[REPOST/LNH] Saviors of the Net #13: 'Mutton Mania, Epi-Epilogue'

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at earthlink.net
Fri Jun 2 17:55:04 PDT 2006

Oh BTW Russ... Could you put this in the Saviors of Net part of the
archive?  I think it belongs more there than it does with the
Mutton Mania stuff.

Or perhaps put a note pointing out that the Mutton Mania
series takes place inbetween Saviors #12 and #13...


And now onto...

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Date: 19 Feb 2000 19:40:47 -0000
From: marcs at wam.umd.edu (Marc Singer)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
Subject: Re: [LNH] Mutton Mania, Epi-Epilogue, and Chapter 13 of ...?

In article <38AE1FC5.51AB at shore.net>, Rob Rogers  <rogersr at shore.net> wrote:
>    Onion Lad reached into the breast pocket of his jacket,
>removing a short, green kiwi feather.  He sashayed up to the now
>speechless woman and slowly, delicately, brushed the feather
>against the fine white hairs of the woman's throat.  She
>swooned, and Onion Lad rushed forward to catch her just in time.
>    "Hold my calls, Fred," Onion Lad said, as he carried the
>woman through the lobby's revolving doors.  "I may be out for
>a while tonight."
>    THE END...?

    Fred had already been disturbed enough by the headquarters full
of sheep, the litigious kiwis, Onion Lad getting a date with a potentially
underaged girl.  He was already getting ready to call in the LNH's special
"Statutory Squad" when a street crazy wandered into the lobby.

    "Sorry, sir," Fred droned, waving for the unshaven, vile-smelling
man to leave.  "This cascade's already over, nothing to see--"

    "Over?  You think it's really *over*?"  The street crazy dropped
his THE END AIN'T HERE sign and shambled over to Fred, grabbing him by
his wide polyester lapels.  "It's only just *resumed*!"

    "R-r-really, sir?  How fascinating."  Fred tried to covertly press
the security alert button, but activated his chair's 'magic fingers'
instead.  Jiggling unpleasantly, Fred said, "Do tell me more."

    "Don't patronize me, you little brat!  Don't you recognize me?"
The hobo pushed his weather-blasted, toothless face up into Fred's.
"Don't you recognize the once-noble visage of the Ultimate Savior?"

    The name sounded achingly familiar, but Fred couldn't place it.
"Wasn't he, like, the Ultimate Ninja from that square planet where they
did everything backw--"

    Disgusted, the hobo shoved Fred back into his chair.  "Bring me
Doctor Stomper or the Ninja!  *They'll* understand!"

    "Oh, I'll bring you *something*," Fred muttered, pressing the
security alert button.  With uncommon--some might say flat-out
impossible--efficiency, an assortment of nets, cables, and tethers grabbed
the raving bum.  Fred chuckled and programmed them to drag the bum off
to a holding cell.

    "You fool!" the bum screamed as the cables pulled him across the
newly-polished lobby floor.  "Find Stomper and the Ninja!  Ask them about
what's been going on here!  Ask them about the boy-band fans turning
into literal sheep..."  His voice rose as he was pulled further and
further down the hall.  "Ask them about Opinionated Lad embodying the
opinions of the entire Internet..."  He rose to a manic intensity as he
was flung into an empty security cell.  "Ask them if all of 'Mutton Mania'
didn't seem like... an ALLEGORY..."

    The cell door slammed shut.

    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

    Elsewhere, the Lords of Retcon were sitting back for a well-
deserved cup of tea and their monthly strategy meeting.

    "So what's up with Hawkman?" said Bill.  "I move we reveal
he's the long-lost sun of an alien lawman who was bitten by an
interstellar corps of radioactive exploding planets... say, is it getting
hot in here?"

    "That's okay," said Dave, "I'll just retcon the heater down...

    One by one, the Lords of Retcon were consumed by flame.
Desperately trying to retcon themselves to safety, they were powerless.
Begging for mercy to the two mighty metal legs that crashed through the
roof, they were unheard.  Colossal robotic fists reached down and crushed
the Lords of Retcon like the failed vassals that they were... and always
had been.  Actually, it looked kind of like an old Queen album cover.

    The last of the Lords of Retcon died, leaving only the victorious,
inhuman form of the Mechanical Author.


    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

Author's note--Well, now I've gone and done it.  The first (and only?)
thing I've written for LNH and it goes and stirs up a whole new hornet's
nest.  But I thought of this several days ago and was just waiting for
"Mutton Mania" to reach its own conclusion before popping this new
revelation on you.  I always did want to see Saviors brought to a proper
ending, and the allegory thing seemed relevant...  I would love to see
this actually turn into a true conclusion of the Saviors story (rather
than lots of people retconning each other; as far as I'm concerned, Mutton
Mania all happened, just with the Mechanical Author's evil influence
behind certain parts of it.)

I have no idea who created anybody.  Well, I assume Ultimate Savior was
created by Arthur Spitzer.  Last seen in Saviors of the Net #12.

Bill and Dave were created by Jess Willey and last seen in Saviors of the
Net #13 (sneaky sneaky).

The Mechanical Author and the brilliant allegory idea created by Steven
Howard, I think.

NEXT TIME: Saviors of the Net #14
           by Marc Singer

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