[LNH] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #11

[Martin Phipps]

  "Hello, everybody, I'm Deja Dude!"
  "And I'm Master Blaster!"
  "Rob, I just saw Superman Returns."
  "How was it?"
  "Well... it was a bit long."
  "Really?"
  "Which is funny because people were complaining that
X-Men 3 was too short."
  "Well, the average movie is two hours so half an
hour here or there and people will complain either
way."
  "True.  But halfway through Superman Returns my son
was saying 'Daddy, can we go home now?'"
  "Hmm.  Not a good sign."
  "He did like it when Superman flew though."
  "Okay."
  "But the ending wasn't as spectacular as it could
have been."
  "Don't spoil it for me!"
  "Don't worry.  It was a bit of a letdown."
  "How so?"
  "Superman heaves this big rock into space and then
has it float away."
  "So?"
  "So if _you_ pick up a rock and let it go, what
happens?"
  "It falls down."
  "Right.  So if Superman raises a big rock into space
and lets go then it should have fallen down and landed
in Metropolis and killed millions of people."
  "But, Dude, he's Superman!"
  "So?  Does the rock have the ability to fly too?  It
has to obey the laws of physics even if Superman
doesn't!"
  "Dude, you're _way_ too anal about physics mistakes!
 I saw what you did to that story Tom Russell wrote. 
Dude... I think you made the poor guy cry!"
  "Rob, it's my job!  I'm a--"
  "Rob!"
  "Martin!"
  "Oh, hey Dude, it's my wife, wReanna!"
  "And my wife, Imelda."
  "Rob, you're spending too much time sitting around
watching movies!"
  Master Blaster nodded.  "You're not the first to
tell me that."
  "You need to exercise, oi!" Imelda said to her
husband.
  "Exercise will help you stay in shape," wReanna
added.
  "What do you suggest?" Deja Dude asked.
  "Basketball," Imelda suggested.
  Master Blaster nodded.  "Fair enough.  Care for a
little one-on-one?  Mano-a-mano?"
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Okay."

  Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #11
             "The Substitutes"

  Master Blaster through the ball at the basket.  It
went straight through the basket and made a swoosh
sound as it glided by the net.
  "Alright!" Master Blaster said.  "I'm in the zone!"
  Deja Dude grabbed the ball.  He took a shot.  He
missed.
  "Dude, you're not in the zone."
  Deja Dude grabbed the ball on the rebound.  He took
another shot.  He missed again.
  "Dude, have you ever even been to the zone?"
  "Okay, okay," Deja Dude said, throwing the ball over
to him.  "You try."
  Master Blaster took another shot.  It bounced off
the backboard, hit the rim of the basket and then
rebounded wildly.
  "Oooh!  Almost!"
  "Ha!" Deja Dude said.  "You're not in the zone!"
  "Dude, I am positioned immediately outside of the
zone!  You, meanwhile, are located way out in the
countryside in a small town where they've never even
heard of the zone!"
  Deja Dude picked up the ball.  "Oh, really?"  He
took another shot.  It went in.  "How's that?"
  "Okay," Master Blaster said, "but you're just
visiting the zone."  He caught the ball on the rebound
and threw it back to Deja Dude.  "Try again."
  Deja Dude tried again and missed.
  "There.  See?  Now, with enough practice, you can
not only get back into the zone but maybe even find a
nice place in the zone to settle down and then start
taking up permanent residence in the zone."
  "Practice?" Deja Dude asked.  "You think we should
do this everyday?"
  "Why not?"
  "Well, it's just that there are more important
things to do."
  "You mean like protecting Net.ropolis and the
Looniverse at large from threats to its very
existance?"
  "Actually, I was thinking I hadn't seen the Pirates
of the Carribean sequel yet."
  "Dude, how is that important?"
  Deja Dude looked shocked.  "If we don't watch and
review movies then... who will?!"

