... in car on way... just go..."
Teryaki Chick found herself encased in hardened ketchup. With a
series of quick thrusts she was able to get rid of any globs that
inhibited movement but little flecks of red clung to her unform. She
reached for her Teryakiblaster and fired randomly. She hit Hot Dog Man
square in the chest. He went rolling backward. She grabbed Ben and
raced for the window.
Hot Dog Man grabbed for a gun of his own and blasted the floor, which
turned into pickle relish. His eyes twinkled. Teryaki Chick punched
the glass window and shattered it. She reached down and pressed on
her belt buckle. Hot Dog Man released a burst of energy from his gun
that hit Ben in the head.
"Why is he doing this," she thought as she leapt through the
window. "On second thought, I doubt I'd like the answer."
Staring at the building again almost made Weiner Boy feel like he had
been looking at it for the first time. After all these years, the
statue of the fat kid in the red and white checkerboard coveralls still
stood in front of the doorway in spite of the fact that his original
function there hadn't been necessary. His corporate master had long
since abandoned him.
He could almost hear Hot Dog Man's speech from that night.
"Most people consider Net.tropolis an ugly city. From a purely
architectural standpoint it is. It shifts style and pattern like a
patchwork quilt. Some have buildings and billboards crammed together
like Times Square on steroids. It has a large number of harbors with
everything from industrial plants like one would find in Jersey City to
an aquarium and a shopping center that looks like one large food court
like Baltimore. Further into the city there is open space, gardens
filled with art and museums. Monuments for many of the city's many
fallen super heroes are spread around in an attempt to appear like the
nicer areas of Washington D.C. The cityscape is constantly playing
'keeping up with the Joneses'. Though why any city planer would
go out of their way to intentionally make it look like Jersey City or
Baltimore is beyond the understanding of mortal kin," Hot Dog Man
The wind blew softly against Weiner Boy's face.
"What's so bad about Baltimore," Weiner Boy asked to thin air.
"Are you feeling alright?" Onion Lad said.
"Come on, Onion Lad... you and I can go on ahead. Give him a
chance to think," Frat Boy said.
Frat Boy and Onion Lad walked up to the statue and picked its nose.
The doors swung open. Onion Lad leapt back.
"Gaah!" Onion Lad said.
"What's got you so spooked?" Frat Boy asked.
"Nothing... I... uh... just noticed the resemblance between Big Boy
and Muffler Man," Onion Lad responded.
Weiner Boy stood listening to the wind as Frat Boy and Onion Lad went
"Now the historic district is just about the only area left that
comes even close to resembling the architect's original plans. It
is here that the places of power are located. Legion of Net. Heroes
Headquarters is but one of many such sites. There are others. The
first church ever built in the city. It's been claimed by many
religions since pre-colonial days. In 1956 it became a Big Boy
restaurant. During the chain's near collapse in the early 1990's
it actually lay abandoned. Even the occult community had forgotten
what this building really was. Then I took it over. Well, you know
how things went from there..." Hot Dog Man said. "To think...
the same place where you went to eat Friday night was once holy ground
for thousands of years."
The doors led into what had been the lobby of the Big Boy. It was
now a security checkpoint that was, for the moment, not giving them any
trouble. They passed the main entrance and into the headquarters
itself. There was a small area filled with communications equipment
and various computers. It was a lot less sophisticated than LNH
"Whoah, most of the equipment was more A-Team than A-List," Frat
Onion Lad's eyes transfixed on the center of the room. There was
impression in the rug wear the salad bar had been ages ago. In its
place was an arcade machine.
"Is that... is that..." Onion Lad said. "Burgertime?"
"I know I wouldn't ordinarily say this but, we'll have time to
knock Hot Dog Man's name off the top score list later. We have to
figure out what's going on here," Frat Boy said. "All the
important equipment is in the old kitchen."
"And you know this how?" Onion Lad said with a cough.
"I just do... okay?"
The walked into the kitchen. The first thing they spotted was a PC.
It was splattered with red liquid. Onion Lad began sniffing the
"That's a whole lot of ketchup," Frat Boy said.
"That's not ketchup."
"It doesn't look like Hot Dog Man to me either," Frat Boy said.
"It looks like a club owner I know - a guy named Sergio."
"Funny... I think I saw his picture at the post office," Onion Lad
"Sergio... here... that makes no sense," Frat Boy said.
The doors opened behind them.
"No-it's the missing piece of the puzzle," said Weiner Boy.
Doctor Stomper and his associate, a chubby looking Dorf were rushing
to the aid of Ben the Clerk. The two doctors were running through the
"Heart beat and BP are stable," the dorf said.
"Breathing is normal... brain functions are nominal," said
"Comatose?" the Dorf said.
"Doctor Ja'Khaleem, you wouldn't happen to know any treatments
that..." Stomper said.
"Not that would work on a human. You would be just as like fry his
brain as save it. It is all up to Shoulbi now," Ja'Khaleem said.
"What in God's name... This is impossible. Look at the
cerebellum. Is... is that a corndog?" Stomper coughed.
"Looks like it to me," Ja'Khaleem said. "But I've only seen
them at the food markets on Haven."
Onion Lad burst into to medical bay with Frat Boy and Weiner Boy close
behind. Stomper ran his medical scanner over Ben. His eyes widened.
"Teri!" he shouted. "We need to know where Hot Dog Man is...
"Why?" she asked.
"Because this whole thing has been a set up from the start!" Onion
"Huh?" Teri said.
"Charles, what are you talking about?" Teri said.
"You're fine now... right?" Onion Lad said.
"Look. It's simple. Well... it was simple as soon as they
explained it to me on the way here," he said. "But I filled in
some stuff on my own. We need to find Hot Dog Man. We have to stop
"I have no clue," Teryaki Chick said.
"Fine... I'll run patrols for a while. We'll call you if
anything turns up," Weiner Boy said. "We have to stop him before
he kills again."
To Be Continued....
Follow Onion Lad and Peelix into the pages of Killfile Wars #1.
Also features Ultimate Ninja, Master Blaster, Frat Boy, Fred and a
cast of thousands. Witness Vel and Seductress's plight in Vel #15.
Weiner Boy, Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter and Hot Dog Man
created by Dane Martin. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr. and
Dane Martin. Teryaki Chick and Vel created by Jesse N. Willey. They
are reserved and usable with permission. Frat Boy is public domain.
Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell Jnr. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey.
Seductress created by Martin Phipps. This document copyright
Jesse N. Willey
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