[LNH/Meta] The Peelix the Cat: Broken Heart's Valentine's Day Special

cabbagewielder at yahoo.com cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Tue Jan 31 18:25:22 PST 2006

The Peelix the Cat: Broken Heart's Valentine's Day Special
Killfile Warts
By Jesse N. Willey and Jesse N. Willey

The room was black.    The lights went up a small set appeared.  There
was a table and two chairs in front of a glass window.  One behind the
desk and one directly to the left of the desk.   To the right of the
desk was a small orchestra pit.   Onion Lad stood there.

	"Good night folks and welcome to 'The Peelix the Cat Valentine's
Day Special.   Our guest tonight is Jesse N. Willey.   So many of our
loyal fans, and Saxon Brenton, wrote in complaining Mister Willey
didn't get grilled during our run on network TV,"  Onion Lad said.
 "Now without further ado...... Here's Peelix!"

	There was a loud bang, like a cannonball being fired.   The glass
window shattered and Peelix came rocking through it.   He walked over
to the orchestra pit and peed in the saxophone.

           "Greetings folks... welcome to our Broken Heart's
Valentine's Day special.  We're airing it early so the three of you
with things to do can watch it.   If we aired it on time... we'd have
low ratings and this fine premium cable channel wouldn't let us come
back for another one of these specials next Christmas.    We've got a
horrible guest tonight, Mister Jesse N. Willey.    But first, I want to
say something.   Something deep and from the heart," Peelix said.
	"Yes," Peelix said.  "You see... I'm in love."

	The small audience gasped.

	"Who's the lucky girl?" Onion Lad asked.
	"It's not a girl," Peelix said.
	"Don't tell me... you're dating Frat Boy."
	"No..." he said.  "I'm in love...."
	"Don't leave us in suspense..."
	"I'm in love with Mrs. Smith's Dutch Apple Pie for sponsoring
the podcast of this very show.    No, if you guys would be nice enough
to make the check out to CASH..." Peelix said.  "Anyway, our guest
tonight is the author of the Raccie nominated series 'Road To
Killfile Wars' and its upcoming sequel Killfile Wars.   Here's a


	Doctor Stomper, Vel and Doctor Ja'Khaleem operated on Ultimate
Ninja.  Blood slowly transfused through the ninja's unconscious body.
  The heart monitors beeping became slow and erratic.    The door
behind them opened.   Onion Lad walked in.

	"There's a telegram for you, sirs," Onion Lad said.
	"We're a little busy-can you read it later?" Vel said.
	"It's important," Onion Lad muttered.
	"Then go on ahead," Stomper said.

	Onion Lad coughed.   A soft frown formed on his face as he stared down
at the print out.

	"Ultimate Ninja's helicoptor....... was shot down over the sea of
Japan," Onion Lad said.   "It... it spun out.......... There were
no survivors."


            "What the fuck was that?" Peelix shouted.
            "Goodbye, Henry," Jess said.

            Jesse smiled and laughed at the camera.

           "Look Willey, I don't want any funny stuff."
"You won't.  Obviously you don't know my reputation," Jess
"Yeah, you're about as funny as The Supreme Court," Peelix said.
"Alright, first question... right off the bat... what's up with all
the Tennessee Williams jokes?"
"What are you talking about?"
"During the Vel issue about the library, and the first Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter arc... hello?" Peelix said.
"What are you talking about?"
"I think you know..."
"I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"Oh that..." Jess said.   "You want to know about that? Uh..."
"Have we hit a soft spot?  Is there some reason you don't want us
to know?"
"No.. course not.  It's just that... it's a long story," Jess
"I like stories..." Onion Lad said.
"Shut up you," Peelix said.  "Tell us!"

Jesse coughed.

"Okay, many years ago, I took an acting class.   I was doing a scene
from The Glass Menagerie with a friend of mine.   The Opium Dens seen
to be precise," Jess said.
"The same one you had Onion Lad doing?" Peelix said.
"Yes.   Anyway... I got so into character that my face began
contorting.  I looked almost psychotic.   The day of presentation, I
had a real nasty head cold.    And while I was doing the speech...
right where I was supposed to go ballistic on the poor girl playing
Tom's mother.... I heard this soft pop sound and something wet
dribbling down my face.   I kept going.    After it was over, the
professor said: 'nice touch with the hidden blood pack'.   Then I
said... 'What blood pack?'    It was only then I discovered I had
gone the last two minutes with a blood nose," Jess said.
"And you've wanted revenge on Tennessee Williams ever since?"
Peelix said.
"In a word, yes."
"Man... and I thought I was vindictive," Peelix said. "So, which
RACCer would you want to kill...?"
	"Obviously... if I could only kill one of them... I'd have to
say..." Jess whispered into Peelix's ear.
	"Now THAT is a nice twist."
	"And your main influences?"
	"That depends on what I'm writing.   I really take all the things
I'm exposed then and run them through some weird part of my brain.
Then about 70% of what I come up with I don't really use," Jess
said.  "And before you even ask the Betty or Veronica question... I
think Archie made the right choice when he chose Cheryl Blossom."
	"Damn how does he know what I'm going to say?"
	"So what else are you up too?"
	"Nothing.  New."
	"Then make something up."
	"I'm a bigger dork than Brenton.    I go to school.  I come home.
I watch TV, read comics, check RACC, do my homework, watch more TV and
then go back to school.  That's my whole day."
	"You're not making that up, are you?"
	"So, no girlfriend or anything?"
	"I'm on my last semester of college and the work load is hell.   I
flirt with a few girls I know... but no... no real girlfriend at the
moment," Jess said.  "And way... here's another clip."


	Deja Dude and Master Blaster were standing at attention.  Fearless
Leader stared back at them.   Whiner Looser Destiny Woman took his side
while he looked around for Vel.  Onion Lad crept up behind Fearless

	"At last, I am in command of the LNH!" Fearless Leader said.
"There are going to be a lot of changes around here."
	"Like what?  You're finally going to fix the latrine?" said
Master Blaster.
	"Quiet you!" Fearless Leader grumbled.  "Where's Vel?"
	"He's still on leave," said Master Blaster.
	"That bonnet off.  It's not regulation," Fearless Leader said.
	"But it goes with my uniform," Master Blaster said.

	Vel came driving up in a jeep.

	"Vel!  You're late!" Fearless Leader said.
	"Yeah, I just got back from leave," Vel said.
	"All LNHers returning from leave are to report to their commanding
officer immediately," Fearless Leader said.
	"Here I am, I'm reporting," Vel responded.


"Cut that out!" Peelix shouted.
"What?" Jess said.
"I guess we're out of time.   See you at Christmas... maybe,"
Peelix said.


Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell Jnr.  Reserved by Jesse N.
Willey.   Onion Lad created by Dane Martin and Tom Russell Jnr.
Reserved by Jesse N. Willey   Master Blaster and Deja Dude created by
Martin Phipps.   Vel created by Jesse N. Willey.  Fearless Leader is
public domain.   Jesse N. Willey comes courtesy of Mrs. Smith's Dutch
Apple Pie and the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.

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