[LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Vol 2. #17
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Fri Jun 16 08:42:31 PDT 2006
Previously in LNH vol 2, Annual #1: Sister State The Obvious became
tired of Master Blaster picking on WikiBoy so she had Excess run him
through a series of disturbing alternate realities. Retcon Lad tried
to stop Excess but ended up having an adventure on the zeroth floor
where he found Applicant Lad. Applicant Lad remained trapped there.
Retcon Lad met up with Master Blaster and the two hopped a falling
elevator two years into the future. But first, let's concern
ourselves with the present.
Applicant Lad finally escaped the elevators. He walked
peacefully through the lobby. Not a thousand rainy days could make
him frown. After months of being lost on the zeroth floor he was
finally free of the crazy building.
"Oh, hi Applicant Lad!" Onion Lad said.
"Hey Onion Lad," he said.
Or so he thought. Onion Lad and some girl in spandex running right
toward him with a large yellow snow globe in pursuit. The same type
of energy globe that had prevented him from making entrance into the
elevator hours before. His mind went blank. After all he had done he
wouldn't let his quest for freedom end here.
"Get back here!" shouted Doctor
Applicant Lad stared transfixed and drool dripped down his face.
"Ah no! Not you again!" he said
He tried to run. The energy globe seemed to recognize him. It did a
nearly impossible aerial bypass of the two heroes. It seemed to be
taking a sadistic pleasure in making the blood vessel in his eyes pop
Onion Lad and Teryaki Chick hopped on the elevator that Applicant Lad
had just gotten off. The doors closed the energy globe began firing at
him. He ducked and both elevator doors turned into a butter like
He knew he had two choices. Go back to whence he came... or be turned
into I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. To his surprise, Applicant
Lad plunged down the elevator shaft. It had not been the best of
days. He had been shot at, almost turned into
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter, and nearly plunged to his death
Now he couldn't even keep his bearings. Most people say their life
flashes before their eyes when they're going to die. In a
multidimensional building like Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters, under
just the right circumstances, it could actually happen.
He could literally reach out and seize the moments. They slipped
through his fingers too quickly. Just like so much of his life. He
was always trying to find something important and grab it.
The closest he ever came was one afternoon where he was running down
the stairs to catch up with Ultimate Ninja. It was some important
mission. He remembered how he embarrassed was when he had tripped
over his own shoelaces.
Now his face was really red. As he tried to pull himself back into
the timestream, he grabbed blindly. His hands curved around a pair of
shoelaces. It unwound in his hands. He continued falling through
time. And there standing above him was his past self. His
shoelaces dangling and beginning a plunge of his own.
"Maybe death won't be so bad. I don't damn well think it could
possibly be any worse," he thought.
And he fell....
Legion of Net.Heroes #17
King Without a Kingdom
A Killfille Wars Tie-In Event
By Jesse N. Willey
Retcon Lad and Master Blaster entered the briefing room. Ten other
spandex clad figures were in the room. Neither hero recognized any of
them. All the equipment was the same but not a single face stuck out
in the crowd.
"What's going on here?" Master Blaster said.
"Contingency plan Gamma, condition yellow," Ultimate Ninja
"Huh?" Retcon Lad said.
"Don't either of you bother reading emergency plans..."
"Retcon Lad does..."
"No I don't..."
"You do too..."
"That only works on Wikiboy."
"There's no reason you couldn't change yourself."
"Yes... I could but..."
"Will you too please cut that out... we're trying to plan here.
And my powers won't let me work for too much longer," said one of
"I don't even see why we let you on this team Dan," said
"Because..." said a woman in a spandex suit that had slight nun
motif going. "I think he's the only one can really stop all
Retcon Lad stared at Master Blaster.
"I don't really want to get involved in this," Master Blaster
"Me neither. You got a six sided dice?" Retcon Lad asked.
"There are other kinds?"
"Okay... one take the time bike, two we take the time cube, three
grab the timeporter, four we wait for Excess to show up again, five or
six we risk the elevators again..."
And fell.... and fell...
The old man coughed. He stared Monark in the face and then stared
back down at his watch. His wife wanted to try one of those fancy
cheesecakes. Fine he wanted to witness history. At least one more
taste of glory.
"Oh god! This is so much worse.... I'm... him? Ah no... this is
frigging lame" Monark said.
"What? Come on... it's not the suspense that's killing me.
