REPOST: LNH: The Saviors of the NET #1
arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Mar 24 17:25:28 PST 2006
I'm going to repost issues of The Saviors of the Net every Friday and
Tuesday. That's assuming no one objects. If you want to send me a revised
and edited version of your story, I'll post that instead. Perhaps by the
time I've posted issue #17 I'll have finished #18.
Here it goes...
The Saviors of the NET #1
If you can imagine every single keyboard in the world typing at once with
your hands attached to them. If you can imagine cans of soda pop
disappearing while speaking obscure languages for no apparent reason to
every single salesman who also speaks an obscure language. If you can
imagine everything, doing it all, and getting paid a not really spectacular
salary at least not what you're worth then you can imagine what it's like to
be in the world of the Multi-Tasking Man.
But can you imagine what's in his mind? A man caught in a web of
technological addiction, forever the lookout of the LNH. A Modern-Day
Cybernetic-Heimdall waiting to blow the horn to signal the End as we know it
or whatever crossover appears first. His aspirations. His dreams. Let us
then for a moment take a journey into his psyche through canyons of output
and streams of input that keep his sanity intact even as he sits on the edge
of infinity holding his bag of fritos as a benevolent all powerful God.
"You know? I bet I'd make a pretty darn good male prostitute. I wonder
what the salary's like?"
Ahem, well, enough of that. Let's get back to the story.
It was a pretty quiet lackluster day. A day that gave you the impression
that Evil had called in sick and was busy chewing jerky while watching
really rotten day time TV. It was one of those days. No Alien Invasions.
No Cosmic Menaces. No Make Money Fast Posts clogging your e-mail. Zip.
Nada. Multi-Tasking Man was doing a routine scan over the Net for trouble,
testing himself for tunnel syndrome, playing Net Trek, making weird cryptic
designs on the dusty screen in front of him, printing out the Starr Report
for Master Blaster who strangely enough was becoming interested in politics,
opening a bottle of New and Improved Mr. Paprika (which was neither new or
improved), and sighing to himself.
There were so many once thriving newsgroups that were now just wastelands of
spham. As he scanned through alt.fan.suicide-squid, it broke Multi-Tasking
Man's heart to see the altar of everyone's favorite manic-depressive hero
being used to sell life insurance. And where was the Order of St. Doomas?
They appeared to have vanished when RACC became moderated. Were they up to
something or simply retired sipping Pine.net Coladas in
alt.sunny.nude.beaches? In the end, MTM decided it didn't really matter.
And finally he returned back to alt.comics.lnh, once home to the Looniverse.
Now just a faint echo of its former glory.
MTM, however, was surprised to see that something new actually was taking
shape that wasn't spham, reposted stories, or the Looniversal Answering
Machine. It appeared that someone was staging a Talk Show live from the
ruins of alt.comics.lnh. And that someone was one of the LNH's older and
more irritating foes: McLaughlin Man. MTM wondered what the icon of yellow
journalism was up to as he focused his attention to the current broadcast.
MTM noticed that seated next to McLaughlin Man appeared to be a masked man
dressed up in a very patriotic red, white, and blue costume. The letters U
and S were boldly displayed in the center of his chest.
"Welcome to a very special edition of McLaughlin Man Today! Right from what
used to be the home of our beloved Looniverse before the LNH for unknown
reasons risked the life of everyone to move us to rec.arts.comics.creative.
Now thanks to the LNH, it's just a rest stop for the scum of the Net."
The Audience started chanting, 'Down with the LNH.'
McLaughlin Man smiled and with a gesture settled them down again.
"But today's show isn't about the failures of the LNH. We don't have enough
time to list even a small percentage of those. No, this show is *about* the
hope for the future. I'd like you to meet today's guest."
"Now I know what you're thinking. But before you start throwing rotten
vegetables at him, I'd like to point out this man is not and has never been
an LNH'r. In fact he's some might say an antithesis to them. I'd like you
to give a hand for the soon to be greatest and purest new Star-Spangled
Americ.net hero: The Ultimate Savior."