  "Hi, I'm Catherine List, also known as Catalyst
Lass!"
  "And I'm Jean Nicieza, also known as Ordinary Lady!"
  "Today, we're going to count down the top ten most
romantic movies of all time!"
  "Oh!  I love romantic movies!"
  "Me too!  Number ten is Ghost."
  "Oh, absolutely!  Patrick Swayze!  Demi Moore! 
Yum!"
  "Patrick Swayze's character comes back from the dead
to save his wife from the men who killed him!"
  "I just loved the pottery scene!"
  "And the scene where he possessed Whoopi Goldberg's
character!"
  "Absolutely!"
  "Number nine is Pretty Woman."
  "Oh my God!  Richard Gere!  Julia Roberts!"
  "Richard Gere's character picks up Julia Roberts'
character on Hollywood Boulevard and ends up hiring
for the whole week."
  "They're one mistake: kissing on the lips!"
  "Indeed.  Number eight is The Bridges of Madison
County."
  "Oh yes!  Clint Eastwood!  Meryl Streep!"
  "Clint Eastwood's character comes to Madison County
to take pictures of the bridges for an article in
National Geographic.  Meryl Streep's character doesn't
want him to leave... but she has to let him go for the
sake of her marriage."
  "That one made me cry."
  "Me too.  Number seven is Titanic!"
  "Aha!  Leonardo Depaprio!  Kate Winslet!"
  "Leonardo Decaprio's character comes from a
different world from Kate Winslet's character, a world
of poverty and freedom in contrast to her world of
riches and appearances.  She finds their relationship
both an exciting adventure and exciting forbidden
fruit!"
  "I loved the scene where they made love in the car!"
  "Indeed.  Have you ever gotten so hot and heavy with
a guy that you generated steam?"
  Ordinary Lady mused for a moment.  "Once."
  "With your husband?"
  "I'm not telling," Ordinary Lady said with a wink.
  "I see.  Number six is Sleepless in Seatle."
  "Without a doubt!  Tom Hanks!  Meg Ryan!"
  Catalyst Lass tilted her head to one side and gave
Ordinary Lady a quizzical look.  "You're agreeing with
everything I say."
  "Well, that is your power."
  "I'm not trying to use my power on you."
  "Don't you do it automatically?  I mean, if you're
giving your opinions, don't you want people to agree."
  "I suppose so, but if you disagree then please say
so.  You don't have to agree with absolutely
everything I say."
  "Oh but I do!  I guess we're just both experts in
this subject."
  "Perhaps," Catalyst Lass conceded.  "Tell you what,
then, I'll let you count down the other five."
  "Really?"
  "Sure."
  "Okay, let me think."
  "Take your time."
  "This is being posted on a comics related newsgroup,
right?"
  "So the top five most romantic movies should be the
comic book movies."
  "Well... not necessarily.  What movies did you have
in mind?"
  "How about the original Superman at number five?"
  "Maybe."
  "Sure!  That was the one where Clark and Lois first
met and also the one where they first flew together."
  "Okay."
  "Number four would be Superman II."
  "How so?"
  "That was the one where Clark gave up his powers to
be with Lois."
  "Okay.  I'll give you that one.  Even Patrick
Swayze's character didn't give up that much for Demi
Moore's.  I mean, he was already dead.  Leonardo
Decaprio's character made a similar choice for Kate
Winslet's though, what with him dying in the end and
all."
  "Number three would be Superman Returns."
  "Really?"
  "Sure.  Superman Returns after five years and tries
to get back with Lois but he can't because she's
already engaged to Richard Perry."
  "But if he loved her then why did he leave in the
first place?"
  "He went back to Krypton to find out if there were
any other survivors.  People like himself.  In the
end, he found just such a person, back on Earth."
  "Okay.  But when he comes back he goes to her house,
he visits her at work, it's like he's a super stalker.
 He even eavesdrops on her conversations at work. 
It's creepy."
  "There was an aspect of that.  They handled it
subtly and showed Lois a bit uncomfortable with
Superman for that very reason."
  "You mean when they flew past her house?"
  "Exactly!  How did he know where she lived?  It
creeped her out.  It was very well done."
  "I'll give you that."
