RACCies/LNH: Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies... Again #4

Wed Mar 29 18:58:02 PST 2006

in article 1143599327.234106.157580 at z34g2000cwc.googlegroups.com, Adrian
James McClure at lord_soldeed at yahoo.com wrote on 3/28/06 7:33 PM:
> Author's notes:
> I intended this to be a nice, short, manageable cascade issue but it
> ended up being almost as long as one of my regular issues.  Oh well.
> As Arthur Spitzer hasn't written Saviors of the Net #18, I have no idea
> whether Captain Killfile's death can plausibly be blamed by her mother
> on the LNH or not.  On the other hand, the relatives of dead villains
> are practially required by law to blame their deaths on their enemies.
     Hmm.  I'm not sure I want the name of Captain Killfile's Mother's
name to ever be revealed.
     Funny story though.
     Captain Killfile died in Saviors of the Net #14 I think.  It was the
Mechanical Author (or maybe Marc Singer) that killed her.  The Ultimate
Savior might be a little responsible for her death since he was the one
who used her Killfile Gauntlets to escape from the Mechanical Author
causing her to be burned to a crisp.  I guess you could make a case that
the Saviors were responsible for her death (Dr. Net.ropolis created the
Mechanical Author) and since Nudist Man was a member of the Saviors and
the LNH, I guess you could make a link (if you were insane).
     And now -- how should I deal with your story :)?
     Okay the following was quickly written so it's pretty bad.  But here
it goes...
In a story I'd like to call...
"Quality be damned, Let's see how fast I can write this baby!"
in article 1143599327.234106.157580 at z34g2000cwc.googlegroups.com, Adrian
James McClure at lord_soldeed at yahoo.com wrote on 3/28/06 7:33 PM:
> Elsewhere, the Shadowy Figure cursed at the top of her lungs.  Her
> enemy had found a being capable of defeating her plans.  She had to
> respond in kind.  She had only one ally who could potentially stand up
> to Plot-Error Man:  the damned soul of her own dead son, who like her
> daughter had been killed by legendary heroes of his age.  The
> witch/shadow-creature raised her hands in arcane gestures and chanted,
> "Come forth from the depths of Net.Hell, my son...  COME FORTH,
> GREN.DEL!!!"
     But right as the Gates of Hell started to manifest in the (where ever
the hell they are) another Shadowy Figure screamed, "Liar!  You're not the
real Captain Killfile's Mother!!  I am!!!"
     And she was joined by another Shadowy Figure who shook her head.  "No!!
You're both wrong!!  I'm the Real Captain Killfile's MOM!!!"
     After a little bit, the place started to become very crowded with
shadowy figures who claimed to be Captain Killfile's Mom.
     "There can only be ONE CAPTAIN KILLFILE'S MOM!  Kill these pretenders
who mock my daughter's death, my Son!!"
     GREN.DEL gave a nod and started slaughtering all of the shadowy
figures.  But before he could complete his gruesome chore another shadowy
figure emerged who was even more horrible than either GREN.DEL or his
mother.  It was a beast made of machinery and cold heartless steel.
     The Shadowy Mechanical Beast spoke in a cold inhuman voice.  <<You are
both wrong, Foolish Humans!  For it is I, THE LOONIVERSAL ANSWERING MACHINE
who is Captain Killfile's real mother!!>>  And with that the Looniversal
Answering Machine started blazing bullets at GREN.DEL and his Mom.
     "Please!  I'm just an old lady!" said a frightened old lady.
     "Relax Grandma!" said a grinning punk.  "You just do everything we say, 
and you'll only get a couple of broken fingers!"
     "only a couple?" growled a voice like sandpaper.
     "Who the hell...?"  The two thugs scanned the dark alleyway trying to
find who had made the sound.  And then they saw it.  It was up high in a
corner.  It looked like a million beady eyes shrouded in shadows.  And a
pair of big eyes.  A pair of very disturbed eyes.
     "me?  i'm a bit more generous."  One of the thugs fired a gun in the
direction of the voice.  And then he screamed.  And then they both screamed.
     "in fact -- when i start handing out the presents, i have a hard time
knowing when to quit."  Eventually, after a number of gut-wrenching screams
and bone crackling sounds the costumed figure left the two hoods to check
and see if the elderly woman was all right.
     "Thank the heavens you came when you did young man, I was..." the old
lady started to say with a friendly smile on her face.  But then something
changed her expression.  The smile changed into rage.  "You!  I know you!!
You're the one!!  The one that killed her!!  The one that killed my
daughter!!  My lovely Brunhilda!!"
     And then she started walloping the Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man
with her handbag.  Before he could anything to prevent the old lady more
females started to come into the alleyway and join the beating.  Each one
believing that they were punishing the man who had killed their sweet
