[LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #16
martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Tue Jun 6 02:22:30 PDT 2006
Legion of Net.Heroes Volume II #16
"40-year-old Ninja" by Martin Phipps
The War Room is the room where all the major
executive decisions are made at LNH HQ. Here, the LNH
Leadership decides how best to deal with potential
It's also where the weekly LNH poker game takes
"I'm out," said a dejected Sarcastic Lad."
"Me too," Special Bonding Boy said.
Master Blaster smiled. "I've got three fours."
"I can beat that!" Wikiboy said.
"No you can't," Master Blaster said.
"No," he said, his smile becoming a big grin.
"You've only got a pair of twos."
Wikiboy looked at his cards. "Damn."
Master Blaster started laughing.
"Rob, you're an @$$hole!"
Special Bonding Boy's eyes widenned. "Wikiboy,
please, you mustn't swear."
"Oh, don't worry," Master Blaster said as he
continued laughing, "he can't. He's incapable of
"Oh... fiddlesticks," Wikiboy said.
Tears ran down Master Blaster's face.
"Rob, you're... not nice."
Master Blaster started rolling on the floor.
"No! Really! You... not nice person."
Master Blaster sat down again. "I love this. Tell
you what. You can't swear, you don't drink, you don't
smoke and you never tell lies."
Wikiboy sighed. "Rob... you're a jerk!"
Now it was Sarcastic Lad who was laughing. "Hey,
Rob, you must be a jerk. He can't tell a lie,
Master Blaster nodded. "Okay. The last part about
not telling lies? I revert that. You can tell lies.
But you can't resist p*ssy. You love p*ssy. Seeing
p*ssy. Eating p*ssy. F--"
"Now hold on," Special Bonding Boy said in one of
his rare fits of, well, less than perfect calm,
"that's not very nice."
"Actually," Sarcastic Lad said, "Master Blaster is
just making Wikiboy a regular red blooded heterosexual
"Yeah," Master Blaster said. "And you're not gay.
Are you, Wikiboy?"
"If you say I'm not gay then I'm not gay," Wikiboy
"See?" Sarcastic Lad said. "So it's normal for him
to like p*ssy."
"Yeah," Master Blaster said, "don't you like p*ssy?"
"I happen to like people for who they are, not for
what's between their legs," Special Bonding Boy said
almost, but not quite, indignantly.
"Yeah, well," Master Blaster said, "excuse me for
having a normal interest in the opposite sex."
"Could we talk about something else?" Ultimate Ninja
asked. He had been sitting at the table this whole
time but he just hadn't said anything.
"You don't like this topic?" Sarcastic Lad asked.
"No," Ultimate Ninja said. "For that matter, I
don't like the two of you either. I don't know why I
invited you to this game."
"Hmm," mused Sarcastic Lad, "maybe it's because
Fearless Leader, Irony Man, Cheesecake Eater Lad and
Catalyst Lass all cancelled on you this week."
Master Blaster smiled. "Yeah. And meanwhile, Deja
Dude can't come because his wife doesn't want him
gambling." He laughed. "The guy is so whipped!"
Special Bonding Boy sighed. "Perhaps the guy
prefers to be with his wife and son."
"Yeah, well," Master Blaster said, smirking, "maybe
he's with his wife right now."
Sarcastic Lad laughed out loud. "Yeah and his son's
in the other room watching TV."
"I don't get it," Special Bonding Boy admitted.
"Me neither," Wikiboy said.
"Oh yes you do!" Master Blaster insisted.
"Okay," Wikiboy said, "I get it."
"You're not laughing."
"I get it... but I don't think its funny."
"Oh yes you do!"
Wikiboy started to laugh. He actually still didn't
think it was funny but, regardless, he couldn't help
Ultimate Ninja sighed. "Wikiboy, you don't think
anything they say his funny," he said, pointing to
Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad.
"Thank you, Sir," Wikiboy said.
"You don't have to be so formal," Ultimate Ninja
said. "This is a poker game."
Ultimate Ninja cringed. "On second thought, you
should call me 'Sir'."
"So what's the deal with you, boss?" Master Blaster
asked. "Are you are normal, red blooded, p*ssy
hunting American or what?"
"As I said before, I don't think this is an
"It's a friggin' poker game," Sarcastic Lad said.
"Anything goes. You said so yourself."
Ultimate Ninja sighed. "If you must know, years ago
when I was training to become the Ultimate Ninja, my
sensei back in Japan told me I had to give up three
things (as revealed in the recently reposted Mutton
Mania #12 --MFP)."
"What three things?" Wikiboy asked.
"Alcohol, caffeine... and women."
"Oh my," Special Bonding Boy said.
"@#$%!" Sarcastic Lad said.
"Geez!" Master Blaster said.
"Holy... cow," Wikiboy said.
Master Blaster sighed. "Okay, Wikiboy, you can
swear now. It was getting freakin' lame. You were
starting to sound like Burt Ward."
"But you don't call me that!"
"You son of a--"
"I'll revert you back!"
