Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Tue Mar 21 18:38:47 PST 2006

Because I can't help myself...

He was a gorilla.  Wearing a black trenchcoat.  A black trenchcoat that had
a number of silver pins on it.  Each pin harnessing its own unique mind
boggling magical power.  An ACCie for 'Best New Character' hung around his
neck.  And he walked in like he was the center of the universe.  Like he was
the only talking gorilla that was worth caring about.  Like he was the
greatest single talking gorilla that had ever and would ever exist.  And
because his name happened to be 'The Gothic Gorilla', he would have been

"Great Gothic One!  You're back!!" cried one of his many fans.  "You've
returned to us!!!  It was so long, but we kept the faith!!  And now you're
back.  Life is finally meaningful again!!"  Several Gothic Gorilla fans
kneeled down on the floor.

"Thank you, my loyal fans!"  The Gothic Gorilla made a nodding gesture.
"Please -- rise!  I'm bit curious though -- why exactly are you all here?"

"It's the War!  The War that the evil Haiku Gorilla fans have started by
blaspheming your name!!  They believe the Haiku Gorilla is more powerful
than you and more popular than you!  They're calling you a pussy!!"

"I see.  And I should care about this for what exact reason?"

"Because it's blasphemy!!!  You're the greatest, most popular, best dressed
talking gorilla to ever exist!!!!"

"So True."  The Gothic Gorilla gave a humble nod.  "And since every
right-thinking person knows that; I'm not quite sure why I should be worried
about a misguided few worshipping -- what was this lesser gorilla's name?"

"The Haiku Gorilla!  And you should be worried about this because as long as
the Haiku Gorilla exists there will always remain a slim sliver of doubt
about who the greatest of all the talking gorillas is!!  The longer the lie
exists the more people will fall for it.  You must destroy him!!  For the
sake of the truth!!"

"I suppose you're right."  The Gothic Gorilla sighed to himself.  "So where
is he?"

One of the Gothic Gorilla fan boys pointed to a gorilla sitting on a
barstool scribbling words on some bar napkins.  The Gothic Gorilla crackled
his knuckles.  And then he raised his voice.  "Haiku Gorilla!  It's time we
settled this once and far all!  Gorilla VS Gorilla!  No holds barred!  Your
power to make haiku poems against my power to cast any incredibly powerful
arcane spell that my writer can think of!!"

The Haiku Gorilla shook his head thoughtfully.

"Why should we fight, friend?
Violence never solves feuds!
The duck sucks flowers."

The Gothic Gorilla shook his head.  "Because I have to know.  I have to know
which of us is the contender -- and which of us is the pretender!!  But
first -- I need to talk to my friend 'The Human Aquarium'!"

"Umm -- Why do you need to talk to me?" The Human Aquarium asked.

"I need to summon a creature from your body," whispered The Gothic Gorilla.

"Umm -- Why exactly?  I mean you don't need me to help you.  You could turn
him into stone or envelop him in flame.  I mean he's just a gorilla who
speaks in haiku."

"Maybe.  But I can't just beat him.  I need to crush him.  To annihilate
him.  I need to make an example of him.  So I can make sure that no other
gorilla ever makes the same mistake of thinking that they're better than
me!!  Relax.  Just one creature.  That's all I need!"

The Human Aquarium shrugged.  "Whatever.  I guess."

"Okay then," The Gothic Gorilla faced The Haiku Gorilla, "We can begin this

"Wait!  This is insane!
There is no reason for this!
Nuts are for chipmunks!"

The Gothic Gorilla ignored him and cast a spell within The Human Aquarium's
body.  "Stoma Pelagius Cola!  No Mo Rock'n Rolla!!"  And then the body of
the Human Aquarium started to expand into a giant bubble.  There was a
horrified expression on the Human Aquariums face when he realized what was
coming through, but it didn't last long because what was coming ripped right
through his body.  It was a huge tentacle attached to something even more
horrible than the tentacle.  It was something that had existed when the Net
was still young.  It was -- Net.hulhu!!

The horrified Haiku Gorilla screamed out one last haiku as the Elder Net.God
devoured him.

"Overkill, People!?
OWW!  OWW!  God, This really hurts!!
Raindrops bring sunset."

"Well, Haiku Gorilla," The Gothic Gorilla gave a stern glare, "I guess that
taught you a lesson.  I'm sorry I had to kill you, but there can only be one
'Most Popular Talking Gorilla' of all time!!"  The Gothic Gorilla pounded
his chest.  "Take that Tom Russell!!!"

"First thing," said a man that looked exactly like Tom Russell, "You didn't
kill Haiku Gorilla -- Net.hulhu did (which I might add is a very pussy thing
having some great big Elder God fight your battles for you)!!  And
second..."  But before the Guy who looked exactly like Tom Russell could get
to his second point Net.hulhu slurped him right up.

"Hmm.  Did I go to far?" The Gothic Gorilla pondered to himself.  He looked
at the shattered remains of his old friend, The Human Aquarium.  "Killing my
best friend?  Unleashing a horrible creatures who has already killed tons of
innocent RACCCafe (Err... I mean Chooters) patrons?  Something that could
very well destroy the entire Net?!  And all for the sake of proving that I
was more powerful and popular than say -- what was his name?  By the Peels
of Banan-A-Rama, what have I wrought??"

The Gothic Gorilla gazed at the horror he had unleashed.  Tentacles dragged
screaming people into a nightmarish abyss.

"Oh well.  Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.  Guess, I
better get out of here before Net.hulhu decides to eat me."  With that the
Gothic Gorilla cast a spell and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Gothic Gorilla Fan #1:  Wow!  That wus 2tally awSUM!!
Gothic Gorilla Fan #2:  Yeah! GG Rawks!!! Hikoo is sew LAYM!!
Gothic Gorilla Fan #3:  Yeah!  Hay!  Sumthengs grabN mee!!
Gothic Gorilla Fan #1:  Mee 2!!
Gothic Gorilla Fan #3:  Oww!  Aaaaaghghgh!!
Gothic Gorilla Fan #2: <Nightmarish Scream>

And Net.hulhu continued grazing on the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet...

Arthur "Sigh" Spitzer

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