[LNH/ACRA] Onion Lad #8
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Wed Jun 7 05:08:14 PDT 2006
Previously: Former teen sidekick Weiner Boy came to the LNH for help
after he was attack by Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter.
Unfortunately, he found Onion Lad. Now the usual gang of idiots have
been drawn into a case involving sex, the mob, a fallen super hero and
Onion Lad and Teryaki Chick made their way to Sergio's
Club. As they entered they couldn't help but feel out of place.
Topless Men were cage dancing and a lounge singer was brutally
murdering 'Leader of the Pack'.
"You notice something?" Onion Lad said.
"Yeah... I'm the only semiclad woman here," Teryaki Chick
"No... you're the only woman here at all..." Onion Lad said.
Teryaki Chick looked around. She spotted a broad shoulder vaguely
Mediterranean looking woman in an expensive sequined evening gown and
"I am not..." she said. "There's that woman over there."
"Twenty bucks says it's a man. Forty if it's Jamie Farr,"
Onion Lad said.
"You're on," she said.
Onion Lad walked over to the woman and tapped her on the shoulder.
She turned around revealing a five o'clock shadow and a long cigar.
"Excuse me, sir, but are you a man or a woman?" Onion Lad asked.
"What's it look like to you," the man/woman said.
Onion Lad #8
Hot Dogs of War Part 2 of 2
An Assessment of the Franks at Hand
A Killfile Wars Tie-In Event
By Jesse N. Willey
Weiner Boy swung onto the roof. It was a dark night and people
swinging onto the roof the Legion's headquarters was not an uncommon
sight. He doubted that anyone would notice. Out of the corner of
his eye he saw something much more incredible. Somebody was on roof
talking on their cellphone.
As his feet touched the ground, he spotted Frat Boy. He put his arms
"I found out a few things while on patrol. Hot Dog Man was in debt
about three hundred gees to the mob," Weiner Boy said.
"Which doesn't explain how he got the money for that equipment,"
Frat Boy said. "That would go for more money than aLLiterative
"I know," Weiner Boy said. "Did you find out anything your
"Yeah, we got the results on the body. It is definitely
Sergio," Frat Boy said.
"But why?" Weiner Boy said.
"I think you know..."
Frat Boy heard a soft coughing noise.
"Greetings, gentleman," Vel said.
"This isn't what it looks like," Frat Boy said.
"It's my business because..." Vel said. " By the way... you
wouldn't happen to know where find a surgical mask to cover this
forehead would you?"
Onion Lad stuffed the twenty dollars into his wallet and smiled.
Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out some papers. When the
open mic became free he walked up to it.
"Attention patrons! I'm Onion Lad from the LNH," he shouted.
"OOOH! The short cute one who cooks for the super heroes. I always
knew he was one of us," said the lounge singer.
"What? No... I'm not..." he said. "Not that there's
anything wrong with that. No, I'm here investigating the murder of
the owner of this club. We have a suspect but we need your help
The crowd gasped. Onion Lad held up a picture.
"Have any of you seen this man?" he said as he held up a blank
piece of paper.
"Uh... O.L.... that's backwards," Teryaki Chick said.
"Oh... sorry," he said.
He held the picture up again, only this time face front. The crowd
"Hot Dog Man! Yes, we've seen him. We saw him outside here two
nights ago. He was yelling at Sergio. Telling him it was his fault
his sidekick was... well y'know. He threatened to kill him," the
cage dancer said.
"Wait... you saw this and you didn't call the police?" Teryaki
"This is Net.tropolis. You think the police or the LNH gives a
crap?" the lounge singer said. "Not with everything else that goes
on in this town."
Teryaki Chick began running around passing out business cards and
saying if you ever need help or 'remember' anything else to call
the LNH immediately and they would send protection. Teryaki Chick and
Onion Lad headed back outside.
Teryaki Chick and Onion Lad got into the car. She turned to him.
"I don't see how that helped. We had Hot Dog Man as a suspect
already," Teryaki Chick said. "I mean, we don't have time to go
out playing LNH: Special Victims Unit."
Onion Lad smiled.
"It leads more credence to my theory," he said.
"Which is what exactly. Yesterday, you were saying we were played
all along but you didn't explain how or why?" she said.
"I wasn't sure of the particulars then. Now I am," he said.
"Oh great, now you're switching series on me," she said.
"It is simple. When Frat Boy and I were looking around Hot Dog
Man's headquarters we saw lots of computer equipment. Including a
dock for a digital camera. Only there was something we didn't
find," Onion Lad said.
"The digital camera," Teryaki Chick said.
"How did you learn to be a detective?"
"A crime is like a recipe. They have ingredients. In solving a
mystery... you just have to look at your entrée and find out what
ingredients are missing," Onion Lad said. "Now, my guess is that
Hot Dog Man had pictures of Sergio and his club. Pictures of Sergio
fraternizing with the guests... if you catch my drift."
"Then blackmailed him for it..." Teryaki Chick said. "Makes
"Right... he cleared off his debts and got a little spending
"What debts?" Teryaki Chick said.