  "Anyway, number two would be Spiderman."
  "Spiderman?"
  "For the upside down kiss alone."
  "Alright.  And number one?"
  "Spiderman II."
  "Spiderman II?"
  "Peter Parker decides to give up being Spiderman so
he can be with Mary Jane."
  "Isn't that the same story as Superman II?"
  "Yes, but whereas Superman magically made Lois
forget about him at the end of Superman II, Mary Jane
ends up breaking up with J. Jonah Jameson's son at the
end of Spiderman II and tells Peter he can continue
being Spiderman and it won't prevent them from being a
couple.  It was a better ending."
  "True.  Say, Mary Jane was going to marry the son of
Peter's boss in Spiderman II, right?"
  "Yeah."
  "So Lois Lane was going to marry the son of Clark's
boss in Superman Returns."
  "Oh yeah."
  "And they both work at newspapers."
  "True.  And the Spiderman teaser trailer was shown
at theatres with Superman Returns so they must be
aware of the fact that the two franchises share the
same audience."
  "Oh no doubt!"
  "Hey!  What's going on?"  Deja Dude and Master
Blaster just got back from playing basketball.  They
were still wearing shorts, T-shirts and sneakers and
Deja Dude was still carrying the basketball.
  "Dude, I think they were reviewing movies."
  "But... that's our job!"
  "Okay," Ordinary Lady said, "so what do you consider
to be the world's most romantic movie of all time?"
  "That's easy," Deja Dude said.  "The World of Suzie
Wong."
  "Never heard of it," Catalyst Lass said.
  "Really?  It came out in the sixties but it was on
Cinemax recently (or at least it did in the
Philippines).  William Holden starred as a man who
travelled from America to Hong Kong looking for a
better life and Nancy Kwan starred as the woman who he
picked up at a bar and fell in love with.  This was
thirty years before Pretty Woman, by the way."
  Master Blaster started laughing.  "Dude!  That's so
frickin' lame!  What kind of guy would travel half way
around the world and marry a woman he meets in a bar!"
  Deja Dude resisted the urge to hit his friend in the
face.  Besides, he didn't want to have to drop the
ball.
  "So, Rob, what do _you_ consider to be the most
romantic movie of all time?"  Catalyst Lass didn't
like Master Blaster.  At least, she didn't in the
stories that Martin wrote.  Whoa.  90s LNH flashback!
  "That's easy," Rob said.  "Truck Stop Angel."
  "Truck Stop Angel?"
  "Who's in it?" Ordinary Lady asked.
  "I don't remember," Master Blaster admitted, "but it
was really good."
  "How was it romantic?" Catalyst Lass asked.
  "Well, the most romantic scene would have been the
one in the front seat of the truck.  I mean, it can't
be very comfortable in the front seat of a truck. 
But, hey, there was nobody else around and it would
have spoiled the mood if they'd gone to a hotel
room..."
  "Wait," Catalyst Lass said, interupting, "is this a
porn movie you're talking about?"
  "Yeah."
  "That's not romantic."
  "How so?  
  "It just isn't."
  "How do you know?  Did you see it?"
  "Actually," Deja Dude said, "I've seen that movie
too and he's right: it's a good scene."
  Catalyst Lass sighed.  "Not having seen the movie in
question, I'll concede that the movie might qualify as
a romantic movie... although, to be honest, we
actually had mainstream movies in mind."
  "Well, that's just you using your own criteria.  Me?
 I happen to enjoy a more graphic portrayal of human
intimacy."
  "Hmm," Deja Dude said.  "This is getting to be a bit
awkward."
  "Agreed," Catalyst Lass said.
  "So let's wrap this up.  I'm Deja Dude."
  "I'm Master Blaster."
  "I'm Catalyst Lass."
  "And I'm Ordinary Lady."
  "Hey, wait," Master Blaster said, "are they going to
be in this series from now on?  I mean, I thought it
was just going to be you and me!"
  Deja Dude sighed.  "You now have your own series of
Specials written by Tom Russell, remember?  Don't be
greedy!"

                        THE END

Ordinary Lady, Deja Dude and Master Blaster created by
me.
Catalyst Lass created by Elizabeth Rida.
Sister State-the-Obvious created by wReam.

Martin

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