LNH: Pants Rabbit Lad: Easily-Discovered Ham

Tom Russell milos_parker at yahoo.com
Tue Jun 20 09:57:39 PDT 2006

With my apologies to Rob Rogers, we present

Pants Rabbit Lad in
    "Easily-Discovered Ham"


   "Hello there, Nina!" said Pants Rabbit Lad to the Ultimate Ninja's
visiting eight-year-old niece.  "How's your Uncle Grumpy?"
   The Ultimate Ninja popped into view, and crossed his arms.  "Uncle
Grumpy reminds you to stay at least ten feet away from any other
legionnaire, and twenty from my niece."
   "It's not my fault I have these powers!" lamented Pants Rabbit Lad.
   "Well, I don't want to have to explain to my sister how my
eight-year old niece came back home with crabs."  The Ninja hesitated
for a moment.  "And.  Um.  I don't want anything to happen to her, of
course.  Anyway.  Keep your distance!"  The Ninja ducked underneath the
   "What are you doing?" asked Pants Rabbit Lad.
   "Looking for something."
   "Well, what are you looking for?"
   "My ham sandwich."
   "That ham sandwich?" asked Pants Rabbit Lad.
   "... hmm...?"
   "I said, that ham sandwich?"
   "What are you..." The Ninja started to stand up, his head colliding
with the table.
   Nina burst out laughing.  "Uncle Grumpy hit his head!"
   "Uncle Grumpy still has your dollie," said the Ninja severely,
producing a shoddy and beaten-up looking doll.  "And I have no qualms
about pulling off her arms."
   Nina stopped laughing and began to cry.
   "Oh, for the love of... Nina, could you stop it, please..."
   "You're going to pull my dollie's arms off...!"
   "I won't if you stop crying."
   "But... but she needs her arms!"
   "Stop crying!"
   "My dollie..."
   The Ninja sighed and twisted the doll's head off.  He tossed it on
the table.  "There?  You happy now, Nina?  See what you made me do?
Now don't you feel ashamed?  This is what happens when little girls
don't stop crying."
   Nina blinked.
   "Um," said Pants Rabbit Lad.
   "What now?"
   "I was just going to ask, if the ham sandwich you're looking for..."
   "... is the one that's on the table."
  "On the table?" said the Ninja incredulously.
   "Yes.  On the table.  Right next to the... uh... severed doll
   "Oh!  You're right!" said the Ninja.  "So it is, so it is."  He
flicked the head away and picked up the sandwich, taking a bite.  "Mmm.
 Just the right amount of mustard."
   The doll's head landed at Nina's feet.  She kicked it delicately.
"I'm a murderer," she said.
   "And if you don't behave," said the Ninja, his mouth full, "you'll
be a mass murderer."
   The Ninja licked the mustard from his fingers and produced three
more of Nina's dollies.
   "Anna!  Babette!  Coolio!" Nina cried.
   "A mass murderer," repeated the Ninja.  "Like Hitler, but with

   Pants Rabbit Lad ran into his room and shut the door.  He sat on his
   "That was _so_ wrong."

Ultimate Ninja: wReam.
Nina, Pants Rabbit Lad: Tom Russell.


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