[LNH] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #10

[Martin Phipps]

        Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #10

  "Hi.  I'm Deja Dude."
  "And I'm Master Blaster."
  "And we have a special guest reviewer this time...
PC Person!"
  "Hi!"
  "PC Person?  Is it your special power to fix
personal computers?" Master Blaster asked.
  "No.  It is not."
  "Do you have special control over your pubococcygeus
muscle?"
  "My what?"
  "Because I do.  It helps me to last longer."
  "Excuse me?"
  "Because wReanna would hate it if I finished ahead
of her."
  "What are you talking about?"
  "Um, we just saw Land of the Dead," Deja Dude said,
changing the subject.  "PC Person, what did you
think?"
  PC Person drew a deep breath.  "Actually, I tend to
avoid horror movies on principle.  They tend to
glorify violence and, in the process, desensitize
people to violence they encounter in real life."
  "Yeah, well, I know that after watching all these
zombie movies I don't even bat an eye when I see a
zombie in real life," Master Blaster said.
  "Actually, you have seen a zombie in real life,"
Deja Dude pointed out.  "Don't forget
Sleeps-With-Anyone-Alive Lass."
  "I'm sorry," Master Blaster said, "did that sound
sarcastic?"
  PC Person sighed.  "I am particularly annoyed by
zombie, vampire and werewolf movies because they
portray not just diseases themselves as something to
be feared but also go so far as to stigmatize the
people carrying the disease.  People carrying the
virus in question not only become carriers of the
disease but they become evil zombies, vampires,
werewolves, whatever, actively trying to infect
others.  They, in a sense, become their disease.  They
are no longer able to lead ordinary lives as ordinary
people.  And instead of finding a treatment or a cure,
what do people do?  They shoot them in the head, stab
them through the heart or shoot them with silver
bullets.  Imagine if this were how we treated AIDS
patients?  Indeed, isn't it scary that these diseases
are all considered supernatural, as if the diseases
were sent by God or the devil?  This only contributes
to the notion that people afflicted with diseases are
themselves somehow damned by God, as though all there
was left to do was sit back and let them die.  What a
barbaric notion!"
  "PC?" Master Blaster said.  "That's BS."
  "So you say."
  "There's nothing wrong with a good zombie movie!"
  "You just don't like to be faced with the truth!"
  "The truth?  What are you?  Self Righteous
Preacher's evil twin?"
  "Actually I've always thought of him as MY evil
twin."
  "Whatever!"
  "Actually," Deja Dude said, "the concept of zombies
dates back to ancient Sumer.  Even Norse mythology had
the dead rising up and eating people.  It was supposed
to have happened during Ragnarok."
  "You point being?  Look how people with leprosy were
treated in those times?  I would hope people were more
sensitive than that today.  Besides, the analogy
extends beyond that of viral diseases.  What about
people with mental illnesses?  In ancient times people
believed that these people were possessed by evil
spirits.  Hell, exorcisms are performed to this day on
people with diagnosed mental illnesses.  Again, we
have the same pattern: the disease is supernatural in
nature and the focus is on fighting daemons rather
than treating the patient.  Then there's the way
sexually promiscuous people are always the first to
die in horror movies, like the way Paris Hilton's
character died in House of Wax."
  "Yeah!" Master Blaster said.  "Speared through the
head!  That was awesome."
  "Actually I was a bit disappointed she never got
round to taking her top off," Deja Dude said.
  "Then there's homosexuality," PC Person said,
ignoring the on-going discussion.
  "Hold on!" Deja Dude said.  "Are you saying
homosexuality is a mental disease?"
  "Not at all.  I'm just saying that these movies play
into our fears of what is different.  And when I say
'these movies' I'm including movies like War of the
Worlds which also plays into our fear of people
different from us, in this case aliens.  Think about
it.  People worry about being around homosexuals
because they are afraid of becoming homosexuals
themselves, as though a single bite from a homosexual
man will make a man homosexual too."
  "Maybe not a bite," Master Blaster said, "but
sleeping with a guy on a mountain is supposed to do
the trick.  They say you can never come back from
that."
  Deja Dude nodded.  "Brokeback Mountain: the scariest
movie of 2005."
  "I'm serious!" PC Person insisted.
  "I know," Deja Dude said, "but consider: in Land of
the Dead, you not only have the zombies living outside
the city and you have people living inside the city,
but you also have, within the city, people living
outside of Fiddler's Green and inside of Fiddler's
Green.  The people living outside of Fiddler's Green