A thundering applause shook the newsgroup.
"Thank you. Thank you folks. While I believe it's a bit premature to be
called the greatest, I hope I can do my best to live up to these
expectations in these troubling times. And I hope my teammates can too."
"Yes, that's right. I said teammates. There was once a time when the LNH
was all the Looniverse and the Net needed to be a safe and secure place. I
remember those days well. I was a small kid just hoping some freak accident
would give me powers so that I too could join with great legends like Boy
Lad, Kid Yesterdaze, and Rebel Yell to right wrongs."
"Alas, those days are gone. As is the LNH that used to protect the Net.
Now days with a murderous ninja in charge of the LNH it's often hard to tell
the difference between them and the villains they fight. That's why with a
bit of reluctance, I've created a new force for Truth, Justice, and the
Internet Way. The Saviors of the NET!!"
With that statement, eight other costumed figures joined the Ultimate Savior
on stage. There was a scattered amount of applause from the audience.
There was a dark grim man with several creatures on him hunched in the
shadows. All of them were scary. There was what looked like a fish tank
shaped as a human with tons of fish swimming in the tank. There was a man
with a lava lamp, which changed colors every time you looked at it. There
was a bearded man wearing a rainbow colored cloak and on his back many
colorful arrows. There was a woman with short dark hair, glasses, and white
lab coat. There was a gorilla in a black trenchcoat with a variety of
silver arcane symbols on it. There was a raccoon floating in the air. And
finally an incredibly good looking blonde woman in a blue and white jump
They each had a nametag and their names were as followed:
Very Disturbed Scary Creature Man
The Human Aquarium
The Lava Lamp
The Gothic Gorilla
"But you're skeptical. And why shouldn't you be? What have the heroes ever
done for you? Destroyed your homes and property values. Attracted
Super-Villains with grudges to your neighborhoods. All I can say is that I
hope my team will be the exception to that rule. And as our first act to
show you we mean well, I'm going to ask my team mates to remove their masks
and will also remove mine."
With that statement the nine superheroes tore off the masks on their faces
and threw them to the ground. The audience as if on cue gave another
thunderous applause as the last mask hit the ground.
McLaughlin Man broke in with another dig. "Hell will probably freeze, and
Limbaugh Man will actually be considered funny before we see the Ultimate
Ninja and the LNH do anything similar."
There was some laughter from the audience. And some grumbles that Limbaugh
Man was funny.
"Unlike the LNH, we have no dark secrets to hide. If we're going to ask the
people to believe in us, shouldn't we at least return the same amount of
faith to them?"
"I take it then that you and your team have registered with the government?"
"Of course. It's our duty. We are not above the law."
"Exactly. Well I'm just glad that there's at least one super group out
there that doesn't want to rule the world, unlike some (but enough about the
LNH). Let's talk about you. Why did you decide to do this? And how did
this team form?"
"Well to start off, I'd like to give my real name to those out there that
might not know me. I'm Jesse Cashew. And I'm from the heartland of The
Loonited States, Grassroots Ame.RACC.a."
There were some cheers of 'Go, Grassrooters!! GO!'.
The Ultimate Savior smiled and waved to them. "Getting back to the subject
at hand, as a kid I was pretty average. Average in intelligence. Average
in strength and pretty much everything else. About the only thing I could
do moderately well was dream. But boy could I dream. And I dreamt all the
time, always trying to get better at dreaming. And sometimes I would dream
of worlds. Perfect worlds. And I wondered why couldn't my world be
perfect? In these worlds there would be no cruelty, suffering, or
ignorance. We would all be, not just a select few, superheroes. And all
the jokes in this world would be funny."