innocent Brunhilda.
     <(I have a confession to make.  I need to tell someone about this.)> 
The Hooded Ho`'od Win said in a regretful tone.
     "Oooh!  Is it juicy?" Hell-Catalyst's eyes lighted up.
     <(Please, Cat.  This is very hard for me to talk about.)>
     "Whoops!  Sorry!"
     <(Do you remember 'The Bride of the C'thulhu' Chaotic Add-On Story?)>
     "I think so.  That was the one where I got slime and brimstone in my
hair, right?  I couldn't get it out for weeks!  What an icky Chaotic Add-On
     <(Yes.  There was time-travel involved, also.  I was sent on a mission
to the past.  It was the late sixties.  I met someone.)>
     "Oooh!  Was he cute?"
     <(In a way.  Please, Cat, this is hard for me to talk about.  Believe
me if I had known who he was at the time I would have never had...)>  
HHW stopped and buried her face in her hands.
     Hell-Catalyst gave her friend a comforting hug.  "Please, Hood!  It's
all right.  This is just between you and me."
     <(We had intercourse.  There was no birth control.  I don't know why
I did such a stupid thing, but -- Sometimes, I get so lonely.  It was a
stupid -- stupid -- I was with child.  I had the baby in the past and -- 
and I left it there to be raised by her father!"
     A moment of silence hovered through the air.  Then Hell-Catalyst
finally spoke.  "Who was the father?"
     <(He was -- Doctor Killfile!!  And my baby was -- Brunhilda Killfile!!)>
     "I'm sorry, Hood!  That just can't be!"
     <(And why can't it be?)>
     "Because, Silly!  I'm Captain Killfile's Mother!"
     "I'm afraid we have a big problem, Ultimate Ninja."
     "Thank God.  I was getting bored with small problems," the ninja said
with a sarcastic tone.  "Well?  What is it now, Doctor?"
     Doctor Stomper adjusted his lab-coat.  "I'm afraid there seem to be
thousands of females in Net.ropolis who believe that they're Captain
Killfile's mother.  And the problem is growing!"
     The Ultimate Ninja blinked his eyes and then waited for the punchline.  
And when the punchline didn't come he finally said.  "Oh my God!  You're
serious!  I can't believe you're serious!  This is stupid!  This might be
the stupidest storyline I've ever been a part of and believe me I've been a
part of some really moronic ones!!  Oh Christ!  I guess I might as well ask
it.  What's causing this?"
     "At this point I'm not sure.  It could be a virus.  It could be a mass
hypnotic spell -- Or -- Hell if I know..."
     "Well.  Do we know the range?  Is it just a Net.ropolis problem or are..."
But before the Ultimate Ninja could finish his question he was interrupted
by a com.message from Multi-Tasking Man.
     <<I think you should check out the big monitor screen, UN!>>  The
ninja clicked on the big screen.  And then he saw a face.  A face that he
recognized very well.
     Oh Christ, the Ninja thought to himself, It can't be!  Not now.  Not
at this moment.  The LNH wasn't ready for this.
     <<Ah, Ultimate Ninja.  Yes.  I'm back.  The Crossover Queen has returned!>>
     "What do you want!"  The Ultimate Ninja grabbed the hilt of his katana
     <<Just some people.  People who were responsible for my daughter's
death.  I want you to bring me the Saviors of the Net so they can pay for
the crime of killing my lovely Brunhilda!>>
     "Good grief.  Not you too," the Ultimate Ninja sighed.
     <<You have an hour.  Send them to the Looniversal Class Space Cruiser
that's orbiting your pathetic little orb.  And if you fail to comply I will
start destroying major cities.  And just to show you how completely serious
I am, well -- say goodbye to Espanola!>>
     One moment the City of Espanola was sitting by itself whistling a
happy little tune.  The next moment a Reality Wave came down from the sky.
Several thousand mimes pantomimed horrible agony.  And then the City that
rhymed with Frespanola was no more.
     "Oh, this is starting to get ridiculous!  I mean, Come on!" The
Ultimate Ninja shook his head.  "Destroying millions of people over some
stupid 'Who's Captain Killfile's Mom?' joke?  Have the writers finally
lost their heads?  No one cares who Captain Killfile's Mom is!  This is
     <<You have an hour, Ninja.>>  The Crossover Queen's face disappeared
off the screen.
     The Ultimate Ninja looked at his Ninja Bush.  Sometimes, he thought,
It would be nice to meet the people who wrote these stories.  There were
so many things he would love to do to them.
To be continued?
Who will win?  GREN.DEL or the Looniversal Answering Machine?
What does this have to do with Saxon Brenton?
And Who is Captain Killfile's Mom?  Will we ever find out?
Crossover Queen is Drizzt's I believe
Hell-Catalyst is Jeff McCoskey's
Hooded Ho`'od Win and Ultimate Ninja are wReam's
Dr. Stomper is T.M. Neeck's
Multi-Tasking Man's is Jeff Coleburn's
GREN.DEL and his mother are Adrian James McClure's
Looniversal Answering Machine is Russ Allbery's
Arthur "What have I wrought?" Spitzer 

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