ACRA/LNH: A Journey 3 the Mind of the Seemingly Unstable

Tarq mitchell_crouch at
Mon Dec 4 23:30:35 PST 2006




The ghost of Contempo Weapons Lad exploded out of his dead body,
knocking countless bored heroes off of the stack. "Find me that giant
evil carrot, fast!"

The dubious heroes -- crap, I wrote that as 'herpes', but don't worry,
I fixed it -- looked dubiously at one another, before dubiously looking
him up and down.

One of the slower of the assembled team, Pow Bang Wham, drawled, "Did
something happen? One minute I'm on the top of the pile, and next thing
I know, you jump out of Contempo Weapons Lad's nose."

Contempo Weapons Lad's spirit was about to snap back, when he paused to
observe his beloved team -- it felt as though he hadn't seen them in a
century. "Listen," he began, "there's a massive carrot running around,
and if you're not careful, he'll punch you into next week."

"Hang on, wait, wait, hang on, hang on, just a second, Contempo Weapons
Lad, wait wait wait," mewled Obsessive-Compulsive Boy, "when you, you
know, like, sort of, like, like, exploded out of your nose, you hurt
my, y'know, leg!"

"I'd say sorry, but there's no point, since you'd never remember." He
looked around anxiously before inquiring, "Where's my bag?"

Pow Bang Wham frowned, and solemnly intoned, "I think it smelt funny,
so I think I threw it out."

Contempo Weapons Ghost fumed, and tried hard not to let it out on the
team he had learnt to appreciate. It's wasn't their fault, he supposed,
but merely his own bad luck. Deciding he'd need something heavy to
wield in the upcoming battle, he grabbed a nearby recipe book.

Something tingled in the back of his ghostly mind, and Contempo Weapons
Ghost found himself shouting, "Oh gosh golly, it's coming, now!!"

And thus did Contempo Weapons Lad's body rise from the dead, possessed
by Ka'rot, and covered in homotrophically decorated lace. "I am Ka'rot,
your _new_ Lord and Master!"

Contempo Weapons Ghost found himself thinking back to his
never-revealed plan from _A Journey 2_, but realised that he still
didn't have suitable bait.

Ka'rot began shooting gosh darn lasers at the bewildered heroes, and a
gloomy darkness settled like an unnatural dusk. Oh noes, thought
CWGhost, we're dropping like flies -- and Ka'rot is a metaphorical

The sheer awkwardness of that phrase made it lose all meaning.

Meanwhile, the Amazingly Useless Girl With A Tail was gosh darn laser'd
in the tail. Bakery Boy found himself screaming as he was shot in the
dough. Contempo Weapons Ghost, Pow Bang Wham, and Obsessive-Compulsive
Boy dived behind a protective desk.

I must be missing something, cursed the silent CWGhost, I must have
learnt _something_ from my past! Before he could figure out what,
however, the desk was blasted away, and he found himself facing his
copy. Or his original body, anyway, seeing as though he was the ghost.

The deranged Ka'rot held up a gigantic knife, and hissed, "Let's play
doctor -- you can have brain cancer, and I'll be the surgeon!"

"No way, Ka'rot, you've already spilt too much blood!"

But then the Lord of All Wejtabyls threw the pointy possession, threw
it fast, so fast Contempo Weapons Ghost couldn't even see it -- all he
saw was a flash of silver, like the moon. But it hit him like a bomb.

"Oh, cripes, yowch, oh, oh, golly gosh, peace, peace! Maybe I was,
y'know, wrong. Maybe we could work something out, you know, tip the
cap? Make a statement?"

Ka'rot grinned maliciously as he watched his nemesis squirm. Using the
lack of comprehendability to his advantage, he began to whack the hero
with a large branch.

"Ow, no - ow, see, I don't think you - hey, yow ow ow ow, quite,
uh, oh, ouch, get the, uh, the point. We could - ow - have a little
peace talk, some, oh, blimey, ow, have some negotiations, and oh, oh,
no, not there, not - OW, OH MY F-, uh, heh, yeah, exchange, y'know,
gifts, I could, like, give you a wreath..."

But then Pow Bang Wham jumped into action against the alien invader,
crying out, "Sur-prize!"

Ka'rot whipped around, but Pow Bang Wham was too fast. Letting out a
vicious onomatopoeic war cry, he slammed his not inconsiderable fist
into that bastard clown.

"Okay, buddy," he spat at the possessed body, "I think it's time you
had a little think..."

~ * ~

Ka'rot groggily opened Contempo Weapons Lad's eyes, and realised that
he was tied to a chair by vest. However, the fact that he was still in
charge of CWLad's body and not, well, dead, was a blessing. He strained
against his poor-quality bonds, but found that the vest was far too
thick. Suddenly, someone behind him cut his neck open with a small
slice of paper.

"That," scowled Contempo Weapons Ghost, "is what you get for using my
body as a puppet. For devouring me in a manner not dissimilar to how I
devour pumpkins. And, if I can't get it back, I'll skin you, rip off my
own flesh like a massive banana peel. From top. To bottle." Realising
that he'd gone a tad delusional from his absolutely massive paragraph
of monologue, he paused to take a breath. To refresh himself, to be
calm, and to... collect. "Tell me how to send you back to the abyss."

When Ka'rot refused to answer, CWGhost grabbed him by the neck and
began to squeeze. "Come now, Ka'rot... everyone has their limit."

Suddenly, Contempo Weapons Ghost began to change colour, like a
chameleon. Light spurted out of him, splitting as though it had passed
through a diamond. Then his entire body began to convulse, as if
vibrating in time to some celestial chorus. And Ka'rot did howl to look
upon this glory.

Well, thought Contempo Weapons Ghost as his mind was transferred back
to his rightful body, this doesn't happen often.

Contempo Weapons Lad rose once more in Contempo Weapons Lad's body, the
victorious gunfighter. He slapped Pow Bang Wham chummily on the back,
but it felt like he'd hit a brick. "Ow," he stated, before adding, "You
keep eating those oats."

Glancing anxiously at the word list, Obsessive-Compulsive Boy bubbled,
"Ooh, ooh, but, but, what now, huh, Contempo Weapons Lad, c'mon, c'mon,
you can't just quit!"

"But the story's over, dead as a stone." He paused to turn up the AC,
as, this time of year, it was a little cold. "Dead dead dead."

Obsessive-Compulsive Boy tried to comprehend this, but the effort of
thinking made his face turn pink.

"Well," Contempo Weapons Lad continued, ignoring his struggling friend,
"life is sweet." He snapped his glove. "Ka'rot is back in my mind's
unstable chasm. F*cking vegetable."


All I care about is that it's finished. And ne'er again shall I reread
this horrible, horrible trilogy of horrors.

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