[RACCies/APE] Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies..... AGAIN! # 2, an Apes Month Tie-In
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Sat Jan 28 14:23:28 PST 2006
JUST IMAGINE SAXON BRENTON
PRESENTS THE RACCIES... AGAIN! # 2
An Apes Month Tie-In
by TOM RUSSELL
The Weevil Mastermind sat before his bank on
monitors, watching... well, he didn't actually sit.
Weevils don't quite sit, they just kind of lay there.
At any rate, he lay on his belly, blinking and
watching his bank of monitors attentively.
Wait. Do weevils blink? Do they even have
eyelids? Well, that's not important. Either he did
blink or he didn't, in which case he expressed his
intent interest through some other, more
weevil-friendly method. If, in fact, said method
The point was, the Weevil Mastermind at that moment
bore witness in some weevil-like manner to the events
of our last issue, through a tiny camera that the
Weevil Mastermind had personally installed on the
person of Pointless Awards Man IV: The Voyage Home.
Unfortunately, being a Weevil, he had only managed
to install the camera under Pointless Awards Man IV:
The Voyage Home's toe-nail. And the rapscallion in
question had his shoe on, which effectively prevented
the Weevil Mastermind from seeing what was on the
monitor-- if eyes weevil have to see it anyway. And
the shoe severly muffled the audio transmission.
But one got the gist of it. PAM 4 was calling
Retcon Lad to tell him that it was time.
"What surrendipitous luck," said the Weevil
Mastermind-- and yes, I'm fairly certain that weevils
cannot speak, but this is a case warranting suspension
of disbelief. "This fits in perfectly with my plans.
And now, to see that they come to fruition, I summon,
the Haiku Gorilla!"
says the old ape, urgently,
"Please pass the salt." ZAP!
The gorilla was transported instantaneously to the
Weevil Mastermind's hide-out, the House of Bertrand
Weevil. Yes, friends, Bertrand Weevil, long thought
merely a social gadabout, who in actuality is... the
Unfortunately, Haiku Gorilla did not survive the
transportation. "Oh, crap," said the Weevil
Mastermind. "What am I going to do with a dead
You could use it as a hat-rack.
"No, what am *I* going to do with a dead gorilla?
I'm a weevil for god's sake!"
Well, you should have thought of that before.
The Weevil Mastermind would be rubbing his chin in
malicious thought, if he possessed a chin. Or a hand,
for that matter. Though a hand was not specified in
the first sentence. So it could be any appendage,
really, or even some kind of scratching post, or the
desk on which he sat... er, lay.
Just then, a Shadowy Figure entered. The room was
well-lit, but the Figure's features could not be made
out. Perhaps this character is someone we know!
Perhaps this mysterious shrouding of his identity is
only to heighten suspense and create "buzz". Fanboys
the world over will debate and offer theories, using
time, energy, and thought that would be better suited
to finding employment. And then, when his identity is
revealed in a special anniversary issue, the world (or
the small portion of it made up of comic-book readers)
will heave a sigh of extreme disappointment. What a
lame twist revelation!
"Actually, no," said the Figure. "It's a medical
condition, and I'd thank you kindly not to mention it.
As for you, Weevil Mastermind!"
"Yes, yes, here I am."
"I'm on the desk."
"Right." The Shadowy Figure bent forward.
"To your left. Your other left."
"No, left. What do you want, anyway?"
"I am here to end this charade."
"I mean, cascade. It is my sacred destiny to
thwart JUST IMAGINE SAXON BRENTON PRESENTS THE
"But why? It's such an interesting, original idea
for a cascade. I mean, a cascade about the RACCies!
This kind of thing only happens once in a life-time!
It's such an incredible idea, it has such novelty!"
The Shadowy Figure sighed and squooshed the Weevil
Mastermind with his finger.
"That's one plot thread taken care of," said the
Shadowy Figure. "But the introduction of Haiku
Gorilla poses a problem. No doubt, the Legion will
investigate his disappearance... and, should they find
his body, his death. Such a mystery would drag the
cascade on. And with every new episode, there's a
chance for another subplot. Another thread to sever.
"I'm going to have to cut this off at the pass,"
said the Shadowy Figure. "I must dispose of the body
in such a way that not even the famed Deductive Logic
Man can deduce its whereabouts. For should the
cascade story JUST IMAGINE SAXON BRENTON PRESENTS THE
RACCIES... AGAIN reach its twelfth installment, the
Looniverse Itself shall be faced with grave peril!"
TO BE CONTINUED BY... SOMEONE ELSE!
BE HERE NEXT TIME FOR...
"Who Killed Haiku Gorilla?"
"Issue Number Three"
The Ultimate Ninja is wReam's. PAM IV, I think, is
Willey's. Everyone else was my creation, given to
(C) 2006 Tom Russell
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