"But sometimes, I would despair. Sometimes, I began to believe that this
perfect world would always be just a fantasy. And one day (and a rather
dark gloomy day it was) I was walking back to the orphanage where I had
lived since my Parents had died a very tragic death. I had just come home
from school and was very hungry because some bullies had ganged up on me and
had stolen all of my lunch money. I was basically at the lowest point of my
life and I wondered if there was any point in going on. At about that time
I spotted a glowing object falling from the sky and coming straight at me.
I couldn't step back or duck -- and the object, which turned out to be a
radioactive hula hoop hit me right on the head and opened my mind."
At that point there were some people in the crowd that were going, 'Eww!!
The Ultimate Savior quickly shook his head and said, "I meant opened my mind
in the spiritual sense. Not literally. Getting back to my story, It was at
that moment that I realized my full potential. I could now tap the dreams
and not only that; I could also reach out and grab them bringing them down
to Earth. And also I could see the dreams of others, some of which had my
very same hopes and desires. This "Holy" Hoop from the Heavens gave me
these powers and also a purpose in life. I thought at first about going
straight to Net.ropolis so I could join the LNH, but there was a nagging
feeling inside me that kept me from doing that. And perhaps that nagging
feeling was a good sign. Perhaps."
"Regardless, using my powers, I sought out others with my same dreams who
had powers or impressive abilities so that I could form my own team. A team
not chained down by corruption or apathy. And these fine men and women on
stage next to me were some of the people I found. And that's basically how
the Saviors of the Net came to be."
"Amazing," McLaughlin Man replied, "Do you have any plans on recruiting
more heroes for your team?"
"We'd love to do that. In fact if I could, I'd like to use this time to
tell any prospective heroes how they can join us."
"Be my guest..."
"Thanks. You only need two things to join the Saviors of the Net: The will
and the means to fight the good fight. If you have those qualities, we'd
love to have you. We are not an elitist group like the LNH. Alas, though
we can't offer you much in return. Because our funds are limited if you do
decide to join us it will have to be as a volunteer. All that we can give
you is a room at our headquarters."
"And where is this headquarters?"
The Ultimate Savior spread his hands out and gestured to the surrounding
area. "This dead newsgroup is our headquarters. It seemed somewhat
appropriate as a symbol of what we hope to prevent and also in a way
"Dr. Net.ropolis, The Gothic Gorilla, Retcon RACCoon, and the Lava Lamp have
combined their powers to create a bit of makeshift command center that we
can use until we can manage a more permanent one. They've also been looking
into ways to resurrect interest in this newsgroup so that once again it will
be the interesting place it once was."
"Would you consider adding former LNH members to your team?"
"Yes, I would."
"Really!?" For the first time during the talk show McLaughlin Man had a
ghastly shocked expression on his face although it lasted for only a second.
"Yes. I do believe there are a few honest decent people working for the LNH
that are trying to fight the good fight."
"I think US that you might perhaps be a little too optimistic for your own
good -- but -- Never mind. Let's talk about these items right here."
McLaughlin Man pulled a T-shirt and Coffee Mug from the table next to him.
The shirt and mug both had the same message which read, 'I Just Can't Get
Enough of the Saviors of the NET'."
"Oh those things," an embarrassed smile broke out of the Ultimate Saviors
face. "I guess you're probably right. We should talk about them. Well you
see we're low on funds so Lava Lamp, he's the closest thing we have to a
business manager, thought that maybe by marketing our image on shirts and
mugs -- well -- that we could get money that way. I'm not sure about it
though. There's even been some talk about Saviors of the NET beenie babies
-- but well -- We'll wait and see how the shirts and mugs do."
"Oh, I think you should go for it. And let me tell you folks out there; I
was having some coffee in my new Saviors of the NET coffee mug and.. I'm not
making this up -- The coffee tastes richer for being in the mug. It's true.
If you like coffee, you're going to have to buy this mug. And even if you
don't, it's for a good cause. And these shirts...? How many of you think
that these shirts are the greatest shirts you've ever seen?"
The audience roared their approval. A number of them started chanting, "We
can't get enough of you!!" over and over again.