"So," Sarcastic Lad said, returning everyone back to
Ultimate Ninja's situation, "does that mean you're
"Yes," Ultimate Ninja said flatly.
"Well, okay," Sarcastic Lad said, "I mean you're
only thirty, right."
"Actually," Ultimate Ninja said, "I'm forty."
"Dear God!" Wikiboy said.
"A forty year guy who's never had sex?" Sarcastic
Lad mused for a moment. "Why does that concept sound
"You don't look forty," Special Bonding Boy said.
"Geez Louise!" Sarcastic Lad exclaimed. "He's
wearing a full face mask!"
"His eyes don't show his age I mean."
"His eyes don't show anything! He's a ninja!"
"Wait, wait, wait," Master Blaster said, "no booze?
I've seen you drink! I saw you drunk!"
Ultimate Ninja nodded. "And having drunk alcohol, I
lost my edge. Just when the LNH needed me (in the
aforementioned Mutton Mania cascade-- MFP)."
Sarcastic Lad nodded. "You know what they say.
Don't go around killing people drunk. There's a whole
campaign against it, sponsored by MADN, Mothers
Against Drunk Ninjas. I saw an ad in which an angry
mother claimed that her son was accidently killed by a
drunk ninja who had mistaken him for the target."
"I'm just getting started!"
"I've got a katana under my robes."
"Shutting up," Sarcastic Lad said quickly.
"But you're okay now," Master Blaster pointed out.
Ultimate Ninja nodded. "I renewed my training and
got back my edge. Yes."
"So there's no reason why you can't, you know, just
"No!" Special Bonding Boy said. "You need to have a
"No, you don't!" Sarcastic Lad said. "Just find
some skank and do the nasty with her."
"Look," Ultimate Ninja said, "I don't want to take
"Then use a condom," Master Blaster said quickly.
"That's not what I mean," Ultimate Ninja explained.
"The LNH needs me. I can't take the risk of my powers
failing me in a crisis."
"But you need a special someone," Special Bonding
"Yeah," Sarcastic Lad said, "or else from where will
come the next generation of ninjas?"
"Maybe," Ultimate Ninja said, "but no sex."
"That's asking a lot," Master Blaster said. "No
sex. That's taking all the fun out of the
"Not all," Special Bonding Boy insisted. "There's
"Please," Master Blaster said, "you're getting me
"He means please continue," Sarcastic Lad quipped.
"Maybe you can try meeting somebody at a
date-a-thon," Special Bonding Boy suggested.
"It's where you date about twenty women in one hour.
You switch partners every time the bell rings,"
Wikiboy explained. "I saw it in a movie once."
"Sounds like something out an Arlie Fetulus movie,"
Sarcastic Lad quipped.
"You should try that," Master Blaster suggested.
"What do you have to lose? You can even be honest and
tell her the whole no-sex-because-you're-a-ninja
"Yeah," Sarcastic Lad said. "The women will be all
"Fine. Whatever. Let's just get back to the game,"
Ultimate Ninja said impatiently.
"Hey!" Master Blaster said. "I almost forgot about
the game! So, boss, what do you have?"
Ultimate Ninja smiled. "A full house. Aces and
The next day, at the date-a-thon.
"Does wReanna know you're here?" Sarcastic Lad
"Of course," Master Blaster said, "I told her that I
was here to help the boss, not pick up women. She
trusts me one hundred percent."
"No. Not really. I told her we were out playing
another game of poker. Don't say anything to her.
"You loan me the latest Arlie Fertulus DVD."
"Underwear Revolution or Ultraviolation?"
Special Bonding Boy came back from talking to the
manager. "He says there's not enough guys. He wants
to know if three more of us can join in."
"Not me," Master Blaster said, "wReanna would kill
me if she found out. Besides, I'd be building these
poor women's hopes up and would then have to tell them
I was married."
"I feel so sorry for those poor desperate women,"
Sarcastic Lad quipped. "Okay, I'm in. Wikiboy?"
"I don't know," Wikiboy said.
"Oh come on," Special Bonding Boy said, "you'll help
us out, won't you?"
"Of course!" Wikiboy said, having been affected by a
combination of his own power and Special Bonding Boy's
"Let's get this over with," Ultimate Ninja said.
Sarcastic Lad went in, sat down and looked around at
the selection, so to speak. He wasn't impressed.
A woman sat down across from him. "What's with the
spandex costume?" she asked.
"I'm a net.hero," he explained, "a member of the
"Hmm," she said, "not exactly my thing."
"Yeah, well," Sarcastic Lad said, "layers and layers
of rolling fat isn't exactly my thing either, lady. I
think we can all consider ourselves lucky that you're
not into wearing spandex."
Special Bonding Boy smiled at the woman across from
"What's your name?"
"Mary. And you are...?"
"Just call me Special Bonding Boy. Everybody does."
"Special Bonding Boy?"
"Yes. I'm a net.hero. A member of the LNH."
"What's your power?"
"I love everybody."
"What's wrong? You look uncomfortable?"
"No. No. It's okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Well... it's just that... I mean... are you telling
me you're bisexual?"
