[LNH] Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #9

[Martin Phipps]

1967.  Net.ropolis 2nd Precinct Police Station.

  "Alright, Mr. Jones, do you want to tell us what
happened?"
  Mr. Jones shifted awkwardly in his chair.  "I saw
the light on the night that I passed by her window.  I
saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind.  She
was my woman.  As she deceived me I watched and went
out of my mind."
  "Go on."
  "I could see that girl was no good for me... but I
was lost like a slave that no man could free.  At
break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting. 
I crossed the street to her house and she opened the
door.  She stood there laughing.
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more."
  "Are you willing to give us a signed confession?"
  "My, my, my Delilah.  Why, why, why Delilah."
  "Mr. Jones... please.  Get a hold of yourself."
  "So before they come to break down the door, forgive
me Delilah I just couldn't take any more."
  "Save it for the judge, Mr. Jones.  Save it for the
judge."  Sargent Warner said.  "Take him away."  Mr.
Jones was handcuffed and put in a prison cell to await
trial.
  "Such a shame!" one of his lieutenants said.  "Such
a shame!"
  Sargent Warner shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't
know.  There's some good that can come out of this."
  "What?"
  "We can put his confession to music.  I think it
could be a major hit."

               Deja Dude / Master Blaster Special #9
              Double Sized Chinese New Year Edition!!
                           "The Vacation"

  "I don't want to go to the Philippines.  What do you
expect me to do there?  Eat bananas with Filipinos?"

                       -- Jean Claude Van Damme

  "Manila is filthy.  The hotel is filthy.  There are
cockroaches."  
                       -- Claire Danes

  "Lame.  Freakin' Lame."  

                       -- Master Blaster

  "Melda, I like your country.  Your country is very
nice."

                       -- Martin Phipps

1996.  Southern Key.te, Philippi.net.

  "This is my mother's house," Imelda told Deja Dude.
  "It's... nice," Deja Dude said, trying to sound
sincere.  He opened the door very carefully for fear
the entire structure could collapse on him.
  "Imelda!" Imelda's mother said with surprise.  "What
are you doing here?  I thought you were in Mani.lan!"
  "This is Deja Dude," Imelda explained.  "He's a
member of the LNH.  He brought me here."
  "An Ame.rec.an!  Imelda!  Good for you!"
  "Actually I'm Canadian."
  "But you have money, right?"
  "Umm..."
  "Sit down!  Sit down!  You must be hungry!"
  "Well, yes, a little bit."
  "Do you want pork or chicken?"
  "Hmm."  Deja Dude thought for a moment.  "Chicken
please."
  Imelda's mother immediately reached down and grabbed
a chicken off the floor, before it could run away, and
snapped it's neck."
  "Oh geez!  What would you have done if I had said I
wanted pork?  Killed one of those piglets?" he asked,
pointing to a trio of baby pigs sitting in the corner
of the room.
  "No, we had a fiesta recently so we killed their
mother.  We still have some of her left over."
  "Okay."
  "Oh!  Can I have pork please?" Imelda asked.
  "So the piglets now don't have a mother?"
  "It's okay," Imelda's mother said.  "They are old
enough that we can feed them bamboo.  And then when
they're big and strong..."
  "It's okay.  I get the picture."
  In a few minutes, Imelda was eating pork and her
mother was cooking Deja Dude's chicken.
  "Those poor little piglets.  They look hungry," she
said.
  "How can you tell?" Deja Dude asked.
  She took a little bit of pork and threw it on the
floor.  "Here you go!"  The piglets pounced on the
meat and started eating ferociously.
  "Oh God.  Oh God.  Oh God."
  "What's wrong?"
  "Do you realise what you've just done?"
  "Ha?"
  "Those pigs are eating their own mother!"
  "Oh yeah."  She laughed.
  "Excuse me," Deja Dude said.  "I need to take a walk
outside."

  Deja Dude walked around for a few minutes, admiring
the beautiful mountains, coconut trees, white sandy
beaches and blue Paci.fanfic Ocean.  Then he was
approached by a young Filipino girl.
  "Ooh!  Ekau Ame.rec.ano!"
  "Actually I'm Canadian."
  "Ekau gwapo!"
  "I'm sorry I don't understand you."
  "Eh?  Wala ko kasabut!"
  "I don't understand your language."
  "Ha?"
  "Okay, that's it.  The Philippi.net is a beautiful
country but if I'm not going to be understood by
people then I might as well go to Thai.lan!"  Deja
Dude waved his hands and disappeared.

