[LNH] Onion Lad #9
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Tue Jun 13 14:00:17 PDT 2006
It was the proudest day of my life. Ultimate Ninja, Ultimate Ninja
and Fearless Leader called me into the main office. They handed me a
key, a communication card and the code to get into the Peril Room. I
had dreamed of this since I put on the suit and became Teryaki Chick.
Yeah-- I claim that I wanted nothing to do with the incompetence of the
Legion of Net. Heroes, but I just didn't want to seem desperate. I
didn't want to seem like the one who coasted in because she was Onion
"For your help with the Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter
case and the Hog Dog Man incident, I hereby grant you membership into
the Legion of Net. Heroes with all rights, privileges and
responsibilities thereof," Ultimate Ninja said.
I didn't need to worry. Onion Lad is an idiot. I made it in under
my own merit. The Ninja put his faith in me.
I'll miss them. Well two of them anyway.
Onion Lad #9
On the Run
A Killfile Wars Tie-In Event
By Jesse N. Willey
It took me awhile to find my room and set up all my stuff. Not long
after that was done, there was a knock on the door. As I suspected-
it was Onion Lad. I didn't answer. He's so damn aggravating.
I try to push him away but no matter what I do he keeps coming back.
It's only sweet because he's so damn pathetic. Three minutes
passed and he was still pushing the door chime. Another mistake, I
answer the door in loose fitting Power Puff Girl pajamas.
"Oh Chuckles... you brought me Peanut Butter Banana sandwiches to
celebrate my finally getting my LNH memberships. How sweet," she
Smiled and kissed his cheek. I almost wanted to puke. I giggled
softly as he hit his head on the door frame. Then I closed the door.
About a minute later I ran out, in costume, and was the portrait of
"Aghhh! He was here! And he turned my sandwiches into
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," I said as I picked Onion
Lad's unconscious body off the floor. "We have to get out of
I carried Onion Lad on my back as we hit the elevator. Charlie
wobbled groggily as I put him down. The elevator let us of in the
lobby. As we stepped out a puddle of butter like substance was
splattered all over the floor.
"How did he--?" Onion Lad said.
"Turned the floor into 'I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," I
I dove back to the elevators. I quickly pressed both arrows. One of
the elevators didn't seem to respond. The other elevator car opened
up. A man was stepping out. We leapt on the car.
"Oh, hi Applicant Lad!" Onion Lad said.
"Hey Onion Lad," he said.
The yellow globe noticed us trying to escape. I knew my father. I
could predict his reaction. I knew he expected me to act in an
orderly fashion. Of course the trick to beating him would be to not
do what he expected me to do.
"Get back here!" shouted Doctor
Applicant Lad stared transfixed on at the yellow globe that charged
"Ah no! Not you again!" he said
He froze and then did one of those Hanna-Barbera runs where his legs
moved in impossible bone snapping circles that did not really get him
anywhere. He began to scream. I tried to reach out and pull him to
safety but the doors shut.
Onion Lad, bless his inner twelve year old, was pushing buttons
randomly. I hoped we could come out somewhere where we wouldn't end
being rubbed on someone's English muffin.
"Good plan," I said.
"Plan? I was looking for the emergency call button," Onion Lad
"Why not just use your communicator," I said.
"You lost it again, didn't you?" I said.
"No, I wouldn't say lost exactly. It's in my wallet
somewhere," Onion Lad said.
He fumbled around in his pocket. After pulling out two yo-yos, a
paddle ball and a rubber duck, he found his wallet. He quickly began
looking for the credit card sized device.
"Let's see... library card, Megamart Savings Card, Larry's
Laundry Mat Card, Kinko's Card, American Express, Borders's Book
Card, Screen Actor's Guild Card..." Onion Lad said.
"You're in the Screen Actor's Guild?" she said.
"Yeah... I had to join when I did some commercials. Come with
having dialgoue," Onion Lad said. ".... My dentist's business
card... an appointment card to remind me to take Peelix to the vet next
week... My 'To keep an idiot busy turn card over card'. I wonder
what's on the back of that... I'll never find my communication
card... why don't you use yours?"
The sad thing was I had almost forgotten I had one.
The door's slid open. We stepped out in to the hallway. It was
partially scorched and dimly lit. The halls smelled of ash and flame
retardant. It was quiet except for something in the distance.