"Huh? Oh no no no. I mean I'm able to defeat
villains through the force of my love."
"It just all sounds... I don't know... a bit
"What's your name?" a woman asked.
"What do you want my name to be?" Wikiboy asked.
"I mean if you decide my name is Bob then that's my
"Oh wait. I forgot! I can only be editted by a
fellow LNH member now."
"Okay, that's it, I'm out of here! I'm moving to
the next table!"
"Okay, it's like this," Ultimate Ninja said, "I'm
the Ultimate Ninja but you can call me Lenny. I don't
like the name Lenny but I don't like being called
'Ninj' either. That really annoys me. Now, let's
see, I don't smoke, I don't drink, not even cola
drinks, just water and juice for me. I hope that's
not a problem. Anyway, the fact is we'd have to take
things slow at first because my sensei told me I
shouldn't have sex if I don't want to risk losing my
powers but I figure, maybe, once in a while is okay as
long as it doesn't wear me out. Any questions?"
"Yeah," the woman said, "what's with the face mask?"
A hour later...
"So how did everybody do?" Wikiboy asked.
"No luck for me," Special Bonding Boy said. If he
was the slightest bit upset there was no way to tell
because he still had the same big wide smile that he'd
had on his face for as long as anybody could remember.
"This was a complete waste of time," Ultimate Ninja
"I don't know about that," Sarcastic Lad said, "I
picked up a dozen phone numbers today."
"Really?" Wikiboy asked.
Sarcastic Lad shrugged his shoulders. "A lot of
girls go for my bad boy image," he said with a smile.
Master Blaster and Deja Dude created by Martin
Ultimate Ninja and Special Bonding Boy created by
Wikiboy created by Tom Russell
Sarcastic Lad created by Gary St. Lawrence
(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 MARTIN PHIPPS
A member of the LNH since 1998,
PANTS RABBIT LAD took his own life
in HAIKU GORILLA # 119-120. Now,
let us look back on the career of
this under-appreciated legionnaire,
as we present one of the many
UNTOLD TALES OF PANTS RABBIT LAD!
Pants Rabbit Lad in
" American Pine " (by Tom Russell)
"Hey there, Pants Rabbit Lad!" says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad as he walks
down the hall, flanked on either side by Ike, the
Talking Pike and Namedropper Lad. "Say, did you hear
about Jason Biggs Lad?"
"I never even heard of him," says Pants Rabbit Lad.
"I have," began Namedropper Lad.
"Apparently, his dad caught him humping a tree."
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad chuckles.
"Now, that's what I call a woody scandal!"
"The last time I talked with Oliver Sacks," says
Namedropper Lad with a snooty snort, "he said that
that particular fetish is referred to as
"Geez!" laments Pants Rabbit Lad. "Everyone seems
to be getting action but me!"
"What do you mean?" says
"I mean... I'm still a virgin," says Pants Rabbit
"What? Strapping young twig like you?" chides Ike
the Talking Pike. "Why?"
"Well, it could be because I have crabs."
The group takes a collective step away from Pants
"Don't feel so bad," says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad, without
venturing any closer. "To tell you the truth, we're
"Not me," says Namedropper Lad.
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad and Ike
stare at him skeptically.
"Well, I wanked off once to a picture of Gail
Simone. Does that count?"
"No, Namedropper Lad. It doesn't," says Ike.
"I've got an idea!" says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad. "Why don't
we all, the four of us, make a pact: no matter what,
this summer, we're going to lose our virginity!"
"So, gentlemen?" says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad, grinning like
a fox. "How did you all make out?"
"Well," says Namedropper Lad, thumping his chest,
"I had a very exhausting summer. A summer I spent in
the company of Julia Stiles, sexy, head-bobbing star
of this summer's big hit, SAVE THE LAST DANCE. And...
need I say more...?"
"Well," says Ike. "Did you do it?"
"Wait, wait, wait," says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad. "What 'it'
did you do?"
"Um... I tried to kiss her and she slapped me."
"Well, suffice to say, I've got you beat," says
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad. "I, too,
spent the summer in the company of Julia Stiles."
"And...?" says Namedropper Lad, always ready for
"She slapped me. Twice."
"Come on, guys. I'm a fish, for chrissakes. An
"Which leaves you, Pants Rabbit Lad."
Pants Rabbit Lad sighs. "Well, as you know... I've
got crabs. And, uh, so... well, that's about it,
"So you didn't...?"
"Not even a slap."
"Because you have..."
"Crabs, yeah. Can we talk about something else
"This is almost as anti-climactic as JOURNEY INTO
IRRELEVANCY," laments Ike, in reference to the series
in which he first appeared.
"I agree," says Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better
Lad. "Man. I've had some bad days since I joined the
Legion, but this one is so disappointing, that it
would have to rank as the worst day ever. In fact, I
can't imagine there ever being a day after this one
that's worse than today, the tenth of September."
Anything-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better Lad: Slash
Ike, Namedropper Lad, Pants Rabbit Lad: Tom Russell.
(C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.
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