2006.  Same place.

  "Are you sure your mom isn't angry with me?"
  "Angry?  Why?"
  "I left you without saying goodbye.  You were
pregnant and you had my baby.  And I didn't even try
her chicken."
  "But you did do the right thing and marry me. 
Eventually."
  "Okay.  Did you tell her I had been dead?"
  "Yes."
  "What did she say?"
  "She said 'That's what they all say.'"
  "They do?"
  "Yeah.  And then a few months later somebody spots
them in Mani.lan with another girl!"
  "Yeah, well, it doesn't mean they weren't actually
dead.  I mean, this is a comics based Looniverse. 
People die and come back all the time!"
  "Here we are."
  "Hey!" Deja Dude said.  "The house looks different!"
  Imelda nodded.  "The old house was torn down and, in
it's place, this new brick house was built."
  "Let me guess," Deja Dude said, "they ran into
trouble with a big bad wolf."
  "Welcome back!" Imelda's mother said as Deja Dude
walked through the door.
  "Nice to be back!" Deja Dude said.
  "We just finished cooking pork."
  "Really?  Okay.  Where do we sit down."
  "First, as our special guest, we want you to cut the
pork for us."
  "Cut the pork?" Deja Dude asked.  He followed his
mother-in-law into the dining room.  "Um, that's a
pig."
  "Yes, it's pork."
  "I mean it's a dead pig."
  "Yes, we killed it and cooked it."
  "You've had pork before!" Imelda said.  "Sus!"
  "Yeah but I'm used to having it as bacon or ham or
chops or ribs.  And it always comes wrapped in plastic
or with barbecue sauce."
  "Just take the knife and cut!" Imelda said.  "Sus!"
  "Hey!  Don't think I don't know you're taking the
Lord's name in vain!  Do that again and I'll stick an
acraphobe label on this issue."
  "Labad!"
  "What does that mean?"
  "If you don't know then you'll let me say it?"
  Deja Dude sighed and picked up the knife.  He
started cutting.  "Hey!  There's no blood."
  "Of course not," Imelda's mother explained.  "WE cut
the pig's throat and then tied it up by it's feet and
let the blood drain out of it before we started
cooking."
  Deja Dude swallowed hard.  "I really didn't need to
know that.  Anyway, I take it we have rice?"
  "I'll go get some rice for you."
  With Deja Dude having finished eating his pork and
rice, word soon got out around the neighbourhood that
the Palermo family were serving pork.  Soon the house
was filled with neighbours eager to help them digest
the carcass before the meat went bad, this being a
tropical country and all and refridgerators being a
relatively new invention for them.  One neighbour in
particular started talking to Deja Dude.
  "Ohh!  You're Ame.rec.an?"
  "Actually, I'm Canadian."
  "Mmm.  You're handsome."
  "Okay.  I'm also married."  Deja Dude's eyes
narrowed.  "Hey, I think I remember you!"
  "You do?"
  "How old are you?"
  "Fifteen."
  "Okay.  So ten years ago you would have been five. 
Ew.  This is really creepy."
  "How so?"
  "It's like watching a double feature of E.T. and
Charlie's Angels.  Except, unlike Drew Barrymore,
you're still not legal."
  "Not legal?  Hmm.  What do you mean?"
  "Excuse me."  Deja Dude quickly ran to find his
wife.  "Imelda?"
  "Yes?"
  "That girl over there."
  "What about her?"
  "I assume she's a cousin of yours."
  "Yes."
  "She's hitting on me."
  Imelda laughed.  "She's only fifteen."
  "I know," Deja Dude said "but she says I'm
handsome."
  "You are handsome."
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Okay, let's just say I am.  Do
you think it's appropriate for her to tell me I'm
handsome?"
  "What do you want me to do?"
  "Let's go into the bedroom."
  "You're horny?"
  "I just want some privacy."
  "You're horny because of her?"
  Deja Dude shook his head.  "Look, we've been
travelling and we need to lie down."
  "But I want to sing karaoke!"
  Deja Dude grimaced.  "You can sing karaoke later. 
In fact, let the neighbours sing karaoke.  With them
singing out here, we can make noise in there and they
won't hear us."
  Imelda smiled.  "Okay."
  Deja Dude and Imelda disappeared into the bedroom. 
A half and hour later, Master Blaster and a bonobo
flew over the house on top of a flying hospital bed.
  "What are they doing?" the bonobo asked.
  "They're singing karaoke," Master Blaster said.
  "Lame," the bonobo said.
  "Freakin' Lame," he said and then they flew off.
  Just then, Deja Dude awoke from his post-coital
stupor.  "Ahh!" he said.
  "What's wrong?" Imelda asked.
  "I felt a great disturbance in the force," Deja Dude
said, "as though some idiot and a monkey had just
insulted my adopted homeland!"
  "Oh," Imelda said with a laugh.  "Don't mind him. 
He's probably just upset that Eric Morales lost that
fight in Dos Vegas against a Filipino!  If the
Philippi.net is lame then what does that make
Mexi.com?"
  "A lot better off than Morro.com," Deja Dude mused,
"but that's another story.  Anyway, he's wrong.  The
Philippi.net is a wonderful country!  I mean, you've
got Katya Santos, Joyce Jimenez, Patricia Javier and
Myles Hernandez!"
  "Uh..."
  "I mean, Tai.one is nice too.  They've got Hsu Qi,
Vivian Hsu, Karen Mok and Cindy Wang..."
  "Martin..."
  "But the Philippines also has Pops Fernandez, Aubrey
Miles, Jennifer Lee, your sisters..."
  "Martin!"
  "What?"
  "I don't want you looking at other girls!"
  "Really?"
  "No."
  "But this is the Philippi.net!"
  "So?"
  "So there are hot girls everywhere!  I'd be missing
out on so much!"
  "Mmm."
  "And what about when we're watching TV?  I'm not
just talking about the actual programs: what about the
ads?  Every other ad here is 'I use this brand of
shampoo and now my hair is long, black, shiny and
clean.  Just look at me combing it!  Isn't it nice?'"
  "Martin!"
  "I'm just saying if you wanted me to not look at
other women then we should have moved to Sweden."
  "Why Sweden?"
  "Blonde hair.  Blue eyes.  No interest for me."
  "What about Scarlet Johansson?"
  "Johansson?  Is that Swedish?"
  "She's blonde.  I know you like her."
  "Okay.  But look at it this way: it's actually a
good thing that I appreciate women from all over the
world."
  "How do you figure that?"
  Deja Dude sighed.  "Melda, I think you're the most
beautiful woman in the world!"
  "Really!  You think so!"
  "I know so!  But think about it: how would I know if
I didn't actually look?"
  "Sus!"