"Thank you. Thank you very much. All that we ask is..."
But before the Ultimate Savior could finish his sentence, seven new figures
appeared on the scene. One of them was holding a big green card. Another
was carting a ton of junk. The remaining few were a young girl who didn't
seem to be wearing anything except a huge address to her website; a girl
wearing a lot of chains and letters; and a man with shades, a thin mustache,
slicked back hair, a toothpick sticking out of his mouth wearing a green
suit with a lot of dollar bill signs on it and flipping a silver dollar.
The final figure was a rather large disgusting pinkish monstrosity with a
paper crown on its head and an evil smirk on its face.
The first six took out their weapons and started shooting large amounts of
spham at the newsgroup. The seventh stood in the eye of the rising pink
storm and made an announcement.
"This newsgroup is *NOW* under the jurisdiction of the *SPHAM KING*!!!
*HoHoHo*!!! Bow down and have some *SPHAM*!!!! It's on the *House*!!
Multi-Tasking Man recognized immediately who the intruders were. They were
the Seven Deadly Sphammers, also known as The Triple X Girl, Make Money Fast
Mo, Lucky Chain Letter Lucy, The Green Card Kid, The Brand New Website Boy,
The Human Warehouse, and their nefarious leader The Spham King. They had
been terrorizing the Net for several months and had always been at least one
step ahead of the LNH. MTM's first thought was to send a team to stop them,
but he hesitated. "So you Net Saviors think you're hot stuff, do you?
Let's see how you handle this one." Of course if things became too crazy
he'd quickly send in a team, but until that happened, he'd sit back and
enjoy the show.
"You picked the wrong time and place to peddle your refuse, Villains! Mood
Arrow! These lowlifes could use some guilt on their conscious, don't you
think?" the Ultimate Savior said with a stern expression on his face.
"Coming right up, Chief!" The Mood Arrow picked out seven of his guilt
arrows from his pack and faster than the blind of a flash he shot each of
the seven before they could get out of the way.
Six of Seven stumbled down shaken as if they were waking from a long
glamorous dream and finally realized the true lack of their lives. The
final one, the Spham King, though attempted to make a break for freedom.
"Ah, I guess this hideous mess must be immune to guilt. I wouldn't bother
trying to shift to another newsgroup Spham King. Dr. Net.ropolis has
already shut down any possible way of crossposting."
For a brief moment a shade of malice colored the Spham King's face, but
disappeared quickly with a false grin. "It appears you have me at a
disadvantage. But, perhaps, we can make a deal -- Yes? I know many *Free*
sites with *Hot* *Sexy* *Girls* who would really like to get to know you
*Better*," he snickered. "If you know what I mean," The Spham King winked.
"You're pathetic, Spham King. And it somewhat saddens me you would mistake
the bottomless pit you've sunk into for a mountaintop. Bribes might work
against the LNH, but you'll have to try a bit harder if you want to defeat
us. Captain Killfile? Would you remove them? For their presence pains
"My pleasure, US." Out of her gauntlet covered fingertips came blue
killfile energy bands lashing like lightning bolts, which wrapped around the
seven servants of evil. The Spham King let out a horrible scream that was
cut off halfway as the killfile energy consumed him. The other six quietly
accepted their fate with horror on their faces.
And Multi-Tasking Man just watched. Pretty impressive, he thought to
himself. Of course if the Ultimate Ninja or Kid Kirby had been there; they
would have taken care of it just as easily if not more so, but still -- it
was impressive. These obviously weren't amateurs whoever they were. But
there was definitely something that disturbed him about the whole fight,
especially that last bit at the end where the lady called "Captain Killfile"
was "removing" the sphammers. He couldn't help but notice a very sadistic
grin on her face. There was something about that smile that reminded of him
of -- No that wasn't possible. Probably just his imagination.