It's these tour prices. One hundred bucks... at a senior's
discount? You've got to be kidding me," the old man said.
The steam cleared and Monark's face was visible. The old man rolled
And fell.... and fell and fell...
Retcon Lad and Master Blaster looked around the cargo bay. They
shifted through the wreckage. One of them quickly checked the
calender on the back wall before deciding they had indeed made it back
to where they wanted to be.
A red alert was blaring. Retcon Lad ran out the door as fast as he
could. Master Blaster tried to follow them but the door closed. Then
there was a loud thump almost out of earshot.
"Remember me?" the voice said.
Master Blaster glanced around the room and didn't see a thing. A
drip of water fell on his head. He glanced up. His unmarried
counterpart was clinging to the gratings of the second story catwalk.
"Oh... it's you," he said.
Master Blaster pulled out a gun, aimed the gun up at the ceiling.
The upper catwalk exploded and his counterpart fell to the ground.
His body was quickly buried in rubble of the floor above it.
"You are frickin' lame," Master Blaster said.
The lights in the room went out. Emergency power kicked in to coat
the room in a very dim yellow light. Master Blaster squinted to see
what was going on. Something was coming into focus in the center of
the room. He knew it wasn't there before. He tried to make out
what it was.
It literally hit him in the head. A large atmosphere suited man
without its helmet on. The face had just a few seconds to register
"Not another me..." he muttered.
"Not just any other you... but the one you are destined to
"Bullshit!" Master Blaster raised his gun.
"I wouldn't fire that if I were.... It'd be suicide..." Monark
Master Blaster's hand loosened on the gun. A laser blast hit the
gun. Master Blaster let go right as the gun quickly melted.
"What the hell? Why'd you do that? You just said shooting each
other being suicide!" Master Blaster said.
"No... I said 'I wouldn't fire that if I were you...' but if I
kill you now, I won't be," Monark said.
Monark fired more energy bolts. Master Blaster attempted to dodge
everyone of them. He barely avoided tripping over the rubble from the
catwalk and the Unmarried Master Blaster's body. He couldn't tell
if he was still alive. And considering their last meeting he didn't
much care. He kept his eyes peeled for an exit. There was nothing
easily available except a cargo elevator. Its lights blinked and
the doors opened. Monark raced up behind him. Master Blaster
unleashed heavy cover fire. Vel came out of the elevator.
"Vel, a little help fighting Monark here?" Master Blaster asked.
Vel was pushing a small cart. He walked blindly through the battle.
Somehow, nothing hit them. The half dorf walked on to the ship
without even the slightest mark. A small fireball raced past Master
Blaster, burning the side of his uniform
Master Blaster pulled out his biggest, most powerful and down right
favorite laser gun. Kimball, the man who sold it to him, said it
could carve an angel on the head of pin from orbit.
"You are not me... it's just one of those Freudian Luke in the
swamp things. You know... cause he really didn't want to admit he
wanted to screw Natile Portman. Damn it-I've been hanging around
with Deja Dude too long...." Master Blaster said.
He flung the huge gun over his shoulder and aimed it. Monark hovered
over the ground. He fired no weapon. He opened his eyes as wide as
he could. He didn't blink for at least two minutes. Master
Blaster's fingers lingered on the trigger.
"Go ahead! Do it! You know you want to!"
"Monark" Master Blaster said.
"Was time's way of protecting itself from what it didn't want to
know," Monark said. "All things are true. Even false things."
Monark twisted a knob on his arm and a duplicate armor appeared on the
ground. Then his blasters released a torrent of plasma and flame.
Master Blaster leapt back for the suit. The cargo bay was crumbling
"I only have one chance at this..." Master Blaster thought.
"Go ahead... this is where it all begins..." Monark said.
And Fell... and fell and fell and fell.....
Master Blaster stared into Monark's eyes for a sign that what was
before him was indeed another him. He'd had lots of adventures
involving time travel. Several of them involved evil counterparts of
various teammates. They'd all told stories of how they shook their
fear by staring their opponent in the eyes and finding something.
Either a glimmer of hope or some other such sentimentalist liberal
And he wasn't seeing that. All he saw was the ice the passed for
his eyes. He knew that capacity existed in himself. A heartless
bastard capable of shooting people through any point of their anatomy
and being a total jerk to women. And Wikiboy.
"All right... I get it. Wikiboy.... I'm sorry. But this isn't
funny anymore. Change it back so that you become Monark instead of
me... Please?" he said.
