[LNH] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #12

[Martin Phipps]

  "Hey!  Dude!"
  "Yeah, Rob?"
  "We need to get going!  The movie starts in ten
minutes!"
  "I'll go get my jacket."
  "Dude!  Forget the jacket!  It's 35 degrees!"
  "But it's almost evening."
  "Dude!"
  "Alright!  But, you know Rob, we don't have to hurry
so much: I can teleport us there in an instant."
  "Dude, I don't want to miss the trailers!  We need
to get going right now!"
  "Going where?"
  "Oh!  Fearless Leader!  Master Blaster and I are
going to see a movie."
  "You two are on duty until 8:00.  That's when Late
Night Lad takes over your shift."
  "But the movie starts at 8:00!" Master Blaster
protested.
  "Do I need to remind you how I became second in
command again?"
  "Um... because two of the Ultimate Ninjas died?"
Deja Dude suggested.
  "Exactly!  And I won't have any more deaths on my
watch!"
  "You know," Master Blaster whispered, "I wish Sarc
were here right now, because he could say something
about him having seen the whole Legion get killed
off."
  "Probably just as well," Deja Dude whispered back. 
"Anyway, I guess we won't be seeing that movie."
  "Sure we will!"
  "How?"
  "We'll show up at around eight o'clock, see the end
of the movie and then sit through the credits and the
trailers and then see the movie from the beginning and
walk out when we get to the part where we came in!"
  "Might that not spoil the movie for us?  I mean, I
did that with the movie Sixth Sense.  Big mistake!"
  "Don't worry!" Master Blaster said with a reassuring
smile.  "This is a Keith Jones movie!  Keith Jones
movies don't have plot!  It's all dialogue!  It's like
watching a Quintin Tarentino movie except nothing ever
actually happens."
  "Um... maybe this isn't my kind of movie."
  "Are you kidding?!  Keith Jones rocks!  You've got
to see this movie!"
  "Okay."  Deja Dude sighed.  "I guess if we do it
your way then we'll be out of there by ten."

An hour later...

  "Hey!  Dude!"
  "I know.  It's eight already."
  "Let's go!"  Master Blaster mused for a moment.  "Do
you think you could teleport us directly into the
theatre?"
  "Hell no!" Deja Dude said.  "That would be
dishonest: we're going to buy tickets like anybody
else!"  Deja Dude waved his hands and they appeared at
the ticket booth outside the theatre.  "Two tickets
for Jerks II," Deja Dude said.
  "That will be sixteen dollars," the woman in the
booth said.
  "Geez!"
  "Movies are always more expensive on opening night,"
Master Blaster explained.
  "Okay, fine," Deja Dude said, handing over a twenty.
  "Here's your change," the woman said with a smile.
  "I'll pay you back," Master Blaster said.
  "You'd better!" Deja Dude insisted.
  Just as Deja Dude and Master Blaster were walking
into the lobby, a man walked out of the theatre where
Jerks II was playing.  "I just watched almost a whole
hour of Jerks II," he said, "and that was enough! 
I've never walked out on a movie before... but I don't
have to see the rest of the movie to know I'm not
going to like it... so why bother?"
  "Hey... who is that guy?" Deja Dude asked.  "He
looks familiar."
  "You're right!" Master Blaster said.  "That's Joseph
Gale, the guy who does movie reviews for Good Morning
Ame.rec.a!"
  "And he just walked out on Jerks II?!"
  "Yeah!" Master Blaster said with scorn.  "How
unprofessional!"
  "I don't know.  Walking out is a review in itself. 
I mean there's four stars, two stars, no stars and I
couldn't even stick around to see the end of it
because it was that bad!"
  "Yeah, well, how does he know the movie doesn't get
better?"
  "Does it matter?  I mean... he sat through half the
movie.  How far into a movie do you have to watch
before deciding that it's not worth watching?"
  "On TV?  About a second.  But that's because I've
got about eighty channels to choose from."
  "Exactly," Deja dude said, looking around, "and who
says we have to watch this movie if Joseph Gale says
it's a pile of festering crap?  Why, look, Uma
Thurman's got a new movie out!"
  "'I Dated a Neta.human'?"  Master Blaster shook his
head.  "Looks like a chick flick."
  "Yeah, well, she was good in the LNH movie.  Let's
go see that instead."
  "Dude, we are here to see Jerks II and that's what
we're going to see!"
  "Tell you what," Deja Dude decided, "you go see
Jerks II and I'll see I Dated a Neta.human and we'll
meet back here."
  "Fair enough!"