There was a rumbling ahead of us on the other end of the corridor.
It came closer and closer.
The yellow globe was gaining on us too.
Luckily, the rumbling was just Vel pushing a dolly. Onion Lad began
screaming. We tried to catch up with Vel. After all-there was
strength in numbers. Vel didn't seem all that happy to see us.
Hard to tell why. I mean, it's not like we had ever done anything
Okay.... I had never done anything to him. Onion Lad or Peelix might
have. I wasn't involved. I don't take responsibility for them.
Guilt by association I guess.
"Help us!" Onion Lad shouted.
"Come on, we can take a pantywaist like Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," Teryaki Chick said.
I understand Vel. If we showed any sign of weakness, he wouldn't
"Umm... we needed Vel's help the first time," Onion Lad said.
"That was different," I said.
Vel turned his head and ran toward the hangar bay. He was treating us
like we weren't there. We were being chased half way across the
building by a yellow globe that was turning anything in its path into
non-dairy spread and he just us ignored us.
"What a jerk!" Onion Lad yelled.
We ran down the winding staircase. The globe still followed us.
The yellow globe chased us down the staircase. He was transmutating
the floor as he went along and moved very slowly down each curve.
I knew we had to take advantage of this anyway we could.
"I can't keep doing this," Onion Lad said.
"Hopefully, you won't have to..." I said.
I threw my badge into the globes transmutative beams. The beam went
back into the globe. While physically unharmed, it was still a little
stunned. We used that time to get off on whatever floor we had gotten
"... the door is opening!" shouted Cheesecake Eater Lad.
Cheesecake Eater Lad threw a pie at me. I ducked. Onion Lad, who
had been reaching into his pocket to get his inhaler, wasn't so
lucky. The force knocked him into the wall.
"Vel... I knew you'd return to the scene of..." Cheesecake Eater
Lad said. "Oh it's YOU. Revenge is mine!"
(See Onion Lad #1)
I took out my Teryaki blaster and shot Cheesecake Eater Lad. I
really didn't have time for this 'I confused you for someone else,
let's fight' stuff. Onion Lad was getting up and began to use the
"You all right?" I asked.
"Yeah... I-I think so... give me a few minutes," he said.
We paused for a moment.
For a fraction of a second I saw a woman standing there. Before I
even realized it, I was knocked to the ground. aLLiterative Lass was
standing above me. A long katana was pointed at my chest.
"You being Made a Member- a Mistake. Ninja Not Know. Once
Killfile, always Killfile," she said.
"Ooohh... Scary. Grammar Lad would so not approve of your
monologue, bitch!" I said.
I reached for my blaster again but she sliced in it half. The brief
electric shock allowed me to go free. I tried the kick in the face.
She grabbed my leg and threw me across the room.
"If you Hurt my Husband Hurt you will be too, Teryaki Chick," she
Then she began to cry. Onion Lad did it. For once the little spud
timed his power use perfectly. I belted her across the face. The
battle was short and the outcome inevitable.
That's right... the wall turned into
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter and we ran like hell while
aLLiterative Lass was distracted by the Killfile globe. Some heroes
we are. They who fight and run away--
There is no awning on the left wing of LNH Headquarters. I mention
this because Onion Lad and I leapt about fifty feet out the window and
down the street level. I don't know how we survived.
"We landed on something soft," Onion Lad said.
"Ouch! Guys... watch where you're jumping," Peelix shouted.
Okay, I know how we survived. But saying that we almost crushed a
cartoon cat to death wasn't one of my finest moments. I mean who
else had a first day on the job this bad? Okay... aside from my friend
Melissa who works at Pretzel Barn. But that's a whole other story.
The globe came chasing after us. We continued running. The globe
blasted the building and the roads rumbled. Then the building began
crumbling to the ground. I knew we'd never make. I really thought
I was going to die.
Then I looked up in the sky.
To be Continued in Killfile Wars #5....
Teryaki Chick, Applicant Lad and Vel created by Jesse N. Willey.
Ultimate Ninja, Cheesecake Eater Lad and aLLiterative Lass are public
domain. Fearless Leader created by Dvandom. Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created Dane Martin. Onion Lad
created by Tom Russell Jnr. and Dane Martin.
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