usVerse: The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10: 'Bigger than Your Average Teddy Bear Picnic'

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer at
Mon Dec 4 18:00:35 PST 2006

The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10

"Now, children, here's a funny story about a small business owner who 
says... Arrrhhhahahgggg!!!!!  God!!!  I've been shot!!!  I'm going to 
die!!!!  No!!! Don't!!!  I swear -- she told me she was 18!!!!  Oh God! 
  This is the end!!!  God, being shot hurts!!!!  It really hurts!!!  No 
wait!!!   You don't have to shoot me anymore times!!!  I'm dead!! 
Honest!!  Ouch!!  You bastard!!  Okay, I've been shot at least 92 
times!!  Don't you think that's enough?!!  Ahhhggggghghh!!!  Okay.  95 
times!  Boy being murdered is sure murder!  The Blood!!  The Horror!! 
It's all getting dark.  Dark and wet.  Dark and wet and sticky.  Going. 
  Going.  Hmm.  Don't seem to have witty last..." And finally the tax 
accountant died.  And blood soaked the Teddy Bear picnic.

The children and families looked in horror at what had killed the poor 
tax accountant.  It was a turkey.  A cyborg turkey.  A cyborg turkey 
with a pimp cane.  And a gun.  And before they could scream in horror, 
they joined the tax accountant in the swimming pool of blood!

And Ronald "Hank" Rancherson?  Hank just watched as he clutched his 
teddy bear Oswald closely to his body.  And then some force grabbed him. 
  And took him to another world.  A better world.

              'Bigger than Your Average Teddy Bear Picnic'

Hank woke up.  Where was he?  It was a picnic!  The biggest picnic he 
had ever seen!  And towering above him were two teddy bears the size of 
mountains!  One was black.  Black as Black Hole with a Black Beard 
painted Black!  And the other one was white.  White as an Anti-Black 
Hole that had just brushed its teeth with Extra-Sparkling White 
Toothpaste.  And inbetween them was a picnic basket.  The biggest picnic 
basket that Hank had ever seen.  And the two massive teddy bears picked 
out cucumber sandwiches from the basket and they drank some reddish 
liquid that looked like strawberry wine.  One of teddy bears was reading 
a piece of paper.  After a bit, the two bears noticed Hank watching them.

"So it is time," said the black teddy bear.  "Time for the scene in The 
Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 10 for us to talk to the child named Hank 
and reveal to him the Mysteries of the Universe."

The white teddy bear grunted in agreement as he devoured another 
cucumber sandwich.

"Where am I?" asked Hank with some concern.

"This is the Ultimate Teddy Bear Picnic.  It was the first Teddy Bear 
Picnic and it shall be the last.  And as it falls into the dust, so will 
go time and space."

"Umm -- okay.  Who are you?"

"I am Lord Teddy Bear Byron," said the Black Teddy Bear.

"And I am Lord Teddy Bear Shelley," said the White Teddy Bear.

"Hi.  I'm Hank.  How did I get here?"

"That is a good question.  How does anyone get here?  No one knows.  One 
day you wake up and there is a picnic basket filled with cucumber 
sandwiches and there is no going back.  For this is all there is.  My 
friend Lord Teddy Bear Shelley and I have been here for an eternity and 
have come no closer to the answer.  Who are we?  Are we God?  Are we 
Satan?  Are we Fate and Destiny?  Are we just two incredibly large Teddy 
Bears with very pretentious names?  Perhaps we are Death and these 
cucumber sandwiches are the life forces of humanity.  Then again perhaps 
it is just a coincidence that every time we eat a sandwich with a name 
of a specific person that person dies.  Perhaps."

Hank felt a chill in his bones and clutched his teddy bear Oswald even 
tighter.  "I don't..?"

"Oh.  Sorry.  Perhaps this will help explain.  You know your friend 
Billy?  He was with you at the Teddy Bear Picnic?"

Hank nodded.

"This sandwich has Billy's name on it."  The black teddy bear popped the 
sandwich into its mouth.  "Now Billy is no more."  The black teddy bear 
washed the sandwich down with some strawberry wine.

"No!!  You killed Billy!!"  Tears started to stream down Hank's eyes.

"And this sandwich has your friend Suzy's name on it," said the white 
teddy bear smacking down another cucumber sandwich.  "Mmm.  Your friend 
Suzy was Smack-uh-licious..."

"No!! You're killing all of my friends!!  Stop it!! STOP IT!!!! You 

"Actually, it is a cyborg turkey with a pimp cane that is killing your 
friends undoubtedly Jive the Pimp Turkey who was believed to be killed 
in The Unfinished Sentence-Verse # 8, but now appears to be back in 
action.  Although, I suppose it's possible that if we hadn't eaten those 
cucumber sandwiches your friends would still be alive.  I guess we'll 
never truly know who is to blame," Lord Teddy Bear Byron said reflecting 
on this philosophical question.

"Wh-wh-why are you doing this?" cried Hank.

"Because the Cucumber Sandwiches are very tasty.  Would you like one 
Hank?"  Lord Teddy Bear Shelley reached into the basket and grabbed 
another sandwich.

"No!  I don't want to kill people!!"

"Suit yourself," shrugged Lord Teddy Bear Shelley popping another 
sandwich in his mouth.

"Stop!!  You've got to stop this!!  Eating those sandwiches!!  Please!!" 
begged Hank.

"But if we stopped eating these sandwiches, we would starve to death. 
You wouldn't want us to starve to death, would you, Hank?"

"Yes!!  You're killers!!  You're evil!!!"

"Ah, Hank," Lord Teddy Bear Shelley shook his head.  "When you're older 
you'll understand.  There needs to be Teddy Bears to eat cucumber 
sandwiches.  For if there were no Teddy Bears the cucumber sandwiches 
would overrun the entire Universe and there would be nothing but 
cucumber sandwiches."

"I don't care!!  I want to go home!!  I hate this place!!  I hate you!!" 
  Hank started balling his eyes out.

"Fine.  But one day you will understand, Hank.  One day.  Goodbye, Hank."

Many years later...

The protagonist's mind returned back to the present.  "I remember.  I 
remember everything.  My name.  My past.  My purpose.  I understand. 
Finally... I... damn I'm still a severed head."  Hank could feel the Old 
Lady in the red bikin stroking his...

Arthur "Bear-tastic" Spitzer

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