Later, back in Net.ropolis.

  "Hey!  Master Blaster here."
  "An I'm his wife, Sister State-the-Obvious.  We're
married!  To each other I mean!"
  "Right.  Anyway, Deja Dude isn't here because he's
still on vacation."
  "But I'm here!  I'm sitting in for Deja Dude!"
  "Right.  But, wReanna (pronunced RE-AN-NA), you
don't have to worry about reviewing any movies: Deja
Dude and I already worked out a script.  Here.  I'll
read my lines and you'll read Deja Dude's."
  "Okay.  So you'll read your lines and I'll read the
rest!  Got it!"
  "Good.  So what we prepared for this Chinese New
Year's weekend is a little thing we call...

       TOP TEN GOOD MOVIES MADE BETTER WITH NUDITY

Now, I know what you're thinking: any movie would be
better with nudity but, don't forget, a lot of movies
already have nudity.  We're talking about movies in
which there was no nudity but they were still good
movies.  Got it?"
  "So we're not talking about porn," Sister
State-the-Obvious said.
  "Right, because porn already has nudity.  Okay so...

NUMBER TEN: Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

And by nudity, I mean full frontal Natalie Portman,
something we didn't get to see in Closer!  But here
the nudity wouldn't be gratuitous!  It would have been
intergral to the plot.  I mean, remember this exchange
from the movie?"