Two hours later...

  "Hey!  Rob!"
  "Hey."
  "Uh oh.  It sucked, didn't it?"
  "Actually, it was rather funny."
  "But?"
  "You know, there's a fine line between sexism and
misogony."
  "And Keith Jones crossed the line?"
  "He drove over it with a bulldozer."
  "How so?"
  "Well... um... did you stick an Acraphobe label on
this issue?"
  "No."
  "Okay.  Come here."  Deja Dude stepped forward and
Master Blaster whispered in his ear to describe the
sort of dialogue that was in the movie.  "And that's
probably why Joseph Gale walked out."
  "He didn't like the bad language?"
  "Dude, it was more than just the language.  It's
like looking in a mirror and not liking what you see. 
People say I'm a pig and -granted- I am but, Dude, I
love women.  I don't cross the line."
  "And you figure Joseph Gale feels the same way?"
  "Dude, look at it this way.  Imagine three girls
walking out of Jerks II."
  Master Blaster went on to act out the scene.
  "'Those guys were pigs!'
  "'Yeah.  Guys are pigs!'
  "'I hear you!'
  "'The things they said were so offensive!'
  "'Definitely!'
  "'You got that right!'
  "'Guys don't really think that way about women, do
they?'
  "'Girl, they all do!
  "'That's a fact!'
  "'I'm never going to go out with a guy ever again!'
  "'Me neither!'
  "'I'm giving up men for good!'
  "'Say!  Want to have a lesbian threeway?'
  "'Do I ever!'
  "'Let's go!'"
  Master Blaster nodded sadly.  "And while such a
threeway may be fun to watch, the fact is that we have
three more women who will never go out with a guy
again.  Now, just look at Joseph Gale!  He's not the
handsomest guy out there!  It must be hard enough for
him finding somebody without girls giving up on men
altogether like that!"
  Deja Dude was sceptical.  "Rob, as a single man,
you'd go from woman to woman to woman.  You don't
think you might have treated any of them badly?"
  Master Blaster shook his head.  "Dude, I've been in
situations where I've taken on many women at once."
  Deja Dude nodded.  "You and Sarcastic Lad."
  "Dude, Sarc, he's a great guy, but he couldn't keep
up with me.  You know what I mean?"
  "I know.  You don't have to explain.  No Acraphobe
label, remember?"
  "I think if I can satisfy five women then I can
satisfy one.  It's all about meeting the woman -or
women-'s needs.  Now, the sort of things they talked
about in this movie, it was all about degrading women
and, somehow -don't ask me how-, there are guys,
presumably including Keith Jones himself, who get off
on this sort of thing."
  "I know what you mean."
  "I mean, it's one thing for Cheryl Ladd to appear in
a skimpy costume on Charlie's Angels but it's
altogether a different thing when Cheryl Laid is made
to do something degrading in some video and then your
wife says 'Rob, why did you rent this filth?' and then
you know you're not getting anything, maybe not for a
while!'"
  "Too much information!"
  "I'm just saying that a good porno can be used to
enhance the mood."
  Deja Dude nodded firmly.  "I'm always telling Imelda
that!"  He sighed sadly.
  "But the kind of dialogue you'd hear in Jerks II, it
just kills the mood.  And it isn't even a porno!  This
is a mainsteam movie for Heaven's sake!"
  "So it's not a date movie."
  "Definitely not."
  "On the other hand, Rosario Dawson sure is hot!  You
could always wait and rent it on video and watch it
with the sound turned down!"
  "Oh!  Definitely!  I'd say that'd be our
recommendation!"
  "Then we're done here!"
                    
                        THE END

Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by me.
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam
Fearless Leader created by Dave Van Domelan.

Martin

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