"The ones I'm sure Weiner Boy and Frat Boy are going to find,"
Onion Lad said. "I'm getting a taste for the crime and looking for
missing ingredients ahead of time."
"What about Ben? And the stolen money? Why did Hot Dog Man take
it? Why not just give it to Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," Teryaki Chick said.
"Mystery ingredients," Onion Lad said. "Every chef's worst
In spite of his money problems, Jerry Lane had not gotten rid of his
overly abundant home in Net.tropolis Heights. It was not a mansion
per se, but an overpriced brick home in the suburbs located less than
fifteen hundred feet from a chi-chi shopping center with fine dining
locations, fancy clothing stores on the front side with a K-Mart, a
large chain grocery store and a Blockbuster Video on the opposite side.
The house had further superficiality to it. A small fountain with
nude cherubs shooting arrows at a naked woman that bore, due to either
clerical error or a rather vengeful sculpture, a disturbing resemblance
to Whistler's Mother. She was holding a clock above her head and
every day at noon, rain or shine, the sculpture squirted water from
every imaginable locale on the woman's body.
It usually rained down on Jerry's vintage DeLorean. Which in turn
meant he spent a fortune derusting the frame. It was really a
Yes, to solve his money problem he could have sold the house or the
car. The fountain was indeed movable but Jerry knew he'd never find
anyone crazy enough to buy it so he wouldn't even have bothered. In
fact, it was there when he bought the house. The buyer offered him a
discount on the building and he was unaware that the catch was that
he'd get stuck with it.
Jerry's bedroom was a wreck. It was practically a college dorm room
taken to an absurd level. Strange paintings and posters lined the
wall. Pizza boxes and bottles of soda and other things lined the
floor. The only thing missing was the unique mesh of gym socks and
weed that no more how much one tried to synthesis it for the home,
didn't seem to exist outside of university conditions.
Jerry Lane removed the painting of the Mona Lisa with wearing Groucho
glasses and fake mustache from the wall and revealed a large safe. He
opened in up and picked a suitcase of the floor and placed inside the
safe. The safe began to fill with a luminescent yellow light. Jerry
gasped as he spotted a yellow energy globe.
"I want my money, Lane!" the globe said.
"From this stupid fountain outside... the ugly one with the cherubs
and Whistler's Mom's naked body in the center... it all seems clear
to me. I know where things went wrong. I should never have gotten
into costumed crime fighting. The whole putting on a cape and
punching people in the face, sorta invites a morally ambiguous way of
thinking. Makes you question basic assumptions... stuff like should
an unjust law be upheld because it is the law or rallied against
because it's immoral. Should a super hero uphold the law or
justice? Now, these are indeed important social discussions, I'll
admit. But willingly putting yourself in position where you make
these decisions everyday- it's sort of setting yourself to be God.
How does one enforce their own personal agenda against thieves,
perverts, super villains and other scum of the Earth without becoming
just like them?"
"The truth is you can't. It's like that German guy whose name
I can't pronounce said: 'Don't go hunting monsters, lest you
become one'. And what does walking that thin line between hero and
villain get you? Beaten half to death in an ugly tacky fountain in
front of your own house. I hope none of the other heroes see me like
this," Hot Dog Man thought.
The flight thingee chose that moment to come down in the Jerry
Lane's drive followed rather quickly by they Teryakimobile.
"Oh shit!" he garbled through the water.
"All right people... Teryaki Chick and I will search the house.
Weiner Boy... do your medical stuff. Onion Lad... stay with him. We
might need your talent for the interrogation," Frat Boy said.
Frat Boy and Teryaki Chick went immediately upstairs. Based on the
information Weiner Boy had given them en route, they knew the only safe
in the house was upstairs. They entered Jerry's room. It reeked
of Chinese food and pizzas that probably hadn't been cleaned up since
the early days of the Clinton Administration. There were paintings and
posters on the wall as well, most of them reproductions of posters done
for Three Stooges shorts. The lights were left on and there were
large puddles of I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. A painting was
hinged open and so was a safe. The safe was empty. The trail of
yellow liquid ran all the way to a front facing window. Footprints
went every which way and there were even a few imprints from someone
"I'm no forensics expert, but I'd say my dad came through,
blasted Hot Dog Man and took the money. Hot Dog Man and Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter had some sort of struggle..."
Teryaki Chick said.
"Which caused him to do a triple summersault into that fountain?"
Frat Boy said. "Nice trick. I give it an eight point three."
"You're being overly generous," Teryaki Chick stated. "How
did he know to come here?"
"That's the sixty four thousand dollar question," said Frat Boy.
He looked out the windows. "Hey! Weiner Boy! You didn't happen
to come here recently did you?"
Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter entered Killfile base.
It room was completely gray. Flat screen monitors lined the wall and
in the dead center of the lobby was a pool table.
"Care for a game, Great Uncle," Modred said.
"A quick game couldn't hurt. I have to begin the real plan in a
few hours," he said. "Any word from Deliah?"
"The Ninja is dead," Modred said.