"I've never been Wikiboy. Now put on the suit."
The pile of rubble shuffled about. The bleeding body of the
Unmarried Master Blaster crawled out. He coughed up blood as he
struggled to get up. He motioned to Master Blaster to help him up.
"Help me..." The Unmarried Master Blaster said.
"Not now... I'm busy."
"Quid quo pro, you jackass," The Unmarried Master Blaster said.
"Look, ya moron, I don't speak Lithuanian. Can't you see I'm
trying to think of a plan to defeat Monark?" Master Blaster said.
The Unmarried Master Blaster crawled over to the spare armor that
Monark had teleported in. Master Blaster pulled out a second gun and
pointed it at him. That's when an inkling of a plan hit him.
"Okay... yah Kia piece of shit from ages hence... you're me...
right?" Master Blaster said.
"Are you sure?"
"How can you be sure? I heard your memory is fuzzy and there are
two of me here. How do you know that he doesn't steal the armor...
use the futurey tech it contains to heal himself and become you?"
Master Blaster responded.
The Unmarried Master Blaster was now on top of the armor and fiddling
with the locking mechanism. Master Blaster's finger came closer to
the triggers of the guns. Monark had a confused expression on his
"Uh... I don't...."
"Only one to find out..." Master Blaster said.
Master Blaster fired the laser gun. The Unmarried Master Blaster's
body was quickly vaporized. Monark's body began crackling with
energy and exploded. When the light cleared all that remained was
Master Blaster, empty armor, the pile of rubble and a large hole in the
Master Blaster stared down at the armor. He examined it like it was
a fine car. The design was fine. It was much better than his first
car. It reminded him of a Mercedes he had ridden in once.
"What a beaut..." Master Blaster said.
"Yeah... but you don't want to touch it. Trust me..." came a
female voice behind. "I just stopped by to see how you resisted
Master Blaster turned around. A teenage girl with a gun was behind
him. He gave her a quick glance over and something inside him
screamed to him that it was wrong. It was that damn ray of hope
"I don't know..." he said.
"Do you really want to risk becoming like him?" she said.
"No way... he's frickin' lame," Master Blaster said.
Master Blaster struggled to slowly shove the armor inch by inch. He
got it the edge of the hole and soon the force gravity pulled it into
And fell... and fell and fell and fell and fell....
Master Blaster sat down to dinner. There were huge black circles
under his eyes and he was barely able to wobble to the table. Deja
Dude and Sister State the Obvious were waiting for him.
"I... I didn't think the little punk had it in him," Master
Blaster said. "I mean after all I did for him."
"Huh," Deja Dude replied.
"Roberto, it wasn't WikiBoy... it was me" said Sister State the
Obvious. "And you had it coming, dear."
"My own wife... I can't believe this. I don't believe this,"
Master Blaster grunted. "Whatever happened to mutual respect?"
Deja Dude coughed.
"You told her about the robot thing... didn't you," Master
Blaster said. "You bastard. You complete and total smegging
And Fell.... and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell...
Then finally, he hit the ground. His back snapped as it landed a
hard and rather sharp piece of metal. He pulled himself up and
examined his surroundings. It was some deserted ruins of twisted
metal and burning rubble.
"Damn you, Legion of Net.Heroes. All I wanted to do was join your
ranks. But you wouldn't let me. All I ever wanted to do was help
He turned his head to look at what he landed on. At first it looked
like a heavily armed one atmosphere suit. It was empty and cold to
the touch. The suit opened and long metallic tentacles reached out
and grabbed him.
"Get off! Get the hell off!" he said.
The suit pulled him in and then sealed itself shut. Applicant Lad's
screams were silenced. His own heartbeat pounded in his ears. He
didn't notice the whine of the drill going through his skull. His
body began writhing and twisting about.
"Oh... oh... I see now.... Okay then.... Go on ahead. This could
be the start of a beautiful friendship," he said.
Not really.... To Be Continued in Killfile Wars #5...
Doctor I-Can't Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Dane Martin.
Onion Lad created by Dane Martin and Tom Russell Jnr. Applicant
Lad, Teryaki Chick and Vel created by Jesse N. Willey and are
reserved.. Ultimate Ninja created by wReam. Retcon Lad created by
Saxon Brenton. Master Blaster and Vammo Girl created by Martin Phipps.
More information about the racc