Anakin: You are beautiful!
Padme: You only think I am beautiful because you love
me!
Anakin: No!  It is because you are beautiful that I
love you!

  "I mean... come on, Lucas, show, don't tell!  Show
Anakin and Padme in the throws of passion!  Then
later, when Padme is worried about Anakin and Obi-wan
goes to comfort her, have him really, really make her
feel better and then have Anakin walk in on them and
pull out his light sabre and start hacking away at
them.  That's what I call a descent to the dark side
people, and it makes a lot more sense then the whole
'I have a preminintion my wife is going to die'
nonsense.  Anyway, too late.  Maybe Natalie has a nude
scene in V for Vendetta... 'cept she'll be bald. 
wReanna?"
  "Right.

NUMBER NINE: Joy Luck Club"

  "That would be that Chinese American chick flick."
  "Deja Dude likes Chinese girls."
  "Thank you, wReanna for that juicy bit of gossip. 
Anyway, I don't know if I agree with Deja Dude with
that one.  I mean, Ming Na Wen had a topless scene in
the movie One Night Stand and she was kinda flat
chested.  She was sexy in Streetfighter though so...
maybe.  Anyway, my next choice is...

NUMBER EIGHT: D.E.B.S.

  Now, I know what you're thinking: 'D.E.B.S. was a
good movie?  Geez!  What about Catwoman or Elektra?' 
Yes, but unlike those movies in which the characters
were practically naked anyway, D.E.B.S. was marketted
as a movie in which the attresses had 'killer bodies'
but then all you saw was their legs.  What's up with
that?  And if you knew there was going to be some
girl-on-girl action in the movie and you find out it's
just kissing then you're going to think 'Huh?' 
wReanna?"
  "Okay.

NUMBER SEVEN: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

  "Wow.  Deja Dude is really fixated.  Anyway, he's
right and the same point could be made with regards to
Memoirs of a Geisha."
  "I would have thought that movie would have had
nudity," wReanna said.
  "Exactly.  Anyway, my next choice would be

NUMBER SIX: Batman

I mean, it's Katie Holmes.  She comes Tom Cruise
recommended.  Guys want to see that.  wReanna?"
  "My turn?"
  "Yes."
  "Alright.

NUMBER FIVE: Fantastic Four"

  "Ohh!  Absolutely!  I mean, Jessica Alba!  Yum!  And
how appropriate would it have been to have her clothes
just turn invisible?"
  "I think they were going for a family audience,"
Sister State-the-Obvious said.
  "Just stick to the script dear.  Anyway, my number
four choice would be...

NUMBER FOUR: Spiderman II

As I said before, the original Spiderman movie had
Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane wet in the rain and there
was nothing like that in the sequel.  Instead, we had
Mary Jane wishing that Peter Parker would tell her he
loved her and Peter Parker wanting to give up being
Spiderman to be with Mary Jane!  Come on, people! 
This is chick flick stuff!  Peter Parker is Spiderman!
 He's got amazing stamina and agility!  He can be with
Mary Jane for fifteen minutes a day and still have
enough energy to fight supervillains!"
  "A relationship has to be based on more than just
that," wReanna said.
  "The script?"
  "Fine.  Oh.  It's a three-way tie.

NUMBERS ONE TO THREE: Tomorrow Never Dies, The World
is Not Enough and Die Another Day."

  "Right.  The last three bond movies.  Bond movies
always have the same thing: James Bond, a diabolical
villain out to destroy the world and a sexy bond girl
who you never get to see naked!  I say, let's deviate
a little from formula and get some milage out of those
bond girls!"
  "Plus a lot of women wouldn't mind seeing Pierce
Brosnan naked," wReanna pointed out.
  "Okay," Master Blaster conceded.  "Isn't exactly
what Deja Dude and I had in mind though."
  "It's too bad Deja Dude couldn't be here," wReanna
said.
  "Yeah, well he's off in the Philippi.net.  That
country's so freakin' lame."
  "Deja Dude seems to like it there."
  "Yeah and I know why too!  But, hey, what about
Mexi.com?  Mexi.com is the home of Charro, Salma
Hayek..."
  "Rob!"
  "What?"
  "I don't like you looking at other women."
  Master Blaster shook his head.  "You women are all
the same."

                          THE END

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