"Well... that was quick," Butter said.
He removed the plastic pyramid around the balls. He fired off the
cue ball, scattering the ball. Due to nothing but his own
incompetence he managed to scratch. Mordred gathered the other balls
and began the tedious process all over again.
"I do not understand the need for your side trip," Mordred said.
"It's simple. The same problem Hot Dog Man faced really. See,
the super villain headquarters, by its vary definition has to exceed
the capabilities of their morally inclined counterparts. We need to
upgrade our abode. After all, those good people are all into
outnumbering you or waiting till you have to take a trip to visit Uncle
John and then clobber you," Doctor
"That's never happened to you, has it?" Mordred said.
"Uh.... of course not," Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter
"Good... because I don't want to have to upgrade our crapper,"
Hot Dog Man tried to resist as the bittersweetness rubbed across his
mind. Then the excruciating agony. It was as if some emotions were
locked in his head and someone was trying to telepathically pick the
"I... I won't tell you anything!" Hot Dog Man said.
"Not even after everything we shared," Weiner Boy said.
"We shared nothing!" Hot Dog Man said.
Onion Lad walked up to Weiner Boy and whispered something in his ear.
"That's just might work," Weiner Boy said. "You have a sick,
sick, sick mind you know that?"
"What are you talking about?" Onion Lad said. "I remember
reading all about the Hot Dog Man and Weiner Boy in the newspaper.
You were one of all the time great love stories. When I found out
that one wasn't going to work.... it was more upsetting than the
"Lucy and Desi?" Weiner Boy said.
Hot Dog Man winced. That one did make him cry.
"Sonny and Cher?"
"What was wrong with you two? Sonny and Cher had all those songs.
That was a really great couple there," Hot Dog Man said.
"In your dreams, pal," Weiner Boy said.
"No... I always think history's true greatest love story..."
Onion Lad said.
" Romeo and Juliet?"
"No, Larry, Curly and Moe," Onion Lad said.
"You aren't implying..." said Hot Dog said.
"Why coitinly," Onion Lad said.
"No... Three Stooges were manly men. They hit each other and
stuff," Hot Dog Man said.
"Just an excuse to touch each other," Weiner Boy replied.
"They weren't.... were they?" Hot Dog Man said.
"Would it change how you felt about your DVD collection if they
were? Cause Frat Boy saw the reproduction 'Disorder in the Court'
poster in your room," Onion Lad said.
"Of course not! I love the Stooges. Ever since I was a child and
I'd go to watch TV after nursery school," Hot Dog Man said.
Onion Lad knew Hot Dog Man's guard was down. He tried his psychic
crying blast again. Hot Dog Man shot off his stretcher.
"Oh God! Oh God! I'm sorry... can you ever forgive me!" Hot
Dog Man asked.
"You killed people!" Weiner Boy said.
"But... but... I see I was wrong now..."
"They're still dead. It's not for me to decide which criminals
go free. No one person should do that. I learned that from you,"
Weiner Boy said.
There was a long silence between them.
"The-the stooges weren't... were they?" Hot Dog Man said.
"Not that I'm aware of... no," Weiner Boy said. "I mean Curly
and Moe were brothers. Most people still find incest distasteful."
The flight thingee took off into the sunset. Frat Boy and Weiner
Boy were in the back while Teryaki Chick and Onion Lad were piloting.
Onion Lad watched the various maps and communications monitors. There
was flash. The computer switched over to the signal almost
"We've got Ultimate Ninja coming in on channel three," said
"Hate to cut into to your joyride, kids. We've got a series of
problems here. We knew all available personnel at HQ ASAP," Ninja
"Gotcha boss. I'll get the FT to HQ after we go to BK and then
stop off at the post office to file those W-2s that I got extensions on
because I had to include my ill gotten gains from the KGB," Onion Lad
The Ninja scowled.
"I need all available personnel there pronto," Ninja said. "As
"Sheesh, you try to lighten things up," Onion Lad said.
"Come on, Onion Lad, the man just died," said Frat Boy.
"And he looks great, all things considered," Onion Lad replied.
"Due to personnel shortages, I'm giving field promotions to all
active probationary members. Teryaki Chick... if you want in the
LNH... the job is yours," Ninja said. "You too Weiner Boy... if
you want it."
"Sorry, Ninja, I'll have to decline. I have some things to take
care of. But I appreciate the offer," he said.
"I don't see what I did to deserve it. I mean Hot Dog Man is in
jail, but we didn't catch Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," Teryaki Chick said.
"You will... now if you'll excuse me... I have to go find Ultimate
Ninja before he does something stupid," Ninja said.
Sort of.... Catch Onion Lad and Teryaki Chick in Killfile Wars #4.
Then be back here next time for a spotlight on Teryaki Chick. .
Weiner Boy, Hot Dog Man and Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter
created by Dane Martin. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr. and
Dane Martin. Teryaki Chick, Vel and Mordred created by Jesse N.
Willey. Frat Boy created by Uplink. Ultimate Ninja created by wReam.
This document copyright Jesse N. Willey.
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