What impressed Multi-Tasking Man though was what happened afterwards. They
actually cleaned up the mess that the Seven Deadly Sphammers had created and
made sure those in the crowd that had been hit the hardest were helped. The
one they called the Gothic Gorilla seemed to raise the spham with but a
slight gesture. As the spham levitated it burst into flame and when the
flame died nothing remained except the whitest ash.
"I Can't believe that just happened! On live TV! I'm just glad the Saviors
of the NETs were here to stop those menaces!! Undoubtedly, the LNH had a
hand in all of this..." McLaughlin Man who had been keeping his distance
until it appeared safe returned as arrogant and full of himself as he always
"I believe you're jumping the gun, McLaughlin Man. Let's just be thankful
that no one was seriously hurt by this attack and that the perpetrators
won't be troubling anyone ever again."
The Ultimate Savior's eyes turned from concern to anger as he looked
directly into the TV cameras, "And for those of you like the Seven that live
on the misery and despair of those around you I have this message. Your day
is done. Take one last bite out of the innocents you drain the hope from
and chew slowly. There is no room left for you in my Dream. There is no
room left for you in this world. You and the lives you live are obsolete.
We, the Saviors of the Net, are going to pull the evil right from the ground
and burn away its roots. There is nothing you can do to stop this from
happening. You will become history, legend, and myth. And people will
someday wonder if your kind ever truly existed. I'm sorry, but that is the
way it must be."
"And this is a message for the LNH. I know you're watching this. Please
don't stop us. If not for the World's sake -- If not for the Net's sake --
If none of these reasons concern you -- Then for your sake at least. We
will bring you down if you force us to. Please don't make us do that."
"And lastly, this is a message for *you* the innocents out there." The
smile returned to his face. A Jesus Christ archetype of a smile. The kind
of smile that gave the notion that all you'd have to do would be to name the
time and place, and he'd die for your sins. That type of smile. "Fear not.
This age of darkness will soon end. For as a wise sage once said, 'The
Night cannot last forever. The Dawn must always return.' We promise you a
beautiful golden dawn."
"I thank you for allowing us this time on your program, McLaughlin Man, but
I'm afraid we've spent more time than we should. There's a world out there
that needs saving -- and it's been needing it for too long."
"Well good luck, Ultimate Savior. Folks, give a big hand to the Saviors of
the NET who you most assuredly will be seeing more of in the future."
Multi-Tasking Man clicked the monitor off. The Man who could do almost
everything at once, just stared at an empty monitor for a few seconds and
did nothing else. A Revenge scheme that McLaughlin Man had been cooking up
for the last couple years? Most likely that's what it was. Or maybe it was
an even bigger villain, and McLaughlin Man was going along for the ride.
But what if...?
... What if they were sincere? Probably unlikely -- But what if?
It didn't matter. These weren't his decisions to make. It was up to the
big guy. He turned the monitor back on. And clicked on a communication
"Ultimate Ninja? We've got a situation brewing here. I really think you
should take a look. Important? Yeah, that's a light way of putting it."
MTM started contacting the high ranking members of the LNH. MTM started
getting all of the information he could from the government about the
Saviors of the NET. MTM started making copies of the show to other tapes.
MTM started printing out McLaughlin Man's entry from the Villains roster.
The monitors surrounding MTM started flashing waves of text and pictures.
The printers printed and kept on printing. And in the center of this
hurricane of information MTM sat typing like a man possessed.
Something nagged at Multi-Tasking Man. It wasn't whether the Saviors of the
NET were bad or good guys. In the end that didn't really matter. Just
another case. Just another day in the LNH. It was something they said. Or
had implied. Had the LNH done enough? Could the LNH do more? Could the
LNH save the world? No. Focus. This is more important. The Saviors of
the NET. Focus on them.
If you could imagine a man typing on all the keyboards ever made at one
time, then you might imagine what the Multi-Tasking Man felt like right
And he kept typing...
To be continued by someone else... maybe...
Multi-Tasking Man is the property of Jeff Coleburn
McLaughlin Man is the property of wReam
Everyone else is mine I believe
More information about the racc