actually start to identify with the zombies because
just as the zombies can't get inside the city, they
can't get inside Fiddler's Green.  So it's actually
social commentary that addresses the very sort of
points you bring up: to the people inside Fiddler's
Green, the other people living in the city are merely
one step up from the zombies in terms of social
status."
  "But does the movie actually portray this as being
wrong?" PC Person asked.
  "Hey!" Master Blaster said.  "Who says it's wrong? 
Why shouldn't the people inside Fiddler's Green, the
people who built the damn city, enjoy a better life
than the people who come later?"
  "Where are you from again?" PC Person asked.
  "Excuse me?"
  "Are you in this country legally?"
  "I'm a member of the LNH!"
  "You didn't answer my question."
  "He IS married to an American," Deja Dude pointed
out.
  "Hey!" Master Blaster said.  "What about Deja Dude? 
He's Canadian!  Why don't you ask him if he's here
legally?"
  "Exactly!" PC Person said with a smile.  "And do you
like automatically being regarded as a second class
citizen because of your origins?"
  "With all that being said," Deja Dude added, "you
must be very happy with the X-Men movies."
  "How so?"
  "Well, they deal with a lot of the themes you
discuss.  In the X-Men movies, the mutants are the
others and they face discrimination from normal
humans.  In each of the movies, there's the obvious
analogy is with homosexuality: X-Men United even has
Iceman coming out to his parents."
  "What?" Master Blaster said.  "Iceman's gay?"
  "I mean as a mutant," Deja Dude said.
  "I know!  I know!  I saw the movie too.  I was
kidding!"
  "Anyway, X-Men: The Last Stand introduces the
concept of the cure.  Should mutants be cured?  Is
being a mutant even a disease?  The analogy with
homosexuality is obvious.  And I think it's something
everybody can relate to.  Hell, some people would even
question my OWN preferences and say I was sick."
  "Um, Dude," Master Blaster said, "you like watching
lesbians take a pee together."
  "No I don't!" Deja Dude insisted.  "That was just
one scene!"
  "You didn't fast forward."
  "I didn't hear you complain."
  "Do I have to hear this?" PC Person asked.
  "The point is," Deja Dude said, "is that the third
X-Men movie actually did a good job of continuing the
themes from the original two."
  "Maybe," Master Blaster said, "but Dark Pheonix was
freakin' lame!  Where were the fire effects?"
  "Well, most people watching the movie wouldn't have
expected Jean Grey to catch on fire and might ahve
been confused if she had.  But Jean Grey's red hair
did look like a halo of fire when it was lit from
behind."
  "True.  But the way they had Storm flying around was
lame.  She's supposed to be propeled by the wind, not
swinging from wires!"
  "Granted.  But Haley Berry sure as hell did look hot
in this one."
  "Oh!  Absolutely!  Especially when we first see her
from behind and we get a really good look at her --"
  "Must you too objectify women like this?" PC Person
asked.
  "Okay," Deja Dude said, "so you tell us what you
thought of X-Men: The Last Stand."
  "I don't watch comic book movies," PC Person said.
  "You don't?" Master Blaster asked.
  "Comic books and comic book movies alike glorify
violence."
  "So what do you like to watch?" Master Blaster
asked.
  "I enjoy the dramas shown on the Hallmark Channel
and Lifetime."
  "Ugh!"  Master Blaster pretended to throw up.
  "But this is a comics related newsgroup," Deja Dude
pointed out.  "Why even join the LNH if you're not
into comics?"
  "Are you questioning my right to be considered a
net.hero?" PC Person asked.  "I am as much a hero as
either of you!"
  "Right," Master Blaster said with a distinct hint of
sarcasm.  "Where are you when we have a major crisis?"
  "Setting a good example by not using my fists to
settle a dispute!" PC Person insisted.
  "Riiight," Master Blaster said with a laugh.
  "How dare you mock me!"
  "Oh I dare mock you!  I double dare!  Nah nah nah
nah nah!"
  "You... degenerate!"
  "Aha!  Look who's assigning labels!  Why can't you
just accept me for who I am?  Boo hoo hoo."
  "I can't be expected to tolerate intolerance!"
  "Hey!  Who's being intolerant here?"
  "Not me!"
  "Not you?  Not Mr.
I-Have-To-Force-My-Opinions-On-Everybody else?  You
are such a hypocrite!"
  "I've never--"
  "Gotten laid?  That explains everything!  Look, I've
got a black book you can look at.  Names of girls I
knew when I was still single.  Assuming of course my
wife didn't find it and throw it out.  No, she would
probably ahve asked me what I was keeping it for. 
It's just a souvenir, really."
  "Okay, look," Deja Dude said, "maybe we need to wrap
this up.  I'm Deja Dude!"
  "I'm Master Blaster!"
  "Hey!" PC Person said.  "I'm not fin--"

                        THE END

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